I have been separated from my fiance for 6 months now, since he found out I was having an affair with one of his friends. We had been together for 9 years in total, engaged for the last 2 years. My affair was not based on sex - I slept with him once - it was about friendship & support, having someone to talk to. Although I loved my fiance, our relationship had become void of affection & conversation & I continuously felt like I was a bother to him if I tried to get any affection. Sex had become unsatisfying and even after I talked to him about it, nothing changed. He runs his own business which is very time consuming and stressful, I actually had worked with him for the last 3 years, so I understand what he goes through, but I hated that our relationship always took a backseat to his work. I begged to go on a holiday with him so we could have time to relax and be alone and he never made the time. The OM I had the affair with was having troubles in his own relationship and we started talking and I guess seeking support from each other. As time went by, we developed feelings for each other but both still loved our respective partners. We would talk on the phone most days, send e-mails, text messages etc. I found the support and friendship in him that my fiance was not giving and vice versa. Then OM started to tell me that he loved me and he wanted to spend the rest of his life with me, marry me, have children with me – he was saying all the things I wanted to hear from my fiancé. Although I had been with my fiancé for 9 years and engaged for 2 years, we still had not set a date for the wedding, he was never “ready”. I wanted to be a mum more than anything and although he indicated over the last couple of years that he was ready, he would not commit to that either. I devoted my life to making my fiancé happy, I did everything for him and supported him unconditionally in his business and in life for little gratitude. We travelled a pretty rocky road, but always managed to survive. On the surface we had a lot of fun together and spent a lot of time together especially when we worked together, we shared recreational companionship which was something I loved. On the outside we probably seemed like the almost “perfect couple”, but it was the way he spoke to me, the way he treated me at times, the way he expected and expected and rarely gave, the missing affection, the missing intimacy, all the “behind the scenes” stuff, the total lack of effort in our private time that just wore me down, both mentally and emotionally. It seemed the harder I tried, the worse it got, I was so confused and lonely, I just closed up and I eventually stopped trying to talk, stopped trying to make the effort - and I can see now – took more comfort in OM.

The feelings that developed between OM and myself led to us sleeping together on one occasion. I was filled with guilt and hate of myself for what had happened and those feelings have never left me. Since my fiancé found out, I have stopped seeing OM because of the sick, guilty feeling I have and the realisation of how much I want to work it out with my fiancé. I think about my fiance 24 hours a day, and it hurts so much. I hardly eat, I hardly sleep, some days I can barely function. I feel so alone. I just want him back. There are many issues with us but I really want to talk and ask him to give our relationship another chance. I’ve written him a couple of letters over the last few months explaining my feelings which he seems to understand and we’ve had a few friendly and nice talks on the phone lately, just about work and general chit chat and I’ve asked him to see me for a talk. He gave me his word that he would see me as soon as we had a certain legal matter sorted out – and that was finalised yesterday.

My story is very abbreviated, I could go on and on. What I need help with is how to go about it all. I have not hassled him at all over the last 6 months, I’ve given us both time to sort ourselves out. I’ve written down everything I want to say to him so it comes out right and now I’m terrified I’ve left it too long. I don’t know whether he’ll agree to counselling, I just don’t know what to expect. I deeply regret what happened – how can I make him see that, how can I make him understand how much he contributed to the horrible place I got to? How can I make him love me again?

U know there are at least 1 or 2 posters here in a similar situation. They are questioning their relationship with the boyfriend or fiancee.

JL is pretty good at asking the 'right' questions to make you think. I will bump this thread up in hopes he see it and posts those same thought provoking questions to help you.

You are in a inique situation..... you have the option of walking away without too much of a loss. I know this sounds harsh but it may save your future. Believe me, I would not wish on anyone what I have gone through.

take care,
L.

deepregret? 9 yrs together, 2yrs engaged?
What are you waiting for? If two people know they want to marry and have children, this is way too long to not know.
I'd be moving on, a long time ago! Doesn't sound like fiance is willing to commit at all.
You said you haven't even set a date to marry.
I think you're engaged to a confirmed bachelor. and it's time to find a single guy who's willing to commit and wants the same things you do.
No regrets!
LouLou

Buy and read "Buyers, Renters and Freeloaders".

Hello! Deepregret,

Just reading your post I do have a few questions.
Have you ever heard the definition of insanity?
It is doing the same thing over and over and expecting a different result.

You said </font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">
The feelings that developed between OM and myself led to us sleeping together on one occasion. I was filled with guilt and hate of myself for what had happened and those feelings have never left me. </font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">I agree you should feel bad for seeing another man while engaged. However, what you should have done is end the engagement. Have you done that now? If so you are no longer engaged and you are free to do as you please. Even in your engagement you were not married, and yes you were free to change your mind about marrying your fiance, which you did. What you failed to do is treat your fiance with respect, by telling him you had found another man, and ending the engagement. You should feel bad about disrespecting your fiance so badly. But, not about changing your mind.

At least that is my opinion. In my mind that is why marriage is sooooo sacred and different from going together or even being engaged. In the previous two you are allowed to change your mind, in marriage you are not. It is a commitment sealed with vows.

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Since my fiancé found out, I have stopped seeing OM because of the sick, guilty feeling I have and the realisation of how much I want to work it out with my fiancé. </font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Why did you stop seeing the OM? Why do you want to work it out with fiance? From everything you have written he is a bad man. He didn't do anything for you, he only worked, he didn't meet you needs, etc. You had nothing good to say about him, yet you want to "work it out".

Now let me tell what I think I am reading. I am reading "justification" for you behavior. I am reading blame shifting for you FAILING to respect your fiance and end the engagement when you found someone you thought was better. I am reading that you have focussed on the bad parts of your fiance for a long time and allowed that focus to justify your disrespectful actions toward him. Am I close??

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">I think about my fiance 24 hours a day, and it hurts so much. I hardly eat, I hardly sleep, some days I can barely function. I feel so alone. I just want him back.</font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Again, I ask WHY? He has not changed. You have not changed. His business has not changed. Why do you want him back? What do you see now that you didn't see before?

I am not going to bad mouth your fiance, but I would like to offer my very very personal opinion. People don't go together for 9 years, and be engaged for 2 years and NOT set a date for no reason. One or both of you have some reservations about getting married. I think you both need to get it out on the table. It is possible that your fiance has always felt you would betray him, and protected himself by pulling away, thus almost making it a self-fulfilling prophecy. It is possible that you have sent signals that you were not sure you wanted him and the lifestyle he leads, hence you found it "easier" to have an "exit affair".

I don't know, but I do know this. If there is to be a relationship you two need to sit down and get to the bottom of this, honestly, and in a respectful manner. I don't think that will happen IF you feel he is the one that must change all of his "bad" behaviors.

For example why should he agree to counseling? What has he done that warrents that agreement. I am not saying he shouldn't have some, but it is something that he must see he needs. You two need to first figure out a bit of where you stand, why each of you did what you did, and IF you really want to do this.

It seems to me there has been something missing in the "fit" between you two for awhile and it would be good to figure out what that is before trying to PATCH this up.

You disrespected your fiance by going behind his back, but you had and have every right to change your mind about marrying him while you were/are engaged. Please separate those two things out in your mind. OK?

I hope something I have said helps.

God Bless,

JL