At the end of March I went on a business trip for three days. Came home all was fine till I started to notice things that just were not right. Look further found enough evidence to say that there was someone here while I was gone. Of course, I got some half truths from the wife but mostly lies. I confronted the man and he lied too, very well in fact. Sent me e-mails trying to explain there was nothing. Even came to my house one night insisting to talk to me so that I would understand there was nothing. Even though I knew things were not right, I guess I was in denial and wanted to accept this as truth. He even arranged that I speak to his wife. She was 7 months pregnant.

Anyway, this went on for three weeks. My wife works with him so they still saw each other daily. She worked late many nights during that time. I went into investigative mode. Spent over $1500 on spy equipement (phone tap, voice recorder, and computer spy software).

I was at a trade show one Saturday and returned home to find a 4 hour phone conversation between the two of them. This laid out the whole time line and details. The emotional affair started three weeks before I got suspicious. The physical happened while I was out of town, and the emotional continued with some kissing at the same time he and she were trying to convince me there was nothing. The tape showed that my wife wanted it over, but that he was pushing like heck to keep it going. He was even using me to illustrate how he was trying to save our marriage by meeting me and talking to me. That he was risking his life for her. He is about 5'8" and I am 6'3" with boxing experiance. The tape gave me painful details but because she was trying to do the right thing, also gave me enough hope to try to save our marriage.

I would like nothing more than to put his man in the hospital, but I will not. I know that is not the answer. I did however get him fired from his job. Even after all this he persisted in sending love e-mails to my wife to her office. As she promissed, she sent me all his e-mails. After a week of this, she sent him an e-mail telling him that she was forwarding them to me and to stop and to take care of his family. He responded with a bitter e-mail back that she was taking my side and how could she do such a thing ( can you imagine a wife taking her husband's side ).

Here is my dilema: Should I tell his wife? I have not because she is pregant and due to have the baby in a couple of weeks. I do not want to hurt her or her baby. I however plan to call her in about two months to give her the option of knowing the truth. Not just send the tape, but give her the option of knowing. Is this wrong? I feel that I am the only one that knows the truth and is willing to give it to her. I believe in truth. I feel like I am holding the key. She has enough info to have serious suspictions, but she does not know.

My wife and I are working on us. She is doing all she can, and so am I. We have had a great nine years, and plan to go the distance. Our communication is wide open and we are enjoying eachother's company and doing much together. We always have. She insists it had nothing to do with me, but I know areas where I could improve and am doing so.

Do I want to tell her for revenge. Yes, a little, but I truly believe she has the right to know. I would want the spouse to tell me. From what I hear she sounds like a very kind lady. A school teacher, in the church choir, I spoke to her once and it just bothers me that she has the wool pulled over her eyes, and just not right.

I have said from D-Day that I would tell his wife after she has recovered from the baby. My wife is against it, but I would be to if I were her.

My wife cries almost every night still in remorse and guilt. She knows how much it has hurt me, them and maybe the unborn baby.

Should I give the his wife the option of knowing? Will I be doing more harm for her than good?

Thank you.

PS I am new here, but have read a great many posts. There are alot of brave souls here, whether they realize it or not.

<small>[ June 03, 2003, 10:13 PM: Message edited by: bill0021 ]</small>

Harley says tell. I agree. She deserves to know. They will have the best chance of recovery if she hears it from him, so tell him you are going to tell her by xx date and he can tell her beforehand if he has any cahones (which I doubt) or if he just wants his marriage to survive.

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Originally posted by bill0021:
<strong>

Should I give the his wife the option of knowing? Will I be doing more harm for her than good?

Thank you.

PS I am new here, but have read a great many posts. There are alot of brave souls here, whether they realize it or not.</strong></font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Absolutely, you should tell her. The truth will not hurt her, the affair has hurt her. She just doesn't know yet.Truth is the only answer to infidelity, not more lies. Information about her marriage and to whom she is married is being wrongly withheld from her.

She has a right to know WHO she is married to and what he is capable of doing so she can take steps to protect herself and her children. If he has done this once, and is still lying about it, he will probably do it again. Except next time it might be with someone who will give him a sexually transmitted disease and take his money. Please do the compassionate thing and tell her the truth.

P.S. I would not tell the OM that you are going to tell her. He will only get to her beforehand and set up the story [with you being the bad guy] to his advantage and to the disadvantage of the truth. Or he will do things to prevent you from telling her.

The bottom line is that she needs to know the truth and she is not likely to get it from a liar who is only out to protect himself. Trying to force him to bust himself is not only unrealistic, but serves no purpose whatsoever.

Thank you.

Yes, I agree she should have at the very least a chance to know the truth. Whereas, I did initially think the best thing to do was to give him a chance to come clean, in reality I already did, as I have told him after the baby, I would. So I agree that I will just call her and ask her if she would like to know what happened.

Unfortunately, at this point I think she may think I am some kind of psycho with the information that he has given her. I think she may even think that I beat my wife, as she offered for her to stay at their house after I found out. She of course did (does) not know what I knew. My wife called their house in a panic on D-Day as she thought I might go there to take my revenge on him. I went for a drive to cool down. I would have liked to do that, but I know it is just not worth it, as I will have the problems later. In fact, I am a volunteer cruelty investigator with The Local Humane Society, so no I do not beat my wife.

The point is I do not know if she will talk to me or not. I could just send her a copy of the 4 hour phone conversation that was taped. All the truth and info is there. To hear someone tell you compasionately what took place is one thing, but the tape is quite graphic in nature in terms of his emotions and pushy unrelenting sales pitch to get my wife back. Whereas I think she should know, I would like to break it to her gently. The tape would be like dropping a ton of bricks on her head. I do not give a **** about him, but she is innocent.

So then my next question would be: If she does not want to talk to me as she may probably think I am some kind of paranoid psycho, should I just send the tape? Is that too cruel? He will do this again and it is suspected that he may have already with someone else at his old job. This guy is slick.

keep the full tape, edit enough to make it clear (but less traumatic all at once) send that, ask her if she wants the full version....she will. And you are to be commended for doing the right thing, if everyone told about every affair they had knowledge of, world would be a much better place, all you can do is your part.

<small>[ June 03, 2003, 11:08 PM: Message edited by: sufdb ]</small>

By all means tell her. If it were me (and I were a man <img border="0" title="" alt="[Big Grin]" src="images/icons/grin.gif" /> )I would OMW meet me for coffee, give her the low down and the tape. Then I would wait for W to come home, and tell her what I know and let HER listen to the tape also. Be sure and make copies of this tape for yourself and keep the original somewhere outside of the house, like at your office in a locked file cabinet or desk drawer, or have a close friend (preferably one who's not mutual and won't feel pressured). And DO NOT reveal how you taped the conversation or that you have spy electronics. My husband still cannot figure out how I would catch him online, lol.
Fee-Fee

well I do think the wife needs to know.

I think another thing is you need to alert where he works.
he and your wife work together? it would cost him his job.

If you went to management they would know, all other employees wouldn't know..but then your wife would be safe at work while there.

yes by all means it is important to bring this out in the open, he seems to be real persistant and I think your wife is afraid of him, if you ask her I bet she will say yes. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Eek!]" src="images/icons/shocked.gif" />

I hope things work out for you and your wife.
you must really love her to do all this to keep her in your life..
<img border="0" title="" alt="[Big Grin]" src="images/icons/grin.gif" />
God bless you and keep you both safe.
I also pray for the other lady that her and her baby will have good health and she has an easy
birth.

take care and keep on keeping on. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Wink]" src="images/icons/wink.gif" />

whoops I just reread your post and you did
get him fired!!!
<img border="0" title="" alt="[Wink]" src="images/icons/wink.gif" />
Good for you.

others can take lessons from you maybe you can hire yourself out to investigate or rent your equipment out!
<img border="0" title="" alt="[Big Grin]" src="images/icons/grin.gif" />
I think you know how to handle this.
you have done a great job so far.
keep up the good work.

hope you don't have problems in the future.
take care and Happy Marriage! <img border="0" title="" alt="[Eek!]" src="images/icons/shocked.gif" />

can i differ with some of the above adivce? don't tell yet if your wife doesn't want you to. it might push her away from you when she seems to be coming back. people finding out about my wife's affair has problably cost me my marriage and she hates me for this. you will also be playing your best card too early when you don't have to. save it for later. your wife seems to be on your side now. my wife has always protected her a and the om from d day refusing to tell me who he was etc etc etc. your wife is now putting up barriers between her marriage and the om dont jeapordise this. giving you his e mails is a great sign. she has broken the om's trust in her and him pressurising her is bound to push her back to you. you are on to a winner gosh i wish i was in your position. dont tell yet.

dear bill-i am all for telling. i didnt and it is a regret i will live with for the rest of my life.

do tell-just wait until the pregnancy is over. please do not put that innocent baby in jeopardy, it is gonna have enough problems in the long run with a dad like him. telling now, while pregnant is possibly dangerous- to both of them. we have a lot of bs's on here that were pregnant when they found out-hopefully they will answer you better.

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Originally posted by bill0021:
<strong>

So then my next question would be: If she does not want to talk to me as she may probably think I am some kind of paranoid psycho, should I just send the tape? Is that too cruel? He will do this again and it is suspected that he may have already with someone else at his old job. This guy is slick.</strong></font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Bill, this is the very reason that you should never depend on the OP to spill the beans. All he did was paint you as a nut to ensure that any attempt to get the truth to her would fail. It goes with the territory.

I would not call her and ask her if she wants to know the truth. Call her and TELL HER that you have a tape recording of a romantic conversation that professes a sexual encounter. Tell her you feel a moral obligation to share it with her since it involves HER LIFE. Would she be interested in hearing it?

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Is that too cruel? </font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Cruelty is having an affair. Cruelty is watching it happen and standing by doing nothing to help the victim. Cruelty is NOT warning the victim that they are being harmed.

<small>[ June 04, 2003, 07:12 AM: Message edited by: MelodyLane ]</small>

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Originally posted by empc:
<strong>can i differ with some of the above adivce? don't tell yet if your wife doesn't want you to. it might push her away from you when she seems to be coming back. .</strong></font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">empc, there is no WS in the world who would want to be busted to the OP's spouse. Asking the WS would only tip off the OM to warn his spouse that "some nut" is going to contact her and tell her lies. Then the victim never knows the truth and her husband continues to destroy her behind her back.

The bottom line is that nothing will stop a WS who wants to stay and repair the marriage, and that excuse sure doesn't absolve one's moral obligation to warn someone they are being destroyed behind thier back.

I say tell...

The question perhaps shouldn't so much whether the W has a right to know. Or even if you should fill that responsibility if OM will not.

But the biggest question in my mind is how to tell her considering the timing of the birth. And then second, how do you intiate contact and the sharing of info. That to me is the part that would kill my brain cells. Like someone mentioned, hopefully some pregnant BS's can share their experiences and preferences.

Rather than worry about stuff that may not happen you probably don't need to work out a whole contingency plan for "what if she doesn't want to talk". Just something simple to leave the door open for future opportunities. You can most likely come up with one even after something like that would happen - unlike something like a bank job. It may also help your mindset to plan as if she will be curious about her marriage - plan with the goal in mind. And figuring out some ways to pique people's natural curiosity may help your chances of avoiding a contingency plan.

There is no way we could have had a good marriage if I hadn't known.

<small>[ June 06, 2003, 07:53 AM: Message edited by: broken heart and arm ]</small>

I thank you all so much for taking the time to respond to me. It seems that every one is telling me to break the silence.

"EST" brought up a very good point, the baby. This is my biggest problem. Do I let them live a lie and maybe they will be happy? Am I being overzealous in telling her? I know I am asking the same questions here. I feel in my heart that telling her is the best thing to do. Afterwhich she has the chance to decide what is right for her and work at their marriage and create a more open relationship between them using some of the principles of Dr. Harley.

I told my wife of my intentions, she is not happy about it. I think she understands a little, but her general overall impression is that I want this for revenge. Yes, I have said it before, it is a factor, but I can say from my heart and soul that it is a small one. My motivating reason is to give her a chance. She must have suspitions, and I think that is more damaging then the truth. It was for me.

Don't get me wrong, this is very painful for me. I trusted my WS 110%. I guess I am in the same boat as most here. I feel like I was spit on, trampled on, I did not matter, all by the person that I love and cherish the most. By the person that would never hurt me. The images of the PA haunt me which took place in our home, so there are lots of triggers for me here. I have to get past the fact that even after I confronted her, it did not end. I would go and pick her up at work as she had to "work" late. They were kissing and touching, telling eachother that they could not wait till tomorrow when they would see eachother again while I waited in the car just feet away. I have never felt such pain, never.

I just want to get on with it. The WS is trying. I am trying. She made a mistake. A big painful mistake, but a mistake. It happened and there is nothing anyone can do about the past, only the present and the future. I love her, she loves me. I am suspicious, but feel that I have come a long way in building back trust for her. Still aways to go, but on the right track. I have given her all my spy equipement. A decision for which I sometimes regret, but one which I am happy I made. She too has to feel at home and not being watched all the time. I think that is important. Basically if she starts an A again, I am pretty sure I will find out at one point and for me that would be the end. In fact, I will not put up with ANY lies in the future. I know I could not recover from such a thing.

I have forbidden her from doing only one thing and that is for the om to come to our house. The rest is up to her. If she has to talk to him or if he contacts her, I expect to be told. I fully realize that they should not and that it is not healthy, but I need the truth more then anything else. She is very aware of what my needs are and if she does not want to fulfill them by being honest and staying away from him, then that is her choice. I too have choices, and I will not and refuse to look over my shoulder every day. That is no way to live a life, and I will not live that kind of life. I am forgiving and I forgave her, and am working on us. If one day she decides that she needs more, then at this point, she can fulfill her needs elsewhere. I can only do my best, and if that is not good enough then so be it.

I say again, I will not and refuse to live in that manner.

That being said, I will do what I can to improve us. I love her dearly. She is by far the most important thing in my life. I also know that by wanting to tell the OM wife, I put a cloud on our relationship. He will call her at that point. He may even get aggresive towards me. As Clint Eastwood once said, "make my day". That may not be a good thing to think, but it is what I think. It is honest. Unfortunately I must wait and that cloud cannot disapate until it is done.

As for getting the oppurtunity to tell her, and how, and what to say. I will try to be compasonate. I will refer her to this site. Maybe even buy her some books on the subject. As I understand it, she has a caring family and support network to fall back on. I truly feel for this woman and that is why I feel I must tell her or at least give her the chance to know.

Maybe she does know everything, and if that is the case then maybe I will just reaffirm that she knows the truth and she can then erase other scenes from her mind which could be worse than what it was. I am pretty sure this is not the case, but I can not say for sure.

As she thinks I may be a psycho, I think I will take the advise of "sufdb" make a short edited version of the 4 hours tape that shows that I am not a nut case and was warranted in my quest for the truth. Leave out the really bad stuff, but just enough to get her curiosity rolling. If at that point she does not want to know. Then so be it. I had done what I could.

Sorry I know this was a bit of a ramble.

If someone else would like to add something, please do, I am still not 100% sure if I am doing the right thing or not.

Thank you again and I wish you all happiness!!!!!

I would wait a while, but YES tell her. If you need to, do it anonymously. Our counselor told us that God hates adultery so much, he would want us to do what we could to stop it. She deserves to know, and needs to be tested for stds. The scary thing is some of them can cause harm to a baby, including blindness. Now I'm wondering if she should be told before the birth? What a dilemna.

good luck, I wish you peace and healing

I recommend you tell. This woman has the right to make informed decisions about her life.

I understand your dilemma but think about this...many std's can be passed to a baby during the birthing process. Should this child have to start his/her first days in the world being treated for an std? I'd find out first if her health and the baby's health are good...can they handle the stress at this point? Then make your decision based on that information. Another suggestion...talk to an obstetrican first about this dilemma...find out what the potential health implications are.

It's tragic that this baby (and his/her mother)have to pay such a huge price.

BTW...have you and your WW been tested for std's?? If not, do so right away!

I would give her the tape the whole tape and then it's up to her to listen to the whole thing or not , it would be her choice... and that's what you would be giving her a chance to make an INFORMED CHOICE of whatever decisions she may make for her and her precious child . I agree there is never a good time to find out about or feel this kind of heartbreak and deceit.. but she deserves to be able to make decisions based on truth... JMHO