My big question these days is "how can I know if I'm getting the truth?" As you can see from my signature, I've suffered many Ddays, which resulted in unkept promises and lies, lies, lies.

On 1/14/03, WH made love to me. During our lovemaking, he looked into my eyes and said "I'm so sorry I hurt you." The next day, I found that he was still seeing OW!

I started Plan B, letter and all. I let him come back home a week later, believing he understood all that he had to lose, and was really committed to the marriage.

Since then, he has worked very hard at making our life pleasant, but I still have trouble getting him to open up to me about the A, why it happened, and where his feelings are now.

Trouble is, he has been pleasant and affectionate throughout the A, and I'm having trouble distinguishing his behavior now from how he was before.

He's been unemployed for 18 months now, and has lots of time that I can't account for. His explanations for prolonged errands usually amount to bad traffic, waiting around at the auto shop, etc. Nothing I can ever verify.

I have tried on many occasions to get him to talk, but usually get very general answers. He has sensed that I'm really down lately, and says "I am going to figure out how to make you happy." I told him that it will really help me to talk, because there are still answers I need, and he should let me know when he is ready. It's been days, and he hasn't approached me.

I feel that he can see that I'm in pain, and if he really loved me, and was willing to be honest and truthful, he would be anxious to do anything he could to help me heal. I'm still waiting.

Any suggestions for getting to a deeper level, and for ascertaining the truth?

Please help! --DT

Honestly???You are going to feel this way for awhile, then there will be triggers that will give you. Are you going for counseling? You need someone to listen to it all , as for ws, only you know. What do you realy think?
I wish you luck and you will be in my prayers, The reason I read your thread was the title.
For a very long time the only way I could explain how I felt was broken in many pieces and couldnt get the edges to meet to put me back together again. Best of luck!

Thanks for the reply. It really helps to know that the doubts are "normal." My suspicious instincts have been accurate in the past, but at this point I feel that my sense of trust has been so battered that my instincts are haywire.

We did counseling together for several months last year. It did no good, since he was still lying at that point. I am seriously considering IC, but am unsure on how to get started. I really need to get a better perspective. Since very few people know of the A, I really have no one to talk to. I'm sure that's a big part of my problem...

Has anyone out there had success getting the truth from a long-term liar? Or getting honest communication without the defensiveness? I have never LBd during any of our discussions, and never punished WH for telling me something, so I am at a loss as to what holds him back. Any advice on dealing with the gut-wrenching uncertainty? --DT <img border="0" title="" alt="[Confused]" src="images/icons/confused.gif" />

Wierd weekend. WH made me a romatic dinner Fri. night. Tablecloth, wine and all. He toasted me as his wonderful wife who he loves dearly, and thanked me for putting up with his cr*p. Then, while makeing love to me, he told me how sorry he is for hurting me. Major trigger(see my first post on this thread.) Sat.he finds me crying, and I explained the trigger, and I didn't know how he could have said that to me before while still lying to me. We had a pretty good talk, and I felt better.

Sunday, I checked out his receipt from last week when he had work done on the car. I had talked to him on the phone at 2:30 that afternoon when he got home. Well, the receipt showed that he checked out of the shop at 12:30!

He has a job interview tomorrow morning, so I don't want to confront him until he has that behind him.

I think this is it. I'm sure he'll have some kind of "explanation." I just need to stick to my guns and move firmly to Plan B.

Or, should I give him a chance to come clean? I just don't think I have the strength to believe him anymore.

--DT

ONly you know all of what is going on...I still say you need a counselor even if its only you that goes. Who knows he might be willing to go if he sees you are serious. I cant explain the 2 hr time loss, but even if he does are you going ot believe him or do you already have your m ind made up its a lie??IM going ot look for your original thread but you do need to talk to someone. Triggers are going to come at yu for some time. Those are good oportunities to talk open and honestly about your feelings. But not in a negative way as in lb'ing. Honey none of this is fun. It all sucks. When you finally get the ball in your court you cant decide if you want it. Isnt that a funny turn of events???There are days Id love to clobber mine and run for the hills. But that wont work either.