Hi, Cerri.

I spent most of my first couple months on MB over on the EN's board. So I didn't even know you existed. I stumbled across some things that indicate you are familiar with the sex addict/compulsion topic.

I posted this yesterday on the recovery board but haven't gotten any help.

Are you familiar with other groups, methods for treatment other than 12 steps?

Thx.

H

_________________________________

(originally for absentminded professor as he had been to meetings)

Hello.

Thank you for your thread "sex addiction is not an emotional need."

I was very confused by the fact that my husband has been meeting my emotional needs better recently than ever, and I am feeling warm and fuzzy love towards him... but I have been acting out anyway.

Do you really think that 12 step groups are the only way to recovery? I have attended twelve step programs before without much success. I have trouble with admitting I am powerless. I just am very logical. I think if it is true that I am powerless then I'm not really responsible for my behaviors. And there is nothing I can do to change. Which is exactly the opposite of what I need to hear.

A bit off topic, but I saw Bruce Almighty on Friday. "God" said that the problem is that we humans want Him to do it for us. In reality we have the power to create miracles. Be the miracle. I repeated that in my head for two days before I slipped up again.

I have only found one group in my area so far and it is co-ed. That just seems unwise to me considering where I am at.

I guess I will keep looking for more groups at home tonight. I am at work so about half the sites I have tried to visit on this topic are blocked. I have been meaning to look at home for a while, but when I get online at home my mind switches gears and recovery is the last thing I want.

Some background: My husband is the only man I have slept with. It is only by the grace of God that is true though as recent attempts were foiled. I was introduced to sexual stimulation at five years old, which my therapist says is why this is an issue for me. My therapist doesn't think this is a big deal. He feels I am compensating for previous repression. But then I probably haven't been as open with him as I should about time spent, etc. And he doesn't even understand what a web cam is.

My husband is happy with my renewed interest in sexual things. Even encouraged me to cam a couple days ago. But I haven't been open about how that just makes me want to do more that he wouldn't be happy with.

I did try www.settingcaptivesfree.com a while back. They seemed way too conservative and they currently are being overwhelmed with people needing help. And hubby kept telling me I don't have a problem.

Anyway you described a meeting a little bit. If I can't find a female only meeting, do you think it would be better to attend a mixed meeting? Or perhaps an online meeting?

Thanks for any advice you can give to me.

H in PA

Hey Tempted.... just want to let you know that I do see this and will reply. I got my eyes checked today and the drops haven't worn off... so I'm having a little trouble seeing what the heck I'm doing!!

I'll be back when I can see well enough to read and think at the same time... <img border="0" title="" alt="[Roll Eyes]" src="images/icons/rolleyes.gif" />

C

Thank you for letting me know!

Hi Tempted.... sorry it took me so long to get back here... but hey, not only can I see today, but there is a brief lull in the kid chaos and some wonderful peace and quiet!

I was very confused by the fact that my husband has been meeting my emotional needs better recently than ever, and I am feeling warm and fuzzy love towards him... but I have been acting out anyway.

Sex addiction and the acting out that comes from it doesn't really tie all that closely to how you feel about your spouse. Just like those who have food addictions don't eat because they are hungry. Shopping addicts don't shop because they need more stuff. They do those things out of a compulsion. It's a way to escape from stress, fear, anxiety, change, guilt, boredom.... etc. the list goes on.

Do you really think that 12 step groups are the only way to recovery?

Certainly not! I personally am not a group person. An hour in a group would have me grinding my teeth and unable to see because of the violent headache that would bring on!! LOL

I think 12 steps groups are excellent for accountability, for validation, and for working through the shame... realizing that you are not the only one with whatever the addiction happens to be, and that there is hope for the future. I also think that you can do those things with a good coach who keeps you accountable.

A person that I work with now will do anything to stay out of a group. And that's the deal we have, he works with me, he's accountable to me, and if he begins regressing he's agreed to go to a group. For him staying out of a group is motivation to stay on track. It's whatever works for you.

I have attended twelve step programs before without much success. I have trouble with admitting I am powerless. I just am very logical. I think if it is true that I am powerless then I'm not really responsible for my behaviors.

Responsible... which you most certainly are... is entirely different from being able to control the addiction... which you cannot do. Admitting that you are powerless means that you take responsibility for putting into place safeguards that will make it difficult or impossible for you to act out.

So I can say that I am powerless over my sugar addiction. Does that absolve me and make it a free for all? No, that acknowledgment of being powerless then requires me to put up boundaries that make it impossible for me to abuse sugar or other foods. My powerlessness over that substance means that I need to not have it in the house.

If I don't acknowledge powerlessness and I fool myself into thinking I can control my actions regardless of temptation.. then there is no impetus for me to take precautions.

And there is nothing I can do to change. Which is exactly the opposite of what I need to hear.

You will always have the addiction, that's not changable. Big deal. We all have addictions. What we can change is how we behave.

A bit off topic, but I saw Bruce Almighty on Friday. "God" said that the problem is that we humans want Him to do it for us. In reality we have the power to create miracles. Be the miracle. I repeated that in my head for two days before I slipped up again.

Always remember that creating miracles takes work. Hard work. To create the miracle of recovery you need to take actions that make it not only possible but likely. Much of that is acknowledging and removing the conditons that trigger the acting out. I don't buy chocolate and keep it in the house. Alcoholics don't hang out at the bar or the liquor store. Gamblers don't read the horse stats... See what I mean?

I have only found one group in my area so far and it is co-ed. That just seems unwise to me considering where I am at.

I would agree. When we were dealing with this issue a same sex group was the only option.

I guess I will keep looking for more groups at home tonight.

Do you have this link? http://www.sexaa.org/meetings.htm

I have been meaning to look at home for a while, but when I get online at home my mind switches gears and recovery is the last thing I want.

That tells me that there are triggering conditions at home that need to be addressed.

I was introduced to sexual stimulation at five years old, which my therapist says is why this is an issue for me.

Yeah ok. But are you going to blame your behavior as an adult on what happened when you were 5? That's finding excuses for inappropriate behavior. I was ritually and sexually abused as a child. I can do with that experience whatever I choose, and for me that means learning to reach out, be compassionate to others in pain, and to work against those ever happening to someone else.

My therapist doesn't think this is a big deal. He feels I am compensating for previous repression.

Hmmmmmm..... and where would one draw the line then? I'm a big advocate of personal responsibility. I believe that we all have the obligation to do the best we can with what we have, and when we struggle.. as we all do... then we find ways to behave with integrity and ethics. I don't ever buy into the idea that having a "disability" is an excuse for bad behavior.

But then I probably haven't been as open with him as I should about time spent, etc. And he doesn't even understand what a web cam is.

Maybe this therapist is not a good fit if you want to recover?

My husband is happy with my renewed interest in sexual things. Even encouraged me to cam a couple days ago. But I haven't been open about how that just makes me want to do more that he wouldn't be happy with.

Then you need to do that. It's valuable information that he needs to have so that the two of you can make decisions that are in the best interest of your marriage. Making good decisions always requires good complete information.

And hubby kept telling me I don't have a problem.

But he's not basing that statement on all the information available.

Anyway you described a meeting a little bit. If I can't find a female only meeting, do you think it would be better to attend a mixed meeting? Or perhaps an online meeting?

I would look for a different coach or therapist who understands addiction in general and sexual addiction in particular. Have you been to Patrick Carnes site: www.sexhelp.com ?

Thanks for any advice you can give to me.

Very welcome. Let me know if there's anything else I can answer for you.

C

Thanks, Cerri.

Okay, I was just going to let this go, but felt the need to read your advice today again. And a few thoughts came to mind. So fwiw:

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Originally posted by cerri:

Sex addiction and the acting out that comes from it doesn't really tie all that closely to how you feel about your spouse... They do those things out of a compulsion. It's a way to escape from stress, fear, anxiety, change, guilt, boredom.... etc. the list goes on.

I have been taking those self-tests and my behaviors and reactions indicate a 98% likelihood of addiction. But just within the last week, I seem to be burning out. I just kind of feel sick to my stomach and dread going online at home now. One thing I read mentioned two years of behavior to get the s.a. dx. That seems long but I have only been doing this since January.

Also I started playing with this stuff in an effort to up my libido. I came to understand that for the sake of my relationship I needed to have sex with my husband more regularly. But I hadn't really had any sort of drive for more than five years. Reading erotic stories online helped to get me aroused. I did the setting captives free stuff and quit reading stories. No drive again. Started chatting online in January. Yeah, drive is back. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Roll Eyes]" src="images/icons/rolleyes.gif" />

I can't seem to figure out how to desire my husband. It just isn't happening without polluting it with outside stuff. Which I then want to get carried away with. But I am so tired of duty sex. I'd like to actually want my husband. <img border="0" alt="[Teary]" title="" src="graemlins/teary.gif" />

I also think that you can do those things with a good coach who keeps you accountable. ...
It's whatever works for you.

I saw a program on www.understandingsexualaddiction.com that looks interesting. But they are adamant that you have to be strongly motivated and committed to recovering for them to put their time into you. Prior to this week that was definitely not the case. This week I am starting to think maybe. I kind of think I need a pre-program. Something to get me motivated to want to do recovery.

Maybe I am sort of doing that. I am planning to go to a weekly women's group at my church that is working through the book Untangling Relationships, A Christian Perspective on Codependency . I skipped the first meeting last week to cam. on the computer. Tonight I am going to go. Come to think of it, the nausea about going online developed after I did this weeks lessons.

One of this weeks lessons dealt with lack of objectivity and defense tactics to prevent objectivity. One of those defense tactics I am guilty of is daydreaming. I was worried that I might just throw my life away by pursuing on of my offers for a new life that I receive regularly. Doing this weeks lesson I realized I already am throwing my life away - one minute at a time - by daydreaming about escaping.

Admitting that you are powerless means that you take responsibility for putting into place safeguards that will make it difficult or impossible for you to act out.

Analogy about powerlessness and responsibility
(sorry my first major in college was engineering)

gravity = sexual temptation
falling off cliffs = sexual acting out

I am powerless over gravity. But I am not powerless over falling off of cliffs. I can just not hang out at the top of cliffs. Not hanging out by cliffs does not give me power over gravity. (I think the fallacy in my previous thinking.) But it does give me power over falling. It is my responsibility to not hang out on cliffs. <insert lightbulb graemlin here> <img border="0" title="" alt="[Razz]" src="images/icons/tongue.gif" />

Tieing this together. I still need to figure out how to have SF with hubby, not on a cliff.

Always remember that creating miracles takes work. Hard work.

Just what I need. More work. sigh..

That tells me that there are triggering conditions at home that need to be addressed. I do tend to chat to escape. I escape the unpacking and cleaning I should be doing. I avoid the fact I want to just LB and tear into my husband for the years he wasn't responsible. The years he/we didn't go to church. The years I tried unsuccessfully to support us financially. The emotionally abusive acid he used to pour on me regularly.

My therapist said more than fifty percent of the affairs he has scene were for revenge. That is how he tells me without making me defensive, that is really why I am tempted by that scenario in particular.

I was ritually and sexually abused as a child.

Thank you for sharing that. I should heed your advice even if you had the most perfect childhood possible. But it helps me for some reason.

Maybe this therapist is not a good fit if you want to recover?

My first two therapists reached impasses because I refused to even threaten divorcing my husband.

This therapist is more concerned with my mental well-being than with my marriage. He said my sexual acting out was compensating for my repression and elevating my ego. But cautioned that taken too far, exceeding my morals and values consistently would severely bring my ego back down.

He is willing to take baby steps with me when he thinks a large step would cause me to become defensive.

Very welcome. Let me know if there's anything else I can answer for you.

C</font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Well, I'm not sure if there is anything in there that you can address. But I found it helpful to have to take my swirling thoughts and define them onto paper.

Thanks again.

H in PA

T33.... Could the reason you don't desire your husband be more a function of the things that he is or isn't doing than something that's wrong with you?

For women to desire their spouses they need to feel safe, cared for, cherished, heard, validated.... and more. If you are not in love with your spouse, that is their failure, not yours.

Email me if you like... info@lifeworks-coaching.net

C

Cerri,

I will try to remember to e-mail you from at home tomorrow. I can't think of any more questions right now. But if you had anything you wanted to tell me or ask me that doesn't belong here you could do so.

If my daughter is home, I plan to not get online tonight at all. We'll see.

Thx.

tempted33