WS is in a couple of weeks of NC with OW, being with him through this stage is not easy at all, I am not expecting anything from him now, he has nothing to offer, my heart breaks since the DDay, I care and love him deeply, my love for him is patient and not selfish and he WAS ver much in with me and he WAS so very romantic and virtous most of all hence I trused him 200%; and now he is giving all of his love to OW of whom he still believe is the one though in NC. I feel like I should just Plan B him for good, I am feeling very weak and tired, he is not recognizing my being kind and understanding by Plan A-ing. He had bought SAA and stopped reading it now and continues dwelling on OW, I wonder if they are seeing each other this morning, he left this morning earlier than usual. He had burned CD and sent to her twice with no notes,he said, he also private number calling OW to hear her voice, he confessed once but now I had to check with him almost daily or I just pretend,WS is thinking and wondering if OW had found his replacement he even asked me to call her for him?! This is not the way to live. I have a full life outside of my M, I love H but I feel so much painin him that I should let him go with love? Will be meeting with MC, but I am quite sure it is not what he wants now. He is very protective of OW, so foggy that he can not see the reality. He has given up a lot over OW, OW has nothing to lose, I strongly believe that OW has been seeing other men on the side,WS is just one of them that meet some of her needs in bed with his look while the others could give her stability in other areas when WS has been vacilating making up his mind. WS is OW's toy to me, we had spoken I knew what kind of person OW is,OW called me darling, pumpkin,sweetheart and love, so how could Ow not sweetened WS with OW's magical words that I found out that "words of affirmation and physical touch" are WS's love languages. I'd ignored WS's needs hence the affair with justification, I was comfortable and I'd my share in the M and his A is my wake up call,I know I can be better than a lying cheating adulteress who always act as if she's the best with "morality" which is a foreign language to her,OW slept on my bed b4 DDay,even WS said OW felt guilty,if she were to be guilty,she would never continued the A so conveniently with my WS..I am very tired,if OW is all WS wants, I should just leave,I have not moved back with WS for I know this NC does not last too long. This is just one the many times for the last 19 months.
I do not want to have a nervous break down for I have too many people that care and love me very much and I have God most of all. Please advise.

wangi,

Slow down and breathe. Welcome to the forum. Of course you are overwhelmed....but you are moving along too fast. Here is a Flipino proverb:

When you have a long way to go, go slowly

I think it would be a good idea to go to a counselor and get some medication to help keep you from a nervous breakdown and find your focus again. We'll be here to help.

I'd like you to describe your Plan A....because I honestly think you are not ready for B. Perfect the Plan A FIRST.....then move to B IF NECESSARY.

Hi Wangi and welcome to MB,

I am sorry you have to come here under these circumstances. Please read the concepts section above and the book his needs/her needs.

Work with your MC. See a doctor about anxiety attacks and depression. Don't fight all the attacks (meaning if you need to rest, rest...if you need to cry, cry).... they will lessen over time.

Keep a journal of what is going on. If the OW is as bad as you say or even worse, then the A is already headed downwards. It is an addiction that is holding your H now the OW. She can't even keep her skirt on long enough for 1 guy, right? Well that will get old in time.

In our case, the OW sent pictures of her body parts in e-mails to the WS, I saw the worst one..... turned it into her e-mail service provider and they shut her e-mail down. A satisfaction of sorts. LOL!!! There is more to these stories, I am sure you have already read a few from here.

Work on creating your own personal support group. If you can read Claire's post, it might help.

take care and keep venting here.

L.

Thanks Star*fish and Orchid, I truly apprecite your replies, that makes me feel better because I am not the only one, but I really do not have strength for WS,I know he knows that OW can't be the one or the Dv would have gone through, he hesitated too many times even after I had signed and accepted that it is over between us, I never really given up on the M, I believe that if he were to give a 100% effort, it can be worked out, even better than ever, he said I was dreaming, the way he looked at it is like our M is totally broken and loveless, his sex life with OW is great and ours was so bad, he has been sobriety for over a decade hence the addiction to OW is just part of his addictive behavior. I feel like as if he will never come home though he had shown many times that coming home had been what he wanted, the temptation is strong with OW,why not,only good times,why would he wonder if OW had found a replacement(OW had done this to him before) WS said if OW has found OM,WS would just let go and know what kind of woman she is, that is juvenille, isn't it? It is a reason he gave to himself, in denial, he knows OW can't stay faithful enough or grief like him or WS would not even wonder if and when OW has someone new already, that is sad, isn't it? It is the addiction, I know. But I am unsure if my life should continue to live in fear worrying about WS sway again? WS seems like a live dead-body, feelingless, loveless, thoughtless and selfishly indulged into a heartless A has brought not just me but everyone else that care about us so much pains to our lives...so painful and so discouraging. My plan A is to avoid all the love busters and be kind, and understanding, not even angry when he confessed his sort-of- calling her on a private# and not saying a word to her, WS expected me to just blow like fire,but I was calm and listened to him..we'd sent the NC letter to OW together when they broke up. Most of the time I felt like he regret over it and called off the divorce was another regret, he said he had to give a fair chance, so far he has shown giving up more than trying...he is obssessed. I do not like to see him in pain, if being with me is so painful
why wouldn't I be a bigger person to let him go completely, for I know this time, if I leave him, I will do it for GOOD, and never take him back even if one day OW kicks him out. Not that I am cruel just that I feel as if enough is enough. I am not God but I have God, perhaps this is not what God wants to see me continue to suffer over a helpless lost soul. We went to church and he was not there, he was restless, refused to pray either, I begged him to go, hoping that he would find peace within in Church...he has not been sleeping since the day he began his A, the so-called exciting relationship he kept saying, so-called woman he is deeply in love with....why was he ever home anyway? How to help? I feel like loving someone is to set the person free and I can do it. I do not want a M without my H. This is what it has been for 19 months..and more...

Thanks Star*fish and Orchid, I truly apprecite your replies, that makes me feel better because I am not the only one, but I really do not have strength for WS,I know he knows that OW can't be the one or the Dv would have gone through, he hesitated too many times even after I had signed and accepted that it is over between us, I never really given up on the M, I believe that if he were to give a 100% effort, it can be worked out, even better than ever, he said I was dreaming, the way he looked at it is like our M is totally broken and loveless, his sex life with OW is great and ours was so bad, he has been sobriety for over a decade hence the addiction to OW is just part of his addictive behavior. I feel like as if he will never come home though he had shown many times that coming home had been what he wanted, the temptation is strong with OW,why not,only good times,why would he wonder if OW had found a replacement(OW had done this to him before) WS said if OW has found OM,WS would just let go and know what kind of woman she is, that is juvenille, isn't it? It is a reason he gave to himself, in denial, he knows OW can't stay faithful enough or grief like him or WS would not even wonder if and when OW has someone new already, that is sad, isn't it? It is the addiction, I know. But I am unsure if my life should continue to live in fear worrying about WS sway again? WS seems like a live dead-body, feelingless, loveless, thoughtless and selfishly indulged into a heartless A has brought not just me but everyone else that care about us so much pains to our lives...so painful and so discouraging. My plan A is to avoid all the love busters and be kind, and understanding, not even angry when he confessed his sort-of- calling her on a private# and not saying a word to her, WS expected me to just blow like fire,but I was calm and listened to him..we'd sent the NC letter to OW together when they broke up. Most of the time I felt like he regret over it and called off the divorce was another regret, he said he had to give a fair chance, so far he has shown giving up more than trying...he is obssessed. I do not like to see him in pain, if being with me is so painful
why wouldn't I be a bigger person to let him go completely, for I know this time, if I leave him, I will do it for GOOD, and never take him back even if one day OW kicks him out. Not that I am cruel just that I feel as if enough is enough. I am not God but I have God, perhaps this is not what God wants to see me continue to suffer over a helpless lost soul. We went to church and he was not there, he was restless, refused to pray either, I begged him to go, hoping that he would find peace within in Church...he has not been sleeping since the day he began his A, the so-called exciting relationship he kept saying, so-called woman he is deeply in love with....why was he ever home anyway? How to help? I feel like loving someone is to set the person free and I can do it. I do not want a M without my H. This is what it has been for 19 months..and more...

Ow ain't that great.... so much for replacing you with better. He can't do this and knows it.

So you may need to learn how to babble back....when he throws his words that hurt, tell him stuff like: well where is the 'love of your life'?

I used to give back the WS' and Ows words to both of them.....

1. called Ow by her name Mrs. _ _ _ _ _ No first names.

2. Used their own words when he hurt me.....

ws: 'I can't give you $. U want me to rob a bank?'
bs: 'Whatever you need to do. I thought you and your OW said she was rich? Well if she can steal my family's jewels, then she should pay for them. Get us what you owe and then what we are worth.' He had said we were priceless so I was aiming to collect - LOL!! '....you would stoop to robbing a bank??? what kind of stuff is that OW teaching you, I thought she said she was going to make you into a better person?!??!?' <img border="0" title="" alt="[Roll Eyes]" src="images/icons/rolleyes.gif" />

L.

<small>[ June 18, 2003, 01:19 PM: Message edited by: Orchid ]</small>

Thanks Orchid. I guess you know how powerful can OW be to WS, I can do better on my own than WS can, many times I feel as if he uses me for his financial security whereas OW only said she would support him financially but just words, WS lived by her words throughout the whole A and still wishing and believing since she did some SPECIAL things to prove to him just right before WS called off the Dv, before he made his mind up for NC, he is not going to live through his words with me, I had been there done that too many times with him already, I bet you anything they see each other today, and I always have a great hunch when things like that happen, this time, I will be gone for good, I am serious. WS had cried to ask for my emotional supports etc when OW was not fulfilling his needs, not that he does not work just that he is pursuing his goal academically full time now, he WAS what I wanted, he IS not now, probably never. I had given all that I could, I have nothing left now..but to set him free to a wicked OW. He will have to learn it a very hard way before he would wake up. Thanks again Orchid.

Wangi,

I hear a lot of anger in your words and I understand. Now the question to you is, do you want to recovery your M or not? Right now your H is in the gray area of recovery. He is in withdrawal and almost hung himself on OWs promises. Mine did also.

Here's an example, after telling me in an e-mail from OW that she would give the WS a better life, make him richer, happier and healthier than he has ever been....he took her to his favorite place - Yosemite. Now a major trigger place for me. While there he cried in the store where he remembered our family had gone. They stayed in a hotel which he paid (remember she claimed to have all this $$ and he used our family funds to pay for this trip), then she had him try on a shirt which she said was for him.

Well Mz OW Generous (aka: PBR) bought the shirt (I heard it was about $60.00)home, then her X was over their house during her D proceedings and she gave her XH the shirt. Why? Because she said he said he wanted it.... soooo much for loyalty to her lover (WS). That was only the beginning. By the time the WS was begging to come home and when he did I got angry. Why? Because at least I expected the OW to keep her word and send back a richly dressed (with change in his pocket), healthy and happy man vs what I got ....a sick, very broke, homeless and sad man filled with anger.

Arrrrrgh.... <img border="0" title="" alt="[Mad]" src="images/icons/mad.gif" /> I lashed out at the WS for the OW NOT keeping her word LOL!!! <img border="0" title="" alt="[Big Grin]" src="images/icons/grin.gif" /> I knew what I was doing, making him see she was NOT the great love of his life..... maybe I wasn't either but she was NOT better than me. He admitted she never was nor will be but for a while he couldn't see it.

Share that story with your H.

L.

Orchid, did you really see anger in me? I thought I sounded given up and tired of it, really I did not feel anger, so much had given out and I feel no energy left. Yes, I want to have OUR M back, I am tired because I had been through it too many times and WS always returned to OW's arms, OW had said to me many times to go working on the M and OW "was" leaving WS etc, but OW went ahead and slept with WS instead, OW said that too many times, there were times I thought OW was maybe an ok person but the time has proved that she is wicked and toying with not only WS's body,also mind and feelings as well. If anyone I am angry with is her, OW never kept her words, OW tried to act as if she's a good woman, she has proved that she is not. OW had not treated WS the way he wanted except in bed, she is experienced you-know-what,OW said to me that many men want her, my WS is not good enough for WS is not a doctor like her other men are..richer,smarter, definitely not as young and good looking, OW said to me many times how good looking WS is, and WS had also absorbed in her words about his look as OW worships him and why not I did the same, I do know WS is good looking but I just can't say/express that on a daily basis when OW only sees WS when OW is accessible, OW is in charge in the A,WS just followed, at times, he felt fulfilled and sometimes he felt being used. My H needs to be able to sleep at night and focus on what he is pursuing, I care very deeply about his mental health, a very good man(at least he used to be, very virtuos and honest and very good at financial planning) now he is just who he was anymore. I have so many that love me that none wants to see me back to a cheater and continue to be hurt except my in-law. I just felt like to end everybody's pain all at once. I can really go on my own and never look back...the only thing I could not let go of is WS being bullied and cheated and probably losing his dream career and all he has including all that love him....everyone feels like he is being selfish and thoughtless....very soon, he will end up being NOTHING, that fears me, but I should not even worry anymore, right?!