D-day was 12 months ago. WH's A was 2 years with a woman 19 years younger than him (42). OW lives in our small town. Last night we ran a Police disco for the school aged children in the town. OW used to help run the disco during the A. Last night we didnt expect her to go (she hasnt been for the last 10 months) She turned up, didnt try to avoid me or H. (didnt speak to me but spoke to H) then stayed until after the clean up. I felt very uncomfortable, but OW and H didnt appear to be.

After loading all the equipment in the van at the end of the night she stood talking to our workmates and friends at the back door of the van. I had nowhere to go so just wandered around outside alone. When she was still there a while later I used another door and left. One of our friends gave her a lift home.

I just feel that no-one including H stands up for me. I would have liked H or someone to tell her she wasnt welcome. Even if she had stayed at least I would have felt supported. I cant talk to H about it because he has now adopted the "the A has been over for a year, get over it, I wont talk about it anymore" attitude.

Any advice? I feel like i'm slowly going crazy.
Robyn

<small>[ June 07, 2003, 09:34 PM: Message edited by: robyn1965 ]</small>

Ouch. Of course it bothered you. It would probably bother 99.9% of the people out there. I'd be angry as all get out.

Did your husband pledge no contact with this woman? If so, that's a horrible breach of his promise. If not, you should consider discussing that with him.

Also, he must be told how his behavior made you feel. That was really insensative.

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Originally posted by robyn1965:
<strong>I cant talk to H about it because he has now adopted the "the A has been over for a year, get over it, I wont talk about it anymore" attitude.
</strong></font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Not acceptable. What he did last night gave you every reason in the world to second guess his sincerity.

Have you read Torn ASunder? The author says it takes as long as the Affair lasted for the spouse to recover. So tell your H you have at least a year to go. It also says that if one of the partners doesn't feel like talking about it, it hasn't been talked about enough. He is being very unrealistic.

Have you had counseling? It's almost impossible to recover without it. Don't do what I did and brush it aside too quickly. It comes back much worse later. Your H HAS to feel all of your pain in order to prevent another affair. He's being selfish in my opinion.

Thanks Wiegee and Maggierose
No we didnt do NC, didnt find MB's for ages. A ended on D-day and since then there has only been contact on 3 occassions (1 to ask a loan to be repaid, once accidental and last night).

We did see a counsellor for 8 months then she said that we were doing well and could do the rest alone. But I feel things have gone a little bit backwards since then.

My H is remourseful and a much better H and father than ever before but I dont feel he really understands how badly this has effected me. I asked him how he would feel if our roles were reversed and he said he would understand why I had an affair. But that's just it I dont understand and know I probably never will. But he doesnt seem to want to understand what i'm going through. He is your classic conflict avoider.
Sometimes I wonder if this is all there is to life?
Robyn

<small>[ June 07, 2003, 09:31 PM: Message edited by: robyn1965 ]</small>

Robyn,

After an affair most WS want forgiveness...here's how Harley describes that process:

Using this meaning of forgiveness, the person asking to be forgiven must first demonstrate an awareness of how inconsiderate the act was and how much pain his or her spouse was made to suffer. Second, he or she must express some plan to assure the forgiver that steps have been taken to avoid the painful act in the future. As it turns out, it's the successful completion of that plan that's the compensation that leads to "forgiveness." Learning to meet each other's most important emotional needs is the plan that usually does the trick.

I think you got the first part of this...your H was remorseful, but the second part...his PLAN to protect you in the future...you have not gotten

But, unlike the repayment of $10,000, where payee suffers a $10,000 loss in order to provide compensation, in marriage, the compensation does not lead to a loss. He should learn how to meet your important emotional needs, but do it in a way that would not cause him to suffer. The Policy of Joint Agreement guarantees that. Whenever you follow that policy, you learn to please each other in ways that are mutually enjoyable. I'd say that's reasonable compensation, wouldn't you?

Speaking of the Policy of Joint Agreement, there's another important point that I should make regarding forgiveness. When you discovered your husband's affair, you learned two things about him that you had not known before. You learned that he would make decisions that did not take your feelings into account (having the affair), and you learned that he would lie about his behavior to cover it up. In other words, you learned that he was not following the Policy of Joint Agreement or the Policy of Radical Honesty. That discovery was undoubtedly very disillusioning to you. Who wants to be married to a man who is inconsiderate and dishonest?

Now you are trying to create a new understanding with your husband, where he will agree to follow the Policy of Joint Agreement and the Policy of Radical Honesty. Good for you! Apparently, he has not yet agreed to these important issues, and that has a great deal to do with your reluctance to forgive him. I'm sure you will not find forgiveness in your heart until he agrees to be honest with you, and to take your feelings into account in the future.

But forgiveness will be much easier after you are convinced that your husband considers your feelings whenever he makes a decision (follows the Policy of Joint Agreement), is completely honest with you about everything (follows the Policy of Radical Honesty), and is meeting your important emotional needs. For you to be convinced, he must not only agree to these changes, but he must also demonstrate his commitment by living them for a while. Forgiveness may still require a bit of generosity on your part, but if he makes these changes, I think you'll be able to handle it. When that happens, the burden of resentment you are carrying will be lifted, and the love you have for each other will be restored.

If you follow the policy of Radical Honesty...and you should if you are going to build a good marriage...it is ESSENTIAL that you tell him how these current events made you feel. Make it simple, make it clear...avoid overly emotional explanations....like this:
H, it made me extremely uncomfortable and unhappy that you spoke to OW at the event the other night. What kind of plan can we agree on to make sure that never happens again? If he gets angry and LB's....do not LB back. Go on to say that while you are willing to move past this affair that it remains hurtful to you and you feel abandoned when he doesn't protect you.
Then, safely, follow the rules of negotiation... and figure out how you will address these kinds of issues in the future. I'm not sure asking her to leave will be something he will agree to (but would be great if he does), but expecting him to leave with you certainly is reasonable. Part of compensating you for this affair and a reasonable desire considering you we willing to forgive him...is to make you feel safe. And you don't.

The other thing Robyn, is don't depend on anyone else to understand what you feel....probably everyone there was uncomfortable and confused about what to do. You walk right up to this woman and say....I find this very uncomfortable, please have good enough manners not make this more difficult. No threats, you don't have to be pissy or ugly about it...just be matter of fact. But don't whisper it, use a normal voice...if a few people hear...well that will just send the message home a little better...don't cha think? You have every right to keep this woman from your husband...just don't make a scene...do it with class.