I'm writing to share what I am going through. I'm still struggling with withdrawel from the OM. In reaching for direction and strength, I'm reading the Power of Now. I find it very deep- but helpful. I think its taking me on a journey of self-discovery and enlightenment, and it will help to guide me as I further detach myself from the OM.

It has been 4 months since all contact has been severed. I have to remain very strong. I disclosed the A to my H in order to be able to sever the OM completely from my heart and begin our healing. And all in all, we are recovering better than I had ever imagined.

But my problem is that I still think about the OM all the time. I want so badly for those thoughts to STOP. I feel as though he is a part of me eternally...or that he has a piece of me with him. And I don't want that. I want to be completely free. I dont want him to have that of me. Deep down inside of me there is an ever-present feeling of loss...a void. I mourn internally.

I thought about saying a final, end-all, completely severing goodbye. A final closing of the door for me, so-to-speak. Somehow...in a letter... in an email...even one that I don't send. But all contact is absolutely forbidden. Furtermore, I have come quite far from where I was at. And it could backfire. In saying that 'goodbye', it may instead revive the connection...at least in my mind, or emotionally. So what do I do?

I am so very grateful for my dear H. It breaks his heart to hear that I still think of OM and its not fair. I feel guilty for it and hate myself for it. Yet it feeds on me like an obcession. Sometimes I even find myself talking to OM as tho he is a lingering spirit. I know I shared entirely too much of myself with him. For
that, I am still paying the price. Will I always?

I am working so hard at moving on and pushing him farther and farther into the past. But maybe I haven't completely let go. Is letting go a conscientious act that takes diligent work or does he eventually fade from my mind with only the passage of time? Or do I simply accept that he will always be a part of me?

So..... any advice, encouragement, or mere sharing of thoughts are all welcome. Even if it is harsh. I desperately want my mind to be freed from the enslaving thoughts about him. I love my H and am devoted to him now. The OM is nothing to me. At least, he should be. All that matters -more than anything - is my life within my marriage and my family.

I will add that I have been going to counseling but even the counselor admitted that she feels she hasn't been much help. She was just a sounding board. Any recovery of mine has come from within myself as I work through my thoughts and deal. She suggested journaling and for me to continue with this website. So here I am.

breeney

Do it one day at a time. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Smile]" src="images/icons/smile.gif" />

Good job!

breeny,

Withdrawal can last awhile, six months or more. So to some extent this seems normal, at least from everything I have read here. In someways there apparently will always be a piece of you with OM, that is why Harley strongly suggests NO CONTACT ever. I think you can now see the wisdom of that approach. Some can make contact later with no effects but many cannot.

You have done very well. I think you will continue to see your thoughts of OM decline based on what has been posted here. However, focus might help.

Not focusing on forgetting OM, but focus on your H and your family. That leaves less time for your mind to be in idle and thus going back to OM. Your H needs your focusing on him. He needs your help in his healing. He has stood by you, but there has been a big cost to him. I don't know if he shows it or not, but it is there. You focusing on him should really help him, and allow the thoughts of the OM to fade.

Well, you have my $0.02.

God Bless,

JL

Did I read right that you are still struggling with feelings for the other man? Are you crazy have you read any of the letters from people who's lives have been DESTROYED by people like you. I'm sorry I have no sympathy for you, as a man who's wife deystoyed every happy or enjoyable thought I have because of adultery I know what I'm talking about. Perhaps you would like someone to torture you for 20,30 or fifty years with the most painful thoughts ever.

People make mistakes but to continue to feel for someone and continue to destroy someone who loves you is horendous. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Mad]" src="images/icons/mad.gif" />

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Originally posted by BILL29:
<strong>I'm sorry I have no sympathy for you, as a man who's wife deystoyed every happy or enjoyable thought I have because of adultery I know what I'm talking about. Perhaps you would like someone to torture you for 20,30 or fifty years with the most painful thoughts ever.
</strong></font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Hey, settle down, soldier.

Look, it's your first post, and I understand you're upset. But please, some consideration? Breeny came here looking for help.

Breeny has done a lot. She's made a firm decision to return to her marriage. She's cut contact with the other man. She admits to being tempted to send a letter to gain closure, but she adds that she will not do it. She is doing the right things.

But you're mad at her for her feelings. Feelings aren't so easy to control, are they? How well are you controling yours?

Breeny: I said this in a previous post last night, and I'll say it again here, too. You've let yourself feel sad for what you lost, and that IS OK to do. It's also OK for you to feel angry.

Don't see your affair anymore as what you hoped it to be. Those dreams of a happily ever after with him have not, and WILL NOT, come to pass. Instead, see this relationship for what it was -- a dead-ended affair that only led to two (or more) broken hearts. So much was lost and nothing was gained. Be angry about that.

Quit romanticising the relationship.

Bill: I suspect your outburst here is more about you than about Breeny. Are you concerned that your wife still holds warm feelings for her former lover?

Breeney your situation is very normal and if you don't beleive me just go and read diane1223's thread depression and affairs . She is going thru a very similar situation as yours.

Pepperband is right, the way to deal with thoughts of OM is one day at a time.

Bill,

First, I feel for what you are obviously going thru. I am sorry if I offended you but I think I
opened a doorway to venting for you- and that's ok by me. We are ALL recovering. You would have to be in my shoes to completely understand what it is that I have gone through and feel.(Not to defend myself for I know I put myself there.)
Furthermore -I don't ask sympathy from anyone. I am working very hard at getting the OM OUT of my mind. I want nothing more.

Ever have an affliction? I view what I feel as an affliction that I battle...day after day. It is a problem for me that I am working VERY HARD at overcoming. Simply put- I made a mistake. I got in over my head. I became addicted to something much more powerful than I knew how to handle. For that, I am paying a personal price far greater that even you will ever know.

As for my H, he has already forgiven me. He sees first hand how I have suffered. And I am by his side now more than I have ever been. Through both of our sufferings, I KNOW I will never allow myself to fall into the same trap again. His forgiveness has been instrumental in my healing,
as well as his. And I am doing everything I can to rebuild his trust.

Just because I acknowledge lingering feelings for the OM (my *affliction* so-to-speak) that doesn't mean I am doing anything to nurture them. I also feel hatred for what he (the A) has done to me and my H. To quote my therpist "That hatred could very well be my subconscious trying to push him farther and farther away."

I battle. I am working on it. I have been face to face with a monster.... called Adultery. I have
risen from the depths of hell and have emotional scars to prove it. So does my H, so do you. But you know what? H and I are survivors. I can only HOPE the same for you.
breeney

Thankyou Just Learning, Good advice about my "focus". I thought about it all evening and am practicing it.

Thankyou Wiegee. You helped me to see that I sometimes subconsciously romanticize about the former relationship - even if I don't mean to.
I need to work even harder on not doing that.

Thankyou, as before, Pepperband and Too Much Coffee.

The following introspection helps the bottom to drop out of my unconscious romanticising.

I realize that I had such intense feelings in that relationship. The joy was as intense as the pain and sorrow. And now I realize that the joy was false because it was derived from my getting my "fix"- for the addiction. Without my fix, I'd go thru hell.

I have discovered the hard way that to be "in love" is not the same as "true love." For true love has no opposites. I love my H. I always have.
I just, quite unfortunately, lost sight of what true love is all about. Thank God I didn't lose my H after going down that dark path.

Breeney,

I hope you tell your H about your new insights and do it often. From what you have described, I think he has indeed shown you what true love means. Thank him and do it often. When OM pops into your head turn that thought to your H and focus on him.

I think as you do this you will find that your thoughts will gradually change more and more to your H and less and less to OM.

There is much more to say, but I think most of what I would say will come to you with time.

God Bless,

JL