Go over there...open up to him...tell him what you want...where you are at and where you want to be. Offer love and strength.

Prayers for you both

ayslyne

One thing that you might want to consider about family is that they can often make a hard thing harder. Heck, they can even make an easy thing hard! He may be wanting to make his way back to you but not want to deal with his family putting their 2cents in just yet. There is no point in making something more difficult than it has to be. I think you may be asking too much too soon. I don't understand what the big hurry is. What harm is there in giving yourselves a week or two to spend some non threatening time together,then address the issues if it even gets that far. I hope you are ready to be as open to his requests, as you are wanting him to be with yours. All the best to you!

<small>[ June 23, 2003, 07:13 PM: Message edited by: mthrrhbard ]</small>

I went and saw him. He was upset that I didn't call before I came over and requested that I do so in the future. I didn't put pressure on him to decide. I emphasized how much I love him and how sorry I am for everything, especially the lawyer letter from last week and not being honest about it when I had the chance. I emphasized that I did that b/c I wanted out of limbo, that I wanted to know where my life was going (and put all my effort into loving him and being his wife, or figuring out how to live without him).

I know if I had put pressure on him, he would just say then let's get divorced. He wants and needs some time. I didn't put pressure on him and ask how much time. I just asked if he was planning on going away and he said no. I told him I wasn't either. Thankfully, he didn't tell anyone in his family about the lawyer letter, so that means the door is still open to the outside chance of recovery. Frankly, I don't expect to hear from him again this week. He needs some time to cool off, so to speak.

Four big things stand out in my mind after our talk tonight:

1. My decision to serve him with that letter from my lawyer which asks for more money than we originally agreed upon and threatens him b/c he sells used cars,etc., and the fact that I knew about it and didn't tell him about it beforehand, and slept next to him in the same bed one night while knowing about it HAS HURT HIM all over again, just about as much as me lying about sleeping with his best friend (not telling him about it), and has him almost equally as angry.

2. He said he doesn't think he'll ever be happy ever again, with me or with anyone else. At the most it will be him choosing to put up with a roommate. He was looking me directly in the eyes when he said this, he wasn't just saying it for the sake of getting a rise out of me or to hurt me, he meant it. He has said that before too, a few times.

3. He said he realizes that I will never be friends ever again with bimbo #1 or bimbo #2. (I was amazed that he has accepted that fact. That is a relief that he realizes this.)

4. When I told him how I still want kids someday very much, he said he can't even imagine having a baby, and doesn't even know if he wants to have kids. He said he can't even imagine that right now.

So for now, I am giving him some time and space, no pressure. I don't know how long.

I am just overwhelmed again with immense sadness for all that I destroyed and all that I have lost as a result of chooing to be unfaithful to my H, and to hit him like a ton of bricks again last week with that letter from my lawyer.

It was so hard today at work at lunch.... a good friend of mine is 8 weeks pregnant and announced it to everyone. I think I've mentioned before how 5 different women that I work with have either had babies or are currently pregnant, now make that 6. I again got the old, "maybe you'll be next!" remarks today. Sadly, no I won't. If I hadn't been so foolish as to cheat on my H and destroy our marriage, sure, I probably would've already been pregnant (we were trying for nearly 8 months up until about a month before my A). I spend Sat. night with a good friend who has two very little ones (10 mos and 2 years), and just found myself longing to have my own kids. I know I may still be fortunate enough to have kids one day down the road, but that's been one of the biggest sadnesses for me in the past year, is having to accept that babies just aren't in my near future.

Enough of the pity party, I guess my plan of action is to try to have some real patience, it's the only real shot I have at getting my M back. Playing hard to get or making demands doesn't work with my H, I've learned that finally.

While my H takes some time to cool off, I need to take some time to think about #2 and #4 above, and whether I can live with them or not.

Jen

Jen,

Read Seahorse's thread She is in a similar situation (M w/no children dealing with an illogical WS). She has the strength to move on.

IMHO, each time you give him another chance by asking him if or what does not help him see the severity of it. It sounds like a parent that keeps saying...'the next time you do this'.....the child does it and the parent still says 'then next time you do this I will.....' In reality, there is not next time. It is just teh same ol repeat of a threat. Eventually the child turns a deaf ear and years later blames their parents for not putting their foot down.

Jen you have the opportunity now to heal and put your foot down. Have you ever wondered if your H might wake up more if he weren't there?

JMHO,
L.

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">I went and saw him. He was upset that I didn't call before I came over and requested that I do so in the future.</font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">I smell something really rotten in this statement. Could it be that the poor, misunderstood BH is a cheater himself? It certainly would explain why he got upset with your unannounced visit.

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">If I hadn't been so foolish as to cheat on my H and destroy our marriage</font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Coulda, woulda, shoulda and a great vent BUT alas sadly unproductive.

Forgive me for my cynicism Jen but I wonder if anything will really change by giving him more 'space and time'. Maybe he will but I have serious doubts about it, more likely it will be you that will change.

For what it's worth, I really do wish I can eat my words in the near future for it will mean that your dreams of marital recovery have become a reality.

<small>[ June 24, 2003, 01:05 AM: Message edited by: T00MuchCoffeeMan ]</small>

Orchid, TMCM, I understand your cynicism that this is more of the same and so why would things change. But for now, I just need to sit on things a bit. The thought of life without my H just isn't something I can fathom right now. A couple weeks of patience is something I can muster. If he doesn't reach out at all in that time (especially considering neither of us has to work after Friday), that tells me something too, and I'll cross that bridge when I come to it.

I guess it's like feeling as though I've done all I can do. Giving him a little more time is part of that, so I can live with myself.

I'll check out seahorse's thread.

Jen

Hi Jen, I know that this is hard to hear, but if you contact him again before he contacts you, you WILL push him further away. He has a lot to think about at this time allow him the time to do it. it may take a week or it may take him 6 months. Please let him to be the one to contact you. In the mean time get to know God better. Become the person that God wants you to be and as you change your husband will notice. I have no clue how with no contact but God will show him the change in you. Will be praying Smiaj

6 months? Yikes. Thanks for your encouragement though Smiaj.

One thing that scares me is yesterday he indicated that one particular friend of the family had told him not to make any major decisions in his life until at least one year after a traumatic event (the death of his father). I didn't want to hear the answer to the question that popped into my head, "So you're going to wait until Jan. 2004 to decide about us??" I am not willing to wait that long and go on as things are, and that would've meant diving headlong into a divorce right now. Hopefully he'll come around in the next couple of weeks. I don't have 6 months of patience, I just don't. My bigggest fear is if I wait for 6 months, he will leave me, and I'll have wasted another 6 months of my life like a fool.

Jen

Hi Jen, I know that 6 months sounds like a very long time. The past year in my life I have given up on my wife many times. I have also givin up on God thinking that if God was real then he would make my wife come home now. Well every time I gave up, I had friends and people that I didn't know praying for me without me knowing it. I turn around and there is God. Thru it all I'm learning that God is in control. I have been developing a stronger love for him. Remember that it says in the Bible that the 2 shall come together as 1 flesh. What this also means is that if one draws closer to God: being 1 flesh the other will draw closer to God also. As both are drawing closer to God they also will be drawed closer together. God has promised that if we delight ourselves in him he will give us the desires of our heart. Remember that one of Gods answer to prayer is to wait. Also there is no such thing as a fool fighting for thier marriage. Smiaj

P.S. Right now I am having so much peace Knowing that God is in control. The weight of my marriage has been lifted and is totally in Gods hands. When he feels I'm ready my wife will be home.

<small>[ June 24, 2003, 10:41 AM: Message edited by: SMIAJ ]</small>

Hi Jen,
Just wanted to let you know I'm following your thread and hoping you're doing better.

BTW, please relax a bit. Six months is not very long in the big scheme of things. You've loved this man for years, what's six months?

Sorry to say this, but I've been waiting for over a year for my exH to change his mind. I'm not about to give up yet.

Patience is a very important quality, and it is a hallmark of maturity. Please think about slowing down, turning to God, and simply spending time just 'being' instead of trying to control everything to fit to your schedule.

Sorry to sound preachy, but I think I'm fifteen years or so older than you---so I feel it's okay to say these things to you. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Wink]" src="images/icons/wink.gif" /> I used to be very impatient when I was younger, too. Life experiences in recent years (death of my brother, death of teen nephew) have shown me that often times we have very little control over things. You must simply "Let go, and let God".

Take care,
H_P

Jen,

Six months, right now, seems like a life time. You are having trouble getting through one day let alone 180 of them. I agree that you H might have issues and that he needs to work on them. I also think that it is hard for him to do this when he has so much chaos in his life. IMVHO you are adding a bit to that by your actions.

The "Letting go and letting God" is how you need to proceed. This isn't as simple as we all wish it was and requires you to be active in "letting go."

You said one of your biggest fears is waiting 6 months and him leaving. 6 months might not be long enough, it might take 7, 8, or evn a whole year. That amount of time is scary and you'll be suprised how strong you are. You won't look like a fool and who exactly defines what a fool looks like. You are honestly and sincerely trying to fix your marriage and going through hell to do it. That sounds a lot more noble than foolis to me. Hell, me and my wife have defyed all of society's rules about how to proceed when your marriage hits the point where your's, mine and the bulk of the people here are. According to the bulk of our friends we should have tossed this marriage out a long time ago. If we had then I wouldn't have kissed her yesterday or heard her say she loved me.

If you waste your time, then that could be construed as foolish. Let him do what he is gonna do, you can't make him come back but you can drive him away.

I am not trying to get "preachy" either. I know what worked for me and that was taking all the focus off of the recovery of my marriage and turning that focus to God.

Came accross this quote a while back and I think it fits here. There is nothing wrong with being scared.
Courage is not the absence of fear, but rather the judgment that something else is more important than fear.

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Hopefully he'll come around in the next couple of weeks. I don't have 6 months of patience, I just don't. My bigggest fear is if I wait for 6 months, he will leave me, and I'll have wasted another 6 months of my life like a fool. </font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Jen, you are an attractive, but very old woman. Wouldn't anyone be scared to try to "start over" and perhaps "waste" what few remaining good years of your life remain after your current ripe old age of 30?

Ya, sarcasm, I know. But Jen for the life of me I am getting really tired of your yo-yo swings. Every time you think you should follow God and try to surrender control to Him, you yank the control stick back into your hands and start off heading directly for the next hurricane, thinking there will clear skies and a smoother passage if you dive right into the heart of the storm.

Understand this Jen, if you want to be in control, God will let you be in control. He will NOT force himself upon you. The same is true for your husband. But how much time is "too much time" to recover a lifetime commitment of marriage?

Yes, yes, I know all about the emotional swings and the tiredness of it all. More excuses. More rationalization. More of everything that says, "if I don't get it MY way, then I will pick up my ball and bat and go home".

Jen, though this may sound harsh, let's try to be a little reasonable here. You finally arrived at a point that you were hoping for, your husband finally beginning to talk (the first step in recovery). But you then drop the nuclear bomb of divorce on him and now you are back to "square one", or perhaps even a little lower. Now you are going the next step in the destructive process and saying "I don't have 6 months of patience, I just don't".

Jen, it is past time that you, an admitted Christian, reliquish control of your problems to God. Jen, it is God's timeline, not yours. He can help, but you can make the timeline longer by fighting His help. Either way, because both you and your husband have been fighting God, the path will likely take longer than you'd like. Recovery takes longer than any of us "like". Why on earth do you think adultery is included in the 10 Commandments? There are small things with small repercussions. These things (EMA's) are nuclear bombs of our lives. Hiroshima is rebuilt today, but it did not happen overnight or as fast as some would have liked. As long as you insist on doing "your way", the process will be stalled. ONE of you MUST decide to obey God in order for God to start working. The changes that occur within the one who obeys God are seen by the other and that draws them closer, not repels them.

When the decision to humbly submit to God is made, then His promise to you is real and will help with all the ups and downs and the time needed for recovery...."I can do ALL things THROUGH Christ who stengthens me". But without God we are limited to our own finite strength and, as you have said that self-strength is insufficient (I don't have 6 months of patience, I just don't).

Jen, it is when we are weak that God can become strong in our lives. Let go of the fear and TRUST God to be the pilot of your life's flight. He will chart a safe course for you. The flight may take a little longer, it might not, but it will get there safe and sound according to God's timetable and knowledge of what is needed.

And just out of curiousity, when's the last time you spend some time just reading your Bible? It's tough to hear what God has to say to you unless you make time to hear Him. "I'll get to it later" becomes weeks and months. Take some time today.

God bless. And I'm sorry about the "tough talk". I truly am praying for the best for you and your husband and that you will have a marriage that honors and glorifies God.

I am not a religious person, so religious beliefs aside, forget about giving your H time. How about giving you some time to get through YOUR ISSUES. You do have some. If you go back and read your threads you will be on the same rollar coaster ride that we read your posts as. "I am trying, I can't try, I won't sleep with him, I am sleeping with him, I can't take it anymore, I am divorcing him, I am not doing this as a wake up call to him, I want this to end, and now I WANT TO MY HUSBAND, I WILL WAIT, I WON'T WAIT, I CAN'T WAIT! You don't know what your want. When your husband is nice to you that day, you want the marriage, when he is not nice, you can't live like this. You can't say that your H is putting you on this rollar coaster ride, because you have FREE CHOICE of continually getting on or stepping off and letting him ride alone until he is tired of the game and ready to get off and start working towards true recovery. I think you both need serious individual counseling. I don't know your ages but reading your stories it sounds like 2 Jr. High School kids playing TAG YOUR IT. Take this time for you and stop expecting your H to act the way YOU WANT HIM TO! It hasn't happened yet and it won't happen as long as you play this round and round game. JMO

Jen,

I have been following your story but have never posted to you before – others wiser than myself have been there for you all along.

What prompted me to respond you to today was item #4 on your list. I feel some connection with you here and would like to share my thoughts on the children issue. I too am 30 – my H and I have been together for 14 years. Many people would say that I am still have years to start a family, but I hear the clock ticking and time felt short to me.

Last December I thought that my H and I were going to start to try to have a baby. Instead, December 15 was d-day. Then he told me that he loved me but was “in love” with OW, and thought he wanted to have kids with OW. I do not have the words to describe my pain. For several weeks all I wanted to hear was that he was wrong about his feelings and realized that he wanted to have kids with ME. During these weeks he was just trying to decide whether to give our M a real shot or to move out and pursue a R with the OW. I finally realized that I was looking at things backwards in a way. I wanted him to realize that he wanted a family with me BEFORE we had rebuilt our M to the point where it would be responsible to have children. I had to back off. He had decided to stick around and see what we could do, but wasn’t really sure that our M could improve.

One day I realized that our M had to come first, and that he was actually right to not be willing to commit to kids given the state of our marriage. I quit talking about kids. I focussed on our M and hoped that if our M was strong and healthy and happy he would want to have children (since he had at one time – albeit with the OW – wanted to have kids, I saw it as a definite possibility with me). If our M wasn’t all of these things, and if I thought about it unselfishly, I realized that it wasn’t a good place to bring up children.

Over the past few months, as we have become closer and more honest with each other than we have been in many years (ever?), my H has started talking enthusiastically about having children. And for the first time I have had inklings of how right it will be when we do decide together to take that step.

I realize that our situations are different, and that this is an issue that you will have to come to terms with. Hope that my experience might contribute in some way to your own thinking on this.

Best wishes, Jen. I’ll be following your thread and looking forward to brighter days for you.

Chickadee

Hi Jen,

Thought I'd ramble a little here before I start work this morning.

Nov. 17, 2001 - D-day for me. After thinking I still had a chance to save my M I went to talk to a friend. As we talked I told him "I can't do this again!" That's right I said "again". This was the third time my W had an A. I didn't think I could handle all of the pain and anxiety that was to come. For the next few days I went through what I thought was unbearable. But then I started to realize that I had survived each day. I wondered how I could have done that. I realized that each day I called on God to get me through. I started with something very simple like "God help me!". I'm sure your a little past this stage.

Then I was given scripture that told me to put God ahead of me because I would be traveling a road I had never been on before.

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Joshua 3:3-6 (NLT) "When you see the Levitical priests carrying the Ark of the Covenant of the LORD your God, follow them. Since you have never traveled this way before, they will guide you. Stay about a half mile behind them, keeping a clear distance between you and the Ark. Make sure you don't come any closer." Then Joshua told the people, "Purify yourselves, for tomorrow the LORD will do great wonders among you."</font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">But also notice it says keeping a clear distance between you and the Ark (God). To me it meant that I really needed to let God work and not "take back the stick".

You too are traveling a road you've never been on, so why not let the One how knows the way, lead, and you follow. I really like the advice you gotten today.

If you've done the math, you know it's been 19 months since my last d-day. If someone had told me that I'd have gone through all of this I would have told them they were nuts. I was a christian during the first two A's also. What made the difference? I'm letting God do what he does everyday. Fix what he designed. It's been slow, but I see and relish every step toward recovery. God is faithful. Get close to Him so you can see the little steps.

Bless you Jen.

S&C

Thanks to everyone for your posts today. I just don't have it in my to write a thoughtful response to everyone right now. I am feeling really low and worn out, and generally depressed.

Jen

(((Jen)))

Thought you could use one of those.

Hang in there hun, this too will pass...

Hi Jen, I noticed that on the prayer thread you said you weren't attending church for different reasons. I know the feeling all too well. I changed churches about 8 months ago due to the fact that the church I attended weekly for 18 yrs felt very cold toward me. Very fe2w people would talk to me but when my waw showed up once every 8-10 wks half the church would check how she was doing. I don't think that the people of the church have a clue how it made me feel. Anyways your students are going to think more of you being seperated and standing for your marriage than finding out you got a divorce. If you don't feel confortable going to a church check out these websites http://www.rejoiceministries.org/index.html

http://www.restoreministries.net/ Its been a while since I've read thru the rejoice website but the restore website is hosted by a couple whose h walked away. She has a very good testimony of how she trusted god to restore her marriage. Get ahold of the material on this site and you will find some very good material on how god can restore your marriage. I know that it is very tough right now but God will help you thru it. Smiaj
P.S. this material will also help you grow closer to God.

<small>[ June 24, 2003, 07:36 PM: Message edited by: SMIAJ ]</small>

Are you doing okay Jen? I worry about you...

Hi Jen.

I've been away from the site for a few months, letting life take it's course, but decided to get back on today.. Wouldn't ya know it, yours is the first story I caught up on.

I just wanted to let you know you're in my thoughts and I will pray for you. Trust in God, for he is the One who can do it all. "I can do all things thru Christ which strengthens me".