I need to know! I am trying Plan A. I am not sure how well I am doing it since WH moved out to be with OW March 7 and says he is in love.... But my question is - do I or do I not get him a Father's Day gift????? Our daughter is 14 months so it will be his second Fathers Day! I have a card from Skylar but I wondered if anyone has a thought on what to do?!?!

As a WH or FWH - what would impress you? Or what would make you think about the BS in a good light? Any thoughts would be helpful!!! Thank you! Cherie

cnf,
I'm a BH but since there were no replies yet I'm trying to put myself in those shoes a minute.

I think that I would like a fathers day card. Not much of a note inside. Keep it short. No I love you's but could be signed "Love cnf".

I think it would get me to think positively about you for at least a short time. (Remember I'm not in a fog though so maybe not). However, I can't see where it would hurt since you are still trying to Plan A.

JMO, hopefully a WH/FWH will respond with more help.

I too am a BS, and my D is older (6). Every year on Father's Day I had her hand prints put on a white tee shirt with fabric paint, then dated the year. So I wasn't sure what to do this time. WH actually asked if I wanted the t-shirt to do it again this year. I told him no. He can't have everything the same. Still, he had left in such a hurry to be with OW, he didn't take any photos with him. So I had my D pick out a photo album (cheap one), pick out her favorite photos (made sure a couple good lookin ones of me with her as my baby were chosen <img border="0" title="" alt="[Wink]" src="images/icons/wink.gif" /> ), then put her handprints and date on the cover of the album. I thought he would find this very touching and it was good therapy for me watching her put this together and helping a little. Anyway, your tyke really isn't old enough for this. So I don't know if I answered your question or not. Sorry. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Confused]" src="images/icons/confused.gif" />

cnf,
In plan A I would send him a card, even a little note, telling him what father-like qualities you admire in him. Thanking him for the precious gift of your child.
I had planned on sending some old photos and cards from the kids, but I sent a Plan B letter instead, it was time.

Thank you all for your input! I decided to get him a card and CD (he loves music) from her. It was under $15.00. I knew WH would love the CD it is his favorite band and it had only been out a week. I didn't think WH would have had time or money to get it yet. I wrote in the card that we love and miss him... and signed it from Skylar and had her doddle in it. (The card said something about liking to spend time with her daddy.)

WH came over on Saturday for about two hours. I went ahead and gave it to him then because I had a feeling he wasn't going to come over on Sunday. I was hurt - WH already had the CD but was going to exchange it for something else. WH didn't even say Thank you!

I had to call him to remind him that I needed the childsupport before friday - I use it for DayCare. He didn't answer of course. Then called to let me know that he wasn't blowing me off that he had told me that he was going to his Grandparents house and had just got home - he was going there at 10:30am and this was at 7pm. He never use to spend that much time with his family.

I think he did this on purpose because I wouldn't let him take our D anywhere because I don't trust that OW will not be around. I think she must have been around for him not to come over.

Anyway I told him that it wasn't me he was blowing off it was our D and that she deserved better. He told me that he was sorry and that he was on his way to play softball and would call me on Wednesday. I wanted to tell him that obviously she wasn't important to him since softball came before and OW came before her....

Anyway - I know this is more than you bargained for but it is what happened. I am now angry and confused... But Thank you for your thoughts.

CNF:

Remember. Still in the fog. Stick to your PLAN without expecting to see the results. The PLAN matters in the long run.

Take Care.

Thanks Mimi! It is so hard. I know it had to affect him in some way - but I am not use to this cold shoulder that I am getting. In the past when we have had problems I have always been able to reason with him. This fog is pretty thick. It s*cks.

hi cnf...i think I know hoiw you are feeling!! I have 3 kids with my WH ages 12, 8 and 9 months, I biought him a card and a gift just before everythign came out into the open! I debated on whether or not to give it to him..I ended up decideing to give it to him..it was a nice card that had my feelings in it and I decided since my feelings hadnt changed I would still give it to him!! I felt sad at the same time, I said i bought this as a gift for you because you are such a great dad and now I feel as though it is a going a way present!! It really does suck! My Wh is so blocked off to anything i say right now,...he has decided he shiould move on with the OW as he is in love with her ( he went to school with her for a yr when he was 18 about 12 yrs agao and now has been back in contact for less that 2 months..was not even a month when he told me he was in love with her) So I kow all about the fog as they call it..I wish there was someway to knock the wall down that he has out around him!! this isnt really anyb help or advice..just thot I would share..sounds like we have some similarites!! michelle

Hi Michelle! Yes this fog thing is such a selfish inconsiderate stage and it really bugs me. I can't believe that someone would give up the security and committment in a relationship for what? a momentary fling. I am hurt but also am beginning to find it kindof humorous - the obsurdity of it all. My WH thinks he is "in love" and that they will be together "hopefully" forever. They haven't even known each other that long and don't know each other very well. They are supposedly buying a house together - the humor in that is that he now has no money to do so. OW may but he doesn't - so in actuallity OW is supporting him financially. What a joke! It still hurts though! Frustrating!

It's nice to know you are not alone! Thanks Cherie

My WS was closed off initially right after D-Day and when I began PLAN A. Folks on here encouraged me to persevere despite his coldness and meanness.

Now he has moved on the fence and wants to cake-eat, thus my PLAN B. He has told me that my actions during PLAN A did have a major effect on him and still do. He kept waiting for me to change back and even tried to provoke me in order to justify his A. I have remained steadfast in my PLAN.

Try not to pay any attention to him and focus on what you need to do. I know. I found it hard to do that too. I'm still finding it to be difficult but that should be our goal. We only have control over ourselves and not our WSes, unfortunately.

<small>[ June 16, 2003, 07:42 PM: Message edited by: mimi1254 ]</small>