I was pointed in the direction of this wonderful forum by a friend on another message board. I hope you have time, because my story is kind of long.
DH and I have been together since 1995, married since 1998. I'm 26, he's 29. No children. My story actually begins with my infidelity (before marriage) in 1996. Shortly after I moved in with DH (finace at the time), I made the horrible decision to sleep with one of his friends...only once. I felt awful about what I'd done, and thankfully his friend moved away shortly after it happened. I lived with the guilt for two years, but knew I needed to tell DH before we got married. When I told him, I offered to move out until he decided if he still wanted to marry me. I went to my grandma's where he called me less than 2 hours later and asked me to come home. We married, and I made the decision to never let anything like that happen again. I never wanted to hurt him like that ever again.
Fast forward to last summer (2002). DH began drinking a lot and coming home late. He works for a beer company, so this does happen occassionally but began happening with more and more frequency as the weeks went on. In October, all hell broke loose. He came home drunk one night and told me that he thought I was having an affair!! He told me that he didn't know if he wanted to be married anymore, and he left!! He didn't come home until after bar time. The next day he apologized. This started an endless cycle. About once every week he would come home drunk from work, yell at me about something, and leave. He would always come home at bar time and apologize the next day. This went on every week until May 8, 2003.
This time we were at the bar together for a promo for his company. While we were there I teased him about the bartender flirting with him. Well, he snapped and said we were leaving!! When we got home I asked him what the hell that was about. That's when he dropped the bombshell on me. He told me that back in April 2002, he'd had an affair!! It was a bartender who was at one of his stops. He said it started out as just flirting, but one night she said she got off of work in a few minutes if he wanted to follow her home. He did!! He says he "saw" her only 2 more times after that before he ended it. He never heard from her again as she had already quit her bartending job. He says she never attempted to contact him by phone, either. Apparently, she moved away last summer....good riddance!!!
He says there was no emotional attachment (he doesn't even know her last name!!) He says that it just felt nice that someone seemed interested in him, and he figured since I'd done it before we were married......you get the picture. I asked him if it was revenge for what I'd done, then why did he go back to her twice more??? He says that he thought I was having an affair! I told him I was sorry to disappoint him, but I've been completely faithful to him since we got married!!
He claims that the guilt ate at him until he could no longer face me. He says it was easier to come home drunk and angry than to have to face the truth. By the time he realized I wasn't having an affair, things had gotten way out of control. The drinking, the fighting, the leaving had all become a pattern...a way out for him. So I ended up suffering and paying the price for his infidelity!!
Anyway, he walked out again that night (May 8) and said I was better off without him. I told him the next day that if I had wanted a divorce, I would have done it a long time ago. If he wanted a divorce, he could get off his butt and file. If he wanted to try to get through this, I was here.
He went up north to his parents' that weekend. I told him that I didn't know if I would be at home when he came back, but ultimately I decided not to leave. When he came home Sunday night (May 11), he finally broke down. He said that if I hadn't been there, he would have called and asked me to come home. That he didn't want to live without me, and that he hated himself for what he'd done and what he'd put me through this past year. He said he was tired of trying to shift the blame (which is what he'd do when he was drunk), and was ready to take full responsibility for everything that had happened. His fault, not mine.
He hasn't come home late since. He hasn't drank since. But it's only been a few weeks. Has he really changed?? I know people can change, because I made the choice to change 7 years ago. Can I ever really trust him again?? It's hard because he's had a full year to deal with his affair, but I just found out about it. It's still fresh to me. I get sick to my stomach every time I think of him with her!! And does he really trust me??? I know I can be trusted, but does he??
We are going to Florida in 3 weeks to take the honeymoon we never had. He also got a new tatoo to symbolize his love and faithfulness to me (no it's not my name....it's a shamrock because we met on St. Patrick's Day). He says he wouldn't have gotten it if he didn't intend to spend the rest of his life making things right.
I want our marriage to work. I still love him, and I want to be able to trust him again. But part of me is scared that I won't ever be able to let this go!! Will this image of her haunt me forever?? I still cry every day. He holds me and he answers all my questions (even about the details), but how long will HE be able to put up with ME?? What if I push him too hard??
And then, of course, there's the peanut gallery. Friend who say "once a cheater, always a cheater". But I don't believe that, because I was a cheater and I've made the choice to change. But then I think "Fool me once, shame on him....Fool me twice, shame on me." Am I a fool for wanting this to work??? But can it work if I can't stop thinking about it??
Well, that's my story. Any comments?? Suggestions?? Advice??? Thanks for listening!!
