I could really use some advice please. Five months after D-Day, WH has finally agreed to see a marriage counselor with me. Prior to this, WH has been in individual counseling since shortly before D-Day but wasn’t willing to see a marriage counselor (he just wanted to work on himself). I don’t want to fool myself into hoping for a miracle cure, but this is very encouraging to me. However, I have read the posts regarding dreamsoften (whose marriage counselor didn’t seem to give her any hope) and have read the article about how therapy can be hazardous to your marital health. This scares me to death; I’m very nervous about getting involved with someone who could lead us down the wrong path. In my area there seem to be quite a few individual therapists who also do some marriage counseling on the side (exactly who the article warns against). I did find one person who has had training in Imago Relationship Therapy. Can anyone give me advice about this type of therapy? Would you consider it “pro-marriage” (as opposed to the horror stories in the article)? I would sincerely appreciate some advice on this. I feel like this could be our last chance!

Here’s a little background if it helps: WH had 6-month A with mutual “good friend.” D-Day 1/2/03. I’ve been doing a pretty good Plan A since then. WH has had limited contact with OW since then, with NC at all for past 6 weeks, but he isn’t fully committed to it yet. He’s still pretty deep in the fog. WH announced last week that he feels we need to get separated so he can have some space, “to sort out his issues and get to know himself” (I’m assuming this is fog-speak for wanting to “legitimately” spend time with OW). I’ve been trying to convince WH that separating should be a last resort; we need to do give our relationship our best shot before we go down that slippery slope. (We have two children, and separating would be very traumatic for them.) He does have some ambivalence about it; he waffles back and forth. But mostly he thinks it’s not that big a deal, and whatever happens, happens. To top it all off, WH announced this weekend that he had “made a commitment to the OW, and he owes it to her to give their relationship a chance.” (As if he didn’t make a commitment when he married me!)

I’d appreciate some quick advice. I need to set something up right away, before he changes his mind! Thank you so much.

Me - BS (Female, 45)
WH - 51
2 kids (D-13, S-10)
6 mo. A with wife of a couple we were very friendly with
D-Day - 1/2/03 (her husband found out and revealed it to me)
Limited contact w/ OW since
WH now feels he needs “space” but has finally agreed to MC

My spouse and I learned a bunch from counseling. How to communicate, it gets muddled with time. Through the years we add some stress and do not work on the skills needed to maintain and build our marriages. The kinds of love busters we incorporate through all of this time, makes us in the predicament we are in today. If we were working together doing the marriage building all along maybe we wouldn't have the A's and the EA's. But the point is we are here now. Get as much support as you can and see if you can not pull him back in somehow. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Cool]" src="images/icons/cool.gif" />

Thanks. I am hopeful, just by the fact that WH has finally agreed to marriage counseling. I just very nervous about finding the right person to help us, I want to avoid the horror stories I've read about where the wrong therapist can actually makes things worse (or encourage WS to "do whatever he needs to make himself happy"). Apparently the OW has been in individual counseling, and her therapist agreed with her that if the passion is gone from her marriage and she can find it with someone else (my H!) then maybe that's the right thing. That's what I'm afraid of! (Hence my question about Imago Relationship Counseling...)

We looked for a Christian based, specific to our particular problems therapist.

Use your judgement, is the person fair minded and helpful or biased and not directing you well. There are plenty to choose from. I didn't settle for the first pediatrician , I called and visited and asked a drone of questions!!

We did Imago Therapy. It works wonders BUT only if both parties are willing to do the work. The only way to find out is to try it. My x was so far in denial and unwilling to take an honest inventory of himself. We basically took turns. One week it was my turn and the next week it was his turn. I grew and was able to see more clearly why I was the way I was and why he was the way he was. But he remained (and still remains) fogged. We did weekly counseling for 9 months straight then weened down to every couple weeks for a couple more months. I feel we had reached a plateau and we were not going anywhere else mainly because of his unwillingness to do the work. However, I do not feel it was a waste of time or money because of how much it helped me.

Dear BS in NE
I agree that you should try to jump in now and try to get your H into MC.
If you want a local recommendation, you might ask your friends if they know anyone. Your family doctor may also help.
Altho my H went willingly to MC, he never really participated, but I still think it's a good idea to try.
I also found that my session with Steve Harley was very helpful. Good Luck!!!

Try Steve Harley if he will go for it. My WS still quotes his one session, yes, one session with Steve Harley. Also, Steve was a godsend for me alone.

BTW, 10 years ago my WS and I went to IMAGO weekend with the man who wrote the book. It was very helpful. My WS held his feelings inside though. One thing good about this approach is they stress NO EXIT to marriage so it is marriage-focused.

Hang in there. Great that your spouse is interested in MC.