This is also posted on the D/D board.

I'm going through all sorts of different ideas and suggestions I plan on presenting before the judge on Monday June 9th, when I have my "case settlement".

One of the things I've been thinking strongly about, is whether or not a child should go on a scheduled visitation if they are sick?

My gut feeling, is "YOU BETCHA!".

I have 3 boys; the oldest is 4 yrs old, and the twins are 2 yrs old. There is NO DOUBT that this situation will arise, where one of them is sick, and the other two havent' gotten it... yet! <img border="0" title="" alt="[Wink]" src="images/icons/wink.gif" /> And my gut is saying to me, that when this happens, that to a certain extent, it's not my problem. H chose his actions, and must (suffer?) and live with the consequences of those actions. Is it fair to the boys? Yes and no. If they all stayed home, then we couldn't go out and do anything either, b/c of one being sick. And why should I stay home with the sick child, and H get to have all the "fun times"?

Is my feeling out of spite? I don't think so... but that's why I'm asking opinions on here. If H hadn't planned on being a parent, then he would have taken measures to prevent it (snip snip, or whatever <img border="0" title="" alt="[Wink]" src="images/icons/wink.gif" /> ). And with the joys of parenting, also come the downs.

What would you do? Or what do you do? If one of your children is sick when it's visitation time? I'd LOVE to hear any and all comments on this topic. Thanks! <img border="0" title="" alt="[Smile]" src="images/icons/smile.gif" />

Karen

Topie,

I have been seperated for 19+ months, even before a temporary order, I let my wh take the kids every other weekend.

He has taken them sick. Once I think my little one, 4, was very sick and may have stayed with me. The older one, 10, at times has activities like bday parties, hey so does my 4 yr old! h usually takes them. We try to cooperate, this is best. The temporary order that stands now is the -rule- and we work our own agreements around it... if we are in a fight.... or argument over what is what... the order stands, for now.

I was heartbroken to miss some bday parties with my 4 yr old and his friends, since I am at work, and his friends are from preschool that granny takes him too... not me. ;( Oh well.... I have gotten over it.

Let him be a dad, I say. But, if it is in the best interest of your child a time or two.... talk to him and figure out what is best based on the situation.

I imagine the order has nothing to say about illness. WH can administer cold medicine, right? ANd take care of sick kids... in fact it might be good for him! <img border="0" title="" alt="[Wink]" src="images/icons/wink.gif" /> YOu might be suprised.... but I don't know your h. I have been pleasantly suprised in many areas... but scared about others b/c my h drinks. I am watchful, and having a 10 yr old with my baby helps.... although I certainly do not want him to be the parent.

ANyway.... you can make it through this. I don't know about Canada.. but I don't think the US puts stuff in orders about kids staying with mom, when sick....?

I know you are worried and concerned, only natural, with your sweet babes. Hope my response at least gives you some point of reference about this kind of mee.... at least how it goes on in my home. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Smile]" src="images/icons/smile.gif" /> Sad, to have to be in this boat, but we can make the best of it. We do get some time off, finally!

Hugs, Honey

I think the kids should stay at home with the custodial parent when they are sick. Much better for them to be in their own bed when they are ill rather than shuffled all over to strange places where the care is iffy. I think what is best for the kid should be the first concern.

I agree with both Honey and ML. Let the order stand, but, depending on the varing degree and the activities that the other parent has, it probably is in the best interest of the child to stay at the custodial parent place of residence. The healing and sickness will most likely be shorter lived.

I think it depends on the sickness. Just a cold? Sure send them on with cough syrup and box of kleenex in a tote bag.

Nasty flu with vomiting and fever? Don't make them feel worse by moving them around, keep them home and look after them.

But I don't have kids yet, that's just my gut instinct. You've been so helpful to me Topie, I just wanted to try to help you.

Jen

Topie,

I have a 9yr old D. I am not the primary placement parent. But I AM a parent! When my D is sick I care for her as a parent should. I "parent" her, I don't "visit" her.

Her mother,(I believe) actually neglected D's health. She was coming over sick more often than not. Was this an effort to sabotage our time together? Was it an effort to "teach me a lesson?" I took up my concerns with the mother regarding her consistent poor state of health. She would actually neglect taking D to the Dr. so that I would have to take her on a Sat. morning.

It was probably not a conspiracy as I imagined but whatever it was it worked to my advantage. D received the finest TLC a parent could offer. D recognized too how well I cared for her and actually looked forward to being with me so that I could nurse her back to health.

Her mother soon recognized that despite her perceived efforts to sabotage our time together, D started hinting to her that I was coming through with flying colors. Needless to say, D does not come over as sick, as much as she used to.

The point is that the kids come first. If the kids have the sniffles, that's one thing but if they are truly ill they need parental TLC.

Your kids cannot get it from their Dad because he is not equipped to care for them. He does not "parent" them, he "visits" with them.

I would not want to send my child visiting ANYONE if they were ill. I would feel irresponsible as a parent for subjecting her to that.

My situation is different from that of yours. I am equipped as a parent to care for my child. When she is sick I go into major parent mode. I feel guilty sending her back to her mom if I haven't completely nursed her back to health. I know that I can care for her better and that the next time she comes over she will probably still be sick. That kills me!

You asked: </font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">What would you do? Or what do you do? </font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">If my kid was sick I'd do whatever I could to make them comfortable and well again. If that meant canceling plans, so be it. If that meant giving up some free time, so be it. I would suggest to other parent that child is ill and if you are not equipped or prepared to care for them properly I would rather that they not come for a visit until they are well. The situation can be poja'd in the best interest of the kids and with no hard feelings to either parent.

jmho
ba109

hey topie-you know this one, and youve gotten great advice.

if its serious keep them home, if not, oh well, youre a parent too.

remember the chickenpox story??? lol

dont second guess your parenting skills--you know what is best. go with it

Thank you for all of the fantastic replies! You've given me more to think about, and that's exactly what I was looking for. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Smile]" src="images/icons/smile.gif" />

I will admit, I wasn't at all thinking about the severity of illness... I was seeing "sick" as meaning with a cold, cough, low grade fever, etc. As far as 'bedridden' sick... yes, I would stay home with that child, and break whatever plans I had.

Let's say that was the case... one child is bedridden... should I still send off the other 2 for visitation? My thoughts that I want to share with the judge, is an "all or nothing" visitation. Let's say OS is the sick one, and stays home. Should I still send the twins out? My gut reaction is NO WAY! Mostly b/c at this time, they can NOT tell me what is going on. And I do NOT trust the set up for visitation (which is supervised by my IL's... a situation I have fought, trust me... but cannot do anything about, unfortunately).

The trigger for me was the IL's taking OS out a few weeks ago, to celebrate his birthday. The twins were NOT invited. At first I accepted that... but then I got to thinking... how about when the twins have their birthday? Does that mean Eric won't be invited??? How fair is that? I could see it with singletons... but having twins puts a bit of a twist on the situation. My IL's had also said Eric wouldn't be back until after 9pm, which is 2 hours past the twins' bedtime. But they were back shortly after 8pm... and therefore, the twins would have been just fine to go.

Honey: Thanks for the thoughts on the birthday parties. It's important that the boys continue their friendships that way. If a party happens to fall on a visitation weekend, then H will just have to bring him/them there.

Melody Lane: Do you have any thoughts on the various levels of illness? Or do you think that the child should stay home for even a bout of the sniffles (which by the way, normally, I wouldn't even let the boys go outside, in order to nip it in the bud).

H2Y: Yes... I believe in nipping it in the bud too...especially considering that I don't trust H's judgement in caring for a sick child. He's never done it... he couldn't "stomach it" in the past. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Roll Eyes]" src="images/icons/rolleyes.gif" />

Jen Brown: I'm with you on your thoughts. As I mentioned, I wasn't thinking about the severity of the illness.. and that DOES make a big difference.

ba109: "Parenting" as opposed to "visiting"... that's EXACTLY why my gut is to send them off for access. My problem is, that I do NOT trust my H to care for the boys if they're sick. I agree, that pojaing this is the ideal thing to do. However, that is not allowed at present in my situation... as due to H's bail conditions, he is to have no contact or association with me whatsoever. I would like to change that, for the sake of the boys... but it's not up to me. Only HE can put in the request for change to his recognizance.

nikko: I LOVE that chicken pox story!!! <img border="0" title="" alt="[Big Grin]" src="images/icons/grin.gif" /> For those of you that don't know it... nikko sent her OS for access when he had the chicken pox. She explained to her ex that he'd need an oatmeal bath to ease the itching. When OS returned home, he was COVERED in dried up chunks of oatmeal!!! It turns out, her ex bought the ACTUAL EDIBLE oatmeal, and threw it in the tub!!! Poor kid! But the moral of the story is, he DID survive it! LOL

Thanks again all.

Karen

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial"> And my gut is saying to me, that when this happens, that to a certain extent, it's not my problem. H chose his actions, and must (suffer?) and live with the consequences of those actions. Is it fair to the boys? Yes and no. If they all stayed home, then we couldn't go out and do anything either, b/c of one being sick. And why should I stay home with the sick child, and H get to have all the "fun times"?
</font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Ok...now comes the bad part. First you asked what others would do. I can't help but respond to this though. It doesn't sound like you're putting the kids first here. These statements are all about YOU. The kids don't deserve to be handed off to a less than adequate dad when they are ill. Maybe you could present this to the court. He really doesn't have the facilities or ability to care for an ill child. Some sort of back door clause might be appropriate to allow a sick child to stay home with you. </font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial"> If H hadn't planned on being a parent, then he would have taken measures to prevent it (snip snip, or whatever ). And with the joys of parenting, also come the downs.
</font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">This could apply to you also. You can't stop being a parent when they go off for "access." Especially when they are ill. That's when my parenting mode really kicks in...even as a dad. You are still their mom during those periods of access and the one who cares for them more than anyone in this world. Don't let vengence take the place of wisdom. You know what is best for them.

That is my (hopefully not too) disrespectful judgement for the day. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Embarrassed]" src="images/icons/blush.gif" />

ba109

<small>[ June 05, 2003, 12:02 PM: Message edited by: ba109 ]</small>

topie,
Most judgs these days expect you o send the child - even if sick, The rationale is that either parent can care for the sick child equally as well.

"An all or nothing" visitation. That, in my opinion, is unreasonable. Many parenting plans will adress this in cases where there are more than one child. generally it states that a NCP may exercise visitation w/ only 1 of the children - if s/he chooses. The basis for this is that each child should be allowed some alone time w/ their parent.

Besudes, if you kept one of the children home becasuse he was sick, you should WANT to send the other 2 off w/ dad. This will prevent them from getting sick and allow you to pamper the sick child.

Please put the children first. in georgia in cases where it has been proven that the CP has routinely "interfered" w/ or prevented/ denied visitations the CP has lost custody - based only on that reason. Judges are cracking down. Also most Agreements require make-up visitation time be scheduled when it is lost so you really wouuldn't be gaining anything by refusing the visit.

Good luck to you and your children. tew