Hi,

Though I don't see a lot of familiar names anymore, thought I'd post an update.

First I need to say things to those who helped me through. This was the most trying, life-changing, exhausting, well, you all know, time in my life. But, guess what, I got through it. Thanks in large part to my friends here.

I did not recover my marriage. My divorce was final on April 2, 03. By the time it came around I had accepted it and was actually relieved it was all over.

I don't think my WH and I ever had a chance. After an initial waffling period, he never expressed any thought of coming home. He still lives out of state. I have no idea if he still sees OW. I was telling 21 yr. old D tonight that it was strange I was married to him for 25 yrs. and we don't even talk anymore, except for some occasionally pleasantries on the phone or by e-mail. I stayed out of the divorce pretty much letting my lawyer handle it all and take all the blame and guff. So I guess in terms of good/bad divorce ours went fairly smoothly. I do have some money concerns and the need to get back to school and find a career, but all is well.

My kids have fared pretty good. I worry a lot about long-term effects, especially on my son (13), he really misses his dad and the kids have limited contact, once a week phone calls, and about 4 time a year short visits. But that was WH's choice. Unfortunately I have to be mom and dad. But I'm trying.

As far as how I am doing. Well..... I guess great would be the best word. All the plan A really helped me. I am more confindent, look better and I am happier than I have been in a long time. I realize now that our marriage had a lot of problems. Not unfixable, but it definitly takes two. Everyone is so right when they say you can't MAKE the other person, feel or do anything, all you can do is work on you.

I have made good and bad decisions and probably will continue to do so. Things are more complicated now. Everything was easy when my life and future seemed mapped out. Well, the map flew out the window, now only faith and perserverance guide me.

As I said my H never made any attempt and once the divorce talk started in June of last year, it became increasingly obvious that there wasn't going to be any reconciliation. I don't know what his status is with his OW. He never mentions it to anyone, and is far enough away that no one knows what he is doing, even his family. I have an increased sense that this was an exit affair. He just wanted out for what ever reasons. Now I see that maybe it was best for both of us. I didn't want to separate or divorce but I was getting tired of being the only one trying. As he said he gave up a long time ago, and that doesn't make for happiness no matter how hard one person tries.

My real turning point in this whole thing came on New Year's Eve. I listened to the same song over and over and cried for about 3 hrs. Then I don't know what happened, it was like POOF, it was over for me. I haven't hardly had a down day about this whole mess since. I was actually happy coming out of my court required divorce class. If anyone had told me I would have sat through that class without a sadness or tear I would have told them they were nuts. But I came out with a smile on my face, and a determination to make the best of my new life.

I started dating someone a couple of weeks after the New Year's thing. It was weird because I wasn't expecting much, just wanted to get out. But I am still dating him and we are quite happy. He is wonderful to me, and I am wonderful to him. I don't know the future, but, it is just another thing that I never imagined. I didn't think I'd ever meet or want to meet anyone else. I thought I'd be to scared, and I was and am, but it's okay. I am happier than I ever thought I would ever be again, and not just because of him. I am just happy. Happy I tried, happy I had 25 yrs with a good man who gave me a wonderful family, happy I have friends and family, happy to live life, happy to make it through scarred but stronger in a lot of ways. Most of all just happy to be who I am, where I am, how I am.

To those who read this and are still trying, keep it up. I do believe with all my heart that the MB principles are your best chance. I just had the cards stacked against me. And plan A will help YOU. It is your best chance to be better no matter what the outcome of your situation. Have faith, pray and be strong.

To all my MB friends... I can never thank all of you enough. I wish the best for all of you.

My best,

Sharon

Dear Sharon

I read your update and felt uplifted by your positive and cheery outlook. I am so glad to hear that things have worked out for you and that you can be happy with your lot. You sound a lot like me - sometimes things just hit you and you know that you did your best and that won't change your H or anything about him, but it enables you to live a fuller and happier life.

I had my "turning point" just after Easter. I hit a massive low and then something inside me snapped. I realised I could do no more and reconciliation certainly wasn't for us or me - then I was OK, because I could begin to recover myself, and yes it does get easier doesn't it.

Like you, I can't imagine being with anyone else again, but I still think one day I may meet someone. I guess I'm just not ready yet. The DV (Nisi) comes through next Friday and we still have to organise finances. I need to concentrate my efforts on that and saving my home. That's important for now and being a loving and caring step-parent to my two girls - again like your son who are so acutely affected by their Father's attitude who just can't see it!! Ho hum, another story.

Sharon, thank you for sharing this. I know all of us come here to try and save our Ms, but sadly one size doesn't fit all. Some save their Ms and that's great, but others don't. It's still great to hear that they recover and save themselves <img border="0" title="" alt="[Smile]" src="images/icons/smile.gif" />

Wishing you well from very sunny hot London.

Lisa

Thank you for sharing.
It helps those of us who are still trying to save our M's that life does go on with or without our spouses. And that life can be good and fun and loving, even if we have a hard time seeing that right now.
You sound strong and I am happy that "your" recovery is going so well.
Best wishes for a continued happy future.

Thanks for the post.

There are some days that I also think my wifes affair may be the exit kind. But I hope not, it's really to early to tell.

If I find myself alone in the future I think I'm going to look for someone who was betrayed and took the time and effort to find the awnsers about what happened, what they did in thier marriage and how to improve themselves. Someone who's gained relationship and communication experiance and who was willing to fight for what they had.

Hi Sharon,
You did the Plan A that allows you to move on knowing you did your best. Move on with as few regrets as possible.

I'm really glad for your present happiness.

Hugs,

Sharon,

Good to hear from you. Guess all that plan A stuff pays off regardless of where the M ends, 'eh? <img border="0" title="" alt="[Smile]" src="images/icons/smile.gif" />

You sound much better and stronger. Regardless of whether your XH is with an OW or by himself, he is the loser in this situation. His family has survived despite his attempts (via the A) against them.

Let us know how you are doing, ok?

take care,
L.

Sharon,
It's great to hear how well you're doing. I'm so happy for you.

You've been a great help and support for me and my recovery from my divorce. Thanks for that.

Take care and please do come back and visit,
H_P

Sharon,
I don't come on as much now and just happened to see your post. I am so glad to see things are going well for you and that you are happy. You make a very wise point about Plan A. I do believe it is of benefit no matter where we end up in our marriage.

Your story is an inspiration.

Thanks everyone for your replies.

Lisa, thanks for your kind words. I am glad you had your turning point. It feels good after months and months of wondering if you'll ever feel normal again, let alone happy. Sorry you are still having difficulties with your H. It is sad for the kids. But I have learned so well we can only change ourselves, if others see our changes, that is our goal, but that is something we can't control. Take care of those girls and yourself.

Learnin, yes I know when you are in the midst of the situation it is almost impossible to look ahead and see any light at the end of the tunnel. Just try to remember it is there and that no matter the outcome of your paticular situation you can be a better, stronger person.
Thanks for the good wishes.

Good guy, someone once posted to me that it didn't matter what kind of affair it was, you still had a chance to save your M. I believe that. My circumstances though almost negated any chance of that. So don't give up. Good luck to you.

Lor, Thanks so much. You have always been a source of wise help. In fact I think you told me the above post I spoke of. I can think of many times when your advice helped me see things in a different way and made things easier. Take care and thanks again.

Orchid, I think you were the first person to post to me and give me a cyber-hug. I so admire your courage and strength and your determination to help others. You are a real blessing to this board. I needed someone like you. Thanks.

H_P, Friend, I am happy for me too, thanks. I know your road has been so hard. But, you just keep hanging in there. I have a feeling wonderful things are in store for you. You have learned so much, and given so much. You have definitely been through the refiner's fire. I don't have any advice for you except to just keep following your heart. I think your H, whether he will ever admit it, will someday be sorry if he doesn't give you another chance. But like I say unfortunately we can't control that. You take good care of you and don't work too hard. Thanks for helping me understand some things that I don't think I would have ever understood. You are a friend. Thanks

Espoir, guess we posted at the same time. I want to thank you, too. You are a great help. Hope everything is good for you, I don't think I've talked to you in quite awhile. I don't know about inspiration, but thanks. I think there is so much to be learned from every story. And I agree wholeheartedly about Plan A. I look back and can't imagine being where I am without the help and guidance and the PLAN I got here. I know I did not save my M. But somehow that isn't the point. Thanks for all your help.
Sharon