I have a question for any one out there who feels they can help me.
When one's husband has "Jock Itch" and they feel as though they need to releive the itch with a cool face clothe, should the face clothe then smell of semen?
Silly question? No, my husband is the first man I have been intimate with who has had "jock itch". But, this is by no means the first time I have smelt semen.
Here is the twist. In the 2 years that we have been married, we have , at the most, had 50 sexual interactions. I am no the one who has lack of interest. I have it bad for my husband. He, on the other hand, has many many varying excuses. I have been racking my brain and wringing my heart. What is going on. I have suspected affairs, for various reasons that we will not bother to get into in this letter. I had also suspected excessive masterbation. I have gone into the bathroom on many an occasion after he has been in there only to be greeted with the faint smell of semen. I have also on occassion picked up the face clothe draped over the side of the sink, to quickly rinse my face, and smelt semen.
About a week ago, he said something about having "jock Itch" and needed to treatit, which he has not done yet. By the way, can a woman be affected by her partner's "jock Itch"?
Then, last night, after several hours of not being able to sleep again because the man I desire and love with all of my heart is snoring away with no regard to me, what so ever, he rose to use the bathe room. He was in there a while, guys do that. I went in cause I really had to pee. I could smell semen. I picked up the face clothe, newly moistened, on the side of the sink and discovered a strong scent of semen. Needless to say, I was hurt and furious. I got my self back to bed and attempted to stiffle the tears as not to disturb his sleep.
But, I could not sleep. So, I went out to the patio and cried. He came out to ask me back to bed and I went in reluctantly, but still could not keep from crying. So, I gathered all my bravery I felt I had left and wakened him. I tild him that I had a very important question, rather calmly. I told him I needed the absolute truth. Then I asked him how often he masterbated. He replied once or twice a week. I then pointed out that I felt that this was robbing our marital relationship of a vital ingredient. I also told him that I felt left out and like a pile of dog crap, rather calmly. The conversation continued with my starting out rather calm and finally escalating because he stonewalled, clammed up, wouldn't offer solutions that we could work on, changed his story to once every few weeks, and finally accussing me of imagining things. I went and got the face clothe and asked him to smell it. He said he couldn't smell anything and then told me that he had relieved the itch with a cool face clothe.
I am sorry, but that sounded all too much like a **** -and-bull story to me. I could not stop crying at that point.
Well eventually, after questioning my mental stability and saying that he just couldn't talk to me because I was ranting and raving, I pointed out that hthe conversation had started out calmly with my asking for mutual and active solutions. I pointed out that he stonewalled, etc. And that of course I eventually turned into a stark raving lunitic. I have been doing my homework latley and shared my findings with him. I asked him if he knew what a marriage counselor would have us do at this point. "get a divorse", "no" i answered. They would probably prescribe sex at least two times a week until it became a habit again. They would probably prescribe absolute one on one intimate time together at least once a week. They would probably remind us that there is a lot of ugly stuff built up behind the walls od defense we have created and even when we broke done the walls, it would be ugly and smelly for a while. He got very quite. I went out to the patio to gather myself together and it wasn't long before he was out there begging me to come to bed,he wanted me there and he loved me.
We held each other, apologized made love, but he did not ejaculate, he pretended though, but, gosh, there was no semen in me, not even a trace.
Hmmm...
What does this sound like to you.
Gosh, I love this guy and want very badly to spend the estr of my life with him. WE NEED HELP!!!!

Well there is obviously a strong possibility he has some hidden sexual issues. Perhaps abuse of some form.

The problem is men do not like to be told they are not king studs so the last thing they are willing to address is their own sexual problems.

I would suggest you do some online research on the topic and see if any websites have articles that you believe relate to your husband's problem.

Then gently explore them. I will say this my wife had some serious hidden sexual abuse/rape experiences that strongly prevented her from having a healthy sexual outlook. The same could apply to your husband.

Good luck.

2ndfiddle in the Harley book 'Love Busters' there's an interesting section (pages 235-237) with regards to a case similar to yours. You may want to consider printing it and giving it to your H to read. Here it is, I hope it helps you open his eyes:

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">"Sex Should Always Be Shared.

Whenever a client tells me her husband is impotent, I'm a little suspicious. While I've treated many men who were truly impotent, more often than not the problem turns out not to be impotence at all, but rather excessive masturbation.

I once counseled a man who brought himself to ten climaxes each day. By the time his wife wanted to make love, he was sexually exhausted! When he stopped masturbating, he had absolutely no problem at all making love to her.

But that wasn't Jerry's problem. He could do both. If Jane, his wife, ever wanted to make love, he was ready and able. He initiated lovemaking on a regular basis himself. But every once in a while she would discover evidence that he'd been masturbating. It offended her deeply - so much so that she made an appointment for marriage counseling.

When Jerry discussed this problem with me, he couldn't understand why she was so upset. "Why should she care if I masturbate? We make love whenever she wants, don't we? And I'm an excellent lover besides. What's her problem?"

Jane had explained to him that she wanted all of his sexual feelings to be shared with her. She felt that his masturbation was like a mistress, and she didn't want to share his sexual feelings with anyone else - even a fantasy.

I explained to Jerry that whenever he masturbated, he was doing something that he enjoyed but that Jane hated. Her alternative suggestion wasn't unreasonable either: She was willing to make love to him anytime he wanted.

Then came the real dilemma. Jerry confessed that he enjoyed masturbation more than he enjoyed sex with his wife. He wasn't sure if he could stop doing it.

Masturbation had become such a pleasurable experience for him that sex with his wife was sometimes boring in contrast. He made love to her out of duty and did a good job of it, but he looked forward to masturbating more than anything else. He felt that since no other woman was involved, it was okay for him to develop a sexual habit that brought him so much pleasure.

But he actually had another lover: himself! Jane had good reason to feel jealous. Some of the effects of an affair were developing in his marriage: He was robbing his wife of some of the very best feelings he could have towards her, sexual feelings. All those love units that could have been deposited in her account were squandered.

Besides, many married men I've counseled with sexual perversions - such as making obscene telephone calls and exposing oneself in public - were addicted to masturbation. Their embarrasing and illegal perversions could have been avoided if they had limited their sexual experiences to those they could enjoy with their wife. In fact, some of the most remarkable cures I've witnessed for deviant sexual conduct was with men who made their wife a permanent fixture in the sex room of their imaginary house. I recommended to Jerry that if at all possible, sexual feelings be reserved for marital lovemaking. He should avoid sexual fantasies if they didn't involved his wife, he should avoid sexual arousal if his wife were not present, and he should never experience a climax unless it was while making love to his wife.

In this case my recommendations were followed, and Jerry was able to overcome his habit of masturbating. He knew this Love Buster offended Jane, but he done it anyway because he enjoyed it so much. In other words, he gained pleasure at her expense. When he decided to protect her feelings, he stopped masturbating. It also may have prevented him from developing an embarrasing sexual perversion. But most important, it helped build romantic love for both of them."</font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">

2ndfiddle,
CoffeMan posted exactly what I would have sent you to.

It's likely your husband is not going to just fess up however.

I would continue to confront him with your suspicions and your observations. Do it at a time when you are awake and calm... (I've done the middle of the night confrontation a time or two and it just doesn't work <img border="0" title="" alt="[Wink]" src="images/icons/wink.gif" /> )

Tell him how you feel about what you suspect, ask for what you would like... and then let it go. It can only escalate if you let it. If he stonewalls you or gets defensive change the subject, but bring it up the next time you suspect something.

Stunned Dad.... LOVE your sig line. Absolutely love it.

C

Jock itch is caused by the same fungus that causes ringworm, athlete's foot and nail fungus. And yes, if that is what he has, it can be spread from one person to another. I rather doubt that's what's ailing him, but suppose it is.

Doctors can diagnose ringworm/jock itch by viewing the affected area under black light. If he's got such a persistant case, he should be diagnosed and treated. Call the doctor and then tell your husband you made him an appointment.

Am I kidding? OK, half kidding. If it's an honest-to-goodness medical issue, it should be addressed.

If it's an emotional issue, it also should be addressed.

For sure, he has some s*xual issues. And, he feels difficult to talk about it (most people do). To be able to talk about it, you have to give him confort and understanding so he can open up. Dont be offended if he can't do it straight away - these things may take time.
For what his issues are, one can only guess. My guess is that he has picked up some disease somewhere and is terribly ashamed of it. But I'm guessing wildly.
My suggestion is: Send him to a see a doc. Learn how to talk about "it" - maybe by reading books about the topic together? maybe by you talking first, and opening up more? (the more you open up, the safer he may feel)

Thank you for all of the relpies. I am comforted by the fact that there is somone out there who is listening and not treating me like a idiot. I feel much calmer, thank you.
As far as he jock itch is concerned. I went out and bought him some "Lamisil" yesterday. He thanked me. After reading a bit about the condidtion, I would guess that that is not what he has as he does not have any red, scaly, raised patches. Actually, none of the symtoms, except the supposed itch, which, being a guy, and guys do like to scratch themselves, he rarely does.
I got to thinking yesterday. Excessive masterbation is a perversion. With holding sex in a marital relationship is concidered abuse by some marital experts. Holy Duke! HE says he is concerned and can not trust my mental stability? Okay. I am very concerned as to what is happening in his heart and mind. It's breaking my heart. I know that i need to get over my shock, horror, anger, etc. and then focus on him. But how much and how far before it is enabling him? I will be supportive, that much is for certain.
Oh yes, I am certain that he has figured out that I am on line dealing with our issues cause one of my letters accidentally dropped into his "drafts". Hmmm... I will not deny it. He will not go and talk to a marriage councelor with me, and I NEED to talk to someone before I go Insane.
I am kinda numb still.
What kind of STDs can resemble "jock itch", cause we had sex and if I need to see a doctor, I don't want to have the complete look of shock when I am told. You know?
Again, Thank you.

I really doubt that it's an STD. Nor would I call excessive masturbation a perversion. It's a habit that he's developed that's very pleasurable for him, but damaging to your marriage.

Read again... print out... the information that CoffeeMan posted for you.

Your avenue of change in marriage, if you want to effect change without being destructive, is to be honest about how you feel regarding the things your spouse is doing, and to attempt to negotiate for change.

You can't demand that he do, or not do, anything. And really, your attempts to educate him are disrespectful. Educate yourself, but moving to that place of "teacher" with your spouse is not going to do your marriage any favors.

Do you have or have you read any of Harley's work? If not I would suggest starting with His Needs Her Needs and Love Busters, both books availalbe through this site (click the bookstore link above) and both essential for understanding what the concepts and methods advocated here are all about. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Smile]" src="images/icons/smile.gif" />

C

You are right, Cerri. The role of educator in this situation would be a double edged sword. Not only does it push someone who does not want to know far away, but my husband has a habit of being attracted to not incredibly intellegent females. I am not exactly stupid. He was initially very much attracted to my level and perspective of intellegence, but now.....
I will read the selections regarding this issue again. Remember when you had just figured out that there was something rotten in the state of Denmark? Remember the level of desparation to "fix" the "problem"? Remember stabbing in the dark, hoping to make contact with anything because you had been in the dark for so long with oout a friendly hand reaching out to you when you knew that there was some unknown scary monster out there?
I am beginning to feel sane again. I am beginning to breath slowly. There isn't a lump in my throat 24/7. Because I finally have some sort of direction to go in, I feel as though I can rest, regroup and think more clearly.
My new question is, what about me enables a significant other to be emotionally distant and/or unavaiable? (this is not the first time I have been involved with a man who initially was "there" and then "dissappeared") What do I need to change in me? No matter what it does to this marriage, I will benifit from the self exploration. I have to figure out from him what that is with out offending him. He is so afraid of change, whether it be for the better or not. Not a big risk taker.
I just want to hold him in my arms and comfort what ever it is that is hurting.

I will read the selections regarding this issue again.

Good. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Smile]" src="images/icons/smile.gif" />

Remember when you had just figured out that there was something rotten in the state of Denmark? Remember the level of desparation to "fix" the "problem"? Remember stabbing in the dark, hoping to make contact with anything because you had been in the dark for so long with oout a friendly hand reaching out to you when you knew that there was some unknown scary monster out there?

Oh yeah.... I think what I did could more be called "slash and burn!" LOL <img border="0" title="" alt="[Wink]" src="images/icons/wink.gif" />

My new question is, what about me enables a significant other to be emotionally distant and/or unavaiable?........ What do I need to change in me?

It's a good question and one that we should look at. You are part of the dynamic.

The other thing you have to remember is that we all, your husband included, come into a relationship with habits already formed. And we all set those aside for a while when we are dating and wooing the object of our desire. But once the committment is there we return to our habits from the past. My guess would be that this is something your husband has done since adolescence.... it's a habit that he enjoys.

C

<small>[ June 12, 2003, 07:38 AM: Message edited by: cerri ]</small>

I suspect that it is a long term habit. His x-wife had issues that eventually led her to be adulterous. She had reported to have told all who would listen that Mr. X was "mean". (there are mutual contacts, and I DO NOT pump for info). My husband has said that she was dificult to please sexually, he felt as though he had to "perform" and "entertain". Eventually, he has used those words to discribe our sex. Funny thing is, I am honestly very satisfied when we do have sex and I do compliment (I don't do it with a grandeous parade, but maybe that is what he wants?) I LOVE making love with my husband and he has been told this, in many ways and in many situations. He knows that if he were to even so much as give me the "look", I'de peel off my clothes in a heart beat. I would do anything within reason to please him, and I have expressed this subtly and suggestively to him, he is well aware.
Taking this into concideration, I truly do not know what to do differently to make sex a more desirable and pleasurable thing for him. He is tensed up enough so that he has been prescribed Viagra, though I personally have never had a problem arousing him.
I want for us to roll into the sunset in his and hers wheel chairs, holding hands and chortling maniacally, at a jolly old age, together. I love this guy. I believe in our marriage. I believe in him.

2ndfiddle - Thank you for starting this thread. You asked a question I could not. My H also likes to please himself, and I am very insecure about it... I am ready and willing anytime... so I feel hurt when he chooses to take care of himself. He tells me that the "pressure" was building up and he had to release it... um, I would have LOVED to help with that!!! After d-day things got really good.... and now we are back to me asking, and him being too tired! I feel like a worthless piece of poop! I have nothing against a man tending to himself... unless it takes away from intimacy with the wife! My H also told me it was to help "train" himself, so that when we are together, it will be better... Only we are not together nearly often enough... so how exactly does it help? He may be taken care of... but I'm left feeling alone!

Thanks again for asking the question I could not.

-mc

2ndfiddle - I'm sorry, I think I killed your thread.
-mc

MC
No, m'dear, you didn't destry the thread. I just haven't had time to get on and check any of this. Too many eyes.
At least yours has owned up to it. Mine tells me that I am an imagining, unstable, *****y and quite frankly acts as though I need to just get over it. Why should I have a problem with sex only once every 6 weeks and I think I am suppossed to throw a party, a parade, turn cartwheels, etc. when ever I am so privalaged as to be touched "sexually" by him, even if the sexual contact was simply a convenient port in the storm. You know, modified masturbation with a female attached. And shouldn't once every six weeks be enough? I must be some sort of nymphomaniac. Now, I have to admit that, maybe, once in every 3 sexual encounters with my husband does take me into concideration, wahoo? Gosh, I am so satisfied. What is that, once every 18 weeks or so, or, let's see.... 4 plus months?
Have you figured out that this letter is being written with a tone of sarcasm?
Goish, MC, denial sucks. How come we aren't important enough? Why isn't the marriage important enough? I am beginning to hate the smell of semen, the only place I ever smell it is on a face clothe. At least he should have the decency to not puit the face clothe that he cleans up with in the laundry. I don't think that i want the children gpoing into the bathroom to wash their faces and picking that one up.
Will yours go to therapy or counseling? Mine will not. Too afraid that someone will suggest he wake up and smell the coffee, I guess.
O, by the way, Have any kids? If so, happy father's day. Gawd!
How do we hear back from someone who went through this and came out the first choice? How do we hear from a guy who was guilty of this and made the right choice?
Looking forward to hearing from you again.
xo & LOL
Hey it's Sunday, I'll say an extra prayer for us, and for our spouses.

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial"> Goish, MC, denial sucks. How come we aren't important enough? Why isn't the marriage important enough? .[/QB]</font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">I am in the middle of this problem now. I am also the Man who has been masterbating. It is not that the woman is not important enugh, I love my wife sooooo much, But with us there are times when she is not avalible, at work, during her cycle, ect. I remember one day I set up a romantic meeting as a suprize for my wife and 10 min. befor she was supose to come home she called and said she had to work 2 extra hours, needless to say when she got home I was no longer interested. After a wile it becomes a habbit. My marriage is the most important thing in my life and if I knew that this was the factor that caused my wife to leave me I would have gotten help ASAP, your Husbands is soo lucky that you were brave enugh to talk to them, my Wife just left. I got to a point were self gratification was full pleasure to me. I did not have to think about the needs of my wife, this is a very selfish thought, but once the line is crossed it is soo hard to go back. Men do not discuse this because it is considered perverted in the world, and they are ashamed to tell ther wife. I was so scared that if I admitted this to her she would explode and leave me. Little did I know she was leaving me anyway. As time progressed she felt so worthless that she began to withdraw from me, which in turn caused me to masterbate more, which made her withdraw more.. and so on. I emplore you to tell you husbands that you feel lonely and unwanted. and continue to "sueduce" him. by the time I tryed to make things right my wife nolonger wanted sex with me, and it was too late.

Here's the thing... I am ALWAYS available for my husband. He will tell me during the day that he can't wait till the kids go to bed (I have 2 little ones), so we can have some fun. But by the time we actually go to bed, he is so tired, he is asleep in 10 seconds!!! (I'm not kidding!!!) So, another night goes by... <img border="0" title="" alt="[Frown]" src="images/icons/frown.gif" />

He knows how I feel. I have told him that I feel neglected. I really don't think he does it on purpose, he really is tired, but it still makes me feel like poop! Then as more nights go by, the "pressure" builds up, and he releases it himself!

I personally have nothing against masterbation, as long as it does NOT effect a relationship! I also personally prefer my husband to please me rather than me doing it myself! (I'm not a prude, it's just what I prefer!)

If I really push myself on him, he will respond, but I hate feeling like I have to "make" him... It's kinda nice when HE makes the first move!!!

Is it just me, or does it seem like in most relationships, one person always wants it more than the other? (JMHO)

By the way, I'm glad I did not kill your thread... I was feeling bad when it kinda disapeared for a few days! Glad you're back 2ndfiddle! I'm also glad I am not alone!

-mc

MC,
Hey girl, glad to hear from you!!!!! Big hugs!!!
There is something my grandmother told me when I was wasy too young to hear such stuff, but it has stuck with me my whole life. "we were never too tired to make love." My grampa died when I ws 7. For the short time I saw them together, I knew they were in love, you know the kinda that makes your stomach turn, yet you long for that kinda love. She never remarried after he died, plenty of opportunity, she is one heck of a woman. They were farmers and worked their butts off every day. Yet they ALWAYS made time for each other. Even down in the hay field while the farm hands were dozing. They had a beautiful life, they were always out dancing, traveling, friends. Never too tired for one another. Their memories keep me going. If she can survive on the memories for well over 30 yrs, then I know it was real. I will have it too.
I agree with you, there is nothing wrong with masterbation as long as it does not take away from life in general. Kinda sexy if done with the other spouse.
My spouse can fall asleep at the drop of a hat too. I often wonder if that is a type of avoidance. How long does it really take to leave the one you love with sweet dreams and a feeling of security?
Sex and Lovemaking are a habit. I do know this much. Easy to get into as get out of. But getting into takes two.
We made love last night, or atleast I did. I ws exhausted, but oh my... I do not for the life of me know how or why. We didn't have a fight, so it wasn't rescue sex. I hadn't gotten ready for bed in any differnet manner, looked like I always do. No extra perfume, no naughty nighty. Just me. I am a little suspisious, yet I am loving my man. Maybe it's a new page in our life's chronicles? I pray to God that it wasn't rescue sex and/or a smoke screen. Our anniv is this coming Monday and I had expressed fear ablout the whole deal approx 4 days ago. He is afraid too.
Who knows, only God. Therefor, Thank you, God.

2ndfiddle, I wouldn't waste another moment before making an appt for you to get tested for STD's.
Why? My H did the same thing during his EA then physical A.
Somehow I suppose fantasizing about OW while doing it.
When I found out about the A, he broke it off immediately.
WE'd always had a great sex life, but he had become distant. Guilt? Maybe.
since A ended our love making has improved tremendously and I don't think he's masturbating anymore, At least I've not caught him anymore.
If he is, he's sure gotten virile for his age because we make love practically everyday!
LouLou

Lady Lou
I have been thinking about your letter. I am glad you got back to my original question. Did you read the whole thread, I assume yes cause you answered an old question.
I bought the Lamisil, he thanked me, he used it that night, and I haven't heard anything since about that whole deal. What was that, 5 days ago? so...
I have heavy suspicions that he is unfaithful. I can almost, beyond a shadow of a doubt, tell you with who. She fits the profile and while we were in Wal-mart the other day he disappeared for a moment, with baby in cart, only to call me over to a secluded corner to say hi to HER. She looked stunned. Then she got real pleasant. She is a co-worker and they have too much opportunity to hid away at work. If not her, there is something going on.
yup I have the general surface burn thing happening. Gotta go see the DR. I am scared though, would rather it were excessive masterbation.
I have NEVER had a STD in my life. Do I get to slug him if that is the case?

Hi 2ndfiddle -- I've been away from my computer for a few days, but wanted to jump in and say hi. Let us know if you get a DR's appointment, and how it goes! STD's have to be the scariest part of infidelity!!! As soon as I found out about my H's A, I went to my OB/GYN... thank god everything came back negative! You would think that in this day and age, people would practice SAFE SEX.(and by "safe", I don't mean not getting cought!!! <img border="0" title="" alt="[Wink]" src="images/icons/wink.gif" /> )

I hope the "other night" <img border="0" title="" alt="[Big Grin]" src="images/icons/grin.gif" /> was nothing more than you and your H enjoying each other!

-mc