I don't really want my H back. But I'm still going through mourning the M. Not what is was, but what it SHOULD have and COULD have been, if he had done his part to contribute to the protection of the M.
We got married 6 yrs ago today. We were still living in Toronto at the time, and it was a LOT hotter outside. It was one of those nasty sticky humid icky days. But it was still my wedding day, and the sun was shining. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Smile]" src="images/icons/smile.gif" />
I wonder if H remembers what today is? Does it matter? Not really. But I still wonder. I wonder about a LOT of things. I know how he used to talk about his ex girlfriends regularly to me... so I bet OW gets to hear loads about "Karen this..." and "Karen that...". I wonder how long she'll be able to listen to his moaning and groaning about me? I wonder what he did with the few wedding photos he didn't destroy? They were pics with Andrew in them probably. I'm still mad that he destroyed the others. There had been pics of MY family... some aunts and uncles in the pics are now dead and gone. But of course... he wouldn't have thought about that when destroying the album. He was (and is) too selfish.
The dreams I had from 6 years ago weren't out of the ordinary. I wasn't expecting much. And I can assure you, I ended up getting a he!! of a lot more than I expected. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Roll Eyes]" src="images/icons/rolleyes.gif" />
I found some old journal entries from when H and I were still dating. It was HIM who starting talking of M... not me. It was HIM who wanted to get M... not me. I wanted to marry him when I was first pregnant with Andrew... but he got cold feet, and that wedding was cancelled. We got married a year later, and by that time, I wasn't as interested. I chose to, because I wanted to share the same surname as my son, and I felt that it was the "right" thing to do. Did I love my H? Yes. Was I "in love" with him? I don't remember. I convinced myself that M was only a couple of rings, a possible name change, and a piece of paper. The R had to be there irregardless. A M wouldn't change it. I think differently now, sort of. I believe in my vows. I believed in them with my H. He didn't. And now we're divorcing.
I"m quite a range of emotions today. It's nothing special, and yet it's extremely significant in my life. In 1997 I got all dressed up, and we had a small buffet reception after the ceremony. In 2003 I'm making a huge pot of spaghetti sauce to load up my freezer. What happened on the June 21sts inbetween? Nothing really. I probably gave H "happy anniversary" cards. But I don't recall ever getting one from him. I remember in 1999, I made a special dinner for him and I. I left the kids at my dad's. And he was about 3 or 4 hours late coming home from work. And he didn't even call to tell me he'd be late. <img border="0" alt="[Teary]" title="" src="graemlins/teary.gif" />
So, today is supposed to be a day that brings me sorrow b/c of fond memories. But you know what? It doesn't. It brings me sorrow b/c I can remember what did NOT happen over the few years we were together.
Calypso told me that her dad always told her, "The best your man will ever be, is the way he is when he's courting you. Expect things to go downhill from there." (something to that effect <img border="0" title="" alt="[Wink]" src="images/icons/wink.gif" /> ). I sure wish I had been told the same thing... it might have made a difference in my choices. But maybe not. Who knows.
Karen
<small>[ June 22, 2003, 01:20 PM: Message edited by: Topie25 ]</small>
