Got an email from her just now. Seems the CSM made his call and the sh*t is definately hitting the fan.
Here it is:

"Just got called into my csm's office and he is going to talk to my commander and he will be processing the information that your unit provided him regarding our issues. I am going to look into what my next options are and I'll let you know when I figure that out. I'll probably tell my mom this weekend what is going on and update her on our situation. I am sorry that I couldn't have been a better wife for you but I think that it would be better for both of us in the long run that we figured this out quickly and take care of it now. I'll let you know more when I figure it out."
W

This is such a delicate situation right now I don't want to make ONE mistake. I don't want to respond until I get feedback.
My thoughts were to respond with the truth that they didn't tell me what they were going to do, only that I had to give them information.
As far as her now jumping in to "settling things", this has me in a slight panic. I mean, she's? gonna figure things out? That doesn't sound much like she was planning on talking to me about any decisions. In fact knowing her, it sounds like she will be taking swift, decisive actions (for a change). I forsee a quick legal separation or divorce coming. She changed her email too, back to her maiden name. She sent me an email letting me know that this will be her primary email now. It was only sent to her mom and myself though which raises some suspicion.
Man, I want to write back immediately but I know that if I rush into this I'm going to mess it up.
Help please!
I'm sure she's taking this as an act of war and grounds to wash her hands of everything! If that happens there is no hope in this that I can see!
Please advise!
As for the finances, I'm going to be making a lot of calls tonight to get my name off of her credit card, changing the PofA and opening a new account where my pay can go. It has to be done. I don't want her in a position to do anything rash to my finances.
Man, I feel like everything is about to collapse with no hope of being rebuilt.
I think any action I take, if I'm to contact her and head any crazy decisions off must be by phone. It's too easy to misread an email and that's not a risk I want to take right now. Also, with the new email address she gave me...it may be intended as a buffer so that she can ignore it until this is over and she's made her choices withoout any discussion.
AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAH. DAM* IT! WHAT DO I DO NOW??

OK, this is my draft:

"I don't know what to say, or if I should even say anything.

I want you to believe me when I tell you THIS IS NOT MY DOING. You MUST believe me. You know I wouldn't lie to you. What little information I was ordered to give them, I gave under protest. I had and have NO CONTROL over this!
I feel very badly for what is happening to you right now. To tell you the truth, I'm not sure what that is aside from you writing a.15 in your subject line. My CSM just told me after I read your email that he called last night and left things in your command's hands. So, I don't know what's happening there, but I know it can't be good.
I know you must be so angry right now. I know you know how much I care about you. Do you really think that I would want something bad to happen to you? Is that what you think of me? THINK ABOUT IT. Why the [censored] would I want something like this?? It jeopardizes any chance of working things out between us!!
When I said I have to move on. I didn't mean that I don't want things to work out. I meant that I needed the space just as you did to work on ME. I needed to heal and to make myself a better person, because I know now that that's the only person I can change. I DO want to figure things out, but not in the sense that you mean it now. By "figure things out quickly" you mean END things quickly, do you not?

DAMN IT! DAMN THAT THIS HAPPENED! I'm doing everything I can to make things better, I'm working on me, I'm giving you space, I'm finding new ways to respect you, and I wasn't going to say anything but I CANCELLED SF in favor of an AGR slot so that I would be available in MN to work on things. Even if you moved to [other city]!

[W], honey, if you hear nothing else I have to say, hear this:

DON'T LET YOUR ANGER MAKE RASH DECISIONS THAT YOU WILL REGRET FOR THE REST OF YOUR LIFE. IF YOU DO, YOU WILL CARRY THIS PAIN AND GUILT WITH YOU FOR A VERY LONG TIME.

I still want you to be happy. That is still my first priority. If we are not aloud to work out our issues, especially pain and guilt, they will DAMN any real happiness and haunt us forever. You are such a beautiful person and I don't want this to change you into something else! PLEASE consider this. We BOTH need TIME to work these things out. Even if you don't end up with me, I STILL want you to be happy. It won't happen like this.

You know I care about you.

[Me}"

Any suggestions right now would be VERY helpful. This is the crux I think. If we can get past this we can get past anything. I must be SO careful right now.

Ok...CALM DOWN...she can't end the M in a day!!! You need to try to really get yourself calmer, slow yourself down a bit!! Don't panic.

The first thing that strikes me about your letter is that you are panicing (if I, a total stranger notice, she certainly will!!). Don't beg her!! Not sure if now is the time but, in your letter you make no reference to her responsibility in creating this mess. You are letting her off the hook! Recovery involves the WS acknowledging their error and doing whatever it takes to help fix the M. She made the choices she did...with every choice we make there are consequences.

Second you need to be crystal clear about what you need and want from her...without begging or trying to justify your behaviour! It's not up to you to apologize for her A. Yes, the state of the M is partially your doing...the A is her choice and hers alone. You have to to realize that it's highly doubtful she's thinking rationally at this point. She is reacting, looking for reasons to prove to herself that you are a bad guy and what she did is ok.

I understand how hard it is to cope when you are so far away from home. All of us here at MB know you want to save your M and we will help best we can.

I did a bit of editing of your letter...hope you don't mind. It's still your words just the intensity is gone. You need to appear in control, forgiving, calm....

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial"> </font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">You know I wouldn't lie to you. What little information I was ordered to give them, I gave under protest.

I feel very badly for what is happening to you right now. To tell you the truth, I'm not sure what that is aside from you writing a.15 in your subject line. My CSM just told me after I read your email that he called last night and left things in your command's hands. So, I don't know what's happening there, but I know it can't be good.

I know you must be so angry right now. Do you really think that I would want something bad to happen to you? It jeopardizes any chance of working things out between us.

When I said I have to move on. I didn't mean that I don't want things to work out. I meant that I needed the space just as you did to work on ME. I needed to heal and to make myself a better person, because I know now that that's the only person I can change.

[W], honey, if you hear nothing else I have to say, hear this:
DON'T LET YOUR ANGER MAKE RASH DECISIONS THAT YOU MAY REGRET LATER ON.

I want you to be happy. I want us to be happy together. That is still my first priority. You are such a beautiful person and I love you! Please consider this. We BOTH need TIME to work these things out together. You know I still care about you.

[Me}"
</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial"> </font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">

DW panic will get you nowhere. YOU, a soldier, of all people, should know that yielding to panic is risking not only losing a battle but just possibly the war. Here's the litany against fear from Frank Herbert:

LITANY AGAINST FEAR

I must not fear.
Fear is the mind-killer.
Fear is the little-death that brings total obliteration.
I will face my fear.
I will permit it to pass over me and through me.
And when it has gone past I will turn the inner eye to see its path.
Where the fear has gone there will be nothing.
Only I will remain.

I want you to look up another military man who is a succesful marriage builder, his username is MortarMan. His courage and the application of the MB principles, is an inspiration to civilian and military alike for he to has passed thru the ordeal that you and all the rest of us BS(betrayed spouses) have gone thru. Seek him out.

REMEMBER you do not and can not control your W. She is a free individual, just like you, who entered into M of her own free will. And even if you could control her, why would you want to be married to someone like that? Isn't it better for HER to decide she wants to married to you?

I also urge you to once more read and apply Michelle Weiner Davis's 180 degree list.

You are not alone, we are here for you.

DO NOT SEND THAT PANICKED EMAIL/LETTER! Begging get's you nowhere! As a matter of fact DO NOT REPLY AT ALL! She is angry and wants to strike back. She wants you to panic. If she wanted it ALL OVER, then she would have sent out her new email address to EVERYONE, not just you and her mom. But do continue to get your name off of the joing credit cards, the last thing you want is for her to retaliate by destroying your credit.

Come on guys, give me more credit than that.
I'm not panicing, I'm venting. If I was really panicing I would have sent that letter AND called her. I've done neither. Instead, I asked for advice, and as I said, vented some.
Not a problem.
However, the questions remain.
Should I contact her at all?
TMCM, what do you think of mgm's redraft? (one rule you gave me is no "I love you"s)
The reason I seem in a hurry here is that once she decided to take action on something, she goes full board. It's friday there. If I'm to take any action (am I taking action?) then it needs to be today, before her weekend. I don't want another email on Monday with a list of rash and irreversable decisions she's made. This is about fire control right now. I know I need to head her anger off at the pass before it gets out of control, but how?

Hey Trying,
Are you saying I should let the fire burn??

Also, she could have sent that one to us only to avoid giving her or I access to any of her other contacts (very probable).

<small>[ June 06, 2003, 11:08 AM: Message edited by: Desert Wolf ]</small>

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">"TMCM, what do you think of mgm's redraft? (one rule you gave me is no "I love you"s) The reason I seem in a hurry here is that once she decided to take action on something, she goes full board. It's friday there. If I'm to take any action (am I taking action?) then it needs to be today, before her weekend. I don't want another email on Monday with a list of rash and irreversable decisions she's made. This is about fire control right now. I know I need to head her anger off at the pass before it gets out of control, but how?"</font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">I beleive that mgm did a great job in redrafting your letter and I have nothing against you sending it to her, BUT DO NOT get your hopes up that it will have the desired effect, for she is still 'in the fog' with regards to you and the OM, and the best way for you to deal with the ER is to hunker down and wait out for the storm to pass.

As I said in my last post, follow the 180 degree list (with it's no 'I love you's' included). It's purpose is to make you look strong (even though inside you may feel like a lost baby) and a person who projects strength is an attractive person. Remember that even in the animal kingdom, the animal that shows strength is respected while the animal that shows fear is eaten alive.

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial"> a person who projects strength is an attractive person.QB]</font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Ya, or looks like an [censored] or uncaring, neither of which I desire to look like.

Look, I have great faith in your wisdom. I'm only questioning because I'm not a very good blind follower. I see the purpose of what you are saying but I still have questions regarding it.

I at least see that sending a long letter would be wrong. Also, whatever I say shouldn't have as much emotion as those letters. Additionally, if I write at all I would think that someting short, to the point and above all calm would be good. I also feel that no response will be taken by her as me ignoring her (ie the [censored]) or worse, that I don't want anything to do with her. Another possibility is that she would see my silence as a confirmation of my guilt in the matter of setting her up for a fall. As you said, she is in a fog. She points her finger at me and takes little to no responsibility for this. When she was warned of the possibility of this happening, back in MN, she thought it so completely absurd and only said, "God, I hate the Army". So, as far as her owning up to the fact that she dug this pit she's in, monkeys will fly out of my butt first. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Wink]" src="images/icons/wink.gif" /> To her, it's MY command that called and therefore MY fault.
It seems that some kind of peace token must be extended but without showing weakness, as you pointed out.
My thoughts on a new email:

(directly responding to her last) "That sucks! What's going on there?"

and then leave it. I don't know, something like that.
First, it allows her to vent about it.
Second, I'm showing concern, but not too much concern. Only as a friend who see something bad happening to another friend.
Third, I'm not offering any information
and Fourth, I'm not ignoring her

Or, I could be an idiot <img border="0" title="" alt="[Smile]" src="images/icons/smile.gif" />

"back to you Coffee" <img border="0" title="" alt="[Smile]" src="images/icons/smile.gif" />

DW it's good that you question what you are told but remember that there are no guarantees that even with the best plan from the wisest person in the world, your M will be saved. You could start acting like Mother Teresa and your WW could still consider you an a$$*ole. But as long as YOU know that your responses towards her have been carefully thought out, then there is not much that you can do, except wait for her to come out the fog and express a desire for rebuilding the M.

It's obvious you are comfortable with the advice TMCM is giving you and that is great that you found someone you could relate to so quickly!! That being said...I'm throwing in my 0.02 anyway! <img border="0" title="" alt="[Wink]" src="images/icons/wink.gif" /> Never hurts to have as much info as possible, right!

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial"><strong>Originally posted by Desert Wolf:

Look, I have great faith in your wisdom. I'm only questioning because I'm not a very good blind follower. I see the purpose of what you are saying but I still have questions regarding it.</strong></font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">No one is saying you should follow their advice, they are merely offering an objective, experienced point of view. The choice of action is ultimately up to you. Have you read the information on this web site? It will help you understand where people are coming from and you won't feel like a "blind follower". <img border="0" title="" alt="[Smile]" src="images/icons/smile.gif" />

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial"><strong>
(directly responding to her last) "That sucks! What's going on there?"

and then leave it. I don't know, something like that.
First, it allows her to vent about it.
Second, I'm showing concern, but not too much concern. Only as a friend who see something bad happening to another friend.
Third, I'm not offering any information
and Fourth, I'm not ignoring her

Or, I could be an idiot <img border="0" title="" alt="[Smile]" src="images/icons/smile.gif" />

"back to you Coffee" <img border="0" title="" alt="[Smile]" src="images/icons/smile.gif" /> </strong></font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">LOL...yep that's short and to the point alright!! IMHO...

First, she may read that and get a little defensive. It does read as a little sarcastic and flippant and I know that's not what you want her to think.

Second, you are NOT just a friend and you may owe her a little more than a friend's response.

Third, even in your original draft you didn't offer alot of information. Telling her how you feel and what you want is not giving her too much information. You've not "tipped your hand" at all.

Fourth, it's good you still want to communicate with her! I just don't think a 2 liner is going to do it when you, as you claimed, are in a time constraint position. Be honest, be candid, be calm...don't be a doormat.

Well, I sent the short one.
She knows me and she knows my inflections. Well, most of the time. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Smile]" src="images/icons/smile.gif" />
I can always email more later if I feel the need.

As it is though, I'm not sure she will even be reading it with her "new" email address. Avoiding things is her MO. No real way to tell though if it's there just for her mom and I.
I almost feel I should just call and get my butt-chewing over with, only saying what I need to, staying calm and offering support.
I just don't know.
I'm real concerned about her stewing over the weekend. Bad things happen when she stews.

Yes, you can always email more later. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Smile]" src="images/icons/smile.gif" />

Now it's time to sit back and reflect on how you will recover from this, how the state of your M lead to her A, how you can be a better you! You were 100% correct when you said the only person you could change was yourself.

"Butt-chewing"?!?! Listen, you've done nothing to get chewed out for! If she's angry at you it's because she angry that the A is now exposed to the harsh light of day. You have helped to create a situation that has forced her face reality and face her responsibilities. You don't need to apologize for that!! If she wants to be angry, then let her! Your response should be calm, well thought out and it should set some boundaries about how you will and won't be treated.

She will probably stew about this and so will you. It's all part of the process (an unpleasant part). I know the latter doesn't ease your immediate concerns. So, remember this...you CAN'T control her responses, just your own. As well, you can't fix this on your own. (What is it with men that they always think they should or can fix things??? <img border="0" title="" alt="[Wink]" src="images/icons/wink.gif" /> ) This is a situation where she needs to sort her way out of the "fog" figure out what she wants and what she'll work for. During this time you need to work on yourself.

Did you get the whole story mgm? I think the thread was 7000 mile negotiation.
Anyway, you are right it's not my fault that she has to now pay the Army piper. However, I know my wife, and if she's not convinced of that, at least a little, by the time she leaves work today and goes off for the weekend, everything we've accomplished in the last few days will be for naught. Trust me, I know this to be true.
Her email address changing was a warning, a herald of things to come should they continue to slide down the slippery slope from here.

I just got an email from her though:

"> What do you mean what is going on here? In regards to my changing
> my email address or with your csm calling my csm and starting to
> throwing around article 15's?"

My response:

"I mean what's going on with both, mostly the latter. All I know is right after I get your email my csm tells me he called your csm. He said something about leaving it in your csm's hands and that was it.
So, again, what's happening? If they're trying to slam you I want to know what's going on cause I want to talk to someone!
This is bulls***!"

If she allows herself to believe the truth, even a little, there is hope.

I'm really not happy it's going down like this. This is why I protested. If the csm had to do that there are better ways. I mean it's like shooting an anti-tank missile at a single soldier! Shrapnel and problems everywhere! Not to mention I'm trying to work things out with her right now. NOT helpful.
We'll be cleaning this mess up for awhile....

Just so you know, I do understand the "7000 mile negotiation" process. My FWH is in the Navy and has been far away on many occassions and is in the "Gulf" now. I know how hard it is to communicate in a long distance relationship (especially during difficult times). I know the feelings of helplessness, frustration and lack of control as things happen very far away and you can't do a thing about it (been there, done that). I know how the "powers that be" (command) can influence things.

So, rest assured when you talk about the 7000 mile negotiation, problems with communication, anger, fog etc, etc.. I do understand and can empathize.

Yes, you will be cleaning up the mess for awhile but, there would have been a mess to clean up no matter who'd been involved.

It's good to hear of someone else who understands first hand about deployment blues. If only I had married someone that could have put her money where her mouth was. Oops, venting. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Big Grin]" src="images/icons/grin.gif" />
Your right about that mess, that's for sure.