My husband and I have been separated noe for 6 months-I'm in Plan B-he's unwilling to give up his"friend"! I feel I am getting close to the point of letting go so I want to a lawyer today. I found out I really can't afford a divorce! Although I know I will have custody of my 3D's, the child support he's required to pay will not help out much (D's 19, 17 and 12 so only get support for 2 for 1 year and then just the 1 after that). We don't have much equity in our home plus my middle D will be a senior next year and doesn't want to move out of the house (I can't afford by myself). Also, my 17D doesn't want to have scheduled visitation-right now she sees her Dad once a week for supper which is enough for her. The youngest does stay overnight 1 night every other weekend but that too is all she wants (plus that's all WS too so he can spend his time with OW). My WS is now paying CS, 1/2 house payment and 1/2 of insurance so I don't have any financial problems now. I am better off waiting for middle D to graduate then proceed. It's just so unfair that after 20yrs I basically get nothing. I have worked with the same company all this time while my WS has had several different jobs, making more than WS until this last job he has where he now makes twice as much. We never put much into 401K's because of farmland inheritance-now I have no rights to any of that. Basically my lawyer told me to wait until middle D graduates since I would be getting much less if I proceeded now.
I don't know if I can make 270 days in Plan B. My WS takes the OW to watch his softball games (he plays for a Church team!! He hasn't been to church for 6 months!). When my oldest D's found out they were extremely upset. To make it worse WS didn't even ackowledge their anger. It just seems so unfair that he gets to continue his relationship with OW while I'm in limbo. I guess one of the good things is that he can't marry OW since she's still married too.

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">It just seems so unfair that he gets to continue his relationship with OW while I'm in limbo.</font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">His self-destructive behavior is nothing to be envious about.

Did you ask your attorney about spousal support?

Yes, I did ask about spousal support but since I have been working our entire married life and have a college degree, it's not likely I'll get anything.
I know he's life still is not something I would or could do-it's just so difficult when I have all the responsibilities for the kids, house, bills while he has no remorse for what he's doing/done. I will just need to pray for patience!

help22

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">it's just so difficult when I have all the responsibilities for the kids, house, bills while he has no remorse for what he's doing/done. I will just need to pray for patience!</font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">No doubt. Have you tried to see if you can rent a room out to help with some of the household finances?

You may want to consider following Michelle Weiner Davis's 180 degree list:

1. Do not pursue, reason, chase, beg, plead or
implore!
2. No frequent phone calls
3. Do not point out good points in marriage
4. Do not follow him around the house
5. Do not encourage talk about the future
6. Do not ask for help from family members
7. Do not ask for reassurances
8. Do not buy gifts
9. Do not schedule dates together
10. Do not spy on spouse
11. Do not say "I Love You"
12. Act as if you are moving on with your life
13. Be cheerful, strong, outgoing and attractive
14. Don't sit around waiting on your spouse - get
busy, do things, go to church, go out with friends,
etc.
15. When home with your spouse, (if you usually start
the conversation) be scarce or short on words
16. If you are in the habit of asking your spouse his
whereabouts, ASK NOTHING
17. You need to make your partner think that you have
had an awakening and, as far as you are concerned, you
are going to move on with your life, with or without
your spouse
18. Do not be nasty, angry or even cold - just pull
back and wait to see if spouse notices and, more
important, realize what he will be missing
19. No matter what you are feeling TODAY, only show
your spouse happiness and contentment. Show him
someone he would want to be around.
20. All questions about marriage should be put on
hold, until your spouse wants to talk about it (which
may be a while)
21. Never lose your cool
22. Don't be overly enthusiiastic
23. Do not argue about how he feels (it only makes
their feelings stronger)
24. Be patient
25. Listen carefully to what your spouse is really
saying to you
26. Learn to back off, shut up and walk away when you
want to speak out
27. Take care of yourself (exercise, sleep, laugh &
focus on all the other parts of your life that are not
in turmoil)
28. Be strong and confident and learn to speak softly
29. Know that if you can do 180, your smallest
CONSISTENT actions will be noticed much more than any
words you can say or write
30. Do not be openly desperate or needy even when you
are hurting more than ever and are desperate and needy
31. Do not focus on yourself when communicating with
your spouse
32. Do not believe any of what you hear and less than
50% of what you see. Your spouse will speak in
absolute negatives because he is hurting and scared
33. Do not give up no matter how dark it is or how bad
you feel
34. Do not backslide from your hardearned changes.

Why not just stop Plan B (if you want), get the current financial arrangements written up (or just continue them if they already are) in a separation agreement or similar doc and live your life as if you were divorced?

Short of some ambiguity with regards to dating others and the "technicality" of the dissolving of the marriage by the state, the downside seems to be minimal.

I may have some of the details off, but my main point is that I don't see why "letting go" and "filing for divorce" have to mean the same thing. State recognition will be the crossing of the last 't' in a novel. Again, I'm not sure why you need to stay in limbo (unless it's with regard to dating).

I guess I was hoping to officially close this chapter of my life.Yes, I would like to start dating if the opportunity came up but I won't do that to my kids until I am divorced. I don't want a serious realtionship but would enjoy going to a movie or out with friends-not feeling like the third wheel. It just gets so lonely and although my WS has been out of the house for 6 months it's been a much longer time since I've had any romance.
At least I do see a light at the end of the tunnel-only 270 days (I can file then wait the 90 days and by then my daughter will have graduated). I will concentrate on my kids until then,at least I feel relieved to be able to let him go.I just struggle with his lack of morals and don't want my kids to be hurt by it. I do try to not say anything bad about him, just his behavior. They need to know that it's wrong-the older D's understand this and would like him out of their lives and the younger one is starting to understand. They still spend time with him but have lost all respect for him that I don't know if he'll ever get back.

Also, my 17D doesn't want to have scheduled visitation-right now she sees her Dad once a week for supper which is enough for her.
Just because it is schedled does not mean she is required to go. At her age, if she chooses not to go, then she does not have to go.

Basically my lawyer told me to wait until middle D graduates since I would be getting much less if I proceeded now.
Why would it be less? You now have a daughter in school. Once she graduates, she would be able to work and she'll also be 18 so no child support.

The youngest does stay overnight 1 night every other weekend but that too is all she wants
Hopefully, you made it absolutely clear that the OW would NOT be there while she spends the night.

<small>[ June 04, 2003, 02:21 PM: Message edited by: help22 ]</small>

???

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial"> I know he's life still is not something I would or could do-it's just so difficult when I have all the responsibilities for the kids, house, bills while he has no remorse for what he's doing/done. </font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">There are points in your life where some people take the high road and others stray from the path...the stray path may look like fun for the moment but when you look back at your life and remember that you chose to take the high road, you will know in your heart that you did the right thing......might not be easy...but you will be able to sleep with yourself at night! Been there...done that! GOOD LUCK! <img border="0" title="" alt="[Cool]" src="images/icons/cool.gif" />