Great! my wife called me at work to ask my s.s.n. as she was at a lawyer's office putting together the divorce papers, it hit me like a ton of bricks and I had to leave work! I was calm when she called and gave the #, but after the call I couldn't deal with work so I excused myself. I know many people deal with this but it seems like I can't take any comfort in that.

I know there are no easy answers to this, but there seems no words of encouragement by family and friends can ease the pain. I know I need to see my own lawyer (which I will!) but these are the motions I have to take, but my heart cannot hate her so as to fuel the fire to fight her every step. I will fight but with a broken heart. She is a christian, or claims to be, but now I do wonder?

Sometimes I might as well talk to the bloody wall as talk to my wife!! A while ago she agreed to sit down and have a serious talk with me, as I told her that I wanted nothing left unsaid before this was over. So last night she sat down and we talked. I told her how I felt about her, without sounding like I was begging her to reconsider. I even had her in tears by the things I said ( I think I might have even touched her heart for a little while.) But when I was all done she certainly had not changed her mind. In the end she stll stood by with the ever dependable line " I feel nothing anymore" She then asked me if I was interestd in knowing what was written in the papers that were drawn up. I did, so she told me what we had talked about and the figure in $'s that she feels is her portion of the house. The $ figure was close to what I had expected, even though I plan on whittleing it down as much as I can. ( hope the lawyer can do that!)And then she told me what reason she put down for the divorce. Get this, she said that she was told that a judge would not accept irreconcilable differences as an option so she was left with the lesser of evils and put down emotional and verbal abuse!! What is ironic is that during our talk before I became aware of this I pointed out that I have never in any way abused her> And there was no dissagreement on her part.
I told her that I wished she hadn't put that down as a reason but too late now! I also informed her that I would not sign the papers till after I had spoken with my lawyer. I hate this!!!!! Still praying GOD will reverse this. She also asked if I would still help her move and pay for her to go to tennessee in sept. I told her I would help her move when the time comes, but ten is probably beyond my financial resourses.
The conversation was as good natured as I could have hoped for, but the end result was nothing!!

Got the papers today, have again no ideas! Must admit I am starting to feel the gloves need to disappear. Anyone want to advise I am open to ideas.

I decided that me and the wife should talk as little as possible and told her so. So the end result has been little or no talking.
Consulted with a lawyer and he seems to think he can help me, hope that is true!!

I wonder if someone could help explain a couple things my wife said to me.
I asked her if she would be going back to Teneessee when this is all done, she said no even though Debra said that she could get a job for her back in Ten. She explained that she felt she had a good job here, even though she can't even afford an apartment. (she told me that when she get's her share of the equity then she will.)And also she really has no one here who is close to her. The friends we have are all christian and they are all in opposistion to this divorce and to her actions in other areas to! Her family are back in Ten, so anyone who is close to her are back there.
Also she told me that she still planned on attending our church when this is all done, my pastor is also deeply opposed to what she is doing. I told her that I thought this would be awkward, but she said maybe for you but not her.
Can anyone make any sense out of this?

Gazz,

Stop trying to make sense of senseless fog babble....it will only give you headache and make you miserable.

Your wife seems to be one of those people who deals with difficulty by simply leaving. This is the fifth marriage she has left....that's the way she copes....by moving on. It keeps her from having to learn anything, or feel bad about it. One day it's all going to catch up with her and she'll simply have no place to run. I wish there was some encouragement I could offer, and I truly feel badly that I can't. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Frown]" src="images/icons/frown.gif" />

Well last night I finally was able to say something to my wife that gave me a small portion of satisfaction and left her storming out the house in anger. After talking to her for an hour or so and her taking the rolling eyes approach I told her if I had known the type of person she is 9 yrs ago I would have never f*&^%&g married her! Don't think it helped my marriage much!
Sorry if some might think I wa wrong and it certainly was a LB, but putting up with her crap for the past 2 months, I felt that I was a lot tamer than she has the right to expect.
I retained a lawyer yesterday, also the day her 3rd cousin finally went back to teneessee. I took no joy in hireing a lawyer, but as she is determined to take, I felt sadly I had to. I am really not looking forward to the near future as I have to overcome this divorce and the prospect of starting again scares the crap out of me.

Gazz,

Ya know! I ought to give you a bad time about what you said.....but I just can't. I know it's scary to rebuild your life, but your wife is a very immature person who has not yet learned how to maintain a relationship. And my guess is she's already looking for number 6. Sorry you have to take the attorney route....but I think it's for the best.

Star! or anyone else.

My wife has moved out of the house into what she has told me is a bedroom in someones house, when she packed she only took what she needed to get by, and left the majority of her belongings at the house. She said that she would come by at lunch everyday to let the dogs loose but I declined the offer, so when she was leaving I asked for the keys to the door and she gave them to me.

My pastor and his wife sat down and talked with my wife yesterday for a couple of hours, last night he called me and talked about how the meeting went. Both he and his wife seem to think that my wife has a lot of unresolved issues from her past that has influenced how she leads her life now. She seemed tired and beat up by her life, carrying around a lot of hurt. But in saying that they got no details from my wife as to her past, so I really don't know what to draw from that.

They also said that my wife is an emotionally driven women and that maybe I'm to analytical and that can lead to a perception on my wifes part that I am condecending. I do know that when talking to my wife in the past that trying to get into any deep conversation with her was like pulling teeth! She would answer questions with "thats just the way I think" or "just the way I am" or make statements on subjects without elaborating on why she believes a certain way with statements such as above. It's because of her inability to examine why she believes a certain way that communication between us became less over the yrs. I stopped trying to really understand her because she did not give me any insight to her personality. May be she just needed someone to listen, and when Alan showed up he wouldn't try to get her to elaborate.

But the end result was that my pastor and his wife believe I shouldn't give up, but also it could be a case of patience on my part if this is to change. I am not as optimistic as they are as they have not seen the side to my wife that I have. Also while I do have my share of short commings I don't believe I have done anything so bad as to warrant the treatment I have been recieving over the past couple of months. My wife has told the pastor she will keep attending our church so I'll likely see her today, have no idea how this will fly. The truth is I doubt our marriage has any chance and I am resigning myself to that.

good morning Gazz!

I don't know your wife personally, but the pastor does. I don't think you should get your hopes up, but I'd like to see you tread lightly for a little while and make sure before you guys "stick it" to each other in the attorney's office. Really Gazz...if you still are holding on to some hope....why not explore that? If you're ready to move on....it doesn't matter what the pastor said. I'm glad you checked in today.

since you asked for advice heres mine.

Don't sign the divorce papers as she has drawn them up. If you didn't abuse her then don't sign the document. If she wants out then put down the truth - Wifes infidelity. Again don't sign it her way.

She may then use the divorce papers as a tool to gain support from you or against you in some other negotiations.

If you have filed the papers incorrectly have your lawyer file a correction ASAP.

Now my wife has done something that makes me want the divorce. I found out recently that my wife has been talking to a divorced man, who by the way has 6 kids. They both told me that it was just a friendship, someone for my wife to talk to. I told my wife that I felt this was innapropiate but I doubted I convinced her.

So last night on a gut feeling I went over to his house and guess who's car was parked there? No prizes for the right answer! Now what I did some may not agree with, but none the less I was able to see into his bedroom, what I saw turned my stomach! My wife was in a t-shirt and underwear as was her plutonic friend. My wife was passionately kissing him and letting him put his hands over her intimate areas. While they didn,t have sex before she left, she might as well of done.

Over the past 2 months I have lost 30lbs from the anguish she has caused me, but fortunately this guy gained them! <img border="0" title="" alt="[Wink]" src="images/icons/wink.gif" /> I then followed her to where she was living so I could come home and leave a note in her car for her. I said in the note that I'm done caring and that if I never see her again it will be too soon. My pastor is aware of some of the details but not all, he may try to bring her before the church but I doubt that will even phase her. I told him that she laid down a smoke screen when talking to him and illuded to her past as it repeating it self with her.

Star you were right about her, even though she has said she would never marry again, it didn't take her long to find another man. I hope they are happy together, just as long as she get's out of my life!

Gazz12

Sorry to hear about your latest findings.

Hold off on the divorce issue until you've had a chance to cool down.

Maybe your first step should be a strong Plan B. Putting your wife "out of site out of mind" may allow you to regain some strength.

Obviously your wife is still trying to cover her problems with another relationship. I imagine this happens more often than we really know.

I discovered that during my WW affair she had a one night stand with another man. My WW was married to me, in and affair with the OM and then slept with yet another OM. Betraying me and her affiar partner. Go figure.

In the end do whats right for you.

Goodguy, your'e a stronger man than me, I can forgive anything, nearly! but the images of what I saw are burned in my head and I am unwilling to forgive what I saw. She has put me through hell the last couple of months, and now this. Sorry I don't have it in me to forget or reconcile.

Gazz,

This hurts me deeply for you. I wish that your wife were the kind of woman who was mature enough to rebuild a relationship, but her history and her current actions unfortunately make me believe that you are fighting a losing battle. She doesn't value marriage....or she would never be five times divorced!!! And her age...that's a phenomenally bad record. I don't know what she needs...but I don't think one man can give it to her.....not even a good man Gazz. I so rarely say this, but I hope you move on and look for someone more worthy of your devotion. My prayers are with you.

(((((((((((((Gazz))))))))))))))))))))

Thanks Star!

It's been great to recieve the support, you've been a great source of encoragement, as has others. Not much happened in the last week, changed the locks on the door and today I packed and moved all of her belongings into my garden shed out back, might make a great home for mice and spiders. Absolutely no way do I want her to set foot inside this house again!
I really tried to save this marriage but unfortunately the most lasting image of her that will stay with me now is of her and the dough boy.
Well such is life! I only hope that a brighter future lies before me.

Gazz,

How are you? I've been MIA for a while with a computer virus....nasty bugger! Just checking on you.

It's been a while. Not much has happened over the last few weeks. Yesterday my wife called me at work, first time we have talked since she left.
The conversation lasted about 20 seconds. She called to tell me that her lawyer had told her that I was contesting the divorce and she wanted to know why? The only thing I said in responce was "untill you are ready to come and get your belongings don't call me again" Then I hung up the phone. Hopefully she will choke on this all weekend! I have an appointment with my lawyer on wednesday to go over our responce to her papers.
My lawyer has told me that neither he nor his assistant have been able to find any record of my wife filing for divorce, and so it quite possibly is going to be up to me to file. I can only assume that my wife lacks the money to file. If I end up having to file I am hoping that I can make adultry fly as the reason.

I talked with my pastor last weekend and he still wants to talk with my wife again, I told him that he can if he really wants but not to include me in this as I have no desire to save this marriage anymore. My pastor is aware of all the details of what I know but doesn't seem to think I have moral grounds for divorce. Needless to say I dissagreed strongly with him. Regardless I will never reconcile with my wife.

Heres my suggestions for you.

IF you don't want a divorce.

- Don't file. Period

IF you do want the divorce then take control. You draw up the documents your way, you file them, have her served and wait for her response.

IF your wife want's the divorce and keeps asking why your contesting.

- tell her that her lawyer hasn't filed anything for you to contest. IF he has please send the stamped (filed court documents are stamped) to your lawyer for your review. When you get them make your changes, sign it and send it back to her.

I wish I could say this is all over, but it's not. My lawyer has made some typo errors on the papers so I have to wait untill the corrections are made. Life does seem very lonely now and I have to fight it. I really wish nothing but the worst for my wife and that probably isn't the right attitude, but how do you stop the pain? I wouldn't take my wife back, but I still wonder how she arrived at the choices she has made.