I am the other woman and I am trying to make amends to the betrayed spouse. I have severed all contact with her husband but the wife said she can only find closure with the affair by getting all the facts from me. I think she is trying to start her marriage over but the problem is her husband is still lying to her and I am afraid by me being the one to tell her the truth it will only hurt her more or damaging their marriage when he is caught lying compulsively to her.

I owe her so much for the pain I caused her and she is such an incredible woman but every time the husband lies to her, she asks me for the truth. She is caught between knowing the truth and wanting desperately to believe him. I think it should be the husband who tells her the truth and that I should just go away but she is asking me for answers. What do I do?

The husband has a long history of cheating on her with various women even before their marriage. This is not a man who has been a victim of being seduced, he actually likes the challenge of getting women to feed his ego. The wife is really an incredible lady, she is beautiful, intelligent, a great mom, fantastic athlete and her home is always in model home condition. I understand the husband’s compulsion for lying, he doesn’t want to lose her but he also doesn’t want to give up the freedom he has to get away with cheating on her.

This is a hard spot....and I don't want to sound insensitive, because of course you put yourself in it. Still, I applaud your desire to make amends. Perhaps you can do both you and the W a great favor. Write her a letter....telling all and everything you know. Then bow out for good, asking for her to go to her H for further inquiries because in reality, her marriage will never recover if he continues to lie and there isn't anything you can do about that. I understand your compulsion to help....but there is probably a limit to how much contact with you in the future will benefit this situation. Be as frank as possible with the truth as you know it, and let her know you aren't abandoning her, but allowing her marriage to go on without further interference. Good Luck.

Dear Makingamends,
I commend you for wanting to make it right and for wanting to help heal wounds. But Star*fish is right. As a BS, I would like one letter of heart felt apology. It doesn't take back what was done but it does allow healing.
The answers will have to come from WH - not you! And if you choose to give info on a continual basis you will be caught in an ugly situation between WH, BS, and yourself. The healing needs to come from the married couple not you. Yes you participated in the problem but ultimately you were not the problem.
Again I commend you for your willingness to hurt a little to ease her pain but in reality you will only increase it.

Sincerely, Cherie

I have such mixed feelings about your situation. I don't have enough respect for the OW in my situation to waste two words on her. But she is devoid of conscience and character. You are obviously a higher quality person.

My situation is such that I would do anything to know the truth about my H's dealings. That said, if the BW wants information that you have, I would answer her questions, but avoid volunteering any info she doesn't specifically ask for. Hope this helps. --DT

I would do everything in my power to get her the truth. She has already suffered enough without having to suffer the indignity of more lies and more secrets. You know that she is not getting it from her husband or she wouldn't be asking you. So you can't realistically expect that a liar is going to suddenly "turn" and become truthful. One would hope he would, but in the meantime, here sits a woman who desperately wants and NEEDS the facts about her life.

This is information that she absolutely has a right to have since it is about HER LIFE. She can't make fully informed decisions as long as the facts are being wrongly withheld from her.

The facts have been wrongly withheld from her for long enough by this scammer, I think it would be a kindness to tell this woman the truth so she can get on with her life.

The bottom line is that she is a human being who needs to know the TRUTH and it doesn't really matter how she gets it.

<small>[ June 20, 2003, 06:03 PM: Message edited by: MelodyLane ]</small>