One thing I have expolored on this site, but have not seen, is the actual confrontation with the lover. Cannot hold these feelings in much longer. Feel the need to stand up for my marriage. Man is nothing but a wolf in sheep's clothing and she does not have a clue to see this. Destroying the lives of 4 people, mine, hers, and our 2 kids, and she cannot see this either. Following the Plan A, but is very draining. Not much more I can say or do to show my love, and how can you show your love at times when you yourself are emotionally drained? So I feel confronting the other person is needed. For me, for her, for our kids, for our marriage. Need to defend her honor, my marriage, my family. Feedback?

Tommy,

There have been some discussions of this in the past.

From my own experience, I would say that there is little for you to gain from such a confrontation - and much to lose.

It depends on what kind of guy he is. If he is just playing around and really doesn't care - your controntation might increase the "cost" of his relationship with your w - and he might just go find some other toy to play with. But, this is not the usual case, and it is the only case I can think of where such a confrontation would help you.

Probably, your W is telling him some story about you. He thinks he is "saving" her from her bad H. Don't give him any reason to reinforce that thought.

In short, the only way you can do any good by contacting OM - is if you can be perfectly calm, even pleasant with him. That is, for must of us, just impossible.

Is OM married? Does he have kids? Has he met your kids?

All of these things make a difference. If he is married, contact his wife. That will help. If she doesn't know already, that will greatly increase the pressure on him - without confirming for him whatever you W has told him about you. It is his own W he will be dealing with. If he is not married, maybe he will be overwhelmed by your kids in some way. Probably, I would keep them out of it - but there may be an angle there. He may enjoy sneeking off alone with his lover, but may not see that on this path, he will spend the next few years with somebody elses kids. You don't want that, and I'll bet he doesn't really want it either, but I don't know if you can use it. You have to put the kids interests first and not get them in the middle of this.

OK, those are my thoughts off the top of my head. Be cool. Read everything on his site - not the forums, but the concepts. Get Surviving an Affair and read it. Read Dobson's "Love Must be Tough" for another view on how to handle an affair. You can make it through this.

Oh, and one last thing... on the subject of "honor". Honor comes from holding yourself to the highest standards of behaviour when nobody seems to care, when everything seems to be against you, when it doesn't seem to pay off. Your honor is not something you fight for with fists, but with faithfulness, patience, love, and attention to duty. Just my opinion.

-AD

<small>[ September 25, 2003, 06:34 PM: Message edited by: AD. ]</small>

Tommy,

While I agree with almost everything AD stated, I need to tell you that Steve Harley has counseled many here to confront the OP. Redhat is one that has done this. I think the idea is to convey to the OP that you do care and don't intend to give up your spouse. It also gives them a chance to see the real, live breathing human being they are helping to destroy.

I DID confront the OW in my case and she was quite upset that my H had lied to her. She thought that he was separated and she never spoke to him again. She also answered all of my questions about the affair and filled in lots of gaps. In my case, contacting the OW ensured the end of the affair. You can't expect that kind of outcome, though, and have to be prepared for the worst and prepared to CONTROL your emotions in a highly charged situation.

In my opinion confronting the OP is something that should be done, but should be done with extreme caution. You do not know (usually) what type of person this OM is, and you cannot usually be sure how you will react when you see him. I confronted my W's OM's (2of the 3 anyway) and it was probably the best thing I did. But it wasn't easy. I had to put it off because the first time I confronted OM #3 I didn't actually make it cuz when I saw him (he didn't see me or even know who i was at the time) I was consumed by rage. It was the first time I could ever relate to someone when they talked about "seeing red" and having "tunnel vision". I would say confront him, calmly, rationally. Tell him who you are, that you want to save your M, that you cannot do it with him in picture, that what he is doing is helping to destroy your entire family. If he is married tell his wife also. In fact, if he has kids and they are old enough, tell them too. JMVHO

MTD

I have two comments on this subject. First, be prepared to be hurt by what you hear from OM. Second, don't necessarily believe everything that you hear from OM! In my case, because the OM lives 500 miles away, I had to confront by phone. OM told me that my WW had initiated the A. That if WW wanted to end it and come back that he would drop her in a heartbeat, but that she wanted it to continue. Painful, and true. When I asked OM if his W knew he became defensive and said that she did, that I could call her if I wanted, that his marriage was over and it wouldn't make one bit of difference one way or the other. A great bluff and I bit on it, never contacting OMW. When my d called her, two months later, OMW had no idea. OM called my WW later that very day to end A. Remember that when two people are in an A, both are going to lie to you.

Well... if Steve H. advises it... it must work in some cases. I just didn't for me.

On the other hand, one thing that MelodyLane said makes sense to me and I used to tell my W that same thing.

OM didn't think I was a real person.

To him, I was just the monster my W painted.

-AD

<small>[ September 25, 2003, 06:35 PM: Message edited by: AD. ]</small>

Okay several words of caution all aimed at your feelings and outlook....screw the OM give me his address and I will beat him silly for you. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Mad]" src="images/icons/mad.gif" />

He really isn't going to give a darn one way or the other. He used your wife plain and simple so he loses nothing but a body when the affair is over.

There are several possible negative outcomes from his standpoint.

One he will gain more pleasure or ego by seeing know he "beat" you out of something.

Or secondly he will retaliate against your wife, you or your family.

He could also tell you things about your wife you simply don't want to hear leaving you feeling like she was more active in the affair than she is admitting.

The most you could hope for is the guy has an ounce of concious and will feel some guilt but I doubt he will feel a tremdous amount of guilt since he was willing to become involved with a married woman.

Either way nothing is accomplished from your standpoint.

If you want revenge or at least some form of eye for an eye tell his wife if he has one. Then keep her posted on all the ugly details so she can dump guilt on him as well.

But think about it is that really that much satisfaction compared to what you lost?

Can running him down verbally balance out him being intimate with your wife? It can't.

And if you become physical you risk personal injury and or legal complications.

I appreciate everyone's responses & opinions, giving me perspective from both sides. To give you a little background: he is no longer married, wife left him last spring, divorced since, no kids at home. My wife moved out with our kids last fall, to move in with him. My wife has been home since the beginning of March after spending a month in an alcohol treatment center. She is undergoing regular counseling and alcohol related conseling. Our stuff is mostly still in his attic, she/we have been down to his place to bring home some things that are needed over the past few months. My wife still communicates with him, though not every day, and still pays a visit to him at his work, though not every day. He is a suave, distinguished, smooth talker, but one who covers up his manipulative, coniving, demeanor. I know him well, as he knows me well. He is richer than myself and has a nicer house. I/we have done our best with what we have, which isn't that bad at all. If anybody would like to know anything more, please ask. I am looking for other men who have been there, for support. God knows the life keeps getting sucked out of me.

Your wife still communicates with him and visits him at work? You have got to be kidding me. There is no hope for recovery without No Contact. She is still disrepecting you by communicating with him. The fog will continue and the chance of the affair coninuing in the future is ever present.
Allowing her to visit him and remain in contact is simply unacceptable. Why are you accepting this behavior?

Thanks for filling in a few gaps, Tommy. It helps when trying to figure out how to advise you.

My own take on this situation is that in your case you should NOT confront him! First off, since his W has left him (maybe she had an A?), possibly she div'd him b/c he runs around A LOT? It is possible he is a loser all around, but you won't have any "counter-balance" (a W at home) to threaten him with.

Second point: he sounds like the kind who will take up your confrontation as a challenge. I get the impression from your impression of him that he would want to win over you (by stealing/keeping your W) if he knew you were serious about "winning" this competition (that's a guy thing fer sher. Given his "manipulative, conniving" demeanor, my vote is don't confront him.

Simply be there for your W during this hard time, and Plan A, Plan A, PLAN A her! Win over her emotions with your Plan A, and let him get tired of waiting and move on to the next "conquest."

God Bless,

Yes, his wife had affair with one of their closest friends and left him. Wedding coming up very shortly. Guess I should also confess that I have only discovered this site a month or so ago, and am still learning from it. I have not purchased any of Dr Harley's books (where I assume all of the details of the Plan A/Plan B are contained.) I have gathered what Plan A is based on readings from the MB and from Dr Harley's writings contained on this site. Also wondered if there are any women out there who has wanted to end an affair, but could not for some reason, whether it be fear, lack of bravery, etc.? Based on conversations and times we have had recently, it has dawned on me that perhaps she does not know how to sever ties with him. Says she came back home because she felt the need to give us a chance to make repairs, etc. I have told her that if you really felt this way, then you need to give me a 100% fair chance, with him out of the picture. She will fill up my Love Bank as we have/do have some very special times, then when I found out that they have contacted in some way, it drains it to a defecit again. Affairs are worse than the death of a loved one!