Since becoming the OM, I am now confronted with a dilemma. SWM meets MWW. MWW having marital issues long before coincidental public meeting. MWW soon to be separated . . . What can I say ? We are in love, and although I have never married before and have no children . . . I am so afraid of being the cause of any harm to anyone. She is sincerely a very good friend, first and foremost, and my intentions have always been honorable ( as honorable as can be, with falling in love with a married woman). Our friendship has evolved into an albeit plutonic relationship, yet with such tremendously fulfilling and passionate rewards with a sense that one day, someday, the noise will subside and we can meet on a level playing field. How can I be a better man, and a better friend, without her friends and family, ex-husband and in-laws, tearing at the fabric we have woven ? Since she has children, I am just trying to lay some sort of foundation for future relationships with her ex, and so on. Any suggestions ?

Carlton - <P>GET AWAY FROM HER!! NOW!!!<P>I am a betrayed husband. Unless and until you experience the extreme gut wrenching, self esteem crushing, suicide thought provoking pain that accompanies infidelity, you have no idea what you're doing.<P>Nobody wins in an adulterous relationship. There is plenty of pain to go around. Even though it might feel "right" now with her, believe me when I tell you it won't last and YOU and HER will eventually feel the pain - even to the point of suicide. Browse through some of these posts - you'll see the devastation brought forth by these fantasies for the betrayers.<P>I'm pleading with you man. Get away from her. She and you will feel pain, but NOTHING like you will if the relationship heats up. Harley, the infidelity expert, says that you will only LOSE in the end. Man to man - you have no idea the agony her H will feel/is feeling. Don't go any farther.

Okay, you come to a web site about marriages and you want advice. I don't think you will like what you're gonna hear, but pleasse read & heed the advice.<P>If she is married, stop ALL contact with her now! You are only confusing her more as to what she needs to do. Wait until she is divorced until you see her again. If your "love" is so grand, you will both be ready to make it afterwards. She is married right now & deserves to not have you interfere with her & her husband. After all, she did marry him and have his children. <P>------------------<BR>Prayers & God Bless!<BR>Chris<BR>For relationship info check out <A HREF="http://www.pcisys.net/~chriscal1/resources.html" TARGET=_blank>www.pcisys.net/~chriscal1/resources.html</A> <BR>

First of all, I would suggest you two put things on hold. You are only going to make things worse if you are right there to save her when her divorce is finalized. I can tell you right now that if there was someone else involved in a break up between my bil and sil, even if it was after things went sour, that person would not be accepted.<P>Also if she leaves her H for you, not even consciensly, how do you know she won't do the same to you?????

All marriages have "marital issues". They were not serious enough to result in separation before you came along. Now she is planning to separate, you say. Coincidence? I don't think so. <P>You are planning to destroy a family. You are not laying a foundation - you are tearing a home apart. If you truly loved her as a friend you would do everything possible to encourage her to work out her problems with her husband, for her sake and the sake of her children. Do you want her to have to live with the guilt for the rest of her life of causing her children to lose one of their parents and their trust and innocence? If you truly loved her you would not want to harm her children so.

carlton,<P>I'm afraid what everyone is telling you is what you must do. These guys are hurt by their wives leaving them, so maybe you're taking what they're saying with a grain of salt. So maybe you'll listen when I (a former OM like yourself) say it:<P>Stay away from her. She needs to figure out her marriage. When you are in the picture, it only confuses matters. It makes it worse. Her marriage is only between her and her husband. If they end up getting divorced, well then so be it. Then she can seek you out and you can make something of your relationship. But right now, the absolute best thing to do is to stay away from her and let her work things out by herself.<P>If she really loves you, then she will end up with the divorce and she can then find you on her own. If she ends up staying with her husband, you must let her stay there and have no further contact at all.<P>I know this is probably the last thing you wanted to hear and you're probably thinking it's impossible to do. Well, yeah... but you have to do it!<P>--andy

Shattered1 . . . women are people, and why can't a friend be just that without the jealousy or "anguish" ? sorry, man, but I am 45 and not a teenager. the relationship is plutonic, and will survive my ego.<P>Chris . . . stay away? we live nearly 500 miles apart . . . not a problem.<P>Sarah . . . I don't know, and frankly, I don't really care. Their marriage was on the rocks before I met her, and yes . . . if she stepped out on this guy, she would do the same with me. But you see, the way I figure it, even with a marriage certificate, in this country you don't own anyone. As long as she wants to be with me, so be it. The main thing is that true friendship is planted so love can grow, and she will always be my friend. Get over it, ladies and gentlemen. The possibility of two people caring for one another without getting in their own way is possible when truth and honesty always takes the highground. Everything else is in the shadows . . .

Carlton - <P>Age has nothing to do with it - affairs can happen between people of any age. Read Harley's material. She is vulnerable to an affair with you - your relationship may be platonic now, but it won't be long before you profess your true feeling to each other and then its off to the races.<P>With your attitude, you won't be winning many friends here. Why don't you go visit the Marriage Busters site?

Oh, only 500 miles? How about the guy who flew to Australia to meet his OW? Or the lady who went to England to live with her OM & dumped her family? Yeah, 500 miles seems like nothing.<P>Besides I didn't say stay away. I said stop ALL contact with her now!<P>If her marriage was on the rocks before you showed up, then let it die without you interfering. <BLOCKQUOTE><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><HR>The possibility of two people caring for one another without getting in their own way is possible when truth and honesty always takes the highground. Everything else is in the shadows . . .<HR></BLOCKQUOTE>Huh? I don't get it.<P>She has been totally honest with her husband about you, right?<P>------------------<BR>Prayers & God Bless!<BR>Chris<BR>For relationship info check out <A HREF="http://www.pcisys.net/~chriscal1/resources.html" TARGET=_blank>www.pcisys.net/~chriscal1/resources.html</A> <BR>

Oh Carlton........where to begin?<P>I am only going to point out a few things that you should think about.<P>First - Do you believe that she and her husband never had those fulfilling and passionate feelings? Don't kid yourself any further if you do.....those feelings are wonderful and you want them to last forever, but - they don't!!!! Life has a way of throwing real day to day issues at us and those feelings lessen....for the lucky ones they are revisited occasionally - for others they are not.<P>So along comes someone who we confide in and makes us feel not so alone and missing out on things. We need excitement and this person fulfills that need.....we can imagine all sorts of wonderful adventures that we can do with this new person...<P>She felt that way when she met her husband and now possibly with you, who knows. I wonder though, how do you determine which one of you are "it"?<P>You're playing with fire!! Like a child with matches you will burn yourself. You have no business messing with this woman!! You are not her FRIEND!! She does not want or need another friend!! <P>Stop kidding yourself.....FRIENDS don't want something more!!!! FRIENDS don't encourage a person to let them fulfill their needs instead of sending them back to their spouse with encouragement of working on the marriage!!! <P>When members of the opposite sex meet - and one or more are married or are in a relationship at all - certain barriers should go up!!! You both, it seems, crashed through those barriers with no thought of who would be affected!! <P>Do you think her husband knows about that barrier crashing? Do you think her husband has been told all about you and everything that you are fulfilling that he is not? Do you think that she will be able to give her all to her husband with you being there as her FRIEND?<BR>As a Friend of a married person, would you not also become a friend to the spouse? Why not? You're only friends, remember?<P>C'mon Carlton.....You speak of truth and honesty......where's yours?????<P>I only want you to think a little bit more - this is not what you need to get into. Relationships are hard enough when begun on truly honest foundations.<P>The one you're dreaming of, sorry, but it is building on quicksand.<P>Get out before you are sucked under and she and her husband and families of theirs are sucked in also!!!!<P>If it is something that is "Meant to be" than it will come back to you. Don't let yourself be used to pull this woman out of something....she must take care of business herself (along with her husband).<P>I hope this helps some<P>Hugs and Prayers that you see past your dream.<P>Sheba<BR>

hmmm... poor Carlton, you are in deep!<P>How did you get to this board? This is a board for people trying to REBUILD their marriages - hence the name MARRIAGE BUILDERS. <BR>You are not a marriage builder, my friend, you are a marriage breaker. Yes, it may well be love, but probably not. And yes, it's gonna hurt to do the right thing, but that is what you'll HAVE TO DO. She isn't your friend, she's your married lover (even if it's just emotional). <P>I have to say that when I first read this I could not believe my eyes - the fabric you have woven?? You are a romantic at heart, I'm sure, and it sounds lovely, except for the little problem that SHE ISN'T YOURS to begin with. <P>If I sound bitter and mean, I truly am sorry. I come from the side of a W who betrayed her H and I heard a lot of the kinds of things that you're saying... from the OM! It was all so romantic, so sweet, so dear, so loving, SO WRONG!!<P>Back up and get out of her life so that she can work on her marriage. Yes, she'll be angry, but she'll respect you more in the end. I promise!! If and when it ends completely and her H is OUT OF THE PICTURE, then you have a right to be her "friend". Until then, RUN, don't walk, AWAY.<BR>Before it's too late!!

So this forum is for folks who have never met a separated/divorced person and found happiness with "used" merchandize? You all sound so much like owners of prperty, and as if you think you will live forever. Is it so unimaginable that (a) an "affair" can, and does, evolve into a lasting long-term relationship (b) the emotional support an OM can offer MWW while eduring the bitterness most men have when they are rejected ? (c) maybe I can learn from your mistakes . . . seems like living one day at a time is so hard to believe in these days . . . oh well . .

Carlton -<P>What exactly are you here for? <P>Why are you speaking about separated or divorced people?<P>Your "friend" is neither!!!!<P>When she is divorced - then you can say and do what you want and noone will have a problem if you have handled your end without perpetuating the lies and infidelety.<P>What is this "used" nonsense that you are spouting off about?<P>Really Carlton, what's going on with you?<P>Prayers to you for comfort,<P>Sheba

<BLOCKQUOTE><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><HR>(a) an "affair" can, and does, evolve into a lasting long-term relationship<HR></BLOCKQUOTE>Care to make a wager on that? The odds are very high it won’t work.<P> <BLOCKQUOTE><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><HR>(b) the emotional support an OM can offer MWW while eduring the bitterness most men have when they are rejected ?<HR></BLOCKQUOTE>Why isn’t she leaning on her H for emotional support?<BR> <BLOCKQUOTE><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><HR>(c) maybe I can learn from your mistakes<HR></BLOCKQUOTE>I have yet to read anything you posted which says you are even considering anything we say!

Carlton,<P> Marriage is not about ownership; it's about committment.<P> She is cheating on her husband and sneaking around with you whenever she can and "truth and honesty always takes the highground. Everything else is in the shadows."?<P>Excuse me, but it looks like YOU are the one in the "shadows."<P>Excuse me again, but it's time for me to go to bed, and I don't have the time or patience for this kind of crap at the moment.<P>Carlton, hate to say it, ol' buddy; but, you are full of it!!! Have a couple of Ex-Lax on me!<BR> <BR>(Sorry, Tempest!)

Two questions:<P>1) Carlton, why are you here?<P>2) What does MWW stand for???????<P><P>------------------<BR>Love is meant to heal. Love is meant to renew. Love is meant to oust all fear. Love is meant to harmonize differences. Love is meant to bring us closer to God.

New Woman: MWW is married white woman, I believe.<P>Carlton: I wish you had taken the time to read the our profiles, as well as the postings here. I would wager that at least one half of the betrayed/betrayers started their relationship with "just being a friend." I don't really know what kind of support you are seeking here, but right now, I don't think you will be getting it. BUT, c'mon back when MWW has dumped SWM, and all of us here at MB (although you will not have married her) will be more than happy to lend you a hand, as well as a shoulder to cry on. <P>Success Story (why me)

Carlton,<P>I for one appreciate your point of view, even though I am betrayed.<P>If I were in your shoes, yes I would be happy that I had found that "true love", but I could never accept that love from someone who had been denied the opportunity to ensure that their marriage had been given every chance and that divorce was the right decision. I wouldn't want someone who may have second thoughts.<P>By continuing to communicate with this woman you are denying her and her spouse the freedom to try to meet each others needs. "True love" will wait. Are you afraid that you might lose her to her husband, or that she might just decide to divorce and be single? By continuing your relationship you are only driving the marriage further on the rocks.<P>

Hi Carlton<P>*** Same post here as your other thread titled Courage ***<P>I see you are here to help you keep this MWW after she leaves her H (and children?). You want this MWW and you will learn as much as possible here to keep her. What I think you should do is try to understand that she at one time did love her H and her life. Something happened in her marriage to make her seek comfort elsewhere. This MWW may not realize yet what she is doing and will not wake up until she actually leaves her old life. When she wakes up you will no longer seem worth all the pain she has caused her H and children and you will then feel the pain. <P>Save this MWW from making a very painfull mistake. Let her have the knowledge here to rebuild her marriage, to save her children and H from unbelievable pain which is about to unfold. I do not doubt that you "love" this MWW and she may feel "love" for you but with some help from Marriage Builders she can replace your "love" with her H love and they can and will be happy as well as her children.<P>Life is too short... give MWW children and H a chance. They deserve it and you can provide them this opportunity. Think about them and not about yourself.<P>Thank You <BR>