Lisa, Neil – thanks for checking in. Not sure about IC – more keen now on talking to friends and get their opinion. But before an (eventual) next relationship, I might go, just to get a handle on the emotional scars in myself

Star*fish, USH – you know, I’ve not have the urge to contact her at all. Not sure if that’s good or bad? It is certainly a sign that it was high time for plan B. As you write, it’s just so liberating to be off the emotional rollercoaster.

I am planning (and doing!) many things now – just had a job interview this morning, planning a ‘bachelors trip’ with a close friend and mentor of mine (who doesn’t know yet), going to visit the newborn of another friend with my daughter in a week, doing a boating trip with D next Sunday, clocking up my 50 odd running km’s per week etc etc. That’s what I mean by ‘feeling liberated’ – all these things are just so much more enjoyable than wasting my time at home trying to cope with my wife’s behaviour. Of course, it would be even more enjoyable with a partner which whom I could share these joys...

Regards & thanks for your support,
Nick

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Originally posted by Nick123:
<strong>Not sure about IC – more keen now on talking to friends and get their opinion.</strong></font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Hi Nick, I found friends and family way to biased in my situation. Should have dumped the b**ch ages ago was the general viewpoint. Of course as my feelings wavered so to did their opinions. IC was firmly stood in the reality of it. That was it's fundamental benefit.

It allowed me to see beyond the fantasy elements that my xW was dishing and into the reality of what was going on and more so on the practicalities of moving forward. Friends couldn't give me that. Mind you they did a damn good venting of their own <img border="0" title="" alt="[Big Grin]" src="images/icons/grin.gif" />

Neil.

Just wondering how things were going for you?

Has it been a week yet?

Any new developments?

Been thinking about you.

Thanks StillHere for asking – yes, it has now been over two weeks in fact, so I’m in my third week of separation and plan B. There are ups, there are downs, what can I say? Mostly however, as I mentioned earlier, I have a great sense of relief that she can’t hurt me anymore emotionally, that I’m finally liberated, that I finally drew the line in the sand. In this sense, I didn’t find it difficult to maintain no contact at all.

Interestingly, WW didn’t object at all to me stopping contact with her – she simply accepted it, no questions asked or anything. No calls, no letters, no notes, no emails, just nothing, like in ‘thanks god he’s gone’. Not sure what to make out of that. But then again, I’ve stopped reading things into her actions, non-actions and words. Only exception – as described, she left a *hugely* angry voice mail the day she learnt that I told her niece, and a *very* angry voice mail yesterday blaming me why I took daughter to school Monday when she was sick. For the record – daughter started to feel a bit tired Sunday (but I thought that was due to physical exhaustion as we did quite a lot!), Monday morning she was fine though and looking forward to school. You know how fast children can get ill – so possibly during the day of Monday she got a temperature etc and became ill. Sooo…. Who’s to blame? Guess. Anyhow, I’m sure that incident will fill many happy hours of conversation between her and OM, yet another volume in the quite popular series of “Nick’s lacking father instinct”. Oh yeah, and daughter mentioned that “OM was calling every day”.

I am still struggling with the question on if and how to tell her relatives. Star*fish made an excellent comment that it should be guided by intent, ie if my intent is to make her look bad then that is one thing, however, if my intent is to ‘let the affair see the light of day’ then that’s another. After a lot of soul searching I think the latter is the case, but I can’t deny that I do have bad feelings once in a while “to get even”. So that’s why I have decided to write a very nice and carefully worded letter to them. In any case, if the current situation persists, they will find out sooner or later, and I do want to make clear what has happened and why.
What I don’t know, honest, is whether such a move will increase chances of reconciliation or cut the cords for good. I know that my wife will think this move will be like stabbing her in the back, and will double her determination of getting rid of me. Having said that, I WANT TO STOP BEING HER ACCOMPLICE, and yes, I do believe that after 4 years of playing around, it’s time for a dose of reality for her. So: I intend to write the following:

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">
Dear [brother in law] and [sisters in law],
This letter is difficult to write. I don’t know if WW has already told you, and if she did, what she has said to you. Fact is that at this point in time we don’t live together. I had to move out of our house as there is another man in WW’s life, already for a number of years. I’ve learned about it a year and a half ago, tried everything I could in order to safe our situation and hoped that we could have a normal family life together… but unfortunately that didn’t work. I still love her very much to this date and want to live like a family….
I always held and am holding you in high esteem – of course, sometimes we didn’t understand each other as we are from different cultures. I was always blown away and honoured by your hospitality and warm relationship towards me, I felt that you are holding me too in high esteem, and not just because of my relative wealth.
I don’t know what there will be, but in any case I wish you and your children all the very best. Don’t judge WW and think about her badly, what happened, happened. If she thinks that her future and happiness lies with someone else, then that is her decision alone, despite if the people closest to her don’t agree, don’t understand and are struggling to accept it.
</font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">BTW – I’ve written the letter in another language, so the translation above might not be very smooth, but you should catch the meaning. For better understanding, her family is Muslim and come from a relatively poor country, hence the reference to wealth, and hence my final phrase that they should not think about WW too harshly (remember – in some Muslim countries unfaithful wives are stoned to death; not in her country though, but morally it’s pretty black & white). Re-reading the letter, I see that something is missing – taking some of the responsibility myself. Will add that. Otherwise, what do you think?

Thanks all of you for listening!

Thanks for the update. Nicely crafted letter. I would keep it simpler, just the facts with no other references to your hopes for your relationship with them or your hopes for their relationship with their sister (sounds like you're trying to control the situation). It may be an opportunity to lay down some boundaries in your relationship with them...or no boundaries, as in "feel free to call me about this anytime" or "My new address and phone number is". Make it sound like you are backing away at this moment. Also explain why you need to tell them...so that the truth is out, and hopefully after the truth is out WW and OM won't be able to live in their secret world any longer. Or that you are just passing along your new address and phone number and an invite to keep in touch.

Sounds like WW has some issues about raising children and she has convinced someone else she is right (the OM to commiserate with). If she can convince him...then that means she was raised right and there were no mistakes with her....and then she would be the only one on earth raised perfectly... Maybe reading into it too much...

Her not contacting you...could be a couple of things, but it's just speculation. She could feel SOOOO guilty, it's a relief not to face you/talak to you and face her own guilt. And another is she had fantasized about having you out of the picture and into the arms of the OM...well let them, it won't be long before their true colors start showing. They are both living a lie and it will raise up to bite them on the butt. Pretty soon they'll start mistrusting each other (if they don't already)...

Thanks StillTrying, all very, very valid points which I will take aboard.

PS - called daughter today and guess what: she has been to school! So, once again, WTF is it all about?? leaving me angry voicemails that I shouldnt have sent daughter to school, whilst at the same time sending her to school herself......?

It's exactly moments like these which I'm very happy & content of living alone and separated, not having to endure that sort of cr@p 24x7. But I think she finds it increasingly hard to blame me for all evil as I'm just not around anymore to take the blame - her possibilities are reduced to leaving me angry voice mails. So, I reckon she will soon have to start blaming someone else ...:-)

Cheers
N

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial"> So, I reckon she will soon have to start blaming someone else ...:-) </font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Isn't that exactly true, and part of the point of moving out...

I think she's grasping at anything to stay in contact with you...even yelling. Things may get more desperate for her, especially after you send the letter. Are you going to her family events at all? Do you feel welcome? How about events for D, do family usually attend? This will be an interesting couple of months.

What is your hope? In the best of all worlds, how would you like things to turn out?

Thanks StillHere,
The problem is that her family lives in another country on the other side of the globe, so naturally, we don’t have a lot of contact. In the past I was there maybe every other year, my wife more frequently. Every year or so we would have one relative over at our place (brother, sister, niece).

<strong> What is your hope? In the best of all worlds, how would you like things to turn out? </strong>

That’s an interesting question. If you asked me a year or half a year ago, then I would have said: Ideally, WW will come to her senses, decide for our marriage, drop contact with the other and focus on our family, including my emotional needs.
Now, this is still my hope, but I am more realistic (pessimistic?) now. You know, the more you hope, the more you wish, the bigger the disappointment. Check out my signature lines – do you know how many times I hoped only to be subsequently disappointed? So, I stopped hoping now. Instead, I walk my way on my own - if she joins in during the coming months, great! I would move back in, I would try to make her happy, to rekindle the relationship and all. Otherwise, I’d say the chances are fairly high that come 6-12 months from now I will be in another relationship, and from that point onwards the path back is ever and increasingly unlikely. If that’s the case, then it is my hope that one day WW will understand and see the situation for what it is, that one day she will experience herself how it feels like to be betrayed that way. OK, this may sound a bit vengeful, but to tell you the truth, this is what I feel - at this point in time that is. Maybe, one day I will find my peace with the situation and be able to forgive…. but not yet.

Nick -- How are you? What is (or is not) happening with WW and your D? Are you ok? Thank you so much for checking in on me in my thread. I've seen some posts from you to others, but haven't seen any update from you on your situation. I hope you are ok.