<small>[ September 25, 2003, 06:11 PM: Message edited by: AD. ]</small>

Ok...

Would what you do... if you understood the Four Rules for a Successful Marriage?

1. No love busters (i.e...)
---1) Keep the ring and see what happens?... theft... I don't think so.
---2) Go the that restaurant keeping a WS in check is OK... but what to do if she was with OM... that's the real question!
---3) Ask her? total honesty!!! yes...the way to go!
---4) Tell her I know all about it (bluff)? can you spell 'L O V E B U S T E R'

Much also depends on where you stand with your WW commiting to have NO CONTACT with OM...
...fill us (or me) on this.

Of your choices...
...the most adult
...the most mature
...the most MB-like would be #3 [Ask her]

Do not blame, rant and rave.

Let her know that you're asking out of love for her...
...to help her in her effort towards recovery.

Speak it in love... (not accusingly).

If she tells you there is (has been) more contact...
...don't blow up...
...ask her what you can do more of to help her break it off with the OM...

Use the POJA!!!

<img border="0" title="" alt="[Smile]" src="images/icons/smile.gif" />

Jim/NSR

NSR,

Thanks for your comments.

Hmmm. "theft" seems too strong a word for picking something up in my own bathroom and putting it in my pocket.

But I think you are right. I should ask.

It is possible that nothing happened. If I was sure either way, I probably wouldn't say anything.

<small>[ September 25, 2003, 06:12 PM: Message edited by: AD. ]</small>

{AD.}

S without F is OK! {things can change)

S if you suspect STDs, is NOT!

The ring may or may not be the revelant question to ask...
...afterall... it is a question of 'their' relationship....
...and what is important is 'your' (and your W's) relationship.

The better question would be...
...what additional needs of her you could meet.
...what is it she loved (about you) when you were first together... (don't get bummed out by a negative response)...
...what would she like to do this weekend.

If you must find out about the ring...
...bring up that you found it...
...found it to be attractive...
...and if her mom gave it to her...

...pressing assumptions that it came from the OM is an LB. If it came from the OM...
...let it be with an "Oh... ok" and that's it!

Good Luck.

Plan A... to the max.

<img border="0" title="" alt="[Smile]" src="images/icons/smile.gif" />

Jim/NSR

NSR,

Again... Thanks.

<small>[ September 25, 2003, 06:13 PM: Message edited by: AD. ]</small>

Ad,

Well I read a bit of your 'police thread' (LOL!!! <img border="0" title="" alt="[Big Grin]" src="images/icons/grin.gif" /> ) .....not because of the title, just to see how you were doing.

Are you working with an IC or chat with Steve or Jennifer? Your W's issues are serious and should not be taken lightly.

I don't have much to add. Jim (aka: NSR) does a pretty good job of summarizing a situation and takes my breathe away with his posts. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Wink]" src="images/icons/wink.gif" />

It is amazing you have such stamina to stick with your W through it all. I encourage you to continue to strengthen yourself.

The only place I would slightly differ from Jim is on the ring. I would take it to get appraised, then put it back.

Hint: When our son was about 3 years old, he enjoyed flushing H's wedding band down the toilet... <img border="0" title="" alt="[Eek!]" src="images/icons/shocked.gif" /> So it wouldn't be a far thought if that ring got...... <img border="0" title="" alt="[Eek!]" src="images/icons/shocked.gif" /> ooops.... don't want to steer you wrong. Is there a chance that the ring is from her grandmother or mother?

L.

Orchid,

Thanks for posting.

<small>[ September 25, 2003, 06:14 PM: Message edited by: AD. ]</small>

<small>[ September 25, 2003, 06:15 PM: Message edited by: AD. ]</small>

Sounds kinda weird, if she doesn't like rings, but I suppose...

When my H was lying through his teeth, my method was to try not to be angry, but just keep pushing him on the contradictions. "Yesterday? That's funny, I thought yesterday you were..." It may not be the best approach, but I feel they ought to feel pressured by their own lies, and forced to invent new ones, to increase the pressure.

Orchid, if you've been following police thread, any thoughts for me? It all seems pretty awful and final, and I have many thoughts that that's for the best -- still, I don't want it to be for a lack of effort on my part. I won't hijack this, you can post on 'tother if you like.

I like the idea of being completely honest, and that means being honest about your concerns... that you don't trust her.

Lay out the hints that you are seeing that she may still be seeing OM. She doesn't have to explain it, but tell her you assume there is something going on with him, and unless you find PROOF to the contrary you will believe that. It may make her cover her tracks better, or that she will begin saving receipts and telling you about purchases more readily.

I say go with your gut. You can Plan A, but never let the A go unnoticed if you see something. How to do that without LBing? Telling her you would rather honesty, and you are going to practice honesty, and tell her how you feel when you find these things, see things, beleive things...

I would have held onto the ring and approached her about it as soon as you saw her next. Tell her your concerns, that when you find jewelery you assume it's from OM. Ask for accountability of purchases from then on now that she knows jewelry purchases may make you suspicious...she shouldn't have a problem with it...if she does?

AD - I recommend it's time for honesty. She surely must have felt that you are suspicious... all this secret stuff must be poisoning the air in your home, right?
IMHO, you established a pretty strong trail of evidence there, and you know what, listen to your gutt, it's usually right, even if your brain wants to convince you that everything is hunky dory.
Now, honesty is not a something you can switch on with a switch. you have to work on it. no clever recipes there, but a MC would surely help.

N

Hey guys <img border="0" title="" alt="[Smile]" src="images/icons/smile.gif" />

Thanks for posting.

I am completely at ease. She's not very good at lying. I just knew that she was telling the truth about that.

-AD

<small>[ September 25, 2003, 06:16 PM: Message edited by: AD. ]</small>