Here is the situation! I know the OW socially! I haven't liked her from the get go! We met her about a year and a half ago through hot air ballooning. OW really hasn't been around much until the past six months or so prior to A. I think the A began about 3 weeks to 5 weeks tops before WH left me for her.

I don't have very nice things to say about OW - especially since WH has basically replace me with OW. We have been apart since March 7, 2003 and WH thinks I shouldn't have a problem with OW being around the our baby girl (14 mos. old) basically playing house with the two of them! I am just not comfortable with the situation.

I don't call her by her name. I have other words that describe her better in my opinion... Childish maybe. But I don't see why I should have to respect her.????

Let me know! Thank you!

Respect?!?! Where was the OW's respect for you, (and herself) when she got involved with a married man??? Where is your WH's respect for you (and himself)?? To think you have to respect them and their situation is ludicrous!! You owe them nothing but the most basics of courtesy. Do not LB and, IMHO, I would NOT allow my child ongoing contact with the OW. If it means you have to see a lawyer to mke sure, then do it.

IM new at this but I can tell you what I did.
I have 2 kids ....
Through all of the very beginning I was very meak, I beleive now it was shock and it utterly destroyed me. I didnt stand up for much of anything other than the kids, which I must admit he didnt want to do anything againet me on that issue. Once I found out there was ow and who it was I blew a fuse. He had taken them over but noone knew what was going on as all of our kids were friends. I got VERY angry and let him know in no uncertain terms my kids would NOT be around her period! I told him I could see to it legally if that was what it would take. Mine are older than yours and didnt know exactly what was going on but once I said they would not be around any of those people again stood beside me. I wont lie it got tough, there were times I flew off the handle and ranted and raved.Told him I hoped he knew what he was doing, what he was losing, hoped he found what he was searching for and I hoped for his sake she didnt destroy him as I knew she could!I think the oldest has a idea and got very upset told H he had to chose.Ofcourse he thought she would change his mind, (she hasnt) but ow started making some very bad decisions. And the real person shined thru not the fantasy person H thoguht was there. When it comes to the kids ou have to stand up. I dont know if how I handled it was right but t does make you angry. You dont get to live my life and me just sit back and disapear!

Thank you both so much! I din't know if bashing OW would take away from Plan A. Although I am not sure I am succeeding at Plan A anyway. I try to be thoughtful and kind to him but I will have nothing to do with OW and talking about OW with him other than to say how I feel about her.

It's comforting to know I am not the only one dealing with this in this fashion. Thank you!

Oh! What about Father's Day? WH and I use to make a big deal of it because this would be our second one together. So far I just got a card from Skylar. Should I do what I did before - make a big deal of it or what???? Help!

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Originally posted by cnf:
<strong>Thank you both so much! I din't know if bashing OW would take away from Plan A. Although I am not sure I am succeeding at Plan A anyway. I try to be thoughtful and kind to him but I will have nothing to do with OW and talking about OW with him other than to say how I feel about her.

It's comforting to know I am not the only one dealing with this in this fashion. Thank you!

Oh! What about Father's Day? WH and I use to make a big deal of it because this would be our second one together. So far I just got a card from Skylar. Should I do what I did before - make a big deal of it or what???? Help!</strong></font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">I'm not talking about bashing...I'm talking about making yourself a better person. You can be kind to your WH, but you also need to establish some boundaries as to what you will and will not tolerate.

One thing you seem to overlook is the fact that whilst you "bash" the OW you overlook the fact that your WH is equally at fault in this A. He had the choice not to do it but he was selfish and irresponsible and went ahead and did it anyway. Start seeing your WH through realistic eyes too.

As for Father's Day...I think a card or small gift from his daughter should suffice. Don't go overboard or it will look like you are needy/begging.

Even if you bash her, it won't change his opinion of her while he is in the fog. My WS told me horrible things that the OW has done. He knows her actions were awful. However, he continues to be addicted to her. I think because she is so exotic and different.

I agree with the others. Focus on yourself. Don't worry about talking about her. She is trash, certainly not on your level.

I wouldn't let my kids be a part of their insanity. It's emotionally abusive for them for him to put them in that sick situation. I feel strongly when it comes to protecting children.

Take Care.

In any dealing we had in the past while he was still seeing her, I just tried to explain my feelings. The more you say bad about her the more he thinks of her. She isnt worth your time. The only real tim eI got vocal was about the kids. They will not ever be around this person again. There has been to much damage done. Both parties are responsible. BOTH are in the wrong! But I didnt take a vow before god to love her. H found out he wasnt only one which took away from some of those special feelings he had. Its been a trip from he@@ but Im getting there. I have alot of bitterness I am trying to work thru. Friends know ways to hurt you noone else does and when they strike ouch!ITs a double loss when its someone who has come to your home, took trips with and raised kids with. But in time he will see the real person inside. Its not always pretty!

Thank you so much everyone!

I do realize it takes two for an A. H is no saint in this but OW set out to take what we had and make it hers. OW purposely - in my eyes - made moves towards my H and at a weak moment H crossed the line. H is totally in the fog right now and thinks this OW is wonderful. She is constantly buying him things and taking care of him financially etc. (How much I am not sure?)

I hope H comes out of the fog soon. I am not sure how to be nice to him right now - I am so hurt but I am afraid of two things - 1) If I Plan A and try to meet his needs and am friendly showing him what a wonderful person I am - will he think that he can ride the fence and be my friend and OW's lover? 2) or if I am a b*tch will that drive him away even further with no hope of reconciliation? Ya know?

I got him a card for Father's day from Skylar - I looked for something else but got mad - thinking he is spending his money (what little he has) on OW. Why should I get him anything!?!? But then again if I Plan A shouldn't I?

Let me know! Thanks Cherie

Ever heard of 2 wrongs dont make a right? Im not saying get something elaborate. But by thinking as you are and not getting a gift , are doing because you never got him any or are you doing to get back at him? I usually get big gifts for mine but last year during what I lovingly call th esummer of hell I got him a shirt and a card from our kids.In one corner I wrote how I hoped he enjoyed his day and that no matter what I loved him.He as shocked, didnt say much but it was a beginning.

CNF:

The answer to your 2nd question is YES. Being a B. will drive him straight into the arms of the OW. It might feel good but it won't help your marriage at all. Following MB Principles, doing PLAN A, gives you a chance at reconciliation. It is important not to LB. I suggest reading up on MB's concepts. WSes love for us to LB so they can rationalize staying in the A.

Thank you so much! We haven't been together as long as you guys have but feel that we have a hopeful future together if he would just come to his senses.

I want to tell him so much that I love him and want him to come home. But last time I tried to apologize for the things I did wrong he said that it just didn't change anything because he was in love with someone else (2 weeks ago).

I want to get him a gift certificate to Hastings (a music store) because he would love it. But I don't want to cross the line and drive him further away. He knows that I would do something like that for him if things were different. I just don't want the OW to out shine me on this Fathers Day thing.

You see for Easter - OW put together $100 Easter baskets for his children. This was less than a month after he left me. This is all OW has done that I am aware of. But that didn't go over well anyway.

I know it is silly to compete with OW for his attention but I am not sure how else to handle it.

Any thoughts?

First stop feeling as if this a competition. He is not a prize. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Wink]" src="images/icons/wink.gif" />
She may out buy you she may spend more but I can promise you this, by doing something from the heart rather than the pocket book sets a much nicer tone. You know the real person behind his fog. If you know the gift would please him and it doesnt sound like a big ticket gift do it.
A simple card, with something like:
I hope you enjoy your special day. I want you to know that even though our current path is bumpy right now it doesnt change the fact that I love you ,miss you and want whats best for you."
Pardon me Ive been a real writting spree...Let him know you dont want to be pushed to the point of no return balls in his court. Never hide your love but dont beg or suffocate...As I said before I m going purely on experience, and it does get easier. Your very brave to even be thinking of working on things after you have been told its over. Read the posts...Read the articles...