Husband and I are new here. We searched the web in search of something to help us deal with the affair I had about a month ago. I admitted everything after he started treating me like he did when we first got married. We had been having problems communicating for about a year. We both had pushed each other away so long and didn't know how to pull each other back to the other. I found comfort in an OM arms. We had our first counceling session yesterday. It went well and we both have hope that he'll be able to help us through this. Everything was going good yesterday and last night until, OM instant messaged my H. OM tried to get H to go out and fight him in the street (OM lives down the street from us). I talk H out of it. Told him that he shouldn't stoop to his level that all he wanted was to have H hit him so he could throw H in jail. I have not had any contact with OM nor do I want to. H told OM that he would talk to him about the A when things had calmed down. Things have been much better between H and myself. We've been talking more, cuddling and getting to know each other all over again. We both agree that it's like our love has rekindled. But then at times he'll get a look on his face and I'll ask what's wrong. H response he just wonders if I was like that with OM.

What we need help with is H keeps seeing pics. in his head of me with OM. Mostly when we're trying to be intimate. H keeps asking for details of the A(positions, what he did to me, and things of that nature).

<small>[ June 12, 2003, 07:16 PM: Message edited by: rng2003 ]</small>

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Originally posted by rng2003:
<strong>...H response he just wonders if I was like that with OM.

What we need help with is H keeps seeing pics. in his head of me with OM. Mostly when we're trying to be intimate. H keeps asking for details of the A(positions, what he did to me, and things of that nature).</strong></font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">His reactions are totally normal!!! Every BS here has gone through this. Your H is not alone in his reactions. At one time I had the pics in my head, I questioned everything, I wondered if my FWH had done or said or was "like that" with the OW. Over time things have settled down. I no longer wonder about those things. Do I still have triggers? Yes. Do I still trust him? He is slowly regaining my trust.

This healing/recovery process will take a least 2 years (on average). Answer his questions, be honest. Some here say the BS doesn't need to know details. I think it depends on the individual...if he wants to know, tell him. It was keeping things from him, dishonesty and a lack of good communication that got you into trouble in the first place, don't repeat your mistakes. Do not make this choice for him, you have no right to keep things from him that will help him decide how he wants to live his life. Your H is like a person who has been traumatized (yes, infidelity is emotional trauma). He will replay it in his head until it makes sense, until he can "understand" it, deal with it.

Stay with the counselling, it can really, really help. Both of you should do as much reading as you can on this topic and read the information on this web site. One more thing, neither one of you should have any contact, of any kind with the OM...ever!!!! OM sounds like he is a sore loser and is lashing out...ignore him or call the police if it continues.

<small>[ June 12, 2003, 09:15 PM: Message edited by: mgm ]</small>

mgm,

Thank you for your input on our problem. I have answered all of his questions honestly, although he sometimes think not quickly enough or not the response he was expecting. And understand completely that he needs to ask them. This web site has been a blessing. We have our good days and bad. Since it has happened only recently I don't expect him to act any other way then how he is.

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">OM instant messaged my H. OM tried to get H to go out and fight him in the street (OM lives down the street from us). I talk H out of it. Told him that he shouldn't stoop to his level that all he wanted was to have H hit him so he could throw H in jail. I have not had any contact with OM nor do I want to. </font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Block him from your email and instant messenger. Provoking behavior is harassment. If it continues, file a RO (restraining order) against him. Treat him like the enemy. He is trying to come between you and your H as you try to restore your M. No contact means just that. Do not contact him and don't tolerate any contact from him.

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">What we need help with is H keeps seeing pics. in his head of me with OM. Mostly when we're trying to be intimate. H keeps asking for details of the A(positions, what he did to me, and things of that nature).
</font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Are you wanting to know if you should tell him? I would suggest bringing up that topic with your MC. The three of you together might be able to better discover his comfort level with that as far as what to tell, how much detail, etc.

He has a right to know.
You have a right not to tell.
For the benefit of your M, I would suggest that you find a happy middle ground when discussing the details of the A.

jmho
ba109

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Originally posted by ba109:
<strong>[QUOTE]
He has a right to know.
You have a right not to tell.
For the benefit of your M, I would suggest that you find a happy middle ground when discussing the details of the A.

jmho
ba109</strong></font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Each of you has rights...that isn't the issue. The issue is...what are willing to do to help your H recover from your A?? If he needs the details and can deal with them then he should know. To be blunt, his trust is gone at this point, don't give him more reasons to mistrust you...if you don't disclose details he may feel you are still hiding things. For a formerly wandering spouse, privacy is a luxuary that has to be earned back. If disclosing the details would be easier to do in front of your MC then do it. It may also be easier to just talk over the details with him alone.

If, during my discovery days/initial recovery, I found out my FWH had kept things from me, I would have been livid!! I also would have thoroughly resented him deciding what was and was not in my or the marriages best interests!! As far as I was concerned his judgement was less than stellar and I certainly didn't trust him to do what was in my best interests!

For the record, when my FWH and I were at MC our counsellor told my H to do whatever it took to make me feel cherished, special and safe again. If that meant being 100% open and honest then that's what had to happen. Each couple is different and that has to be taken into account. If your H has heard to much...trust me he will cut you off in mid-sentence!! <img border="0" title="" alt="[Wink]" src="images/icons/wink.gif" /> Something else to think about...if the OM is as spiteful as you say, wouldn't you rather your H hear the details from you and not the OM???

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial"> If your H has heard to much...trust me he will cut you off in mid-sentence!! </font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">mgm,

This is what I was getting at. She can't tell him 100% of the details if he doesn't want to hear it all. In turn, he can't hear 100% of the details if she doesn't want to tell it all.

I see this as a flaw in the Radical Honesty policy. It's got to work both ways. If we expect 100% of the truth from our H/W then we have to be able to take it. Often times we can't bear to hear the whole truth and that's when RH can backfire.

Their MC can help them find a middle ground where they will both be comfortable sharing the details of the A.

That is just my opinion. I don't wish to start deter from the topic by debating the policy of RH.

ba109

<small>[ June 13, 2003, 11:57 AM: Message edited by: ba109 ]</small>

I'd just like to thank everyone here at MB. After H and I read the reply post from MGM we sat down and talked more about the A. MGM's post made him realize that he didn't really want to know the details of the affair. What he really wanted was to be able to tell me what he felt and wasn't able to do so until last night. H told me that it scared him because he finally realized how much me and the kids meant to him. That the OM was trying to take his family from him. His source of happiness. H told me for the first time in our marriage exactly what and how much I meant to him. H said he was sorry it took something like this for him to realize and be able to tell me. We held each other and cried <img border="0" title="" alt="[Smile]" src="images/icons/smile.gif" /> . Last night was our best night in a LONG time.

Thank you everyone!!

<small>[ June 13, 2003, 08:12 AM: Message edited by: rng2003 ]</small>

Your former OM sounds like a real slimeball calling your husband and asking him to fight him.
You were willing to risk your marriage for somebody as low class as that?

Am so happy that the two of you realized what you really wanted!! The details are...just details, they don't really reflect what's going on, but your willingness to be open probably showed him that it wasn't the details that were important. Some need details, some don't. I'm glad that the two of your found what works for you, as a couple!!

Working towards recovery can be both a wonderful and agonizing time, but it's still growth and movement in the right direction!

Click on the link inmy signature line

We took off for the weekend for a camping trip. Everything went perfect. We had a great time! <img border="0" title="" alt="[Smile]" src="images/icons/smile.gif" /> We talked alot(not about A)about us. We're getting to know each other all over again. And learning things that we didn't take the time to know before this mess. But on the way home as we got close to town, H got a look on his face(I know what the look means). Being in this town is very painful for him. I know alot of you might say that moving is the answer. And it probably is,but finacially impossible right now. We've discussed it and agree once the money is saved we will do so. Since being home a few elevated voices have been raise on both sides. I try very hard not to say anything to upset him when I know the A is playing in his head again. I just reassure him that we will get through this. I know we will have our good moment and our bad. Sometimes it's just hard. Especially when one moment he's holding me and the next he's pushing me away again. <img border="0" alt="[Teary]" title="" src="graemlins/teary.gif" />

H says that he thinks this is harder on me than it is on him. Sometimes I think he's right. I have been very hard on myself. As I should be. NO ONE made me make the stupid choice I did. And it's something WE have to live with. I know that I want nothing more than to do everything I can to make this M work!

Everyone's replies have been helpful. A special thanks to mgm for her kind word and encouragement.