Hello,

I am here to seek some guidance.

Don't want to redirect you to may whole story as the threads are lengthy and few of us have the time to read them all. Instead, here is a recap:

Me - BS (H) - 39
WW - 36
D - 11
Together 15 years

- November 6 - "I love you, but don't love you anymore"
- November 15 - " I want you out of the house, so I can think things over. NO, there is NOBODY in my life"
- Plan A (not 100% "by the book") since Nov.6 without knowing about the existence of MB.com
- WW moves out into an apartment Feb.01, 2003
- D-day March 09, 2003
- Plan A by the book until April 14, 2003
- Plan B letter April 14, 2003
- HUGE LB April 21, 2003 from my part. I basically lost it when in a matter of 15 minutes met OM for the first time and found out that WW made D cry by telling her that she "has someone else in her life". I forced her out of the house.
I called after but only the OM answered. She wouldn't talk to me. I attempted the next day to apologize but got the "You CANNOT be trusted, and I can't forgive you." I understand that there is no excuse for my behavior that night on April 21 and I hate myself for loosing it. Nothing else bothers me right now but that incident.

Since April 22 we haven't spoken a word, we haven't met even during the weekly drop off. I really got my act together and work on myself like I should have done long ago. We have the time of our lives with my D when she is with me. Obviously no LB. I can see the light. But...

Here is my question:

I want to call her and ask for forgiveness for what I did. I can't live with myself because of that night. I have these urges to dial her number and talk to her. Just tell her that I wasn't myself that night, that I regret it. Should I? Can you do something like that in Plan B, is the whole Plan B jeopardized when something like that happens?

Please tell me what to do. Should I talk to her or not?

<small>[ May 26, 2003, 04:14 PM: Message edited by: BigStar ]</small>

I am unclear here. You want to call and aplogize and ask for forgiveness after you find out she is having an affair and with the OM? She says you can't be trusted while she is at the OM's home?
What is wrong with this picture. She is playing around and lying to you with OM and you want to apologize and ask forgiveness for being upset?
She tells your daughter there is another man in her life and you want to apologize? What is wrong this picture?

Big Star---were you upset and angry or did you physcially abuse anyone that night? You have every right to be upset and she should be calling you to apologize for not being trusted or asking you for forgiveness. Hiding your anger is not a Plan A objective but expressing your anger in a right way is part of Plan A. Not sure what you should do about Plan B cause I never did understand Plan B for my situation. I guess cause Plan A did nothing to change my WS's direction so I figured that Plan B would have no effect either.

What is it that you did exactly that has you the main culprit here? What do you want to apologize for? Maybe you need to explain more?

TW

I will tell you exactly as it happened. I won't go into lengthy explanations of how I got so angry. It was the day when the pressure of many months just erupted.

Any way, here goes:

I got home and asked my wife to leave. She did everythign to show me that she is not in a hurry. I should have stayed put until she leaves, but instead, when she opened the door to step out, I pushed it closed before she had the chance to actually get out. She may have struggled with the screen door, but I assure you for that one or two seconds while this was happenning she was not in any danger.

I did not hurt her. I had no intention to hurt her. I just wanted her to leave.

Our D was in another room crying at this time and I AM SURE that she didn't see that. It all happened so fast.

She was dragging her feet and smiling sarcastically while I was taking D upstairs, knowing that I would appreciate her leaving ASAP. It looked as she was inviting me to insult her. I never did such thing in my life and certainly don't approve it, but that night something just came over me and I am not proud of that. I didn't like myself and how I handled it. That's why I am so ashamed.

Big Star----the way it sounds she was baiting you. It seems that she wanted you to react ragefully and my opinion to that would be so that she could justify to herself, OM and others that she was doing the right thing having an A.

Whatever you do, do not let her put you in that kind of a situation.

If this is all you did in the 5 months of her betrayal, move on and get over it. Forgive yourself for reacting in that way and don't let her put you there again. You did not hurt anyone and you are only human. Everybody LBs like crazy in this type of situation....it is very painful.

Remember what Plan A is all about.....It is learning how to be loving, open and honest about yourself and the situation and it is negotiating with WS to end contact with OP but to do it in a loving, respectful way. If she does not have any intention on working on your M without contact, your Plan B is to help you survive the emotional turmoil of infidelity and to keep things as peaceful as possible to help your D survive this, too.

TW

Yes - you were baited, and you fell for the trap, and now your WW has yet another "reason" why her actions were right and just.
That doesn't make *your* action any prettier - you should (and I know you do!) take responsibility for your actions. You want to apologise? you already did apologise, no? if it really will make you feel better, drop her a note. I wouldnt call. It's NC after all.

Cheers
N

I know that I blew it. I know that she set me up, but I feel bad nevertheless.
She tried setting me up before, but this time was different. She blamed not only me but my D as well for the "misunderstanding" between us.

We're in plan B remember? Our situation is such, that we have no "middle man" between us. So there are misunderstandings when D's plans change suddenly.

This is what happened that night:

I couldn't pick D up from a friend's place at a certain time, so we (D and I) agreed that she would call her mom to take her to the apartment for an hour or two. This happened before with no problems. See, I didn't know that OM already lives there every second week (when my D is not there).

WW agrees, but CANNOT take D to the apartment because the OM is there and WW does not want to disturb him. He is "not ready" (his words) to meet our D yet. So WW puts my D words in doubt ("Are you sure, daddy is going to be at the apartment?"), gets an unsure answer, and waits for me at home instead.
This was another reason why D was crying. She was setup too!!! She felt guilty for not being sure and "creating" the situation.

She KNEW I would be waiting at her apartment. I would have waited the whole night if need be. She knows how patient I am when it's concerning my D.
After almost two hours, she calls OM and asks him to let me know that I screwed up and she is at the house. While calling from the house, D overheard the conversation. She asked mom who did she call. So mom tells D that "she has a friend in her life" that lives in her apartment. My D was devastated!!! She didn't know anything about OM.

Now, I am still waiting in the parking lot, when someone knocks in the windshield. For haven's sake, I didn't want to meet the bugger in my life, yet here he is, presenting himself. First thing he does, offers me a handshake. A handshake!!! I was ready to do something stupid, but calmed myself down. Then he tells me that I screwed up. I asked God to give me strength not to do anything bad and left as fast as I could.

When I got home I found my D crying so loud, I could hear her from the driveway. Was I furious? You bet I was! Was this a setup? No doubt in my mind! Did I want my WW out of the house ASAP? How would you feel? Yet she does everything to further tick me off and drags her feet saying: See, what you've done by cutting communication between us!!! She meant the plan B of course. And that smile!!!! As if she won a prize!!! She was punishing me (and my D) for stopping her eating cake.

Plan B stopped the blame source, so they used this opportunity to get me out of balance. They did a good job, I admit.

Thanks tossedwave, brianp.

Take care Nick! Update me if you feel like it.

BigStar

Your last message made me angry. Think about contacting an attorney and filing for full custody. You and your daughter do not deserved to be treated this way. What a witch!

BrianP,

You don't know how many times I wanted to do it, but taking in consideration my D's best interest, I can't. She loves her mom. I am trying to avoid anything that will upset my D.

Besides, things calmed down now (for D and I). NC for more than a month and it's great. WW does EVERYTHING to keep D happy after that night. I know WW feels very guilty. There are no more "momy has plans sweety, and cannot go with you to the soccer game" excuses. WW works her butt off to fix the relationship with D. I am pleased with that. This means that she is constantly under tremendous pressure. She is afraid to further upsed D from one side and at the same does not want to upset OM. One is impossible without the other, is it?

Tx.

BigStar

It's disgraceful how she tried to manipulate your daughter and use her. but she seems to have realised it, which is good.

dont beat yourself up about your reaction when confronted by OM and offered a handshake (yuck!) - in your place I would have beaten him up.... LB? sure, but it would feel absolutely terrific.

<strong> ... but CANNOT take D to the apartment because the OM is there and WW does not want to disturb him. He is "not ready" (his words) to meet our D yet </strong>

???? What a loser. I really hope that your wife sees him for what he is, and for what you are, and will make the right call without you or your daughter being tormented much longer.

I'm really confused. You say you are in Plan B yet you kicked your wife out a week later?

She KNEW I would be waiting at her apartment. I would have waited the whole night if need be. She knows how patient I am when it's concerning my D.
After almost two hours
20 nminutes wait time, after that take off.

Keep a log of everyting that occurs. Discussions, plans for drop off, pick-ups, time you got there, how long you waited, etc.

If your wife is screwing things up, YOU need to be ready at a moments notice to pick up the slack, no excuses.

My goodness Nick, you have no idea how much I would like to teach this guy a lesson. You know where I come from. Back in the old country I fought almost weekly. Sometimes protecting my wife too. I am good at it.
In one of her "speaches" she told me that she doesn't need me anymore because the place we live in right now is so safe. She doesn't need a " useless tough macho" (her words) to "protect" her. She doesn't need protection, she needs a "caring, loving, calm" man.

If I pick up a fight with him I am doomed. Actually, he will be doomed first ;-)
I WON'T do it!!! He is not worth it.

Chris,

You are absolutely right. I shouldn't have waited for so long. How dumb of me. Is it plan B, or is it waltz? Shoot.
Sorry, for the misunderstanding, but she didn't live at the house when plan B started. She lived in her apartment since February. She was just disregarding everything I asked her in the plan B letter. She was leaving messages calling me childish, comming home whenever she wanted, etc...
It stopped after that night.

Take care.

BigStar