My H and I started with MB in March, so we're about 3 months into this. In simple terms, my understanding is that we meet EN and avoid LBs, plus spend time together...to restore the love. Then, with that restored love, we use POJA and honesty to make future decisions and design a life/marriage that works for both of us.

We are struggling in the first phase. If anything, I feel less love for him now than when we started. In part, this is because he is probably depressed and/or in withdrawal, and seems to NOT want me to succeed in meeting ENs. Our interactions are awkward. We have a hard time spending time together.

I do beleive that if we meet ENs and avoid LBs, and spend pleasant time together, that we can restore the romantic love. Of that, I have no doubt. HOWEVER... I have some big questions about whether he can ever do POJA and honesty, in order to then rebuild. As I think more and more about it, I realize that communication has always been an issue. He is not one to compromise or seek win/win solutions-- it's either his way, or giving in. For him to participate in POJA would be to do something he has never done before. And, he is very "me" vs "we" oriented. Sometimes I fear the only solution that appeals to him is to have everything HIS way.

I am interested to know if others have been (or are in) similar circumstances.... I am not wanting to give up. But I realize that while I am very confident intellectually about the first phase, I have doubts about his ability to participate in the second phase. That even if he was willing, and tried, he truly is not able to do the next phase. And, that would prevent us from really being able to go forward. Not that we're in any danger of restoring our romantic love in the next few days.... but it's bugging me. Any insights?

It seems as though you're struggling, b/c you're putting the cart before the horse (so to speak).

There is NO DOUBT that recovery is more difficult than just about anything anyone could go through (and most thought d-day was bad! <img border="0" title="" alt="[Eek!]" src="images/icons/shocked.gif" /> ). And if your H is still sufferring from withdrawal, then that makes it more frustrating.

You're not even in the first phase yet, if your H is still in withdrawal.

You also need to remember that your M is starting over, from scratch. Perhaps your fears are very grounded, based on your H's former reactions to things... but once he's through his withdrawal, you might see a new and improved H. It won't be an overnight process... but in time (those darned "baby steps"), you'll be able to look back and see the changes.

As I was reminded MANY times in the past... you are running a MARATHON here, not a sprint. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Smile]" src="images/icons/smile.gif" />

Keep posting if you feel the need to... .and be sure to respond to others as much as you can, as it means you'll end up with more responses on your threads too. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Smile]" src="images/icons/smile.gif" />

Karen

Thanks Karen. What you say makes sense. It also makes me realize, that I might not be up to a marathon. That won't stop me now, but honestly, it could stop me later.

I've been doing a lot of reading, research and it sure sounds like my H is in MLC. Funny, having a label doesn't actually make it easier. I will keep trying for baby steps.

I think the next best thing is the boundaries model. That means that you refuse to go along with things which violate your boundaries - and also, if you figure out what his boundaries are, you don't force things when you know would violate his. You probably read the book ("Bou Boundaries ndaries") but if you haven't, I recommend that you take a look. I believe that POJA is almost the same as two sets of boundaries (your and his) connected together. If he won't "play" POJA, then you just have to use your one set by yourself and assume that he will use his too.

-AD

<small>[ September 25, 2003, 06:20 PM: Message edited by: AD. ]</small>

Thanks AD-- sounds like a reasonably good "second choice". I know I have that book, and have read it. I don't know if it's here (in our current house) or in storage. I left lots of my books in storage...

I will have to think about whether boundaries are something he might be able to work with...

Squeak,

The point is that he doesn't have to work with them. You set your own boundaries and leave it up to him to set his. That's why I suggest it as an alternative to POJA when only one spouse is willing to use POJA.

But... listen to some real experts. I'm not too good at it myself.

-AD