Thought we were doing nicely for a few weeks, then he started withdrawing more and more, then started getting angry and nasty. I asked him to leave.

He did, then reinitiated contact with OW. She wouldn't go out with him but offered him advice and talked with him. And tonight I think they are out together, I guess for some more "advice".

I posted on the recovery board, but had to leave, we're falling apart...or at least I am. This is no recovery, this is He%%.

How could he do this?

How could I marry a man that could do this?

Still Here:

This was exactly my WS' pattern. Why is this stuff so predictable and scripted? My WS picked a fight as an excuse to go back.

I understand it as an addiction. Your WS and mine could not make it through the withdrawal phase. My WS left me three times this way.

I'm doing PLAN B now. It's working for me now.

It's an addiction!!!!

I hate it too. What a nightmare for us!!!

Many times it becomes easier to take the path of least resistance...believe me...been there, done that, got the Merit Badge!! WS will often tend to pick fights and make any excuse they can to run away from the pain of facing their mistakes and running toward that which comforts them. I found that when I did the pattern you two discuss, that Plan B worked best on me! When I came to understand what I stood to lose and what I was giving up and how weak I was, it tends to shift the thinking patterns (at least it did for me). If you are not ready to give up, DON'T. If you are ready to keep fighting for what you believe, FIGHT! Don't give up or give in just because the WS is still in dense fog. Almost every recovery has its sour moments...that is part of the recovery and addiction process...so don't despair...draft your plan and stick to it, with some flexibility to change the plan if need be. Come to grips with the monster you are facing and make that plan...don't despair....we have all been there!!

Sad thing to be bounced back and forth. I understand you rfeelings to the core. In my case I so wanted to beleive everytime there was a promise made that it would be so. But a chjange would come over him, like I was living with hte biggest a@# you would ever meet. He went from being the person I loved to a stranger I didnt like much, during this time I would find out there had been some sort of contact.

He finally acknowledged the change in hisself and admitted he knew I would never forgive and everyone hated him anyway so why not talk to the one person who "cared" WRONG!

Lets just say it finally came to a head and I kicked him out, he came back, I called the ow H and it all hit real fast.

I gues what I am trying to say is from day to day the outlook may look very differant, if at all possible get him to see the changes himself. Its hard when you reach the point where you cant hang on for the both of you any longer. It takes two, its tough road. I have been reading the posts here and telling a bit here and there, and it does help, I have alot of days where I want to run. But I love him, things are going better. There is alot of healing to be done. It is possible. So if its important to you dont throw in the towel as of yet. Tak calmly no accusations, just point out as carefully as you can the changes in him when he is contacting this other person. Does he like himself like that? That was a big question in my case. Please post something to let me know how you are handling things. I know it hurts in places we sometimes forget we had.

Here I was wishing my WS would come back, but maybe I shouldn't be. We had this great conversation one day weeks after my anger passed once he told me about her, and I began realizing and admitting my share of responsibility. When I told this to him and asked him if he would consider giving our marriage another try, he wouldn't. Said he couldn't possibly end his relationship with OW because he cared about her too much (they've been "officially" dating for 3 months!). That hurt a lot to think that 3 month relationship was more important to him than trying to get our family back together, more important than his daughter too. Question is, when he's done with her, will I be open to taking him back if he asks me too? (Did I mention she is 21 and he is 42?)

Unfocused:

I certainly feel your pain regarding the younger woman.

You're fortunate. You can spare yourself the pain of the cake-eating.

Wait until he's finished playing with her and he will be. It will never last!!!!!

Hang in there.

What is it with these men????

Hello StillHereMakingIt, mimi1254, Unfocused...

Well I'm into plan B myself and know also the pain we are all going into...

I'm my case words couldn't be backed up with acts... I'm separated since dday but trully in plan B since 2 weeks ago. I don't know what the future holds for me, but for ne to keep being the doormat was making me really depressed while he still was at the fence enjoying too much. So I said enough!!! I did try, I did talked... maybe not as hard as I should but since I wanted to get OUT of the hole... plan B for me.. besides no other options he didn't want to come back and I got tired of beggin...

Have faith, this will have an outcome, we do not see it now since we are in the middle of it, but God will show us the path at his right time I'm sure... Meanwhile? I'm trying to make me a better person, learn a lot and heal...

Take good care

StillHere,
You are dealing with an ongoing affair, this is often how the pattern goes. Discovery, reconciliation, contact with OP, affair re-ignites.

I did an 18 month Plan A, through 6 separations.

Plan A is a device for the betrayed spouse to deal with an ongoing affair. In SURVIVING THE AFFAIR, Dr. Harley outlines a 6 month Plan A, followed by 18 month Plan B if needed. Another benchmark for judging when it is time for Plan B is when the BS's lovebank is nearly empty and Plan B's no contact safeguards the little love left for the possibility of future reconciliation when the affair falls apart.

My H did want to see the kids, so he spent a lot of time at our house while we were separated, so I had many opportunities to do Plan A. In some ways I found it easier to do Plan A when he wasn't living at home, because I could avoid lovebusters for a couple hours, whereas when he was home and his behavior distant or negative, we'd fight.

In our 7th separation, the PA was over, H still left again, wanted a divorce, then didn't...after a counseling appt where he said he wanted to reconcile, I went to his office--found him emailing the OW! I served the divorce papers myself. And, at that point, my H really did change.

You might think that I should have done it earlier, but my long Plan A showed my H that I really love him and that I was committed to him and to our marriage and would fight for him. So, when I wanted out...it was a huge turnaround and he realized what he was losing.

Our last separation was the longest at 5 months (14 months out of 21 that H was out of the house).

But, my H was sincere and during the separation changed his behaviors, in fact, did a Plan A on me. It took about 3 months of his consistant changed behavior and we reconciled once more.

That was 3 years ago and our marriage is recovered.

I know a long time line like mine probably makes you crazy to think about at the stage where you are, but I encourage you to really look at yourself, what you are capable of doing today and what your optimal outcome would be.

My optimal outcome was my marriage restored and my family together. I got it, though it took over 2 years and we had about a year of serious counseling during the first year of recovery. And now, as we have our 20th wedding anniversary, 2 bad years doesn't seem like so much.