Ok, here's my situation. I've posted here and in the Divorce/Divorcing forum. I'll try to make it as short as possible. Here we go again:

H and I been married 4 years (together 11 yrs. total). We have a 4 yr. old son and 4 mo. daughter. My H left me when I was 6 mo. pregnant. He was/ still is having an affair. He left 7 months ago.

I did all the wrong things, clinged, begged, cried and pleaded. Hormones I guess. Didn't work of course.

Sometime in April H says he wants to work things out. Well it was a false recovery and was upset and things got bad. He didn't want to let her go.

In May I decided to start a Plan A, and was doing good. My WH started complementing me on my apperance and started coming around by my office for pop in visits. Things were good. Until major problem. I found out he was exposing our 4 yr old son to the OW.

Had previously wrote him a short letter stating that he respect my wishes & not including her in his plans when he had our son. WH agreed that he wouldn't unless we divorced. I was extremely upset.

Major LBing, confronted WH and OW when THEY decided to bring him home one day. Big arguement.

Then another LB moment called and wanted ANSWERS. WH didn't want to talk. So I told him I was going to go talk to him (now living with OW)at her house. On my way over saw him on the road and started to follow him. I just wanted to talk to him. He was pissed and called a cop friend of his and had me stopped. Officer advised me not to harass (don't think I spelled that right) him. Nothing was reported, no report filed.

Since then, he filed for D on that same day. I filed also, now regreting it.

So now don't know what to do? Can I still save this marriage that is in the process of divorce? Is it possible to start plan A or B or any plan?
What do I do, someone help please. I think I screwed this up!!! <img border="0" title="" alt="[Frown]" src="images/icons/frown.gif" />

{{{{{{{BUMP}}}}}}} <img border="0" title="" alt="[Big Grin]" src="images/icons/grin.gif" />

WS filed Divorce and served me the paper last July then I moved out to friend's for a month, I couldn't sign it, I found out the A just a month before he filed, at that time,he already had the A for about 8 months, I was still going through the difficulty to "believe" that of all the husbands in the world, WS was the last I would ever expected to have an infidelity, he was honest & totally virtuos,therefore it took me a long time before I believe that he was really having an A dicreetly for so many months,WS was home all the time, some hung-up phone calls when I answered but never suspected for I had always trusted him 200%...he was very honest grew up in a Catholic family...but that H is now gone..I moved home for his very first NC lasted for 6 days, we reconciled in between for many times, mostly only lasted few days, yet the Dv was never filed in court somehow...WS knew OW can not be trusted, not completely...the longest NC was 3 weeks,but never once truthfully, after the 3 weeks NC,he freaked out and cried, and I lashed out on him and tol dhim to go, he forced me to sign the paper in order to show to OW so that OW would take him back, I signed reluctantly, then I went abroad for 3 weeks with the idea to "accept and move on", so I went home for some TLC from family,during my absence,WS had gone through some difficulties in his so-called love affair, when I left OW made demands & WS began to wonder, therefore he held the petition till I returned,I gave him a 3rd degree when I found out, I was sort of happy but mostly angry because I accepted the fact that it is over with WS, ready to move on..a week upon my arrival to home, I moved out,there were times he emailed me or called me, mostly in his paradise with OW, finally WS came to me again,when OW was away with kids for a week,WS complained(he now justified that because OW said she was moving downsouth,therefore WS came to me)to me because of how dissatisfying his relationship with OW was,OW only came to see him at her convenient,WS never really knew where she was or who she was with, a typical flirty sales rep.with mouthful of sales tactics.I was living in my own pad for 3 1/2 months then...WS broke of with OW 2-3 times between Mother's Day and most recent NC for a couple of weeks now. Since there was no response from the petitioner, court had the divorce on default, meaning that would go into a judgement,WS was still battling to be with OW or me,on the other hand OW knew that if she worked harder to keep him on hook,OW can have WS even just for pleasure, WS felt that OW just want him to live alone so OW can see and sleep w/ him whenever she wants,WS felt like a prostitute, but OW was cunning enough to give WS ALL she had left to prove something(trust she never had on him for over 18 months, but all the trust issue become so
OPEN because OW knew WS would leave her and then OW would be defeated by W?! I think that is a 3rd party's pride issue when lost. Then WS filed a Request For Dismissal to dismiss the case and now the divorce has stopped, if we were to agree to have a divorce it will be a NEW FILING..for your case, I am unsure since both you and WH had filed, perhaps you can go to local court house to the Family Law self-help division to get more info.And it usually takes time, after filing, there will be at least 6 months, and since you have the custodian issue and child support to deal with, it takes longer, it might be up to 2 years or so, it varies from state to state, check on that, don't freak out, OK. Most of are weak when really dealing and facing divorce issues esp. children are involved, it is very stressful and heartbroken, there is no child in our case. I planned B my WS seemed to work better but he is in a serious withdrawl period that I am coming to an end to stop his suffering and pain being with me, for now, I am thinking for plan B for good, I am very tired and my biological clock is ticking hard..I do not see hope in the M not to mention to have baby...when he withdraw I withdraw as well...there are times I am very weak but I must move on, you know. I want to live a healthy life, not a cheating and lying life with a almost-giving-up-cheating WS...I feel so much pain, but I am not afraid anymore. It is his loss to let me go. Take care and pray hard.

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">"So now don't know what to do? Can I still save this marriage that is in the process of divorce? Is it possible to start plan A or B or any plan?
What do I do, someone help please. I think I screwed this up!!!"</font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">He may divorce you on paper BUT the emotional ties that bind you are a little bit harder to break, not to mention you have 2 small children that are forever going to tie the two of you. And anything can happen before the divorce becomes final.

You may want to consider implementing some of Michelle Weiner Davis's suggestions for the BS on her 180 degree list (they complement Plan A quite nicely). Here's the list:

1. Do not pursue, reason, chase, beg, plead or
implore!.
2. No frequent phone calls.
3. Do not point out good points in marriage.
4. Do not follow him around the house.
5. Do not encourage talk about the future.
6. Do not ask for help from family members.
7. Do not ask for reassurances.
8. Do not buy gifts.
9. Do not schedule dates together.
10. Do not spy on spouse.
11. Do not say "I Love You".
12. Act as if you are moving on with your life.
13. Be cheerful, strong, outgoing and attractive.
14. Don't sit around waiting on your spouse - get
busy, do things, go to church, go out with friends, etc.
15. When home with your spouse, (if you usually start the conversation) be scarce or short on words.
16. If you are in the habit of asking your spouse his whereabouts, ASK NOTHING.
17. You need to make your partner think that you have had an awakening and, as far as you are concerned, you are going to move on with your life, with or without your spouse.
18. Do not be nasty, angry or even cold - just pull back and wait to see if spouse notices and, more important, realize what he will be missing.
19. No matter what you are feeling TODAY, only show your spouse happiness and contentment. Show him someone he would want to be around.
20. All questions about marriage should be put on
hold, until your spouse wants to talk about it (which may be a while).
21. Never lose your cool.
22. Don't be overly enthusiiastic.
23. Do not argue about how he feels (it only makes their feelings stronger).
24. Be patient.
25. Listen carefully to what your spouse is really saying to you.
26. Learn to back off, shut up and walk away when you want to speak out.
27. Take care of yourself (exercise, sleep, laugh & focus on all the other parts of your life that are not in turmoil).
28. Be strong and confident and learn to speak softly
29. Know that if you can do 180, your smallest
CONSISTENT actions will be noticed much more than anywords you can say or write.
30. Do not be openly desperate or needy even when you are hurting more than ever and are desperate and needy.
31. Do not focus on yourself when communicating with your spouse.
32. Do not believe any of what you hear and less than 50% of what you see. Your spouse will speak in absolute negatives because he is hurting and scared.
33. Do not give up no matter how dark it is or how bad you feel.
34. Do not backslide from your hardearned changes.

I guess I should be in a Plan B according to MB.
But do I send him a letter or not?

I've been really good about not calling, looking for him and when he calls only talk about the kids.

I'm trying really hard to be CIVIL with him when deep down inside i'm really ANGRY!

I was doing really good but then sometimes I screw up by calling him crying or something stupid like that.

I don't want to do that anymore. I want to be strong.

These couple of days have been really hard. I find myself thinking about him and missing him.

I think that I should just stop talking to him altogether. It's just hard b/c he calls me at work and sometimes I have to talk to him.

What should I do?

Have you consider going to a doctor and having him/her prescribe you anti-depressants?

Dr Harley recommends that the BS to help him/her get control of his/her emotions and not sabotage any of his/her hard earned Plan A efforts.

Well since I just had a baby 4 months ago, I am breastfeeding her.

I did take meds when I was pregnant for depression but weren't really effective.

So, don't really want to take them since it will affect her as well.

Plus I think I would need a strong dose. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Smile]" src="images/icons/smile.gif" />
But will consider maybe taking them if the doctor says it's ok.

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<small>[ June 19, 2003, 11:25 AM: Message edited by: T00MuchCoffeeMan ]</small>

If you going to plan B send the letter, don't do the mistake I did in not sending it and that made H confused on why I didn't wanted to talk to him

Take care and good luck!

Ok so I should send a letter? But what is it suppose to say? I mean he knows that it's over. We are in the process of getting a divorce.

Like I said before I regret filing but he file also. I was served and so was he. So it's gonna happen, the divorce is going to go through unless he stops it, which I don't think he will.

How do I write him a letter saying that I can't talk to him anymore? We don't talk anymore since everything that happened a couple of weeks ago, just about the kids (when he wants to see them).

I'm just confused. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Roll Eyes]" src="images/icons/rolleyes.gif" /> What is it suppose to say?

Has anybody ever gone this far and turned it around? Or, has anyone ever gone through with the divorce and end up back with their WS?

I'm freaking out! <img border="0" title="" alt="[Frown]" src="images/icons/frown.gif" /> I feel like it's over. No matter what I do, it's over.

It's a scary feeling!

Someone? Hello? <img border="0" title="" alt="[Confused]" src="images/icons/confused.gif" />

STBX I see you are waiting for replies still. Wish I could help but I want to see the answers from other because I have the same question.... <img border="0" title="" alt="[Confused]" src="images/icons/confused.gif" />

Ok here goes the questions again:
Ok so I should send a letter? But what is it suppose to say? I mean he knows that it's over. We are in the process of getting a divorce.

Like I said before I regret filing but he file also. I was served and so was he. So it's gonna happen, the divorce is going to go through unless he stops it, which I don't think he will.

How do I write him a letter saying that I can't talk to him anymore? We don't talk anymore since everything that happened a couple of weeks ago, just about the kids (when he wants to see them).

I'm just confused. What is it suppose to say?
Has anybody ever gone this far and turned it around? Or, has anyone ever gone through with the divorce and end up back with their WS?

I'm freaking out! I feel like it's over. No matter what I do, it's over.

It's a scary feeling!

Read "Surviving An Affair."

Also, I highly recommend you call Marriage Builders and get an appointment with Steve Harely or Jennifer Harley.

<small>[ June 20, 2003, 03:26 PM: Message edited by: Chris -CA123 ]</small>