Hello all,<BR>I don't post much here any more due to lots of things....new job and simply a need to "move on" after so many months here. But I do visit from time to time and am always sad to see so many new faces join the group. I continue to pray regularly for the marriages that have been attacked by infidelity and for their healing. I wanted to take some time to offer some suggestions from the standpoint of a marriage that has made it to the other side.....<P>Read books....not just books on infidelity, but encouraging books about building a good marriage and books that help you heal as an individual. Of course, you all know about Dr. Harley's books, but I would strongly suggest checking out "Torn Asunder" by Dave Carder and "After the Affair" by Janis Spring. Torn Asunder is my favorite for the couple who is working to rebuild after an affair....it has great information for both partners to help each other understand the process of healing. It also has suggestions for people whose spouse hasn't ended the affair too...but the focus is on rebuilding. <P>I love "The Five Love Languages" by Gary Chapman and "Making Love Last Forever" by Gary Smalley for just working on your marriage relationship. Both can help you understand yourself better, as well as your spouse. And both give great ideas for working on communication skills within marriage.<P>"A Celebration of Sex" by Doug Rosenau is a wonderful book about the beauty of the sexual relationship in marriage. It is frank and honest, but is also written with a biblical foundation.....not prudish or victorian at all. It is excellent for couples who are struggling with this issue and want to build a satisfying and healthy sexual relationship in their marriage.<P>My favorite devotional book is "Experiencing God Day by Day" by Henry Blackaby. It was as if it was written specifically for me....God used it to touch, comfort and heal me, as well as to convict me of some things I needed to change. The One Year Bible (Living Bible edition) was also a gift from Him....and continues to be.<P>Some things to remember.....inner turmoil, anxiety attacks, mental confusion, extreme mood swings...all are normal reactions to the revelation of an affair. And they can last for quite some time too.....I finally began to feel normal again about 3 months into the healing process and my husband was at home and working diligently to restore what he had almost destroyed! It is not abnormal to struggle emotionally for quite some time during this crisis. Don't expect too much of yourself....yes, you need to look forward and begin to heal, but this is a blow that takes time to process through and you must do it thoroughly for it to be a real healing.<P>Take care of yourself.....even though food isn't too appealing in the beginning, it is important to eat small meals to avoid illness. Sleep when you can and do only the necessary tasks...if all you can do is get to work and feed the kids, then let the house go for a little while. Normalcy will begin to return in bits and pieces.<P>Remember that anything worth doing takes time and effort. You can't heal overnight...the affair didn't happen overnight so you won't rebuild your marriage that way either. It is important to dig into the details of what went wrong in the relationship.....and to get the necessary details about the affair too. Be careful what you ask for....some things you may be better off not knowing....tread carefully there. My personal belief is that dissecting the affair is a good way to ensure its death and burial....nothing left to come back and "bite" you later. Others may not agree and that is fine....we all have to find our best ways to heal.<P>The bottom line is that this is a roller coaster ride like no other....but if you will hang on until the ride finishes you will love the ending! We are 17 months since the revelation and end of my husband's brief affair. No, he never left and ended the affair immediately....I have not experienced what many of you have. In fact, we have had an almost ideal recovery. BUT the thing I want to share and offer you is not how quickly we recovered but simply that we did.....HOPE is what I want to offer you. No matter how long it takes or how many tears you cry, there is hope for healing. And if your spouse won't return to the marriage, there is still hope for personal healing. You can find happiness and fulfillment again....it just takes time.<P>------------------<BR>"They that wait upon the Lord shall renew their strength. They shall mount up with wings as eagles, they shall run and not be weary, they shall walk and not faint." Isaiah 40:31<P><BR>

HGB,<P>Thank you for posting this, it is very inspirational. Unfortunately, I am one of those whose spouse has chosen to move on, so now I must do the same. I will be working on the personal growth and taking it one day at a time.<P>Again thanks, it's nice to read posts like this to give me hope that one day all the dreams we all have for our marriages (and lives) can really happen. <P>T2W<p>[This message has been edited by Trying2Wait (edited August 12, 1999).]

Thanks you HGB<P>I am only 3 1/2 into this - at least since I found out about his affair. I have hope because he has the affair on hold while he thinks, he hasn't moved out only to the guest room, and he does tell me that he really loves me. We are also in counseling. <P>I can tell that you that I will miss you posts based on what you just posted. Congratualtions to you and your family. I hope that we can all grow from these devastating experiences. I am trying to view this as change and even if it ends in divorce - I will move on and find even more happiness than I ever imagined!<P>Thanks you!

HG,<BR>Good to "see" you. I'm 1 year into recovery and doing pretty good too <BR>For you newbies, HG is a great gift! Listen!! <BR>

It's good to "see" my old friends here.....funny how we have become connected even though we've never met and probably never will. Crisis bonds us....I'm glad to know ya'll are doing well.<P>I realized the other day that even though I don't want my husband's affair to define our marriage for the rest of our lives, we have to admit that it was a defining event in our marriage. By this I mean that I don't want to live my life as a "wounded wife", never truly leaving the pain behind and always seeing the affair as part of us. What I do want to do is to acknowledge that we faced a crisis that could have destroyed our marriage and that with God's help and guidance...through His power and grace....we made the right decisions and overcame the crisis. The fact that it happened is part of our history....we can't ignore that. What we can do and what we are called to do, I believe, is to use that history to reach out to other people who are at that defining moment and wondering what the future may hold. Of course, I can't say with total certainty that other marriages will always reach healing.....it takes total commitment by both partners for that to happen. But I can say that personal healing is absolutely possible.....even if the marriage ends you can find peace and healing in your own life. For the marriages that are in the process of healing, I can say that the pain gets better and better with each passing day and that the negative thoughts and images fade and become much more manageable. The positives far outweight the negatives with each new "deposit" into the memory banks.<P>My challenge to those who have "made it" to the other side is to be open to the times that may come to offer comfort to someone who is suffering. Many different reasons keep us from sharing and we must stay aware of the right times to share and the right times to be silent, but it is such a gift to share the common bond and to know that your own journey brings hope to someone else who has just begun.<P>I'm not total gone from this place.....I'll keep checking in from time to time until God says it is time to move on for good. Take care.....you are all in my prayers.<P>------------------<BR>"They that wait upon the Lord shall renew their strength. They shall mount up with wings as eagles, they shall run and not be weary, they shall walk and not faint." Isaiah 40:31<P><BR>

HGB Good to hear from you. Have you read any of Connie Neal's books. I had not heard of her until recently. Her husband too had an affair and they were in Christian Youth Ministry at the time and lost everything at the time. They choose to recover and her books are inspirational. With a group from my church we are using her book "Dancing in the Arms of God" as a bible study this summer. It uses the Cinderella fairy tale as a back drop of finding God as our fulfillment, guide and everything instead of the endless search for the perfect man.<BR>It seems at this point my husband is choosing to move out sometime in Sept. He feels he takes me for granted and just can't seem to get it together while he lives with us. It has been 4+ years since the affair started and although he has not seen her in almost a year they maintain weekly phone contact. I told him that if he couldn't end it with her and commit to trying to work on us then it was time for him to move out. I have been faithful to God, and although I still don't believe in divorce my husband has free will and must make some choices and get off the fence. We continue at present in marital therapy. <BR>On a more pleasant note I start a Master's in Social Work in two weeks and plan to be a counselor in the near future. I'm glad to hear things are well with you. I too don't come to the forum too often. With my husband continuing to fence sit it is sometimes too frustrating reading about all the other betrayers who are doing the same. But I am doing well and God will use this for good in my life. Thanks HGB for all the support and inspriation and for recommending the "Esperiencing God Devotional". I like you find this awesome.