I am new to this board. My wife just told me
6-6-03 that she wanted a Devorice and she was leaving to live with a freind of hers. I asked her what I could do to fix this and she said "nothing, I don't want to fix this." I asked her if she would go to tharipy with me and she said "no, I do not love you anymore and I do not want to be married to you."
The next morning she left. Were do I go? what do I do? <img border="0" alt="[Teary]" title="" src="graemlins/teary.gif" />

Chikar,

Welcome to the forum. Sorry it's such a hard time for you. The sad reality about women is that by the time they leave, they feel so neglected that it's often difficult to change their minds....but NOT impossible. Please tell us more about your marriage and what you believe led up to your wife's departure.

Chikar,
Welcome to MB though I am sure you wish you didn't have this problem.

Like many of us, we came here with a huge problem and learned how to handle it. I recommend you start with some reading. Start with the concepts section above. Get ahold of the books surviving an affair and his needs/her needs, both are by Dr. Willard Harley.

Right now, know you are not the best one to deal with your W. You may need to share more but it seems she prefers the company of others to yourself. Do you have any idea why? That is for you to think about when you are reading.

There is a lot to learn here and support. It will require you do some reading, find a good MC and if needed, visit a doctor. MB also offers the phone couseling services of Steve and Jennifer. Both are good MCs.

Learn what plan A & B are then figure out which is best to use. Start working that way. It will help you strenghten yourself so if and when your W comes to her senses you will be 'looking good'. There is no guarantee she will come back but if not what you learn here will still be of benefit.

Pray for a clear mind and a calm heart. Know you can't tell her what to do right now so preaching anything to her is futile....for the momment.

Let us know how you are doing.

take care,
L.

Yes she said I did not pay any attention to her and I neglected her, however we have been together for 16 years and the lack of attention has only been the past 2. I had to really fight to find this out..she just won't talk and never has. I have been deprest for about 2 years and just now am realizing that it was a problem, but to her this realization is "too little too late"

Chikar,

It's normal for her to feel as if it's too late when she is in withdrawal. That doesn't mean this situation is hopeless....but what it does mean is that she needs to BELIEVE that the changes you make are REAL and consistent and that you are truly committed to your marriage. And she needs to believe it BEFORE she finds someone else to meet these needs (if she hasn't already). Orchid is right....go read about Plan A and B, click here .

She says she has not found someone else and she is faithful.. and I beleave this. But as far as her seeing and beleaving the change I don't see how she can when she moved out and won't talk to me or see me, and were I am a devorce can go through faster than I can get help with the depression, we could be devorced in less than 3 months here.. I am reading about Plan A & B now.

Chikar,

I know several people who have done a successful Plan A while separated. Please don't lose faith yet....you're just beginning and it is a PROCESS. There is another article that I would like you to read it's called Why Women Leave Men .

chikar ...

don't count your wife or yourself out yet.

me: depressive and not diagnosed until "it was too little too late." began taking meds and within a matter of weeks it was like i started living again. i use them sporadically now. along with learning how to be a better husband, i educated myself about my disease and got help for it. i recommend you do the same.

wife: wayward and in love with another man, moved out five weeks after i began my meds. little or no hope our marriage could be saved.

us: separated for seven months. she's home now and our recovery is underway.

read everything you can at the "meat and potatoes" part of the site. come here to ask questions and clarify what you've been reading.

marriages have come back from the grave because one person had the intestinal fortitude to stand up for the marriage and against the fear ... and was strong enough sometimes to carry both spouses through it. believe me.

<small>[ June 14, 2003, 10:31 PM: Message edited by: whippit ]</small>