It's such a unique situation, war. Even more unique with regards to this. Sometimes, it changes everything, especially Plan A, out of necessity. I don't think anyone would 2X4 me for this (but you never know do ya?) <img border="0" title="" alt="[Smile]" src="images/icons/smile.gif" />

"You must be so angry right now. I feel so bad for you, I really do. I would never have wished this for you. Especially now! Isn't that just the kind of messed up timing we've had for most of our marriage? It figures.

Just when I was learning to respect your decisions, not to push, patience, and to give myself space as well to work on me. That's the only person I can change anyway, isn't it. I felt that I was learning to become the person you needed me to be as well as the person I needed me to be. And now this rediculous fiasco. As if things weren't complicated enough.

I'm not sure this is going to matter now though. I feel the blame coming from your emails and I know you well enough to know that if you feel that I'm responsible for something like what our commands are probably doing that you will feel a strong urge to throw everything in the garbage and wash your hands of it all.

Do you think I'm that stupid, that I would be responsible for this? If you do, then why did I just give up SF in favor of an AGR packet? I'm not going to throw a wrench like this into my hopes for working things out eventually. I'll leave that up to the army, they've done a pretty good job so far haven't they? I'm having a talk with my CSM tomorrow. I'm not sure if it will do any good, but I'm going to try.

[W], honey, if you hear nothing else I have to say, hear this:

DON'T LET YOUR ANGER MAKE RASH DECISIONS THAT YOU MAY REGRET LATER ON.

I want you to be happy. I want us to be happy together. That is still my first priority. My marriage counseling and bettering myself is part of that. You are such a beautiful person, don't let all of this change who you really are. Please consider this.

We BOTH need TIME to work these things out together. You know I still care about you.

-------------------

"In other news"......

I'm heading up to Baghdad shortly on convoy. I can't say when since we don't know yet for sure. Sometime within the next few days. I'm not sure if I'll be here when your week starts. I kind of hope so, cause I'd like to call you before I go. I know I promised no more bullet magnet action, but it's not really a choice this time. They need an experience infantryman [my previous job in the army] up there in that turret for this one. Intel reports a 40% chance of getting hit. Our S-2 complained to me of losing sleep over some things that were worrying him about this one. He wouldn't (or couldn't) say what though. It probably has something to do with all of those rocket attacks he's mapped out with little tabs up and down the MSR recently. Please understand that I'm not trying to worry you with this. I'm telling you because I want you to understand why I'm going to break a rule I have, and tell you that I love you very much. You'll probably laugh at this and say that I'm over-reacting, which is fine. I know none of you sitting back there has any notion of the reality of this place. [except the vets of course] And you shouldn't have to, that's why we're here. So I forgive you all for it. I understand how "notional" it is for you, just as it was notional for me when I was there watching the news reports on this conflict and that, having no real clue what really facing these things is like.
Have you ever been in a fist-fight [W]? I'm guessing not, but then again I'm sure there's a lot I still don't know about you. I'm hoping to change that about us someday (hey, let me hope right?). Anyway, when you get in a fight and the first hit lands on you, you are instantly shocked into the reality of the situation, you get a real quick wakeup call. "Holy sh*t, this is real!", you think. Before the contact it was just an idea. Well, we've all had our wakeup calls here, whether it was watching the bodies come off the plane as we were leaving, or it was having to keep the drapes closed on the bus so we didn't get hit by a sniper, or our first SCUD attack when we all had to wait in our MOPP gear and we all had plenty of time to think "somethings really coming at us" and "am I going to die now?". Things really get put into perspective then. You think about all the little things you took for granted before and how stupid you were for doing that. You think about all the things you didn't say and should have.
Well, it's that time again now. The time where I think about what I would regret not having said. For now it's only going to be that I love you. I'm fairly sure we aren't leaving tomorrow, so I would like to say a lot more then.

I hope you are having a good weekend despite this crap.

Eric"

Well, I surprisingly got a reply this weekend yet:

"I am really upset, and I know that you don't want to press charges and I wouldn't want to deal with all of this through the military. And in a way I do blame you for freaking out and talking to people and I guess I don't know whether or not you went to your csm and gave him names or if someone else did but he knew.... but anyway I just talked to Rivera and he said that your unit can't push my unit into making something out of it if neither one of us wants to make anything out of it. My unit can decide to do something but it would be really hard to prove unless they had proof of some sort. I guess if it comes down to it I wouldn't want to have to lie but I really believe that this is something that should stay between you and I and that the army really doesn't have anything to do with our relationship no matter what. So unless you are going to want to press charges... But then again looking at our history together (living together while you

Anyway like I said in the email earlier I will be here all weekend so my cell phone won't be working. This afternoon we will be around until 3 and then we are having a brigade softball game and picnic and then tomorrow (sunday) we are having a fun run and confidence course team building and then a dining in tomorrow night. But I'll be back up in headquarters at 9 on Monday morning. I guess at this point it would be kinda nice to touch base with you and see where you are at as far as all this goes and what we need to get done so that this doesn't get out of control. I gotta run"

It looks to me that she is trying to be nice in an effort to enlist my aid in stopping this. Selfish motivations in other words. I was planning on talking to my csm about this, but although I never wanted charges brought up, I still feel that they should be separated. In fact, if I'm not mistaken, they are required by law to separate them whether charges are brought or not.
I like how she curbed her tongue from lashing out about our less than perfect marriage in order to stay on my good side. That figures.
I'm not sure how I'm going to respond to this yet. I kind of wish everybody (those that have been helping me) weren't away for the weekend. Here, there is no such thing. Every day is a work day when you are deployed. No holidays, no vacations, no weekends. Be thankful you have them.
Well, I have a lot to do to separate my finances (in order to protect myself) so I'd better get going. Also, I need to figure out what I need to say before I leave on this convoy to Baghdad. More rocket attacks today. Several men lost their lives.

Take care everyone and thanks for your help. You've all made a big difference in my life.

Eric

Eric,

I don't know you but have been told I have good ear. It does sound as though she's trying to patronize you into going easy on her. It is my opinion that if youa are in plan B...that ensuring her separation from this man by informing and exposing this affair...even to her superior officers is the MB way. Don't feel guilty about it. The whole purpose of this process is to end affairs and preserve marriages. My thoughts and prayers will be with you in Bagdad. hugs.

My prayers are with you. A

The more and more I thought about this response of hers the more angry I got. I'm fed up. I've had it. This is completely unacceptable.
Those were possibly the last words she had for me and all she said, in a nutshell, was: "So? What are you going to do for me?".
I'm this close to writing her off all together. The only thing from stopping me right now is a letter her mom sent me, saying how great it was that I was seeking help (she's impressed with this site btw) and how I haven't given up etc.
But this, this response of my W's, is soulless. How can someone be that selfish, remorseless and heartless? Do I want that in my life?? Will it ever change? I'm about at the end here. I've obviously got bigger things to face here in the desert than her cr*p.

In the meantime, I've separated my bills, finances etc etc from her. There will be some transitional money and I can only hope she won't screw me out of that. We'll see. She still blames me for her mistake and resulting prosecution by the army. I wouldn't put revenge past her. At this point I don't see her stopping at anything to hurt me. She's done pretty good so far.

I did write her back. I told her that it appears that this is between her and the army now and that I can do nothing (I'm guessing she will drop me like a hot rock after that since she has no use for me). I also conveyed my dissapointment in her response and let her know that she wouldn't have to worry about my finances anymore once the pay change kicked in.

I'm guessing that this is it. She doesn't give a damn about me so I don't see any reason why she'll bother with me anymore.

DW,

Don't get discouraged...I know it is easier said than done! You are ANGRY and you have every right to be !!! Just don't let your anger and emotions cause you to do and say things you may not mean...take it from someone who knows and unfortunatley has regrets! Although, I shouldn't have regrets since it was my h who had the affair, just like it was your wife who had the A.
Just take a moment and step back. You sound a lot like me, you want a quick fix and things to go back to normal and the way they were. Just relax...I KNOW it is so hard. But, if you can just do it!

She did this, she made this mess, not YOU! Don't let her twist things around. The military IMHO is not doing enough to those that commit adultery. She has to face the consequences of her actions. Do not feel bad for anything that you have done. You are trying to save something precious from 7000 miles away! Just keep your chin up and know that people over here are pullin for ya!!

Truth

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Originally posted by Desert Wolf:
<strong>The more and more I thought about this response of hers the more angry I got. I'm fed up. I've had it. This is completely unacceptable.
Those were possibly the last words she had for me and all she said, in a nutshell, was: "So? What are you going to do for me?".</strong></font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Yes, being angry is ok...I'd be shocked if you weren't! Yes, this is completely unacceptable. Yes, she has her head so far up her a** she can't see straight! Don't you see...you are expecting rational thought processes from someone who is addicted to feelings the A has created...a "junkie"!?!? At this point you aren't not dealing with the W you knew.

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Originally posted by Desert Wolf:
<strong>
I'm this close to writing her off all together. The only thing from stopping me right now is a letter her mom sent me, saying how great it was that I was seeking help (she's impressed with this site btw) and how I haven't given up etc.
But this, this response of my W's, is soulless. How can someone be that selfish, remorseless and heartless? Do I want that in my life?? Will it ever change? I'm about at the end here. I've obviously got bigger things to face here in the desert than her cr*p.</strong></font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Again, the only one you can change is yourself (which you are doing). Now, 2x4 time! <img border="0" title="" alt="[Wink]" src="images/icons/wink.gif" /> Your MIL was very thoughtful to send you that note but, don't use her as an excuse to "hang on". Do this for yourself. Who was it that said he didn't want his W making any rash decisions that she may regret later??? You are in the middle of a painful process (not aided by the distance), this process may go one of two ways. You stay M and work through this or you D. IMHO, you have NOT done everything you can possibly do to save this M. What she does is up to her, but you need to do your part, which doesn't involve any rash decisions.[/QB][/QUOTE]

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Originally posted by Desert Wolf:
<strong>
In the meantime, I've separated my bills, finances etc etc from her. There will be some transitional money and I can only hope she won't screw me out of that. We'll see. She still blames me for her mistake and resulting prosecution by the army. I wouldn't put revenge past her. At this point I don't see her stopping at anything to hurt me. She's done pretty good so far.</strong></font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Good plan re: your finances...you must protect yourself. Her blaming you is a fairly typical response/tactic for a WS. It's always easier to point a finger away from herself than it is to point it towards herself. That would mean she would have to take responsibility for her actions and she isn't ready for that (and may never be).

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Originally posted by Desert Wolf:
<strong>
I did write her back. I told her that it appears that this is between her and the army now and that I can do nothing (I'm guessing she will drop me like a hot rock after that since she has no use for me). I also conveyed my disappointment in her response and let her know that she wouldn't have to worry about my finances anymore once the pay change kicked in.

I'm guessing that this is it. She doesn't give a damn about me so I don't see any reason why she'll bother with me anymore.</strong></font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">It's sad that you are ready to give up so easily, that you aren't prepared to fight for your M. Do you think you are the only one who's had to fight for their M over a long distance? Do you think you are the only one whose had to deal with a WS who treated them terribly, took advantage of them etc., etc..

Maybe, I'm trying to goad you into fighting for your M. I know (based on your field of operations) you are tired, stressed and overwhelmed at times. Try not to let those factors cloud your judgment or let you make impulsive decisions. As I said this is a long healing process (years worth). Your M may not survive but, you should be able to stay or walk away saying to yourself "I did everything I could possibly do to make this M work." You can't say that at this point. Your M could survive...mine did.

DW:

"No holidays, no vacations, no weekends. Be thankful you have them. "

We have them precisely because of people like you. Believe me, I, for one, appreciate what you are doing.

-2long.

DW--how are you today? Just checking on you and hoping you are safe over there!

Let us know when you can.

T

I'm packing today, leaving tomorrow on mission.
All your points are well taken and, yes, I was forgetting that she is not the same person. However, on the other hand I have a job to do right now, people's lives will depend on me over the next couple days. I'm on this mission for just that one purpose, bring everyone home. I have to focus. I'm taking a break from all of this and concentrating on the mission. Additionally, we've just had another "casualty" in our unit and I think you'll be seeing here shortly. Same as me, except he has two kids. The chaplain assures us that there will be more like us before we leave here. I've been talking to him and trying to teach him about my mistakes when I went home on leave to work things out so he doesn't do the same. I told him about this site and what I've been learning. He was impressed with how accurate it was, how everything I told him matched up precisely with what was going on and how he was feeling. I hope he does show up here. He needs it.
Anyway, back to my stuff, I'm not giving up, thank you for reminding me. But, I am cutting all of this loose until I'm in a better position to deal with it. She'll get a good dose of time to think about things while I'm gone, and if something happens to me, well....that would be unfortunate for her I think.
All my affairs are in order, I'm ready to go.
Thanks again to all of you for your help and encouragement. I AM listening and I am leaving room for her to come back if she wants to. I'll contact you if/when I get to my next destination.

Eric
Staff Sergeant, US Army
Special Operations Command
Operation Iraqi Freedom

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Originally posted by Desert Wolf:
<strong>Additionally, we've just had another "casualty" in our unit and I think you'll be seeing here shortly. Same as me, except he has two kids. The chaplain assures us that there will be more like us before we leave here. I've been talking to him and trying to teach him about my mistakes when I went home on leave to work things out so he doesn't do the same. I told him about this site and what I've been learning. He was impressed with how accurate it was, how everything I told him matched up precisely with what was going on and how he was feeling. I hope he does show up here. He needs it.</strong></font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Send him this way!! <img border="0" title="" alt="[Smile]" src="images/icons/smile.gif" /> Hope he finds the support, advice and empathy he needs! If the chaplain is aware that there will be more, does he/she know about this site? It may be a useful tool to him/her in offering guidance to BS's.

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Originally posted by Desert Wolf:
<strong>
Anyway, back to my stuff, I'm not giving up, thank you for reminding me. But, I am cutting all of this loose until I'm in a better position to deal with it. She'll get a good dose of time to think about things while I'm gone, and if something happens to me, well....that would be unfortunate for her I think.
All my affairs are in order, I'm ready to go.
Thanks again to all of you for your help and encouragement. I AM listening and I am leaving room for her to come back if she wants to. I'll contact you if/when I get to my next destination.

Eric
Staff Sergeant, US Army
Special Operations Command
Operation Iraqi Freedom</strong></font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Good plan Eric, do what you need to do to keep yourself and the other's safe. During that time, take care of yourself, be good to yourself and focus on each day...not the long road ahead. Stay safe and work on making you a better person! Remember (again), you can't change or fix anyone but yourself!!

God be with you and thanks again to you and all the other service people over there for what you are doing.

<small>[ June 11, 2003, 03:31 PM: Message edited by: mgm ]</small>

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Originally posted by 2long:
<strong>DW:

"No holidays, no vacations, no weekends. Be thankful you have them. "

We have them precisely because of people like you. Believe me, I, for one, appreciate what you are doing.

-2long.</strong></font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">YES! YES! YES! I too am grateful to the past, present and future men and women of our armed services for their sacrifices on behalf of our country. May God always bless them always.