The OM just sent me this email. He does know about my counseling, I mentioned it to him a while ago, when he said he was going as well. He also knows about this website, I thought it could help him as well, but asked him to please not read my posts.<P>Do I reply or ignore this?<P>"The pain, the hurt, the miss. My life sucks, I don't know what to do. I know sending this message is wrong, I know you are trying as hard as you can. I know I am trying. I know you have an appointment tonight. I know not only do I want to be happy but I also want you to be happy and have everything you want. I know I ruined a lot. I know communicating to you in this way will not help. I have not nor will I read any of your web site stuff but when I did, like I told you, it all appeared to be good stuff, I hope it's helping. I hope my week off helped you. I'm sure the counselors will/are also providing what is best. It's very hard. I question so much. The dreams are so strong and often. I'm so sorry. Sorry for everything. Sorry for being an [censored] hole. I'll continue trying to leave you alone, I know that is also what you are trying to do as well. For you and me. I'm sorry."<P>Help!

Hummingbird,<BR>This is just my thoughts, but I don't think you should reply to him. You have made it know that you want to work on your marriage and I feel he should respect this. I'm not saying its going to be easy. But I do feel that you need to make a complete break from him. Don't respond, just delete it. Be stong.<P>------------------<BR>That which does not kill us, will make us stronger.<BR>* Viki<P>

Well, he got this much right...he is an a**hole.<P>What is this happy horses**t: "I hope my week off helped you." Idiot. If he knows that his week off helped you, then why is he contacting you?<P>The way I see it, you have two choices:<P>1) Ignore it -- and him. Do not reply.<P>2) Reply, and say just this: "Please do not contact me again. I shall ignore any further communications from you.<P>If his life sucks, it's not your problem anymore. He has to work it out for himself, just as you do.<P>"I'll continue trying to leave you alone." So what does he want, you to feel sorry for him? Poor baby. Messes up his wife's and another married woman's life, then complains that his life sucks.<P>Hummingbird, you are worth so much more than this kind of cr*p.

God...how I wished my OM would have sent me an email like that. But, I guess it was for the best that he didn't because you are probably hurting and extremely confused...I'm so sorry.<P>The letter is very sad, but it sounds like he still has no intent on leaving his wife and since you want your marriage it might be best not to reply...it sounds like he is going through withdrawl big time and it will take him some time to get over it.<P>It's probably very difficult not to reply however! If you must reply, maybe you could just simply state (without making it known that you miss him) that you are sorry, but need to cut off contact with him in order to work on your marriage. In time this will also help him to get over the PAIN of withdrawl.<P>I know how you're feeling, but it will get easier only if you end contact with the OM. It sounds like it's not a lost cause with you and your husband and it sounds like you want to make it work with him...<P>Is the withdrawl getting any easier for you?

I think it's a manipulative piece of crap designed to make you feel sorry for him and guilty for ending it. I'm guessing that he is hoping to get some sort of sympathetic heartfelt reaction, which he can use to talk you back into the, well, whatever. He knows as well as anyone that once you have been down that path, you know the way. The next time down the path is that much easier.

You are going to be approached by him continuously until you get away from this situation, I cannot say that emphatically enough. I can imagine where you are at now, you are feeling sad and withdrawal is worse than ever; this guy's trying to break you down here. I won't say that he doesn't care for you, I'm sure he does in his own little selfish way (like they all do when involved in this situation, and they're not taking into account your best interest, which is your HUSBAND and MARRIAGE!). As far as the e-mail, he's probably going to approach you and say, 'did you get it?', trying to bait you into another conversation, so be prepared for that. Ignore it, ignore him.<P>I'm telling ya, you have GOT to get out of that situation (leave the job!), because a marriage is worth SO much more than a job.

If you start up with him again you are right back where you started. You will NEVER make progress in your marriage if this guy is in the picture. <P>He has no business continuing to pursue a relationship with a married woman, especially since he knows you are trying to repair your marriage, and I don't read anywhere that he sees any future for the two of you. Maybe he does not want to honor his marriage vows but he should at least allow you to. <BR>Believe me, I know from experience how hard this is, but what is the alternative?

Yes, withdrawal is getting easier. I'm sleeping at night, eating again and OM is not constanting on my mind. I'm so afraid of him pulling me back in. <P>I just sent him an email, saying "interaction between us has to stop, I'm very sorry but please leave me alone". He sent this response back: "I'm sorry, obviously I'm not doing that well, feelings are'nt diminishing. There is nothing that you can do. You have given me and tried so much. I'll try to leave you alone. I'm sorry and I don't want to cry. Take care." <P>I saw him get up with tears in his eyes and he's in the bathroom now.<P>He's driving me crazy.

He know you're a woman and "into" that emotions thing. He's playing on that to see if he can get you to cave in, feel sorry for me and resume the relationship.<P>Don't buy it .... guys will say anything to get to us.<BR>

As the other one here who still works with the OM, I can tell you that I also received similiar stuff from the OM. I took every program off my computer (ICQ, Yahoo messenger, etc.) that we used to use to chat with, and only have my work email left. Work email can be read by prying eyes. Maybe remind him of that. You must have a computer info services?? They can read that stuff and you could both lose your jobs. <P>Madelyn, yes, you are right, of course. However, sometimes, like in my case, my H doesn't even want me to quit! He wants OM to quit, but not me. There are ALWAYS reasons why people do what they do, and in my case, I waited SEVEN years for my job to become permanent (it had been temp!) and I'll be dam*ed if I'm gonna quit because I was stupid and had an affair. My H wants the same. He doesn't want our family to suffer while I have a $5.00 hr. job. There are factors like where you live, the job market, etc. that make a difference. This is not some silly justification to stick around the OM, but rather a choice my H and I have made because we have to pay our bills.<P>Hummingbird, don't answer his mail, unless you're prepared to talk about "things" and I KNOW that isn't what you want right now. I think he's being sincere, he's going through his own withdrawls, and he is indeed hurting. That isn't your problem though. Take care of YOURSELF AND YOUR HUSBAND RIGHT NOW. You owe it to both of you!!<P>Hang in there <p>[This message has been edited by new_beginning (edited September 14, 1999).]

Hummingbird--<P>You did the right thing...continued interaction with him will hurt you. You will get pulled back in and you won't get anywhere.<P>Be strong...hopefully your counselor will give you some good insight tonight! Ask her if she thinks you NEED to find a new job.

Hum,<P>Well personally, I know exactly how he feels. That could've been an email that I sent to my OW a few months ago. In many ways I'm very similar to your OM. I believe his tears, and I believe his pain, and I believe he is truly messed up about you and doesn't know what to do.<P>But the important thing, Hum, is that you must take care of yourself! You have to get another job ASAP! That is best for both of you. And in the meantime, be as strong as possible. Don't let his pain be your pain; you've got enough of your own!<P>Tell him to register to the board and I can talk to him. Cuz I know exactly where he is. I was there not too long ago.<P>--andy

new-beginning,<P>I can understand that. I wouldn't think it would be any type of justification to stick around the OM for your situation, I can agree that when we work to achieve those goals, and finding another job would be half of what our present salary is, that there is some type of justification in staying in your current career. But it's all the mindset. <P>This is only for my own situation -- I couldn't stand to see his face, it was a reminder of what I had done, maybe you don't have that type of contact, or maybe you're a stronger person that can deal with it. That's to be commended. When a person is struggling with withdrawal, it can set them back further, and I think in most instances, it's best to remove yourself from that situation. For me, I was just promoted to a position where they required a degree I certainly didn't have, but it was tenure. And because of the fact I couldn't deal with it, I had to leave. For those who can deal with this, I commend them, and you. We all know our boundaries. If we feel that we can't control the situation around us, whether it's withdrawal, or bad reminders, we get ourselves out of that situation. And that was best for me, and I think for most people (that's why Harley recommends it). <p>[This message has been edited by Madelyn (edited September 14, 1999).]

Madelyn, <P>Totally agree with you. I told you all that, and then tonight I asked my H again if I could quit. He wants OM to quit. Simple as that. If my H had his way, he'd find a way to have him fired. Not gonna happen that way. I have begun to pray that OM somehow, some way, finds another job.<P>You are right. Dead on. I wanted you to know that I agree. BTW, I have to see the OM daily and it's hell on earth. I thought I was through with withdrawls until my H began telling me about his visits to a bar without his wedding ring on. That hurt so much, and I guess I went a ways back into the withdrawl phase. But I haven't given in to the puppy-dog eyes or deep conversations with the OM. Sometimes though, it's the hardest thing not to...

NB,<P>You're husband is going to have to realize that the OM quitting or being laid off is not going to happen, because no one has control of this except the OM. It's kind of wishful thinking, and that's about it. <P>When you're H is telling you those things (no wedding ring, hug from another woman) he's pushing you into the OM's arms, so to speak, and your withdrawal is obviously going to be harder, because you want that feeling of being loved and cherished, and your H isn't giving it to you, he's just pushing you away by telling you this. I don't think your H realizes the full depth of what's going on here, if he did, he would want you to get away from that situation. How can you receive that type of treatment and just accept it? He needs to understand this. It takes two to repair a marriage, and he needs to realize his place in this.

My Wife thought she could “have lunch” with the OM 6 weeks after he left and that would be all. She did see him and now she has been gone for almost seven months!

Well, I had sleepless night thanks to OM. I've actually been sleeping for the past week and I cursed him all night long. I was so angry yesterday. I kept feeling he wanted me to come running to him, pleading and begging not to let me go.<P>I met with my counselor alone again last night and I really let it out. She agrees that "he's ****ing with my head", he may be sincere but it's not fair what he's doing. She feels that maybe he still isn't getting what he needs at home and maybe his marriage won't work and he doesn't want me to move on or get over him. She agreed I need to get out of the situation and if he continues it is harrassment.<P>I mentioned this website and Dr. Harley, she was not familiar with it but took down the web address and will look into it. She feels after what I've told her that my affair was a symptom of the problems in my marriage and if I had left I wouldn't of found happiness with OM. She's not saying however that my marriage can definitely be saved, it will be lots of hard work. My husband needs to control certain things and if he continues with his jeoulousy, temper, rudeness, and disrepectful behavior, there isn't much hope. I have also been less critical and tryed to communicate more. My husband will join me next week and the counselor feels he may be suffering from depression or adult ADD (not diagnosed as a child). He has all the signs and his mother also suffers from depression.<P>She also confirmed the 4 stages of love and how feelings fade over time. The divorce rate is over 50% now and it is very hard work to remain married, especially without children. <P>I do love my husband and I'm praying things will work out.<BR>

Hi everyone,<P>Not doing well today. I was stronger at home this morning when I sent the response above. God, I feel so angry towards OM today, so upset. I sent him an email this morning saying how upset I was and I hope he was happy and to leave me alone! I know it was wrong but it was really eating me up inside. I'm extremely emotional right now (PMS) and I'm sure it's playing a role. <P>I feel like that 1 email sent me back so far, he's so selfish to do this to me. He has not responded (which is good) and is actually acting like he's mad at me today. I really feel like punching him and I wish to God I never had to see him again. I wish I could just quit but I can't. <P>I also found out this morning that my husband's job may be jeopardy due to cutbacks. He's very upset.

It may be that you're hurt that he hasn't replied to your email to apologize and to ask to have you back. You also may be hurt because you're coming to a realization that this is really it...you can no longer have any sort of relationship/friendship with this man. It's so sad to lose a friend like that...that was extremely difficult for me also.<P>He may want you to come running back to him, but I think that NOTHING will be resolved this way. The OM obviously wants you, but is not willing to leave his wife for you...you don't want to live like that...you can't live like that. He would probably be happy just having an affair whereas you want to be authentic...you don't want to be living a double life.<P>I found it very difficult to walk away from the OM when it seemed that he wanted me so badly even though he wasn't intending to leave his wife. I know it's hard, but try to stop thinking about how he's feeling...he's made his decision and he needs to take care of himself.<P>Try to find a new job because withdrawl won't get any easier...if you can try and take a week off.<P>

Sorry to hear about the job thing with your H...it does make things more difficult. But perhaps it's fortuitous that OM seems petulantly angry with you, it'll be less temptation to run to him if the worst happens.<P>If your H loses his job, you will probably have to put many of your own needs aside TEMPORARILY -- do you think you can do that? You also may need to put your own job hunt on hold pending him finding another job (I don't know that for sure, only you do).<P>But the FACT still remains that your OM is selfish and manipulative. Keep that in mind.<P>Keep us informed, OK?