Well - I have not posted here before but found the postings quite helpful and informative. My story -

My guy and I have been together for 7 years. Mostly good. He has had a problem with infidelity his whole adult life. "Yes - I was the one who was going to change him!" We are not married - we were engaged to be married and kept putting it off for various reasons. Not because we didn't love each other but because we both felt that in our hearts we had already made the vows. Silly I know.

Anyway, he had an affair three years ago - the fog lifted very quickly in that instance and we reconciled 5 weeks after the affair began and made new commitments to one another. We had a baby girl in March of 2002 - she is beautiful and the love of our lives. On March 7, 2003 he said that he didn't love me anymore and hadn't loved me for two years - and moved out that day. On March 9, he moved into an apartment with a girl we had known through hot air ballooning. I am sure I wasn't suppose to know about it but I do. I have also heard rumor that they are in love and getting married. I know this is not real but it hurts very badly.

I felt that I couldn't handle seeing him - I told him that I didn't agree with his new found lifestyle and I didn't want my daughter to think that what her father was doing was ok? - we tried because of Skylar to be civil and see each other twice a week. But it hurt everytime I saw him and saw him wearing a new outfit or a new haircut, etc. - so I asked him for some time and he gave it to me. He called once in 1 month - to see if I was planning to ever let him see Skylar again. It was a very strange conversation. I didn't talk much so it was a 10 minute phone call with a 3 minute conversation.

I felt stronger last week so I left him a note on his car that I was ready to talk whenever he was. He of course - didn't call so I had to call him for the child support and found out that he was going out of town over Memorial Day weekend to meet the OW's grandmother and aunt in Arkansas (about a 15 hour drive). I am so hurt - I can't beleive that he would go or that OW would take him - she was in a long term relationship also up until her and my guy moved in together. How sick is that????

Anyway, I was hoping that it was a bust. That they had a miserable time - but I don't know. He called the day after he got back to town and asked if we could get together on friday evening to talk - maybe at his dads house - if that was OK. I told him that I wasn't sure what my plans were but that he could call me on friday and I would let him know.

I have decided to let him come to the house and play with Skylar until she goes to bed and then we can talk. He hasn't seen her in 1 month except for about 15 minutes.

So there you have it. I do want to work things out with him but and not sure how to??? I am not sure how to help him get over her??? I am not sure how to use the techniques in Plan A in this situation??? I don't want to blow any chances I may have to make a great impression on him tonight!!! Please help!?!?

Hi CNF

I really don't have much time now, but wanted to let you know you have come to a great place here to find support.

Read everything you can on this site in the opening pages to find out about how MB principles work. Order a copy of SAA and think about it in relation to your situation.

When you meet with your SO, remember no angry outbursts/disrespectful judgements (LBs) etc. It will be incredibly hard because you must find yourself in a very painful situation right now.

The weekends here are pretty quiet, so bump up your message if needs be to get some more thoughts.

Again, sorry this is brief, but wishing you well and good luck from very hot and humid London.

Lisa

Thankyou Lisa! I have read SAA but I am still not as confident as I should be! It seems so new still. It's been 3 months and it feels like yesterday!

What do you mean bump it up???

Thanks - have a great weekend!

Cherie

Hey CNF! I have been married for almost 18 years and my W is seeing OM. In fact she is even bringing him around my children! And we have not even started anything legal! (Mediation day 6/13) She swore to everyone when we seperated she was not looking to get into a relationship anytime soon. And when confronted about the way she was acting around OM she said "we are just friends". That explains her spending the night over OM's house. But anyway, the only thing I can tell you is don't lose your self esteem or be a doormat for someone. If they love you it will be for who you are. I would be over joyed to see my W come to her senses and have my family back together but I know God works in his time not mine. Hope this helps.

cnf

Msg go to the top when replied too. so if yours falls to far then reply to your own thread and it will go back to the top. You can just say "bump please".

CNF - for you, I think you should read "Buyers, Renters and Freeloaders". It will help you understand your guy's mindset.

Thank you everyone for your help!

This weekend was very hard! He fianlly called about 6:45pm on friday evening - saying he just got "home" from work. Anyway I decided to let him come over and see Skylar. He cried the whole time but wouldn't let me comfort him. He said that he just missed her so much. (I wanted to say that's your fault you left... but didn't) Anyway we gave her a bath and I put her to bed and then we talked.

He told me that it was inevitable that Skylar would be around another woman that was just the natural progression of things. I told him that it wouldn't be anytime soon. I realized that I had done some things in our relationship that I should apologize for and so I did. He sat there like a rock - expressionless and shaking his head in agreement. I was crying and after a while I told him that I should just be quiet because obviously it didn't mean anything to him. He said that it wasn't that it didn't mean anything to him it was just that it wouldn't change anything.

I asked the dreaded question - Why? He promptly answered because he was in love with someone else. I was crushed. They (as far as I know) have only been together for less than 3 months. Anyway I told him that I didn't like her and never did and that the whole time he had known me I was rarely a bad judge of character. He said that he didn't think she was a bad person. Of course. It was about 10:15PM and I told him he had better leave because I wouldn't want to be the reason for him getting into trouble with his new chick. He assured me that he wouldn't be in trouble. Whatever!

Anyway he called on Sunday morning and said he called twice on Saturday to see Skylar and the line was busy. I told him that just because he left it didn't mean that I didn't have a life. He then asked what I was doing. I told him that I was cuddling with Skylar on the couch. He asked how Skylar did on Friday night (she has been waking up all hours of the night since he left - she had been sleeping through the night since she was two months old). I told him that she woke up four times and I finally had to put her in bed with me. He said Oh!

He finally asked if he could come over and I told him only if he could come in the next hour because we had plans later. That seemed to bug him - he questioned what we were doing and I told him it wasn't his business - so when he did come over he tried to bring it up in conversation so that he could find out - I still didn't tell him. He stayed about two hours until I put her down for a nap and stood at the door for him to leave. On his way out I told him that if he wanted to continue seeing her regularly I would appreciate him not wearing the things that she is buying him and her jewelry (weird I know). He agreed.

I don't know what to do. I also found out that she is closing on a house for them this week. They both are insane as far as I am concerned. So I decided to put our house on the market and seek employment in another state to get away from the whole mess. Custody hasn't been determined so now would be the time to do this - I think.

Anyway - any thoughts would be appreciated. Thanks a million.

Still looking for input!!! Please!