AG-

Can you go back to that person that's been coaching you and ask his views? Personally, I think his A was a direct consequence to his addiction.

What you describe about your experience sends red flags up for me. It sounds like you might need to seek professional help to dig there. It's hard to say what he was thinking and feeling then. Only he really knows.

At the time, did you feel like he was supportive and loving? Did you feel safe and protected? One thing I recommend is not to paint the past over based on fear. Keep questioning until the answers feel "right"in your heart. Yes "R" meant relationship.

I need to sit on this a while and see what feels right. I will get back to it.

Kily,
I don't understand why those sites would not be illegal!!! At the time, we were fighting a little more, he was distant, but he was NEVER in ANY way forceful with me when it came to sex. Never, as long as I knew him. He was the opposite actually. But it scares me that he would even look at that stuff. I don't know whether to confront him with it or not. I asked the person who has been coaching me and he doesnt think pornography is an addiction, but rather a bad habit or sin. Why is it that sometimes you find someone who can help you greatly in one area, but then they suck at another? I hadn't told him about the rape sites so I will to see what he says.
I do have the hee bee gee bees about it all though. Very unsettled.

It does sound like you could use some professional counseling.

Yes, "Affair of the Mind" is a Christian perspective. If that really turns you off, the book might not help you. But it is the first-hand perspective of a wife who went through this, and that was useful.

I don't buy all this co-addiction stuff, as I mentioned. However, a typical reaction to the pornography stuff is to take it personally, to try to "compete" with the hookers for sexual attention, etc., and to become obsessed with the problem. Looking back, I think that's what was the worst: the way his problem ate up my whole life, so I no longer felt I could go to the store without another internet betrayal. Watch out on that one -- it's pernicious. Don't let this stuff eat your life.

Yes, "Affair of the Mind" is a Christian perspective. If that really turns you off, the book might not help you. But it is the first-hand perspective of a wife who went through this, and that was useful.

No I would like the Christian perspective. Thanks.
And as far as co-addictive, I don't feel that I have enabled him with this, because I haven't known about this. It was his secret completely. What bothers me the most- I think I am most obsessed with, IS that it was NEVER about me. I hate that, because if it was never about me, then it means I can't fix it.

I have an awful question to ask you.
there was movie about a women whose own boyfriend raped her she didn't know it was him and later realized it was him..

did you see the man who raped you?

you said you were sleeping.
so could of it been him? have you ever thought that? no dna was left behind.

I dunno just sorta thinking about all the porno and the affair and you..rape..

I was raped also but it was date raped when I was 16 he threw me in a bunch of shrubs where no one could see..and told me be quiet..all I remember was soooo much pain..feeling so dirty having to take a bus then a subway then another bus and I was soo dirty and hurt I could hardly walk..I wanted to kill him I never told anyone till a couple years ago....I was sad for along time and he actually had the nerve to call me again.
I felt like a slut. and had no way for someone to tell me I wasn't..we didn't talk about that stuff in them days..when I got home I lived near a park..
lied to my mom told her I was laying in the grass up there..she just glanced at me cause she was cutting radishes..I hate radishes..lol I wonder if he thinks about it..ever taking my chastity away from me. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Eek!]" src="images/icons/shocked.gif" />
well enough remenising about me..

Sadeyes!!
You sound so hurt and like you have been through so much trauma. Are you talking to someone about all this- like a professional counselor? Some of your posts today have me really concerned for you. Thanks for your concern, but yes, I saw the person who sexually assaulted me. I say sexual assault because I know he was doing things I did not want him to be doing, but I was sleeping and I don't know what all happened. He was a friend of mine, I dated his old college roommate, I was stupidly staying at his house, I didn't think about my safety and I do not know for sure, but he gave me a drink and I remember not wanting to drink it but he wanted me too, and I drank some of it but then I fell asleep. Either I was extremely tired or something was in that drink, because I do not just pass out after one drink- or 1/2 a drink for that matter. So that is what happened. It is a little frustrating because I wish I knew exactly what happened so that I would not make it sound worse- or better- than it really was. I do know he was scared that I was going to tell someone about the bruises between my thighs, or the carpet burns, etc and that makes me realize he knew he did something wrong.EDITED TO SAY: SadEyes, you were NOT a slut. What happened to you was totally against your will- don't ever call yourself that name again- you hear me!!

<small>[ June 10, 2003, 11:49 PM: Message edited by: adgirl48 ]</small>

ohhh I am ok I am just facing some old demons..is all.oh yes I am on antid paxil and lots of goodies for my heart..I just had to tell someone I love I am not a canidate for a heart transplant and they got mad at me..shish...not my fault.
I go to the doctors once a week sometimes skipping a week..and also a therapist yup am sick of doctors.. thanks for caring.
something triggered me and am not sure what.shrug.

Keep on keeping on

SadEyes, I am sorry if something in my post caused you to have triggers. I hope you are ok.

Adgirl,

I know exactly what you mean by: if it isn't about me, then I can't fix it.

The pornography and the affair weren't about me, weren't about our marriage -- they were patterns that existed in him long before I came on the scene.

The helplessness of it not being about you and therefore not much you can do is something you will just have to accept. I would focus on some area of your life you CAN do something about to avoid going crazy -- your kids, friends, whatever. At some point, the fact that it wasn't about you will be a relief, but not initially.

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Originally posted by A.M.Martin:
<strong>Adgirl,

I know exactly what you mean by: if it isn't about me, then I can't fix it.

The pornography and the affair weren't about me, weren't about our marriage -- they were patterns that existed in him long before I came on the scene.

The helplessness of it not being about you and therefore not much you can do is something you will just have to accept. I would focus on some area of your life you CAN do something about to avoid going crazy -- your kids, friends, whatever. At some point, the fact that it wasn't about you will be a relief, but not initially.</strong></font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">I know you are right, but it still sucks for now.

Indeed.