I posted on here a week ago after finding this site. After doing much reading on here I believe that I am involved in an emotional affair. The concepts about love bank and emotional deposits really rang true for me.

I would really like advice from women who have been in this spot. My the dilema I struggle with is that I don't feel bad or guilty, anything of the things I thouught would happen to a woman like myself in a situation like this.

Is this the fog that is written about? I think I am feeling and seeing things very clearly and I wonder if I am fooling myself.

My friend and I talk on the phone during the day, exchange emails and have lunch a couple times a week. We talk about work and life, flirt and sometimes talk about erotic things. We have kissed.

We seem to be a perfect fit. Then I go home at the end of the day and I realize I love my husband, too. Nothing seems out of place at all. I can live these two lives so easily.

My question is who am I hurting? Is this the fog? My husband seems perfectly happy. I am happy at home with our children and our life. We go out to dinner, have a good sex life and everything is perfect. When I am with my man I feel sexy and interesting and this beautiful connection.

I don't dream about getting a divorce. Nothing stupid like that. Not planning for sex.

What is this? Is an emotional affair terrible? Who suffers? That's what I can't figure out. My husband is happy. I am happy and my friend, who is marrid, is happy.

Am I deluding myself? How?

Thank you for any help.

head,

Suppose that's as far as it goes and it remains EA....

Look at it from your H's point of view.

He thinks everything is OK. He thinks that the things you do - and your moods - are explained by things that he knows about. But, they aren't. They are partly affected by things he doesn't know about - by your secret life with OM. Suppose this goes on undetected for a long time - years. You will have many experiences with OM, many conversations. H will know nothing about that. He will be cut out of that part of your life. As that part of your life grows (you spend more hours with OM), your H will become more and more peripheral in your life. He will feel it, but he won't know why.

OK, maybe that doesn't sound so bad... but, it probably won't remain an EA.

Look at it realistically. You have kissed. Kissing is a physical act. So, technically it is already a PA. So what's next. Suppose while you kiss you touch him here and he touches you there. Is that still not PA? Do you remember Bill Clinton. You are talking about erotic things. You "feel sexy". Realistically, it will become a full blown affair if you continue down this road. Later you will say "I couldn't stop myself". Well, you can. Now.

Then, you will be here asking "Why does it matter? H doesn't know. He's happy. I'm happy."

Then one day H will find out - or OM's W will find out - and the world will come crashing down on everybody - your H, OM's W, your children will all then suffer incredible pain.

PAIN

Do you have any idea how much pain is in this?

The longer it goes on - the more completely betrayed your H will feel - the more crushed he will be. Do you think he will not be in pain just knowing you kissed this OM? Do you think he wouldn't be hurt by overhearing your erotic conversations?

Both of my parents have died. My W's A was more painful than those two events combined - by a factor of 10 at least. It is the most painful event in my experience.

Please consider not only breaking this off, but telling your H everything. It is the only way to save your family. He has to know. It will hurt, but if you "come clean" now, the healing can begin. The sooner the better.

-AD

<small>[ June 19, 2003, 11:35 PM: Message edited by: AD. ]</small>

I am probably not the one that you wanted to have post to you on this thread tonight, but me is who you get.

You ask who does it hurt? It hurts your marriage, your husband, you, your kids, him, his family the list extends to all family members. Does it hurt now? Probably not as they don't know, but you do, you know it's wrong, you are seeking help.

Everything seems fine now, and yes you could probably go on living in the FOG and living this dual life. Is it fair to those involved? NO!!!

Have you cheated on your husband? YES!! You have, you are sharing things with this OM that are no longer there to be shared with your husband, you are cheating your husband of his wife and a part of you that belongs with him as his wife. How would you feel if your husband was having an emotional affair, would it be ok? They are just friends, they talk and share emails, they've kissed!! I am sure that you would feel betrayed. I did!!! My husband shared things that were meant for me with the OW, they were no longer there to share with me!!! That hurt so bad, felt like someone cut my heart out, how could he do that to us and what we had, didn't he care about us anymore? No!!! he didn't he had an addication to the OW. She got him to leave his wife and family, to give every thing up for her as they were soulmates.

Emotional affairs are the worse type as they don't involve sex, they involve emotions, and that is so much more then sex. Sex is sex, it's not the sharing of ones soul, thoughts, dreams, fantasies, emotions that is what is involved in an emotional affair. You form an addication to the OP, you get to a point that you have to share this or that, you have to have that OP to make you feel good. The OP is the only one that will understand you. You depend on the OP to validate you as a person, you no longer need your spouse, your family, other friends. You feel that the OP is the only one for you!!! You revision your marriage saying that it really wasn't that good, it had its faults. Trying to make what you are doing ok!!! It's not!! Get out NOW!!! Before you get to this point!!!

As I said I am probably not the one that you wanted to hear from tongiht, I am sorry for butting into your thread. There are WS's that are female that have had EA's out there and I hope that they will share with you too. I just felt the need to share the other side with you, you can blow me off and that's ok, know that if you do, you've been sucked into the mothership and will have that much of a harder time getting back to your family and what is important.

This is a thread that was shared on the recovery board a few months back, it helped me to understand how it is that my xH let this happen to our marriage, we had talked many times about temptations when he was traveling on a road. He never kneew that the temptations would come from a friend! Please read it is long I know but so worth the read.

http://www.marriagebuilders.com/cgi-bin/ultimatebb.cgi?ubb=get_topic;f=31;t=010537

Dawn <img border="0" title="" alt="[Smile]" src="images/icons/smile.gif" />

Wiegee gave you excellent advice on your other thread and she is 'a woman who has been there'. You'd be wise to take her advice.

Listen to these people. They are correct.

I've been there. Exactly five years ago my EA began. It blossomed, same old stuff you said...soulmate, etc. I too could 'compartmentalize' my feelings. Could be with OM, and then go home and feel I loved my hubby.

In communication, they say there are two styles of people. Some are 'painters' , and some are 'pointers'. In life, I tend to be a pointer. I may go on a bit here on MB, but I'm truly a pointer. That being said...

It's time to point now. I'll try to condense the nightmare of my life these past five years into a handful of sentences.

I've been there. Guess what? Now I'm alone. I'm divorced due to 'being there'. Christmas Eve this year--all alone. In my bed at night-- all alone. I miss my exH, but he hasn't wanted to work things out. I've been asking him for a long, long time now. It will never change, it seems.

My exhusband has been gone now for two weeks with our three children, on a trip visiting his family--and I should be there too.

Instead, I'm alone. I'm alone with the memories of a long marriage, and what I've lost. I'm feeling what my children have lost, too. Their mom should be with them now, too.

Please wake up and end this affair before you hurt your marriage any more than you have.

BTW, exOM ...'my soulmate'... is all gone.( I felt the same stuff you mentioned.) He's probably still married. He's moved on to a new romantic entanglement, I'm sure.

Choose the road less travelled. God led you here now, instead of when it was too late. I found MB when my affair had been going on almost four years.

21 years of marriage down the tubes certainly wasn't worth the 'beauty' of a fantasy.

You ask 'Who suffers?' Everyone does. The honesty between you and your husband is gone. It can be repaired, but you must wake up.

H_P

I am a BS, not a WS, and I know you want to hear from people who've been there. Do stop and think about how this is going to affect your husband, who suspects absolutely nothing, has given you his full trust and expects your fidelity in return for this privilege. Being betrayed by a husband I loved totally and fully via an EA that of course went PA (it started with massages and kisses) has been the worst experience of my life.

Even worse than when my boyfriend I'd had since high school died on my 21st birthday.

Think about it.

The list of people you are hurtting is to long to list. Why cant ou share and flirt with oyur Husband??? Is it a fog you are in? Yes , if you think its all well and wonderful in the world...No good comes from lieing cheatting and hurtting others. The prices paid are never worth what you THINK you are getting in return.

Hi headsnning,

I don't have time right now to read through the replies you have already gotten, so someone else might have already said this.....

Does your H know everything--including how important time with this man is to you, how much of your time is spent with this man (including how much time you think about him when you're not with him), how much you anticipate your time together, the flirting, and the kissing (including exactly what kind of kissing it has been, how often, hown many times each visit)?

If your H knows EVERYTHING and you're BOTH as happy as you say, then I think this is a POJA that you are BOTH enthusiastic about (I wouldn't be happy but I am not one of the spouses in YOUR marriage).

If your H does NOT know EVERYTHING then I think the best place to start is by informing him of EVERYTHING and see where you two go from there. There is a thread going now about Honesty (started by Spacecase). I encourage you to read it before making decisions and before talking to your H.

Take care headspnning

Headspinng,

You said </font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial"> When I am with my man I feel sexy and interesting and this beautiful connection.</font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Which man would you be talking about?

You are lying to yourself, to your H, and your family. You are going to destroy two families with these lies.

Your H wouldn't be HAPPY if he knew the truth of his life. So the damage is already done, it is just the price of the damage that hasn't been paid yet.

Please consider this.

Let me ask you something. Would it be easy to leave the OM. Could you just walk up and say "this is done and I am leaving." If you cannot, then you are lying to yourself about how deeply you have betrayed your family.

God Bless,

JL

Some advice that can be given to you that is very, very simple:

YOU ARE PLAYING WITH FIRE. IT IS INEVITABLE THAT YOU ARE GOING TO GET BURNED.

You are in essence slamming your children by telling them that they are not worthy of a family. You are jeopardizing a healthy marital relationship, which in my opinion is one of the greatest gifts you can give your children by their witness.

If you haven't noticed already, posts and threads like yours rub some raw emotions of people on this forum. I admire you for realizing somewhere through your fog (and yes, you are deep in fog) that this may not be right ... you are a woman. Trust this intuition that you have that this situation is not right. How many times in the past have you KNOWN something was wrong, but did it anyway and then regretted it?

Don't let this be one of those times ... I'll pray for you and your family.