I have been married for 8 1/2 yrs and a few days ago my wife told me she want's a divorce. Communication has been lacking over the last 2 or 3 yrs and I knew there was room to improve our life, but I gave up trying to communicate with her and unfortunately became comfortable with it.
A 3rd cousin of hers who she had not seen in 30 yrs came to visit 10 days ago, and all of a sudden she starts staying up till all hours talking and spilling her thoughts to him and I eventually took offence and we had a big blow out over this. I contended that I wished it was me who she could show this intimacy to but she didn't seem to find my point convincing, well the argument took a turn for the worse and then I find myself sleeping in a seperate room by my choice.
Instead of her cousin leaving when he was due to he decides to extend his stay and I'm left dumbfounded by this and eventually force the issue and ask him to make arrangements to leave as my wife hangs on to him and will not give me the time of day while he is here. I finally talk to my wife while he remains and she lets me know she wants out, without my asking she says straight up nothing is going on between her and her cousin but that she is not in love with me anymore. Now she has a wall built up and nothing I can say can penetrate it, all I can get is she is not inlove with me. She is not interestd in councilling and refuses to try and work on this.
Up untill 10 days ago I thought our marriage was o.k. and now I've been hit by a sledge hammer and have no idea on what I should do. We are both born again christians but now she seems to have turned off her christianity to this issue. Any suggestions I would be grateful.

Click on the link in my signature line. Pay particular attention to the Plan A links. If she is not having a physical affiar, she is having an emotional affiar, which in some ways is worse, because the unfaithful spouse can say "we're just friends" (or in this case, cousins), and hide behind that and not face the fact that they are unfaithful. You telling them they are emotionally unfaithful WILL NOT WORK.

Welcome to MB,

I am sorry you are here in this situation but you need to get a few basics first.

Please read the concepts section above, take the emotional needs questionnaire (for you and your W - If she will not take it willingly). Get ahold of the books his needs/her needs.

What is the status and background of this cousin? What are her relatives saying about him? Do you need to do a background search on him? Who is the manipulative one in that relationship - your W or the OM?

Take some time to breathe. Pray for a clear mind and a calm heart. Also do not be quick to do as she says......if her requests are unreasonable do NOT do them. Tell her you need time to think about it but DON'T let her bully you into making a bad decision. Do not make any life altering decisions on an emotional basis.

Please post back any thoughts or concerns.

L.

Since I asked the cousin to leave he is staying in a motel in town. My wife has over this memorial weekend spent nearly every waking hour with him, only returning to sleep. Today we both went to our pastor to talk,(reluctantly on her part.)After about an hour she said in tears that she didn't feel that she could stay in the marriage and that she had to leave to spend as much time as was left with her cousin before he leave the state to go home. My pastor wasn't finished by any means but could not persuade her to stay. What little I know about him is from her and her mother, he is married for 30 yrs now and has a son, he frequently travels and his wife I quess doesn't mind. He does smoke pot and says he suffers from anxiety, my wife's mother calls him nuts! This guy keeps extending his stay and now I think plans on leaving thursday. I personally think he is manipulating my wife as he talks till he is blue in the face but again that is my opinion. As far as the rest of the family goes or his wife I have no idea what they think of him or this and am afraid to ask as it may worsen the situation. She asked me to leave but I declined as I bought this house before I married her. I hope that I recognize unreasonable requests on her part as I really want my marriage. Thank you both for your input.

Gazz, you made a good decision when you refused to leave your home. If she wants to end the marriage, then she should be the one who is inconvenienced. In the meantime, the only thing you can really do is try to determine what has led to all this and to try to start filling her unmet needs. Don't get angry with her and don't make any disrespectful judgments. Don't fight with her. Here is a pretty good article about Plan A written by Dr Harley that might help.

http://www.marriagebuilders.com/graphic/mbi8113_ab.html

Wat's quickstart guidelines: http://www.marriagebuilders.com/cgi-bin/ultimatebb.cgi?ubb=get_topic;f=29;t=000940#000000

Do Not Move out of the house!
Do Not Move out of the house!
Do Not Move out of the house!
Do Not Move out of the house!
Do Not Move out of the house!

and in case you've missed it...

Do Not Move out of the house!

Now is the time you need to show your true strength!...

...and that means work on your Plan A.

Check out...
Plan A - 101 (2nd ed.)
Plan B - 101 (2nd ed.)
Plan B - 201

with the emphasis on PLAN A!!!

<img border="0" title="" alt="[Smile]" src="images/icons/smile.gif" />

Jim/NSR

Gazz12:

Here's an excerpt from Dr Willard Harley's What Are Plan A and Plan B?:

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">"Plan A IS for the betrayed spouse TO NEGOTIATE with the wayward spouse TO TOTALLY SEPARATE FROM THE LOVER without angry outbursts, disrespect, and demands. These three Love Busters not only ruin any effort to reach a negotiated settlement, but they also make the betrayed spouse much less attractive to the wayward spouse. Instead of encouraging total separation from the lover, the anger, disrespect and demands of the betrayed spouse make the lover appear to be the only one who truly cares about the wayward spouse. They literally throw the wayward spouse into the arms of the lover.

On the other hand, if the betrayed spouse approaches the wayward spouse with respect and thoughtfulness, the cruelty and self-indulgence of the affair is much easier for the wayward spouse to understand. And once the wayward spouse's mistake is acknowledged, it's much easier for him or her to take the first step toward recovery by agreeing to never see or talk to the lover again.

In these negotiations for total separation, the causes of the affair should be addressed. Since one of these causes is usually unfulfilled emotional needs, the betrayed spouse should express A WILLINGNESS TO MEET THOSE NEEDS AFTER THE AFFAIR HAS ENDED."</font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Despite what other people may tell you, Plan A is NOT about becoming a better you (although it is an after effect) IT IS TO NEGOTIATE WITH THE WS TO END HIS/HER AFFAIR.

And last but not least, read the Harley books 'Surviving An Affair', 'Love Busters', and 'His Needs Her Needs'.

Keep us posted.

If I read plan A right it requires her to take part, right now she has no interest in anything I have to say or do. Her cousin is suppose to leave on thursday but I'm not holding my breath! But even if he does I have no idea on how to encourage her to listen to me.

If I read plan A right it requires her to take part,
Totally the opposite. Iun a nutshell, Plan A requires you to do everything without regard to what you are getting from the relationship.

Read the links in my signature below.

Gazz12:

Much of what you have posted is familiar to most people here. At the very least, your W is getting her emotional needs met through this 3rd cousin and finds herself unable to give the attention up. Any feelings she had for you and your M have now been transferred over to this OM, thus her statements that she wants out and no longer loves you. This is very common. For her, this is all true, but not necessarily permanent.

Initially, the most important thing will be for her to get away from OM, though you have no real control over this. After he finally leaves, the two of them are likely to continue communications, probably frequently. This is when you will likely be able to start implementing the plan A in a meaningful way. Going to a marriage counselor together, if she will do this, is also helpful. The hope is the WS will at some point realize it is worth saving the M and that the OP is not worth devastating their family for. It will likely be a long and painful road but recovery is possible.

Since I last posted my wifes cousin got into a bad motorcycle accident on my bike, I decided to let him ride it on his last day here to try and show my wife that I'm not uncaring, I really didn't know what I was doing. So now after 10 days he is still in icu with head injuries causing concern and a badly broken pelvis. For the first few days I took my wife to the hospital about 45 miles away untill the cousins wife asked me not to go in the room with them as she thinks my presence may aggitate him. I was looking for a reason not to keep going down and she provided one. My wife lacks confidence in her driving and after a trip by herself asked me to take her down one night so she could stay overnight with cousins wife and pick her up the next night, I approached our marriage and she told me she still had not changed her mind so I declined to be her taxi. Now over the last 5 days she has spent only one night back home. I still would like to somehow save the marriage but I am becomming jaded. I have made an appointment with a lawyer for a consultation to see what I may be in for and have also decided to distance myself from my wife, not by moving out just by no contact, not sure if that is a good move or not. Friends have tried to talk to her about us but she is not willing to discuss this with them. My pastor thinks I should offer to take her to the hospital for Our LORD but am still unsure if I should.

Gazz, have you told the cousin's wife what has been going on? Also, how does your pastor figure that God wants you to drive your W to see the OM? I must be misinterpreting something here because God is dead set against adultery and would not like you to faciliate it.

Gazz,

I don't blame you for feeling jaded...but please remember this. Plan A has a far far better chance of saving your marriage than a divorce will.

No I haven't talked to his wife for various reasons. Right now he is still in bad shape and I don't want to burden her anymore than she is and 2 I have no proof of adultry and have no idea how his wife would interpret the time they spent together, she was infavour of his visit and has become reasonably close to my wife.

Continue with a good, solid plan A. That means, do the things you like to do, which make you feel good and strong. At the same time, ask yourself some deep questions - why did the communication with your wife break down these 3 years ago? what did you do, what not? what were her issues then? did you take them seriously? etc etc - the bottom line is, find out where you can better yourself to become a better person, husband and man.
But you can do that whilst drawing firm boundaries. A boundary may be - I'm kind to you and help you BUT if you want to visit him, go alone. Also, you should keep repeating that you disapprove of her relationship and that for the marriage to have a chance, she needs to stop the contact. I mean, dont tell that everyday, but regularly so she knows where you are. And stand firm.
The fact that she joined you to see the pastor is good. Continue to see him together if you can (or a private MC alternatively).

<small>[ June 09, 2003, 03:32 AM: Message edited by: Nick123 ]</small>

Plan A is to negotiate with the WS an end to the A without resorting to love busters and agreeing to fulfill the WS's top EN's after the A has ended.

Plan A is useless if you are resorting to love busters (selfish demands, angry outbursts, disrespectful judgements, dishonesty, independent behavior, and annoying habits) against her. Love busters destroy romantic love between spouses, and the more they are used against each other, the bigger the hole in the Love Bank is. So in order to restore the love your W had for you, YOU must plug the hole in her love bank, and the only way to do this is you need to stop all love busters against her immediately.

<small>[ June 09, 2003, 09:01 AM: Message edited by: T00MuchCoffeeMan ]</small>

Plan A requires her to at least negotiate and on that she will not. Him being in the hospital just increases her desire to be close. Plan B as I read it requires me to distance myself from her and that I can do. If she shows no interest in addressing our marriage what alternative do I have?

Gazz, Plan A doesn't require her cooperation at all. First, you do things that attract her back into the marriage, ie: meeting her emotional needs and discontinuing all lovebusters. You become the person she fell in love with again.

The idea is that doing those things will attract her enough to WANT to work on the marriage and end the affair. But if you continue to do the things that brought your marriage to this point, she will have no motivation to EVER work on the marriage.

It is very dangerous to go into Plan B without having done a thorough Plan A. If you go right into Plan B when she has a negative view of you on her mind, then it will just be a RELIEF for her. And very probably mean the end of your marriage. However, if you strive to meet her needs and show her the best side of you for a few months, she may be motivated to work on the marriage if faced with your absence in a Plan B.

Its important to start off with a program of attraction to bring your spouse back to the marriage. Does that make sense?

I would love to meet her emotional needs but I have no idea how to. She spends 90% of her spare time down at the hospital with her cousins wife and next to none here, and when we are together I have no idea how to approach someone who is distant. We will talk but only about her cousin's condition or something superficial. So I try to be pollite but not much else. I really don't talk unless she does first.

Gazz, you try and figure out what her emotional needs are. Go read the emotional needs questionaire and see if you can figure it out. What was it that attracted her to the OM?

For example, if you think it might be admiration, pay her a compliment about her outfit or hair. If it affection, give her a squeeze on the arm and nice smile. You have to just figure it out and look for opportunities when she is around. And it sounds like you are doing good by not lovebusting her, that is a definite plus.