I am in an incredibly difficult situation, my H and I have been separated for 9 months and trying to reconcile for 2 of those. We have hit a road block, he is physically and mentally exhausted from work, but he is in counselling. Tonight we hit a cross roads and not sure where to go. The gist of the story is he had an A 14 months ago, left me 4 months after it was ended because of guilt, and stayed away because of that. Right now he feels that he has messed up our lives and he continues to do so, which he is afraid of..He is trying to get some peace of mind and literally has shut him self up in his apt. because being by himself he has no one to screw up.We have a son who is doing incredibly well through all this, but now i don't know what to do..I am caught between giving up OR hanging on...He loves me and i feel his pain when we talk, tonight it tore me apart because he just said that he feels so much guilt and he cannot figure out how to deal with it, so sometimes it is easier to just give up...even though he knows realistically he will regret it. How can he understand that what he has done is forgivable, that people do move past..He is not a talker and doesn't rely on friends for advice, the MB is not a forum he would get on, but i am afraid our marriage will be over for the wrong reasons. Should I just give up or work really hard at giving him the space he needs, does he deserve that??

I am really torn on what to do....I am always trying to figure things out and this time i am at a loss..
Some one please help...

Hello zacharysmom

Well in 9 months I guess both of you have learned a lot, and also healed somehow over the initial pain of the A right? If he is in counseling, that is good... Are you also into it?

What do you want to do?
This is not going to be easy for either one of you. If you come back together and I strongly advice you to do this will be a bumpy road for both. Please talk this over to see if you are both willing to ride it <img border="0" title="" alt="[Smile]" src="images/icons/smile.gif" />

I advice you do, simply because you are still married and you will never forget yourself not even giving the chance to work this out. And nor becasue the wrong reasons, on the countrary with all your new acquired wisdowm I'm sure you both can do better this time! <img border="0" title="" alt="[Wink]" src="images/icons/wink.gif" />

In my heart I hope you do it!

Take care

Z-Mom:

My heart goes out to you both. I am a WS that can identify with what your husband is going through in dealing with the pain, guilt and fear associated with an A and its damaging consequences. I fight these dragons daily but am slowly winning the battle through what I am learning here.

Getting past the guilt is a process. I'm not much of a talker either and don't open up to friends, so that's why this discussion board has been important to me. Your husband may benefit from this board or some of Dr. Harley's books.

Don't give up and I hope your H doesn't either. Best wishes.

Bumping--hoping for more advice!!

Hi ZM,

First off....decide what YOU want! If you want to be with him, then it is time to devise the plan to help get that ship headed in the right direction. If you want to move on and not deal with this anymore, then make that decision. Do not rely on his state to determine your course of action. You decide what you are going to put up with, do, say, act and feel.

Secondly, is he going to counselling, or are the both of you together? As a WS, I can tell you he needs to know you have forgiven him and he needs to forgive himself. He needs to understand that he has to earn your love and trust back, but that you are willing to walk that journey with him. There are going to be dark days and not so dark days, but they get better with time. He needs to understand it is a process and will take time....there will be backsliding and uphill climbs, but if your Plan A is strong and steady, it WILL happen in time. Challenge him to say each day...."From this day forward I will..." and end it with a positive statement about himself and the two of you as a couple! Again, it is process, not a destination. One step at a time. Get some help...grief and guilt complexes are difficult to overcome alone!!

Hang in there!! Good luck!!

Thank you so much for the advice, I do know that I want this marriage, I guess my fear is that I want something i can't have and don't know when to give up.....We have an incredible friendship and love for each other that i believe is worth it but sometimes when you are always trying to convince someone else of it, you start to wonder if you are being foolish--does that make sense..For the longest time i have believed there were other W on the picture, but slowly i know that is not the case. I still feel insecure in some ways, I think mainly because he lives somewhere else, but I have more confidence in him and us.

Yes, he is in counselling, something that is very difficult for him and i am incredible proud of him for this.

You are right TrueHeart, I will make the decision for me,and that is why I am hanging in there...I am going to e-mail him this page just because i want him to see the wornderful advice that comes from BOTH sides of story....

Thanks again!!