I talked with the H.
He does not want to get back together right now.
He wants me to leave OM for good with our son.
He does not want us living together.
I would get my own apartment or go live with a friend for awhile so OM cannot find me.
He said we could work on it, if I took the first step.
I am going to make that step.
I want to know if things can work long distance.
I came on here yesterday as Rogue. For some reason I could not get lucidity to work and I really needed to talk with someone last night.
I really need some help on this one.

He does not want to get back together right now.
Do you mean he doesn’t want you to move in together or he wants to think about reconciliation?

You both have been through a LOT and it’s not as simple as just getting back together.

He wants me to leave OM for good with our son.
Can you understand that?

He said we could work on it, if I took the first step.
I am going to make that step.
Great! It’s not gonna be easy but you have to start somewhere.

I want to know if things can work long distance.
Once you get some communication going between you, then you could move closer. It can work as long as you both show you are committed to each other, even if it gets tough.

I am commited to this.
I love him and am so afraid that it is to late.
I am wanting to beg at this point.
But I can't
I will be happy with just being someone he can trust and rely on again.
He was my best friend through all of this and I just could not see through all the FOG

There is not gonna be an “easy” way to get through it. You’re both gonna have hard times (& good times too <img border="0" title="" alt="[Smile]" src="images/icons/smile.gif" /> ) so just keep on going forward with each other.

Go slow & don’t expect to feel better overnight.

Chris,
I part of me feels like he is not being honest.
He has taken on the role of protector when it comes to me and he sees that I am at my weakest.
I feel he may be afraid of what I will do if I knew it were over and he was done with all of this.
I don't know what to say.
Right now, I know that the truth is all I really need.
I need to know if he truly wants to try or he is just helping me through this until I am safe and on my feet.
I need to know that I will one day be okay without him if that is what he chooses.
GOd, will I ever be okay again

lucidity,
The questions and butterflies in your tummy are normal... but I think you can count on hubby being honest with you. Sounds like he is telling you the same things he has posted here. And he wouldn't be reading and posting here, if he wasn't committed to your marriage. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Smile]" src="images/icons/smile.gif" />

Give this some time and patience... like Chris said, you have both been through a lot... take some baby steps. Small steps to re-build trust... to re-build communication... you 2 still have some things to agree on... as far as where to go from here.

But, according to your "rogue" post, it seems like you have some OM issues that I hope you will take care of, for your safety, and your kids too.

We're glad to get to know you a little better. I hope you'll keep posting. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Smile]" src="images/icons/smile.gif" />

Faith1

<small>[ June 17, 2003, 09:53 PM: Message edited by: Faith1 ]</small>

L -
Wow. As a BH, your post really struck a chord with me. I read your other posts from 16 June, too. I am so sorry for your pain.

Topie advised you to write your H a love letter. I echo that. Your writing is almost poetic - it really touched me. Put on paper what you've put here and give it to your H.

Please just keep one thing in mind - your H is only human. As such, he does have weaknesses, and he does make mistakes. Maybe his stone heartedness to you is such a mistake.

Lucidity-

I'm sorry, I don't monitor the boards at night. I'm going to send you my cell number so you can reach me.

I think that hubby wants you safe and he and you need time to get to know each other prior to moving home. I'm so happy that you're taking a step. It's hard, but it's worth it.

I am here for you. You are doing the right thing. For you, your kids, and your husband too.

Lucidity (Rogue),

I posted some yesterday on your Rogue post. My advice still applies. But let me add something here.

Your husband (I know he is on here...and he should weigh in at any time and let me know if I am off base) is VERY wary of this situation right now. First, you have betrayed him. He CANNOT trust you! But that doesnt mean it will always be that way. Trust is earned. As the harleys have said, the basis for a marriage is not trust...it is commitment and meeting needs. The trust is a byproduct of that.

The second problem he has is the OM. This guy has controlled you all along, physically and emotionally. Your husband does not want to get caught up in that. In a way, if he were to get involved in the middle of it, he would be sucked into your mess, and if you left again, it would be 10 times worse for him. What he wants to see is that the OM is GONE FOR GOOD. Then he can relax and approach reconciliation.

Look, my wife approached possible reconciliation in January. She did not move home until April. Part of that reason was that I wanted to make sure that this wasnt a false recovery, that the OM was truly gone and she was truly ready to do what it took. We went to counseling together in February and March. We dated some, getting out and just hanging around each other to get comfortable again. Over that time, I was able to build some very rudimentary trust for her. And she began to be able to trust me some, and trust that maybe things had changed and she could overcome her mess.

This is entirely a trust issue. You betrayed his trust, and it sounds like you are ready to confront that. But, it must be earned. Until OM is gone, I doubt your husband is ready to invest any real emotional time or effort into you. He has to know that you are out of the fog and commited. Now, once you do that, then the OM does become his problem if he continues to threaten you, etc. Then your husband can help protect you and get you away from that mess. But you have to leave it first...for good.

As I said in your Rogue thread, you have to do whatever it takes to get away from this clown...and do it TODAY! Then, after getting safe, you can breathe. Then you will be able to sit down, talk with a counselor, and really talk with your husband. And then take baby steps toward building trust.

I believe your husband, by his posts here, does love you and does wish that there was a way to repair your relationship. but this is going to have to start with you. Until it is just you and him, count on him not wanting to commit any part of him to you.

get the protective order and get out of there...even if you have to move 500 miles away to your friends house. Sure, it makes it tougher to see the kids and hubby, but it is only temporary. And actually, talking by phone might be good. Right now, you and him dont need to do much more than just talk through all of this. And find a starting point where you can begin to meet each other's needs again.

Well, there's my two cents.

In His arms.