I have been seperated from wife since January. Together 11 years, 3 children 14, 6, and 3. She initiated this because she needed her space. Actually turned out to be for a male "friend" who was a shoulder to cry on as we had difficulties in our relationship. Lack of time together, displays of affection, etc...
She has seen him since then and of course he is more than a friend now. I have done plan A with a few slip ups with anger, judgements, and negative comments about the other man. None lately.
We have had serious relationship conversations the entire time which results in her either saying she needs time, is confused, or telling me to move on. Most recently it was to move on, that she wants to be friends and spend time together but that it doesn't mean anything. As soon as I begin to move on, somewhat initate plan B by backing off quite a bit (no letter) she reacts, gets upset and calls me up telling me I am causing her pain, expressing how she was selfish in leaving and that she should have never confided in anyone else. So I let myself back on the string so to speak, wait some more and continue plan A. Her friends say that she doesn't really want me to move on. She says that she still loves and cares for me. We spend some time together, drinks, occasional dinner, conversations on the phone and in person. No sex, just occasional hugs, pecks on the cheek etc...
During this time she has told her friends who I communicate with that she see's that I am changing, still loves me and has thoughts of working things out. She expresses that she may be making a mistake by rejecting me but that she does not "trust" me in the sense that my changes are real and lasting. She tells me that she feels like she doesn't know me because of how different I am acting and wonders if it is an act. Basically the loss of her and my family rotating between households caused me to look deeply into my faults and realize things. I have told her that but to no avail at this point.
Her friends tell me to give her time and that she is thinking. My resolve for plan A is dwindling and I'm beginning to wonder if I am allowing her to have her cake and eat it to or if meaningfull progress is being made. Things are much better then they were and her friends tell me that she is thinking about me more and expressing concerns about traits this other guy has but she still is seeing him and not moving towards me. I guess actions speak louder than words. So should I plan A some more or go to B? Any opinions are appreciated.

<small>[ June 12, 2003, 07:41 AM: Message edited by: now what ]</small>

Well, it is kind of "iffy."

Your wife is definitely on the fence now. The question is, more Plan A or go to Plan B?

IMHO, I would say stay in Plan A a little longer. You have said you have done a great Plan A, so keep it up. You said her friends have said that she is starting to see problems with the OM This is good. While these problems are going on, then you do your best to Plan A her. Let the comparisons begin to form in her mind.

Shortly though, it will be time to go to Plan B. Then you will take all of this away from her. You said you have done this somewhat, and it caused an angry reaction and admission of feelings still for you. THIS IS BECAUSE OF YOUR GREAT PLAN A!! But I am afraid Plan A will not get her to move in the right direction. It may be removing yourself completely from the situation, as OM begins to LB as he is now, and with your great Plan A...this will cause extreme emotional pain for her. And she will likely, in early Plan B, respond angrily to your pullback. But if you stay the course, I think that you will see a break in the fascade in a few weeks after starting Plan B.

Go to my threads from November through April and watch the transition of my wife. I think your wife is a PRIME candidate for Plan B. But since she was so honest with you about her pain of your limited Plan B, I would not go to Plan B quite yet. Let her feel that you are there for her, that even with her pain, you are there. Then once she is comfortable with that (maybe two-three weeks of Plan A), then comes the Plan B letter and telling her that you are no longer capable of letting her fence sit and cake eat.

I think at the latest, by the end of the summer, you may be the next MB success story!

In His arms.

Now What - I would have to agree with Martarman on this one! Make sure she knows that you love her and want her but Plan B may be what you need to get this moving forward.

Sorry Now What - I hope you don't mind but I want to ask Martarman a question! - I would love to read these threads of yours how do you find them? I am new! Thank you!