BS's: I'm wondering, if you had the chance, what questions would you ask of your unfaithful partner? What things would you like to be asked about your experience?

WS's: What would you like to have been asked by your spouse? What would you like to ask your spouse?

Thanks!

C

Gosh, C, you know I could do this for hours. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Smile]" src="images/icons/smile.gif" />

BS to WS, I'd like to ask:

-- Have I done all I can to save the marriage?

-- Have you ever considered coming home to work on the marriage?

-- What does the OP give you that I am unable to give you?

-- When did you stop loving me?

For some reason that's all I have right now, though I'm sure I'll have more!

ALS

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Originally posted by cerri:
<strong>BS's: I'm wondering, if you had the chance, what questions would you ask of your unfaithful partner? What things would you like to be asked about your experience?

WS's: What would you like to have been asked by your spouse? What would you like to ask your spouse?C</strong></font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">OK, I'll go first.....

Uh, NOT SURE I'd ask about "the experience" - but I'd like to ask WHEN did you cross the line? When and how did you decide to do this (I want to hear the progression of the thought processes), instead of coming TO ME, talking openly, honestly and asking ME to help fix US?

Can't speak for the WS (he's still being held captive on the Mothership), but I'd HOPE he'd say, "I'd like my W to tell me that she would have responded to a ? like, "Won't you meet more of my needs so you'll feel more loved, appreciated, needed, wanted, etc.?" instead of taking me (WS) for granted. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Frown]" src="images/icons/frown.gif" />
"What can I do to make YOU feel more like meeting MY NEEDS?"

I hope this makes some sense. I know what I'm trying to say, but not sure it's making sense (I guess I shouldn't be trying to do 3 things at once!) <img border="0" title="" alt="[Wink]" src="images/icons/wink.gif" />

How many OW were there and when did all this start?

I would like to know why she didn't come to me while she was trying to decide if she wanted to continue M.(need to fix that)

I think I know what needs he meets that I didn't but want to know for sure.

I'm open to be asked anythink about my experience during this but there isn't really a question I "want" to be asked.

C, I'm only 6 weeks or so into this. I'm sure if we get to recovery there will be many more questions I want to ask. These are all I know I want to know right now.

If the OP went missing at the bottom of a swamp would the authorities bother to do a manhunt? <img border="0" title="" alt="[Big Grin]" src="images/icons/grin.gif" />

cerri

As the BS I would like to have answered....

What factors contributed to your infidelity? unmet ENs, alcohol, opportunity, weakness of spirit, sexual addiction, social pressure, business pressure, time away of home, pregnancy, Attractive spouse, etc.

What can you do to compensate me for the pain you have caused and to protect me from yourself?

Why should I believe that you can be faithful to me in the future?

What is your plan to avoid temptation in the future?

What should be the consequence is you fail?

What would you feel if I did this to you?

Could you forgive me if I did this to you?

When you did this....did you think of me? Did you feel guilty at the moment you did it. or only after being caught?

What pushed you over the edge of your own code of ethics?

Can you deal with both your guilt AND my reaction over this act, or will one of them destroy us?

Can you look me in the face everyday knowing that I know the depth of your degradation?

Can you face the pain you have caused me?

Can I face the pain you have caused me?

Can we forgive eachother?

How can I learn to trust and respect you again?

How can I recognize the signs that you may be cheating again?

Can I take a whack at your face with this bat? <img border="0" title="" alt="[Wink]" src="images/icons/wink.gif" />

OK...Here is MY qustion that I would love to ask the XW. With what info I have, their first "rendevous" was a "planned" one...

"WS, tell me EXACTLY what you were thinking and telling yourself during that 40-minute drive to meet OM?"

See, I can almost(note ALMOST) see where something could materialize when the WS and the OP are around each other a lot (work, etc.) and the EA starts and then progresses.

But I REALLY have trouble understanding the "pre-meditation" when there is SOOOO much time to back out. The XW only saw the OP for a couple of minutes, a couple of times per week (UPS driver), and always in a crowded office. They arranged to meet thereafter. Maybe he wore a "potion' as cologne or something? <img border="0" title="" alt="[Big Grin]" src="images/icons/grin.gif" />

If there was one consolation to my sitch, I now know where the slogan " 1-800-PICK-UPS" was derived! <img border="0" title="" alt="[Eek!]" src="images/icons/shocked.gif" />

HCII

Thanks everyone, these are very helpful. If you think of more, please add them.

C

I'm in Plan B, so I don't have contact with WH. If he ever wants to reconcile, the first question I will ask him is, "What have you discovered in yourself that allowed you to have A's (3)". This question implies that WH has done some serious soul-searching, and that he knows that A's are wrong, period. If he can't answer this question, there will be no attempt on my part to reconcile.
Lablady

Hi C -

From what I have learned:

The BS usually asks all the questions!

The WS usually have any questions to ask, However, the questions that I have are:

What were you thinking about me during that time?

Did you still love me and think about me?

Those are the only questions taht I have had.

WS to BS -

Why did it take for me to leave in order for you to recognize that I was crying for help?

When I told you that I was suicidal, why did you choose to look the other way and pretend nothing was happening?

When I was lying on the floor begging for help towards a solution for resolving the issues, Why did you tell me to find my own way out?

Why can't you see the changes that I have made in me?

What can I do to help you heal?

What will it take until you believe that I am completely sincere and dedicated to making this work?

Do you think about me?

Do you still care deep down inside?

Are you hiding from me now?

Can you ever forgive me?

Can you forgive yourself?

Cerri -

Boy that is one I have thought about for a while - I am a BS of three months - for the second time. The questions that I would ask and really truely want the answers for are as follows:

Why did you let it go this far before talking to me about it? (In my situation it was a complete shock - everything seemed to be OK)

Could I have changed anything? Said anything or done anything to have prevented this?

Was it me or just something you were going through?

How can we prevent this in the future?

Is there a possibility of working through this?

Can the trust be rebuilt? and are you willing to do the things I need in order to rebuild?

Will you be patient and understanding with me and what I am dealing with?

As a BS it is very painful to loose the WS but very scarey to trust the person that has hurt you the most deeply. Hope that helps!

Cerri,
Can't think of what I would want my wife to ask me but I would like to ask her the following
questions.

Knowing you and how smart you are, did you really not know I was up to something or did you
ignore the clues?

You accepted the lies, will you accept the truth?

Theres more but these are real important to me at this time.