This looks like a great site, I hope you can help me.
I'm a sex addict - bisexual. For the past 17 years of our marriage, I have had anonymous sex with men where ever I could find them. Part of the addictive behavior has made me controlling and manipulating to my spouse. She would say emotionally abusive, and she would probably be right. We're individually in counselling now. She says as far as she is concerned the marriage is over and she is moving on. Over the past two years she has had two affairs and 5 f*** buddies. She is currently dating and spent the night with her new boyfriend last Saturday while I stayed at the house and kept the kids. I have not acted out in my addiction since January although the thoughts are still there, and when I get mad, I still am verbally abusive, although it seems to go both ways now. I have moved out - to a hotel until I find an apartment but I come over every day to take care of the kids while she is at work, and I try to do things around the house. I'm trying to be her friend and so I've had to listen to information about her sexual exploits. After the first affair, (she wanted to have both of us) ended - because he was a jerk and got fired from his job with her) I thought things were going better.

I know most of the fault is mine, and I know I've inflicted pain but she won't even admit we had any good times or that there was ever love between us. She thinks we're both JUST codependent and had she been healthy, she never would have married me.

I still love her and want to be with her and I want to be with my kids. I've read some books,
- How One of you Can Make Two stronger, Reconciling with your Partner, both about how one person can make a difference - but maybe I'm expecting too much or too much too fast. She says she'll never see me as anyone but the person who abused her, and she thinks I'm gay. I think I'm bisexual, but the addiction makes it worse. I also think we could save our marriage if we would try. I love her and she's my best friend.

I know this is long, but any help would be greatly appreciated. Either post here or e-mail me at thehenshaws@yahoo.com.

P.S. - We haven't had sex since November, and she sees me as the least attractive or sexual being on earth.

Thanks.

Hi Exh,

Welcome to MB. Your situation makes your challenge to recover your M a task that can be accomplished once you both are on the same page. Now what it takes to get there is the big ????.

Please read the book his needs/her needs. I can not address your bisexual issues but at least this may be a start. How are your IC appointments going? Maybe Steve or Jennifer here at MB can help. Look in the counsel section above for their phone counseling ph#. They are both very good.

Read and let us know how you are doing.

L.

ehibita,

read read read, get the books Orchid said.

YOU must take control and responsibility for all and any verbal abuse/attacks from your end.

You must do this immediately and until you do know that any thing else will be worthless.

Regardless of her response and actions the sooner you get in control of your responses the sooner things will change.

Even if things don't work out with you for the sake of the children you must find a different way to communicate your thoughts, needs, and emotions.

the smallest and consistant changes you can make will be the actions that speak the loudest.

You two are stuck in a cycle of attack, blame and anger and therefor neither of you can hear the other.

Want to get her attention? do exactly what she doesn't expect you to do...what she expects is the anger and attacks...what she give back is anger and attacks because it is known and comfortable for the both of you.

I would also drop all self lableing ie sex addict...it can make you appear to come off as someone seeking victim status for choices you have made and acted.

Taking responsibility is a huge step in your own self recovery as well as your marriage and with children involved it may be time to step up to the plate.

One way to do this is to begin to focus and imagine becoming and being the father and husband you wish to be...not who you have been.

Drop all relationship talk and focus on changing you... keep trying to back her into a corner in admitting that this time or that time wasn't so bad and she will continue to lash back at you.

As her friend you do not have to listen to her sexual exploits. Redirect kindly and end conversations that lead you down that path, it is way to painful and not a good cycle to start.

Think long and hard about what a real partnership is and what true intimacy exclusive to others is to you. If you believe in that and find value in that then move towards creating an environment that supports that.

Actions have and always will speak louder than any words...prove yourself to becoming a person who has changed through your actions.

put a gumband (guess which part of the US I'm from using a word like gumband...which stands for rubber band in other areas... <img border="0" title="" alt="[Big Grin]" src="images/icons/grin.gif" /> and snap it hard each and every time you feel like lashing out. learn to bite your tongue..and each time you hold back from lashing out it will get easier and easier.

Ya want changes...then it's up to you to change...

good news is you can do this...lots of people here have...
peace to you
ARK

Thanks for the advice, both of you. I'll get the book come payday, and I've already put the rubber band on my wrist. (I had visions of stretching a piece of Trident around my arm.)
She met with an attorney today to file for legal separation. I gave her some stuff from this site to read. She read it, but has no desire to do any of it. Interestingly, her definition of love was for me to not hurt her anymore. Again, thanks for the help.