How long does this last.
When does one know when to go on.
It has been 4 years now of back and forth.
I know that I have made many mistakes and hurt alot of people.
I am the WS.
I have one week to talk to H.
He is not responding and I am not one to push the topic.
I know he has gone on.
I found condoms in his bathroom and feel stupid for even being here.
I am sorry for what I have done to him, I see that he has gone on with his life and I am someone he tolerates because we have 2 beautiful boys together.
I don't want to leave here without a resolution of some sort.
I want to tell him how sorry I am, Iwant to tell him that I made so many mistakes and can't believe how I have treated him.
I want him to know he was a very good Husband, Father, Lover and friend.
I was the one who had issues, I was the one who broke the most important vow of all.
I want to kiss him, hold him and tell him I understand his not wanting me back as his wife.
I want to let him know that I will always love him and hope one day he will find it in his heart to forgive me.
I wish him long life and happiness and because of my selfishness I will never be able to see him laugh, cry , get ready for work, come home tired and cranky. I won't see him hold the boys when they are sad, encourage them when they are down. Look at me with those beautiful eyes.
I will miss him for the rest of my life.

Lucidity,

I hear your pain, now what you found, does it hurt you? Should it? Yes it should. The fact is does is a good sign.

If you really meant what you wrote, your H s/b the one to hear it, see it and feel it. Since you have children, your children should be able to do the same.

Now you have written it, are you up to saying it and following through?

This post is not meant to make you angry, I hope you are able to use it wisely to help you heal. You may or may not have lost your H and family. That choice? That choice is up to you. It may be a longer road but you don't have to keep going down that path.

I am dealing with a totally dysfunctional family not just right now but for my entire married life. Not just 1 person but most of my in-laws. We came back this weekend from helping my SIL move out due to her breakup. She has 3 children, injured and can't work, not now. She battled with drug issues and an alcoholic H. She is a smart girl but her decisions have not been too wise. She looks like a broken woman. She used to be very high spirited and sassy.

Well only now are we able to help her. Only now is she willing to listen and be helped. Only now she can heal. She and her children have paid a high price for her taking sooo long to learn this lesson.

You know what? I actually see more hope for you and your H that for my SIL and her H. Yet I and others now have to live helping my SIL pick up the pieces and start over again.

You have the opportunity to do better than that.

take care,
L.

I am so nervous right now.
I am wanting so desperatly to talk to H about our future.
I don't want to push him to talk.
Who am I to demand answers.
This has gone on so long.
I just feel it needs to come to some end.
So many what if going through my mind.
I am afraid I will forget everything I have wanted to talk about.
Do I make a list on paper of what I am feeling so as to not forget anything?
Is it okay to tell him I love him.
Even if his answer is no.
I don't want him feeling hurt or guilty about anything.
I don't think I have cried so much in my life.
To see what a good person he has turned out to be through all of this.
I remember that was one of his qualities that I was so proud to watch and be a part of.
If he decides to move on without me, will I be okay?
God, I am so afraid right now.
I have learned a valuable lesson at a very high price.
I hope that people woman or man will think twice before having an affair.
I know now that it was one of the most selfish things I could have done.

Writing out your feelings on paper is an EXCELLENT idea. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Smile]" src="images/icons/smile.gif" /> You might find that writing your H out a letter (love letter?) as opposed to actually saying the words, would benefit you most as well. That way, he has a chance to read it over and over again, and you do too... which will help you to keep your emotions in check (if you're like me, sometimes it's hard to talk if I'm all choked up from crying. <img border="0" alt="[Teary]" title="" src="graemlins/teary.gif" /> ).

You have a VERY fortunate position lucidity... one that most of us would only dream of. You have an H who is already knowledgable on the MB principles, and how to apply them to a relationship.

Have you filled out the "Emotional Needs" questionnaires? Better yet, have you asked your H to do them for you? I can almost guarantee that you would be adding to his love bank if you ask that he fill them out for you. The next important step would be to fulfil his needs as much as possible. And you can keep YOUR papers handy, so that he can fulfil your needs too... when he's ready (you'll have to ask him when that will be...he's the only one with the answer).

As far as the condoms, gee... I sure know what goes through a persons mind. But I also know that I have condoms in my house too. I haven't had sex since I was with my H, back in October sometime. But I picked them up from the abused women's centre (they keep a basket of them in the bathrooms <img border="0" title="" alt="[Wink]" src="images/icons/wink.gif" /> ). I can't help it though... I'll take anything if it's for free! <img border="0" title="" alt="[Razz]" src="images/icons/tongue.gif" />

Keep posting. Keep talking it out. We're here to help you if we can. Just ask. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Smile]" src="images/icons/smile.gif" />

Karen

Hi lucidity,

I'm glad to see that you came here for support while you are figuring out what you want and what you are willing to do. I can see by your post that you are full of pain, and I'm glad you are posting because there are others here who can advise you on what actions you can take to start healing your pain, your FBH's pain, and your kids' pain.

Topie's advice was excellent--asking your FBH to fill out the EN questionnaire. That will give you a roadmap of where to start. Focusing on fulfilling FBH's top EN's will deposit love units in his $Love Bank, and it will also help YOU get past the pain of your past actions by replacing them with new and better actions that show you are changing.

You asked:
"When does one know when to go on."

My answer--After one has made every effort to rebuild the marriage, and knows in their heart that there is absolutely, positively, nothing more they can do. It varies but this probably takes a minimum of six months of consistent effort in learning and applying these new principles.

Have you looked at the info pages of this site yet? Is it the kind of marriage you want? If it is, can you get coaching from Steve Harley to help you get started? If you're not sure if this is the kind of marriage you want, let us know how we can help you while you make that decision ok?

Take care lucidity, it gets better as WE get better <img border="0" title="" alt="[Smile]" src="images/icons/smile.gif" />

Hi Lucidity,

Thanks for responding. You have gotten good support from those posting to you.

Your suggestions to write down your feelings are very good. I 2nd your suggestion! <img border="0" title="" alt="[Smile]" src="images/icons/smile.gif" />

At this point you can let your H know how you feel and more importantly show him. That will be recognized with time and patience.

So for now, pray for a clear mind and a calm heart.

You and your H have been down a rough road. The miles ahead can be less bumpy but not smooth yet. But it can be..... it is up to the both of you to make it so. Keep working on your part.

take care,
L.

Lucidity-

I just saw this.... <img border="0" title="" alt="[Frown]" src="images/icons/frown.gif" />

I know how confused you are right now...but as I've said before to you write it down. YOu need to understand what YOU feel before you can approach your H. You do need to tell him though. It is the only way to find a solution.

Would you be happy D right now, knowing that you want to come home but have allowed fear to stop you from trying?

Just becuase you found (used) condoms in the house doesn't mean it has to end. Trust me, the man waited 4 years for you...if you worked hard, it could still happen.

Don't give up. Fight for your family. Fight for you. Make a stand and stick to your guns, if that is what you need. I know deep in your heart you want to go home, talk with H and work out a way to do this....

Now at least you understand how he felt when you chose to be with OM. Maybe you can see how much he loved you by trying to get you to come home for so long.

Girl, you have it in you. Just start writing and answer any questions he has. Hopefully what he has learned here at MB will kick in and help you guys resolve this...

I'm here...always.

I also want to add that it's been 9 months since I first decided to work on it. It seemed hopeless and GF moved in but just Sunday he told me I love you too. It had been over a year since I heard him say that....

YOU CAN DO THIS! Do not give up hope...

<small>[ June 17, 2003, 08:24 AM: Message edited by: kily ]</small>