I need some real advice. I found this website while researching information about emotional affairs. I know I am having one, but it seems to add to my marriage and my life and I wonder. That is what is so confusing. I know it is wrong on a moral level but it makes me so content and loved.

I have been married for 10 years. Both my husband and I work and we have two small children. I have never, ever, cheated before and looked down on those people who had. I was raised in a religious home and had a good upbringing.

About seven months ago I went to lunch with a co-worker. I have known him for several years, but we would not be considered friends. We talked about work at lunch. We started to go to lunch once a week and I found talking to him to be wonderful.

I know I crossed some kind of line when I didn't tell my husband that I was going to lunch with this man. I found the conversation to be so nice. Eventually I realized that I grew to like this man and he told me the same thing. He, too, is married.

We have not had sex, but we have kissed and done some sensual touching.

I love my husband, and have no desire at all to be divorced. But I also love this man. Is it possible to love two men? I find that the relationship with this man is very important to me. We talk on the phone each day and have lunch several times a week. He knows me so well.

Is that so wrong?

The articles I have read say that an emotional affair is damaging to the primary relationship. To me it seems that my friendship with the other man makes me feel happy and content. How can that be?

Somedays I feel so confused. I sometimes feel guilty at home, but not overwhelming gult. I want both relationships.

Am I crazy?

Hi Headspinning:

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial"><strong>
I need some real advice. I found this website while researching information about emotional affairs. I know I am having one, but it seems to add to my marriage and my life and I wonder.
</font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial"></strong>

What is it that you wonder? And exactly how is this adding to your marriage?

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial"><strong>
I know it is wrong on a moral level but it makes me so content and loved.
</font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial"></strong>

Yes, and herein is the nut of the problem (see below)

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial"><strong>
I love my husband, and have no desire at all to be divorced. But I also love this man. Is it possible to love two men?
</font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial"></strong>

If you really want to delve into that question, you can wander over to "Recovering" and look for the "Listen Up!" thread. There are a lot of conflicting ideas about whether one person can love two people, or whether someone having an affair is capable of loving their spouse at the same time.

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial"><strong>
I find that the relationship with this man is very important to me...

Is that so wrong?

The articles I have read say that an emotional affair is damaging to the primary relationship. To me it seems that my friendship with the other man makes me feel happy and content. How can that be?
</font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial"></strong>

OK. Back to the nut of the problem.

You hit the nail on the head when you said that being with this other man makes you happy and content. But the thing is, that's what your HUSBAND is supposed to be doing for you. And as long as you're going to someone else for fulfillment, your husband is blocked from filling that role in your life.

You are preventing your husband from filling his rightful role as the most important man in your life.

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial"><strong>
Somedays I feel so confused. I sometimes feel guilty at home, but not overwhelming gult. I want both relationships.

Am I crazy?
</strong></font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">No, you are not crazy, but you're probably not thinking very clearly, either. 'Round these parts, that's called "the fog."

Slowly but surely, you are reducing your husband's place in your life. The more you attach to this other man, the less space you have left for your husband. And the more you let yourself feel for the other man, the more likely it is for your relationship with him to evolve into a full-blown physical affair.

You do not want that. I know you do not want that. That's why you're here searching for answers. In fact, I'd bet that your post her was a scream for help -- you want someone to talk you out of this. Am I close to the truth?

Look. Your relationship with this other guy can have no happy ending. It's not possible. Someone is about to get hurt. More than likely, two or three people will be hurt. Maybe more. Stop it now before more damage is done.

You need to get to the root of the problem. Why isn't your husband fulfilling your emotional needs instead of this other guy? And how good of a job are you doing of meeting your husband's needs. Do you even know what they are?

The situation you are describing is basically what my Wife has told me immediately preceded her physical affair.

A attraction to a coworker is the most common way that affairs start.

You need to recognize that you are in a "fog" right now, one that dangerously clouds your vision and decision making capabilities. Sit back and think about it....

You say that he knows you so well... Is that really true? Think about it....

You need to stop this behavior immediately, and tell you husband about it immediately. You need to stop all contact with this man, and start working with your husband on meeting each others needs.

Read this site. Look at the posts from betrayed spouses, and the pain, anguish and grief they are going through. Read the posts from former wayward spouses, and the loss of trust they suffer with...

I wish you good thoughts and luck in making your choice.

<small>[ June 03, 2003, 12:52 AM: Message edited by: JakeB ]</small>

Hi headspinng,

I hope I can help because 20 years ago I was right where you are today. I did leave my wife for my OW and frankly it was the best thing I ever did. However I wish I had handled it better.

IMHO what you must do is talk to your EA partner and tell him where you are with this relationship. You must tell him also that it will go no further and indeed will stop unless both of you disengage yourselves from your present marriages.

I suggest you give each other 6 months to do this and in that time effectively have no contact (NC) with the EA partner. That will probably mean one of you at least changing jobs.

If your OM is not prepared to make this effort and leave his family honourably right there you have learnt something about him. If you are not then you have learnt something about yourself.

It is perfectly possible to love two people at once but it is is grossly unfair on both of them. To keep one or both of the lover's in the dark about the other is vile. Your husband will wish he had never lived when he discovers your betrayal.

I wish you luck please be honest with everyone.

All I can contribute here is to give you the perspective of the betrayed husband:
It's just awful. The world comes crashing down on you. It feels like the worst possible betrayal, by the person you expected it the least, the person you trusted the most. It feels like the death of a parent, a brother/sister or a child. It destroys self-esteem. For weeks the betrayed wont be able to eat and sleep properly.
Whatever you do, keep in mind that your actions will have an effect on your husband (like described above), whether you love him or not, whether you wish him ill or well, your actions with the other man will lead to it.

How would you feel if your husband was kissing and had sensual touching constantly with a woman he works with? Close your eyes and imagine your husband eventually finding out about your affair.
Imagine yourself divorced and single with two children or imagine yourself staying in your marriage and having your husband never looking at you the same away again and always in pain and in tears because of what you have inflicted on him.
Your world is on the verge of changing and will never be the same again. How would you feel if your husband came to you and said what is wrong about loving two women? You need to open your eyes. You have already cheated on your husband and you have lied to him through lies of omission.
When your husband eventually finds out will he be justified in finding someone else also? You, your husband and your marriage will never be the same.
Does your husband really deserve what you are doing to him?

I gave a lot of thought today about what I read on here. I don't believe I am betraying my husband. Having my friend has made my home life better. I am happier at home because I have this friend. Does this make sense? Is it wrong? Who is being hurt?

Although we have kissed and touched, this is not a sexual relationship in that sense of the word. Neither of us want to "go all the way."

We like to talk. I feel he knows me so well. He understands a part of me that no one else understands. Someone mentioned "fog" but I feel as if I am thinking more clearly than ever. Does that make sense?

I am a good person, a wife and mother. No one would ever even think of me being in a situation like this.

At first I was scared. This was so unlike me. But as time has passed, I feel as if I have found a true friend who knows me in many ways better than my husband.

Someone mentioned getting a divorce. I don't want a divorce at all. Neither does my friend. I love my husband and yet I love this friend in a different way. His friendship and caring for me fills a gap in my life and really makes my overall life so much better.

Neither of us are crazy type of people to do something foolish like pressuring the other to get a divorce or anything like that.

Am I fooling myself that this is all good? At times it seems strange to be living this kind of double life. But it is so good. Am I wrong to deny myself this happiness when it makes my home life so much better and that makes my husband happier because he doesn't feel this pressure to be everything to me.

I know it sounds like I am rationalizing. Perhaps I am. I am confused. I really feel this man is special. My husband is special too.

Thanks for listening.

I guess you can lead a horse to water, yadda yadda yadda. I don't think you're convinced you're totally above board either. You're still asking questions

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Originally posted by headspinng:
<strong>I gave a lot of thought today about what I read on here. I don't believe I am betraying my husband. Having my friend has made my home life better. I am happier at home because I have this friend. Does this make sense? Is it wrong? Who is being hurt?
</strong></font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Making your home life better? How. I believe it's making you happy, yes. But making you happy isn't the same thing as improving your home life. You're slowly but surely shuffling your husband into a smaller corner of your heart and devoting more attention to someone outside your home. How does this improve home life???

<strong> </font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">
Although we have kissed and touched, this is not a sexual relationship in that sense of the word. Neither of us want to "go all the way."
</strong></font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">And can you tell me what the definition of is is?

How would you like your husband kissing and touching another woman? Even if he didn't "go all the way?"

<strong> </font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">
Someone mentioned "fog" but I feel as if I am thinking more clearly than ever. Does that make sense?
</strong></font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Sure it does! Because that's how exactly how I felt right before I ripped my husband's still-beating heart out of his chest and danced the flamenco on top of it. Oh, but I was "happy."

<strong> </font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">
I am a good person, a wife and mother. No one would ever even think of me being in a situation like this.
</strong></font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">I don't doubt you are a good person, but you're a good person who is walking down a very dangerous path. And if you keep walking that direction, you'll be a good person who breaks the heart of her husband.

What will you say to your husband when he finds out what you've been doing. Chances are good he will find out, one way or another. Do you think your rationalizations will hold much water with him?

<strong> </font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">
At first I was scared. This was so unlike me. But as time has passed, I feel as if I have found a true friend who knows me in many ways better than my husband.
</strong></font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Maybe that's because you're not giving your husband a chance to know you. It's hard to know someone when they're busy kissing and "not quite" sexually touching someone else, isn't it?

<strong> </font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">
Am I fooling myself that this is all good?
</strong></font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Most likely.

<strong> </font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">
At times it seems strange to be living this kind of double life. But it is so good.
</strong></font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">To WHOM is it so good?

<strong> </font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">
Am I wrong to deny myself this happiness when it makes my home life so much better and that makes my husband happier because he doesn't feel this pressure to be everything to me.
</strong></font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Good lord, woman, you need to be home to have a home life.

You want a true story?

My husband and I drifed apart. He had sexual performance problems. He suggested I have a lover on the side. "Takes the pressure off me," he said. And so, I did.

The agreement was that he would be just sex and that my husband would be the emotional core of my life. That worked well for a few days.

Do you really think you can compartmentalize your life into neat and tidy packages? Do you think you can go on falling in love with this man, kiss and fondle him and not eventually fall into a bed together? Get real!

Yep, my husband didn't have pressure on him. And it wasn't long at all before I thought that maybe I wanted to be with my lover full time instead.

Do you know what it's like to see your husband fall to the floor crying because you've just torn his heart in two? Do you know what it's like to watch him crying as he carries his belongings out the door?

Do you want to know? You may well know soon.

Yeah, it took the pressure off him. And you can see the "wonders" it did for my home life.

I'm damned lucky I pulled my head out of my [censored] in time. I'm blessed that my husband gave me a second chance. I hardly deserved it.

<strong> </font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">
I know it sounds like I am rationalizing.
</strong></font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Yes. Because you are.

<strong> </font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">
I really feel this man is special. My husband is special too.
</strong></font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">I don't doubt the other man is special. Everyone is in some way. But your husband is special, too. And not only that, he's your husband. Doesn't that count for anything?

<strong> </font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">
Thanks for listening.
</strong></font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">I really hope you do the same.

<small>[ June 03, 2003, 10:18 PM: Message edited by: wiegee ]</small>

Dear Headspinning,

I am a bereaved husband. My wife's affair started the same as yours is. You are in an affair now, both physical and emotional. I can tell you from experiance that he will find out and you may just get the divorce that you do not want.

I will not re-hash what the posters above me have said. I agree wholeheartedly with them. You should re-read their posts. You are setting yourself up for disaster. This will in all probabilty start to spiral out of control. You are on a slippery slope. Your thoughts will be you new "friend" more and more and will detract from your husband. He will feel it.

I am not judging you. I have never had an affair and do not think I ever will, especially knowing what it does to the other people involved. For me the emotional part was worse than the physical. I have never before felt the emotions that I have felt the last few months. You do not percieve it as a big deal. You should. In fact I think you are starting to maybe see a little clearer as you have come to this site for advise. Take it. Try to find out what you are missing with your husband and work on those aspects. Get the other guy out of your life. He is married anyway, and as you said has no intentions of leaving his marriage. Where is your affair going to end up?

You are going to hurt many people if you continue on this track. An affair cannot help a marriage. You may be happy today, but that will come crashing down on you. Keep reading this site and try to learn from other's experiances.

I am afraid you are in a deep fog already.
First, you say this is not a sexual realtionship at all and have no plans to go all the way. Would you have any problems having your husband do the exact same thing with a close female friend.
Second, if everything is above board (you said you are kissing) then why not inform your husband everytime you meet him? The fact that you do not indicates through lies of omission that you are keeping secrets and in fact cheating on your husband.
Thirdly, you said you have no intention of getting a divorce. Who says only you have this choice? If and when your husband finds out what makes you think he will not wish to leave?
Your are sharing intimate thoughts, feelings and kissing with another man. This is what we call an affair. Again I ask you does your husband deserve this? You will become more and more dependent on the OM and eventually your marriage will suffer.
In short, will you be honest with your husband now or do the words honesty and integrity no longer apply to your marriage. What goes around comes around. Congratulations you are becoming another statistic and just don't be sure your marriage will last when your husband finds out.
Please tell me what you think your husband will feel like when he finds you out you have been sharing intimate feelings, thoughts and kisses with another man. I am sure he will feel very proud of his wife who has shown such great respect for him and your marriage. When your children grow up would you want them to act the way you are acting toward your husband?

In my soul I know that you are all correct. If I look at it logically, this is a place I never thought I would be, nor would I be.

I would not call my marraige a poor one, and our sex life is wonderful. There was this connection with my friend that touched me very deeply. He listens to me in a way that my husband does not and he understands a part of me that I others have not.

That is what drives me crazy, and makes me wonder what to do. I know I am selfish when I say that both men are important to me and my life. I would never divorce my husband because I love him. But if I had to give up my friendship with this other man, I would feel tremendous loss and pain.

Is that the fog of which you speak?

I think I thinking clearly, not running around like a tramp or a high school girl. There is a connection at the intellectual and emotional level. The physcial, while we have kissed, is but a small, small part and not the most important element of this friendship.

The crazy thing is that my home life is excellent precisly because of the friendship. Little things that used to bother me about my husband no longer trouble me. That relieves pressure on him to be all things.

That makes my home life smoother and more fulfilling.

Do those feelings finally die ou? Is that when one comes out of the fog?

Hi again, I'm glad you keep coming back

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Originally posted by headspinng:
<strong>In my soul I know that you are all correct. </strong></font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Good! Your soul is, at this point, SCREAMING at you to do the right thing. You are, I think, in the fog. But you can still hear. Listen closely to what your soul is telling you. When has it ever led you astray?

<strong> </font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">
I would not call my marraige a poor one, and our sex life is wonderful. There was this connection with my friend that touched me very deeply. He listens to me in a way that my husband does not and he understands a part of me that I others have not.
</strong></font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">OK, I hear what you're saying. Ideally, it would be your husband understanding you in that way and touching you deeply. Did it ever used to be that way with you? Does he know that you don't feel that way with him (anymore)? Do you think he feels that connection with you?

I wish I had some great words of advice here about how to make that happen, but I'm still figuring that out for myself.

Suggestions, anyone?

<strong> </font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">
I would never divorce my husband because I love him. But if I had to give up my friendship with this other man, I would feel tremendous loss and pain.

Is that the fog of which you speak?
</strong></font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">The fog is thinking you can have it both ways and everyone will be fine. The fog is thinking that your good feelings about this relationship makes this sort of involvement moral. The fog is thinking that something like this could actually improve your marriage.

<strong> </font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">
I think I thinking clearly, not running around like a tramp or a high school girl. There is a connection at the intellectual and emotional level. The physcial, while we have kissed, is but a small, small part and not the most important element of this friendship.
</strong></font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">I'm not calling you a slut; far be it from me to do that. But I don't think you're being at all level-headed. Saying that there's only a little bit of a physical relationship is like a 16-year-old saying she's only a little bit pregnant. It is or it isn't. You are or you aren't.

<strong> </font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">
The crazy thing is that my home life is excellent precisly because of the friendship. Little things that used to bother me about my husband no longer trouble me. That relieves pressure on him to be all things.
</strong></font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Now that is fog.

Your homelife is "excellent" because you don't care about it as much anymore. You can tolerate a lot when you cease to care.

You aren't bothered by your husband because you don't care about him as much anymore.

Darling, this is NOT a good thing. It's detachment, and it only leads to hurt.

<strong> </font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">
That makes my home life smoother and more fulfilling.
</strong></font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">It makes your home more quiet, maybe. Like a grave.

<strong> </font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">
Do those feelings finally die ou? Is that when one comes out of the fog?
</strong></font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">You're out of the fog when you realize what a stupid and thoughtless and selfish mistake you've made and you commit yourself to repairing (or at least trying to repair) the damage.

Thank you last poster. Your answers are helping.

I believe my husband is very content with the way things are. My friend has made me realize there is a gap in my marriage that has everything to do with communication and understand me in the way that he does.

My husband loves me, but he does not see this deep within me. It is not something I hide, and I was not even aware of it until my friend brought it out.

That said, I would never, ever divorce my husband. I truly do love him and I know he loves me.

You raised the issue that perhaps I am feeling good at home because I am detached. I have given some thought to that. I am very active as a mother and a wife. Nothing is different at all in many, many ways. We still have fun as a family, very close. But I do have this secret friend. At first it scared me and made me feel so bad about myself. But then I realized that it is very important to me.

That is what is so confusing. I am acting like the type of woman I never thought I would be. But it does not trouble me as much as I though it would because it does not feel bad. It makes me feel more complete. Not that I am going to run away with this man or do anything foolish. It is a very deep friendship with emotional components. There has been physical, but only twice and that has not happened for months.

FOr the most part it is just lunches and talking

If he is "just" a lunch buddy, why not invite him over for dinner? Let your husband get to know him, too. Why hog a "special" person all to yourself.

Does that idea sit well with you? Or do you want to keep it secret.

And if you want to keep it secret, WHY? What does that tell you?

That said, I would never, ever divorce my husband

err what would you say if I told you.. your husband may divorce you for adultery when it all comes out.

he has a right to know his wife is being unfaithful... so does the other mans wife. They have a right to make their own choices too ya know.

Dino.

"I truly do love him and I know he loves me."

What you are doing with this so-called friend shows disrespect for your marriage. Love is not just a word. Love is defined by actions. Meeting your boyfriend and discussing your innermost thoughts and feeling each other up does not show true love for your spouse. It shows the opposite. By your actions as a married woman you dishonour yourself, you dishonour your husband and you dishonour your children. Stop this affair before it destroys your marriage.

how would you feel if all of a sudden this all
came out in the open.

perhaps his wife already knows, what can you do if she decides to go to your husband with proof
of what is going on between both of you.

then lets say the om decides he is going to be with his wife tells you to go away.

then your husband does not want to be with you.
what if all this time he has also had someone on the side and has known about this all along.
you and this man.

wouldn't that be something. then you have no one,
then what will you do?
it can happen.

I have heard crazy stories here that sound like someone made them up..but they were true.
so why don't you go home to your husband and watch your p's and q's and be honest with yourself about yourself.

you have lost your values. you need to find them again.
I forget if you mentioned children, but if there are children you are neglecting them.

I sure would not want you nor the man for a friend, you don't have the qualifications for a friend of mine. I am choosey, I like people I can trust.

God help you! you are falling headlong into a pit of destruction, and taking others along with you.

what are you? what would you label yourself?

I do see you as evil, you are destroying others along with your marriage anothers is being destroyed too.

soon you will go further sexually with this man.
perhaps it is really he who you have sex with when you are with your husband. fantasize.
you have problems, you just won't admit them to yourself.

Get real with yourself! how can you look at your husband, I bet you cannot do eye contact with him,
also I bet you avoid him as much as you possibly can.Can you even look yourself in the eyes when you look in the mirror?

you are in for a rude awakening soon. let us know when you do get caught. then we will tell you.
we warned you..stop it now.. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Mad]" src="images/icons/mad.gif" />
how can this be made right?
how can you fix this mess? <img border="0" title="" alt="[Embarrassed]" src="images/icons/blush.gif" />

i agree with everything above. you are having an A now! read the postings on this site and see where you are heading. if you dont want a divorce you and your husband are heading for an awful time. if you decide you do want a divorce leave your husband soon. the lies perpetuate and get worse. you will soon be lying out of habit and wont even be able to admit it to yourself. all unfaithful partners seem to develop an amazing capactiy to justify the affair to themselves and others. you are living a lie and so is your husband but he wont know for a while. you are getting lots of positive things form this om when your husband find out he will get an equal and opposite negative effect in one short moment and things will never be the same in your life and you will lose control to the A. for god's sake if you have any feelings for your h stop now or leave him.

Oh honey,
So much hurt in store for you and your husband...the very best thing you can do for yourself is to be gently, COMPLETELY honest him, both about this other relationship and about what needs you feel that he is not meeting, the state of your marriage.

You need to look deeper within yourself, to allow your husband the opportunity to be to you what the other man is!! I am telling you it is likely that your husband is feeling the distance also--there are usually 2 unhappy people in every affair-burdened marriage. The other partner may not act out in an affair, but that may be due to lack of opportunity, strong feelings of loyalty, strong morality, or a sad,resigned acceptance of poor quality love.

Your husband CAN fill those same needs the lover does--it has happened to my husband and me!!! The shock of his affair was a wake-up call for both of us. We have changed and we are one another's dream partner now.

If your husband knew the extent of your discontent, and the extremes you are willing to go to get relief from someone else, he would plead for a chance to change and meet your needs.

Please don't continue down this road to disaster. You think you will escape painful consequences and that you can control it, but you are not really in control. That is an illusion that will be shortlived.

My husband thought he could keep his life with his "friend" a secret. They progressed from co-worker friendship to having sex "just once to see what it is like, but never again" to having sexual encounters over the course of a summer and fall.
When I eventually found out, I WAS BURNED TO THE GROUND. Your husband will be too if he has ever felt your love, and trusted you with his heart. The depth of his despair will rock YOUR world. You will never be the same, and of course you will destroy his trust in you,love, marriage, women, etc etc.
The devil never lets you play with his toys without making you pay in the end. Never. He will delight in the torment you are now storing up for yourself and your "loved" ones. I pray that you will realize your error before it is too late. Be careful dear.

<small>[ November 28, 2003, 09:27 AM: Message edited by: want2shine ]</small>

Last month I found out my husband had multiple affairs over the last 5 years. Most of them did not include sexual intercourse. They all hurt the same. Some spouses are hurt more by the emotional attachment of the affair than by the physical/sex. I agree with the previous posts, and will not repeat them. I recommend an excellent book called Not Just Friends by Dr. Shirley Glass; you and your lunch partner are not just friends. The book goes into much depth about this. Now that my husband's affair is out in the open, he has been able to tell me about the emotional needs that I had not been meeting, and I now am able to meet them. He too thought his affairs made him happy and therefore were good for the marriage. Now he sees how wrong he was. After all that time, he was and is relieved to no longer be leading a double life. One thing that really helped was taking the emotional needs questionnaire together (from this website) and finding ways to make each other happy--because we never knew the other wasn't happy. Maybe your husband isn't having his needs met either but isn't telling you, just like you're not telling him. Bottom line is you are hurting, not helping, your marriage. Good luck to you.