Wondering...any women out there who cannot leave their lover? Just trying to get some perspective on it. Am wondering if this is the case with my wife. See "Confronting the Lover?". Thanks

I myself was wondering about the same thing for any men who cannot leave their lovers...

Let's open up this post to all. Women who are hurting their Husbands, and men who are hurting their wives. We, the betrayed, need answers.

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Originally posted by tommy1414:
<strong>Wondering...any women out there who cannot leave their lover? Just trying to get some perspective on it. Am wondering if this is the case with my wife. See "Confronting the Lover?". Thanks</strong></font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Hm. Can you clarify your question a bit? Do you mean, why is it hard for some people to leave their lover? Or how hard is it? Or how do you do it? All the above? :-) I'd like to lend my perspective if I can, but I'm not certain what information you're looking for.

Yes, I guess what I am looking for is some insight why it is difficult for some women/men to leave their lover, when they know full well that if their intent is to restore their marriage, the lover cannot be a part of the picture.

hmmm,

welllll, simply because what a better life than to have ALLLLL needs met ALLLL at the same time?

NOT. Fantasy and we all know this.

Hmm.. anyone tried dieting? I wonder if you can relate taht to this? When you CANT have something YOU WANT it even more. When you CANT do something you want to do it MORE. I mean what better thing is there when you find a HUGE CHOCOLATE CAKE that you CAN EAT And NOT get fat.. hmmmm...

and simply becuase we cheaters are selfish, annoying, lying, story tellers that can beat steven king out of a job..

Even when i "left" my lover in March of 2000..i NEVER TRUELY got him out of my system til this year.. sad isnt it? Right now at the moment i cant even begin to tell you really WHY .. but if you have read this entire sight.. you surely can put two and two together <img border="0" title="" alt="[Frown]" src="images/icons/frown.gif" /> (not being a wise-guy (woman) either.

the PULL towards the lover is extremely strong. the strength of lust is stronger than 10 mules? i believe that is what i have heard.. and definetly have experienced.

What you are expecting from your "old" dependable spouse truley for now doesnt exsist. You are expecting reality decisions from a delusional person.. AINT gonna happen. When the fire burns out.. which it eventually does.. you just make sure you are there to Dr her/him up.

*sigh.
Promises31/ aka mercy

Q: Is this just the nature of attraction?
Dr. G. It has to do with the fact that people really want it all. Probably the only way to get it all is to be in more than one relationship at the same time. We have different parts of ourselves.
The other flip-flop in choice of affair partner reflects the fact that the marriage often represents a healing of our family wounds. Somebody who lacked a secure attachment figure in their family of origin chooses a mate who provides security and stability. It’s a healthy, resilient part of ourselves that seeks that balancing.
But after we’ve mastered that, we often want to go back and find somebody like that difficult parent and make that person love us. There is a correlation between the nature of the attachment figure and the affair partner; the person is trying to master incomplete business from childhood. As a result, some people will choose an affair partner who is difficult, temperamental, or unpredictable. Under those circumstances, the unfaithful partner is often caught in a triangle.

Q: What do you mean?
</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial"> </font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Dr. G. The person maintains the marriage, and can’t leave it, and maintains the affair, and can’t leave that either. Tension arises when either the affair partner or spouse applies pressure on them to get off the fence. The spouse gives them security and a sense of family. The affair partner provides excitement and passion. When the involved spouse says "I don’t know which person to be with," what they really want is to keep both.

http://www.smartmarriages.com/glass.html

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Originally posted by tommy1414:
<strong>Yes, I guess what I am looking for is some insight why it is difficult for some women/men to leave their lover, when they know full well that if their intent is to restore their marriage, the lover cannot be a part of the picture.</strong></font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Thankfully, my time like that was very short. I'm the type to linger in denial until a problem is much too much to ignore. Only then do I move decisively.

For the most part, I went through withdrawl *before* i broke it off with my lover. I realized that I would have a miserable life with this guy and it was a dead end.

But, for that short time I was wavering, here were my thoughts. Some of them might sting, and I'm sorry for that, but I'm trying to recall how I felt then to the best of my ability.

1.My husband says he wants me back and I see him making the changes I want him to make, but how do I know he's sincere and the changes are long-lasting?

2. What if I'm throwing away my last best chance at a happy life by getting rid of my lover (the I got to know him, the more ridiculous that question became)

3. Will it ever be possible to reconnect with my husband and feel close to him again?

4. I don't want to hurt my lover even though I don't want to be with him anymore.

During that time, my husband kept insisting that I would have to get rid of the "distraction" before we could reunite.

My first thought was to just not contact him without any explanation. I didn't talk to him for about a week even though he called a few times and sent email.

Finally, I realized I had to tell him something. I told him lover goodbye, but I did not tell him why and I did not tell him "no contact." I only told him that it wasn't working between us. I thought it would hurt him less if I didn't tell him I was leaving to return to my marriage.

That was a minor mistake because it let him think there was still hope. A few days later he messaged me and asked if I had reconsidered. When I honestly said no, he wanted to know why, and I told him the truth. His last words to me were a very sarcastic "good luck" and a promise that he'd never contact me again. I didn't argue with that, and we've both stuck to that arrangement.

Was it an easy thing to do? No, it hurt something fierce. He didn't take it well and it made me feel terrible. I had just dealt my husband an unimaginable blow only to turn around and do it to another person.

*sigh* Such are the consequences.

<small>[ June 04, 2003, 01:29 PM: Message edited by: wiegee ]</small>

Whoa! Thanks to those who have replied to this thread. I appreciate all of your honesty. Nothing really has stung too bad, as alot of what's been said, are things I have heard my wife say. "How do I know you are sincere" & I don't know if I can love you the same". ALso she is seeing a therepist who basically is lettting her make her own choice of : me, the lover, living on her own. Maybe this is a little biased to say, but isn't the job of the therapist to concentrate on the Marriage first? I have told her too about the "distractions", and how difficult/impossible it will be to rebuild with any distractions. Says she knows that. So leaving a lover is that difficult, huh? This is all so heavy & unbelievable. Thnaks again everbody, I'm still checking this thread and the other I posted about "confronting the lover", so I am very open to all insight.