Also posted on EN Forum

So as not to highjack Seven Years's post, I thought I would carry on one of the issues discussed in ther thread.

Seven Years wrote:

I am unhappy because the person my husband is now is not the same person that I married. My husband sees my disatisfaction, and tells me, repeatedly that I should leave if I'm unhappy...So it appears that I am trying to change him, but I see it as trying to change him back into what he once was.

Now I realize that the context of this statement was dealing with alcoholism, a disease that can be cured but only by the willing. The twist I want to put forth in this thread is that I have read in many instances that many BSs (and many WSs for that matter) have made this same statement "I want him to be the man he was when we first married."

I certainly would not want my H to be the same man he was 20 years ago. Is it then just a matter that a couple can grow apart without the other realizing it until it is too late?

There was a thread dealing with the emotional separation of a couple because of the education of the W seem to be an intimidating factor to the H. If education changes your partner should you not praise him because he is bettering himself, changing himself? What if he took up a new hobby that was intellectually stimulating, but took time away from couple time? Is it the job of the other spouse to try and learn a little of the hobby so recreational companionship can be satified?

Is getting a new degree a positive change in a partner but which may separate you intetlecttualy? What about changing your political (and/or religious) views totally from when you first married?

Ithink we change more between 20-40 as we do from 0-20. (What wonders will come between 40-60) Anybody out there in this age group that can share a little insight <img border="0" title="" alt="[Big Grin]" src="images/icons/grin.gif" />

I guess the real question is: Do we regret the change our spouse underwent or do we regret the changes we did not make?

Mychae had a brilliant insight: she said you begin to bridge the gap with forgiveness about being disappointed in your partner. Then, I guess you BOTH keep change from there but this time in the same direction.

Seven Years also have an interesting insight. She said:

What I want to know is how can I learn to love who my husband has become. Deep down, as a whole package, he's still a great guy - bright, ambitious and extremely generous.

I guess when we state that we want the person we married back, we just have to know that they are not there anymore but more importantly that we are not ther anymore either. We just have to let go of our expectations that he/she will remain the same and look at the wonders that our spouses have achieved and most importantly GROW WITH THEM.