Following my Plan B letter, WH wrote a reply to me, which I took the time to read. Having had 4 days to consider the matter, I think that WH hasn't fully grasped that it is HIS decision to continue a relationship with OW which is cutting off the communciation. He says it is ironic that I have cut off communication with him at this point!! I thought that I made it clear that the reason I didn't want to speak or see him was his ongoing involvement with OW.

My dilemma is this: do I reply to this letter in order to clarify the matter about "cutting off communciation", or should I just let him re-read my original Plan B letter until his fog ridden brain comprehends it?

30% of me wants to write back to clarify the matter and re-iterate that it is his choice to continue with OW which is cutting off the communication. 30% of me wants to write to him and tell him to re-read the original letter more carefully. 40% of me wants to ignore him!!

It was very clear in my Plan B letter that the choice to communicate was his to make - either continue with OW and have no relationship with me, or separate from OW so that we can discuss our relationship.

As for how other things are moving along;
* I have found a flatmate (roommate)
* I am learning to speak Cantonese
* Lost my last hockey game, but played OK
* I have decided on a timeline for my plan B. No comms after 3 months => legal separation. (Is this too soon?) I am only 28 afterall, with no kids.
* I am planning my OE for the end of this year. Just in case!!

I have 2 thoughts.

1. Ignore him.

But, if you feel you must reply ....

2. Reply, written in Cantonese! <img border="0" title="" alt="[Wink]" src="images/icons/wink.gif" />

Pep

PS .... ignore him, and do a mental reply in Cantonese as an exercise.

He doesn't WANT TO understand. More explaining on your part won't increase his desire to understand your limits.

<small>[ May 25, 2003, 09:37 AM: Message edited by: Pepperband ]</small>

I suggest you rewrite your Plan B letter and send it to him. Post it here before you send it to him.

He's baiting you. He wants to continue contact with you, and this is his test of you. Don't reply. You say that your letter was clear, and I'm sure it was. Thing is, as Pepper said, WH does not WANT to understand. Little children will push their parents to determine where the limits are. Your WH is doing the same with you now. Any response on your part negates the stated limits from your Plan B letter. He knows this.

Consider what message ANY response on your part sends your WH. Likewise, consider the impact of NO RESPONSE.

I don't know your story, but if you are ready for Plan B, then the solution to your dilemna clear.

Good luck in whatever you decide.

I like Chris's idea of writing another Plan B letter and letting the experts here give you feedback before sending it.

I also agree with Pepper that he "doesn't understand" your first Plan B letter because he doesn't WANT to understand it.

I agree with msjpw that he is baiting you for contact.

I can definitely understand wanting to clarify it again for WH "just in case" the first Plan B letter wasn't as clear as originally thought.

What do our resident experts think about this idea?

1) Write another Plan B letter and have it looked over and edited by the experts (you will have COMPLETE confidence that it was as clear and concise as is necessary for a foggy WH to be able to understand it).

2) When you are baited for contact and wish to respond, respond only by sending another copy of the Plan B letter (the Broken Record Response).

Are there any serious flaws in this idea?

Also, if this is a viable option, should the Plan B letter be re-sent with the original date still on it, the current date edited in, or the current date handwritten over the crossed-out original date?

Hi,

Chris is going somewhere with this thought. Rewrite the letter then post it here for review.

IMHO, I think you should make him 'wonder'. My theory is the more he is wondering what you are thinking or up to, the less time he has for the A or any other selfish act. Maybe even cause an LB between him and OW from afar.

IMHO,
L.

Also, if this is a viable option, should the Plan B letter be re-sent with the original date still on it, the current date edited in, or the current date handwritten over the crossed-out original date?
The date on the letter is irrelevant. He gets it when he gets it.

I believe it needs to be rewritten with a much more loving tone. The first one seemed like “you had an affair & I don’t want to talk to you.”

Thanks for your opinions.

I will draft another Plan B letter and post it here for the experts to comment on. The first one was a little hasty ....

However, I still don't think that the message was open to interpretation.

Currently at work (7:30am), so will get busy with writing letter tonight when I get home.

Plan B Letter, 2nd Edition

Dear ........,

As I said in my original letter, I don't want there to be any more misunderstandings between us. Although I love you more than I ever imagined I would love another person, with all my heart and soul and mind, I cannot cope with the pain of hearing you say that you love me, and knowing that you are still involved with Christina. I am not cutting off communication with you. On the contrary, I would value the chance to talk over the issues that are keeping us apart, but I cannot do that until you have decided to finish your relationship with Christina. I don't believe that there can be any hope of a shared future for us while this situation continues.

Believe me, I want to be able to work through this with you, and to have you back beside me as my husband, but until you feel that you want to commit to me, I will not ask that you return. I don't want you to return to me with only part of your heart.

Please don't see this as me cutting off communication with you. Banning you from my life is not what this is about. This is the only way I know of letting you go, and being able to keep myself sane. If being without me will make you happy, then you must make that choice, and I must accept that is what you want. I would hate for you to be with me but be miserable. It is hard for me to accept that you were so unhappy while you were living with me; I would rather not be involved in your life than be an unhappy part of it.

You created so many happy memories for me over the 5 years that we were married, and the years that we shared before that. Playing bear cubs on Saturday mornings was one of my favourite times, I learned about hugs and snuggles and these things made all the difference in my life. I remember very clearly how alive and vibrant and loved I felt when you and I were mucking around having fun together.

I want to be able to remember the good times.

With all of my love,

Claire.

ClaireL

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial"> You created so many happy memories for me over the 5 years that we were married, and the years that we shared before that. Playing bear cubs on Saturday mornings was one of my favourite times, I learned about hugs and snuggles and these things made all the difference in my life. I remember very clearly how alive and vibrant and loved I felt when you and I were mucking around having fun together.

I want to be able to remember the good times.

With all of my love,

Claire.
</font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">I'd probably just post this part and I'd add a "new" pic of myself.(a real "good" one) This would probably give your H enough to "think" about. And I'm sure he'd be looking at your pic during his "lonely" moments and will also be thinking about "the good times".

hugs
bb

I am not cutting off communication with you.

Please don't see this as me cutting off communication with you.
Cutting of contact is exactly what you want to do! You WANT to make sure he know you will NOT have contact until he ends the affair.

The Plan B letter is ending all contact (which you state in your letter is not what you are doing.) But it is more than that.

It needs to be a letter which you describe what you have done in the relationship and what you are now doing for it and what you want it to be.

I suggest you use the Plan B letter in Surviving An Affair and change it to make it yours.

<small>[ May 26, 2003, 10:04 PM: Message edited by: Chris -CA123 ]</small>

Do check out...
Sample PLAN B Letters.

Jim/NSR