After 13 years together (10 married) my wife confessed to an affair with another married man. Its been 3 months since she addmited to the affair and moved out. I've recieved virtualy no acknowledgement of that affair as being wrong and hurtful towards me other than during her confession. She has continued to call and we saw each other once a week.

Finaly this week I found out from the other mans wife that he's dumping my wife. I've been told he's not sure what he wants but knows the affair is wrong and from what I've heard from the interaction with his wife indicates they have a chance.(destroying gifts, putting the ring back on her finger,opening up to her about the affair, telling family and friends of his ending the affair)

When I met my wife just after her being dumped I was met with a world of anger and blam directed towards me and everyone in her world but herself. If your not supporting her affair and decision to leave the marriage without attempting counsling or open discussions about our problems with me your against her ie family, friends. To this point she has had no contact with anyone that would represent a friend of the marriage or that would disaprove of her actions. She now says that she doesn't care who knows what happened and that her true friends will support her. I think what she ment to say was "Enable Her". I was told to move on, to much time has past for us etc.

Is it normal for her to blow up at the world, gravitate to those that support her (most are old distant friends, recently separated girlfrieds and generaly people that don't know us) and push me along with our marriage away?

I've been building up the love bank by keeping our contact possative and trying to fufill her emotional needs with the little interaction we've had. BTW she has never said that she doesn't love me and when we last met and agreed not to talk (remember I've not been calling her) I felt this may be good-bye so I said "good-bye" but she did't respond back.

At this point if she phones again should I continue to fill the love bank while she's dealing with the fall out of being dumped by her affair partner?

As it's only been 3 months since she left and her affair appears to be breaking I'm strong enough to play the roll of the other man in her life (that's what it feels like) and still move on myself. Had my first date and it felt good.

As for me.

36 year old male
no children
financialy independant

I'm strong enough to play the roll of the other man in her life
You AREN"T the other man, you are the husband and should act like it.

still move on myself. Had my first date and it felt good.
Course it felt good. Now you know how your wife felt in her affair and why it continued.

Are you moving on or remaining married? Can't do both.

If you're moving on, then get a divorce. If you are NOT moving on, don't date.

<small>[ June 09, 2003, 11:37 AM: Message edited by: Chris -CA123 ]</small>

Your right Chris - I'm her husband and I'm trying to be just that. I just ment it feels like I'm the other man some times.

As for the date I actualy got stood up but the process felt good. Your reaction to my dating has been repeated by others. Some say hang in there and others say go forward. I've decided not to continue to date as yet but I now know how easy it will be to get back in the game.

I'm going to remain strong and focused on my marriage. Why give up now when the affair is crumbling around her.

Thanks for your input

You have to decide what you want. If you want your wife then you'll have to work towards that and don't expect a damn thing from her. She obviously has a lot of issues with herself the she needs to work. This is important: it is not you who has to work on her issues.

If you want her back or don't know what you want don't date or get any emotional involvement with any woman. Big mistake.

Read up on Plan A and Plan B. Don't make it too easy on her. Set your boundaries and stick to your guns.