Lor:

I am angry at myself today. I did some self sabatoging last night by lbing... maybe it wasn't all that bad....

But had major trigger with wh, we were all out to dinner, the kids, and the 2 of us. Anyway, ws gets call on cellphone from one of the A friends... a guy, but a guy who I feel contributed to this craziness.

Anyway, he wants to keep his 'friends', and not be told what to do by me, dictated to... by me. I feel if he wants these types of friends, how can he be true to me?

I saw on your other post to Lucidity about how you need to get and stay in the Reconcilable mode together. I feel I stepped out of it some last night. He was being very kind, and I lbed on many things when he wouldn't say any of the right things about his friend... I went into job issues, how he cheated, how I have been treated, blah blah.

How can it stop? I had a week of being in a true forgiving mode, and hardly even talking of how he hurt me.

It seems ws just want to say sorry and move on.

Our christian counselors do not seem to be addressing the severity of the A and how serious it seems to me???? I don't know what to do.

I feel I need more A specific recovery , than just praying and treating each other right??? My counselors reccomend that I do something like a plan A, and just forgive. Well, without some more changes, how do I know he will be good to me?

I am also having some of that feeling- that maybe I should not take him back///? b/c of the pain and possibility of more mistreatment?

On the other hand, it feels natural and desirable to step back into a relationship that was once very wonderful.

All opinions welcome.

Thanks- Honey

Thanks

Honey,

Sorry, I am not Lor but here's my 2 cents.

Last time I checked no perfect BS walked this planet and probably never will. Why? Because there are not perfect WS'!!! LOL!! <img border="0" title="" alt="[Razz]" src="images/icons/tongue.gif" />

So an LB here or there is bound to happen. Now you recognized it and learned from it right? Will it happen on this point again? Well????

So don't beat yourself up too much and if he attacks your character again.... say, well I am trying but it is sure hard sometimes. Think you can help make it easier???? Something like that.

JMHO,
L.

Orchid, your advice is consistantly thoughtful. I personally thank you for all you do here on MB.

Honey,
Sometimes you do remind me of me. Getting consistant control of the LBs took me a long time.
Sometimes I just remind myself I don't want to be a negative person anymore. I like finding a positive side. Now it's pretty automatic, but it took work to make it so.

Our christian counselors do not seem to be addressing the severity of the A and how serious it seems to me????

How would you like them to address it? Is there something specific you'd like them to say or cover? You can ask for it. Otherwise...the A is the past. He can't change one ugly thing he did, but if he is remorseful...how much remorse is enough remorse for you? One time my H said, "I was a total, horrible [jerk], what more do you need to know?" At that point I realized, that was pretty much it, that he knew what he had been.

I feel I need more A specific recovery , than just praying and treating each other right???

Can you identify what you need? Maybe write it out as a plan, with steps & goals? If you don't know what you need, and it isn't happening, nobody else is likely to guess it either. But if you can define, or even research, what you need beyond praying & treating each other right, then you can ask for it, or, at least, ask if it seems reasonable.

My counselors reccomend that I do something like a plan A, and just forgive. Well, without some more changes, how do I know he will be good to me?

You can forgive him for what he has done up to now and not base your forgiveness on uncertain future behavior. But...forgiving does not mean you have to continue to subject yourself to his or someone else's bad behavior. It is ok to forgive and say, "I can't be around you while you are like this/doing this." It isn't punishing, it is a consequence. Forgivness doesn't necessarily do away with consequences.

I am also having some of that feeling- that maybe I should not take him back///? b/c of the pain and possibility of more mistreatment?

This is a legitimate concern. However, balance it with the fact that we don't know what our future holds. Somebody else could hurt you, too. If you hold back because of what might happen, you may lose this chance. But, it is a choice you can make. Even a choice that you may want to. We all have to decide at what point we hope and work towards that hope with effort, and at what point we call it quits.

On the other hand, it feels natural and desirable to step back into a relationship that was once very wonderful.

There are good reasons to build on your more distant past. However, you have to look realistically at more recent past & current events, too.

I've posted that 2-3 bad years out of our 20 years of marriage aren't that much of the whole. That's one way to look at it. But my H stopped his bad behavior, it isn't ongoing. I don't think we would have had this reconciliation, much less recovery without his efforts joining mine. At some point a marriage takes 2 that are willing to give everything they've got. The effort doesn't have to look the same, or be the same, but effort has to be there for both.

To me, this post of yours says something doesn't feel right to you about what is going on between you & your H. It could be the past, it could be today. It could be fear, it could be realistic. And all of the above. Don't be afraid to examine what is bothering you.

Letting go of the past is a stage of healing, but first I think it is important to understand/comprehend/acknowledge what you are forgiving and letting go.

And, I don't know how your counselor is guiding you on forgivness, but what mine had me do (more than once) is find time to get alone. Write down everything that hurt or angered me. Get good and angry or sad about each thing on the list...then forgive it and destroy the list. Then, when anything that had already been forgiven came back to trigger/haunt me, I was to dismiss it because it was in God's hands. If something new happened, I could confront my H, but then I was to follow the same process. I found it to be very helpful.

Thank you Orchid.

I have talked to WS today and he is forgiving of my lb's... even apologized a bit for his. Miracles never cease to happen!

Anyway- I just feel at the end of my rope --- in the financial sense, I am basically supporting myself and my kids alone. WS's life has gone to double hockey sticks in his A fog.... etc., etc.

He is only coming out of the fog in phases. He still has a need to blame me for his A.... I treated him badly- for so long, so this is the result... blah blah blah..... I did this, so he did that... blah blah blah.

When I forgive and let go.... he seems to follow my lead. I guess that is an aha.

I worry I will have lingering thoughts for years on what he has done. How do you ever let go of it?

Thanks so much. Honey

Lor:

I will take your advise to heart. I am leaving work right now, and will revisit your great ideas tonight.

I really appreciate you and all the other great mbers taking the time to help me get through this.

Thanks Again <img border="0" title="" alt="[Smile]" src="images/icons/smile.gif" /> With appreciation, Honey

Lor,

I am printing out your ideas... also Orchid thank you so much for reminding me there is no perfect BS.

WS is starting to act more like an H, more and more. It is truly amazing. There is hope, true hope for even the worst case scenario's. I am sure that I have a great chance at recovery at this point.

He actually told me this AM how stupid he has been, and how he was so wrong to do what he did?! <img border="0" title="" alt="[Smile]" src="images/icons/smile.gif" /> Am I happy! YES.

I realize there are more issues to work out. And yes, ws still drinks... but this issues is mysteriously calming down now that he is facing himself. For the first time in years my h is willing to work on himself.

I am very happy we have a chance. Thanks for helping me get to a point of possible beginnings in reconciliation.

Thanks so much! <img border="0" title="" alt="[Smile]" src="images/icons/smile.gif" /> I am truly feeling blessed today. WS called me this am with excitement after he wrote out his version of a reconcilation agreement... Our counselors presented this idea, and we were each to make it our own... then we will POJA it and find a real plan! <img border="0" title="" alt="[Smile]" src="images/icons/smile.gif" /> Yes, even the worst scenario can turn around. Some of you around here know that I was insane with him being an active ws, it truly drove me beyond mad. ;( Glad that is over! I know the roller coaster is going to continue, I am thankful today is a HIGH.... It has been a while since I have felt so good.

Amazing what having love and commitment can do for one?!

Thanks Again,

Honey