I expected this day to come,WS is contacting Ow and bet you anything they will be together this afternoon between his breaks from class. WS sent CD with love songs the day after WS sent NC letter, which was 1 day after they "ended" A..total of 3 CD sent out,many emails without letting OW to reply,finally WS opened a new email a/c as soon as WS asked of me to Plan B him,also many calls to her with private number just to hear her voice...I am torn,went to MC last night and wanted WS to tell the truth about contacting OW,I'd called OW with private number and OW quickly thought it was WS and said she had replied his email,so I wanted WS to come clean once more and he didn't.I was with WS for last two nights,I was not around for 3 nights,on Sunday I went for a run/walk with a co-worker,didn't bring my cell,was out for 4.5 hours when I returned home I'd 66 missed calls and 25 voice messages from WS..I realized that my WS is really having some personal problems here,I told him this morning that I will pick up all my stuffs after work and leave him all behind, WS does not believe I would have NC with him,I think that is the only way NOT to be hurt by him again and again,he is definitely not studying,I can see it coming that he would just drop out from the school he desired to be in for the last 4 years. I do not think it is OW that he can't let go, it's himself that he can't love. He does not love me either, the way he keeps hurting and invalidating my feelings throughout this whole destructive A...he had not shown care except to use the dismissal of the the divorce as "something" to me,WS had told me many times, in fact "promised"..that he won't be involved with OW (as in an affair)as long as he is still married to me...explain that. I have a strong feeling that he regrets, anyway,I also feel he and OW will be jumping into MY bed if not tonight then tomorrow the latest. I am not surprise by this anymore.I had told him that he never had any time to look at himself and care about himself,he would break off with OW and had me home the same night,he would had me out and had OW back right away as well, I called up OW this morning which is definitely against his will, as much as I do not want to see him end up with OW for I do not trust her being faithful to WS at all. I asked of her to please make sure WS gets to school fine, I have a great fear that he is losing the ONLY positive thing he has in his life NOW. Of course OW was telling me how much WS loved me blah blah blah,I know what is her intention,OW is in love with WS' appearance and body,OW does not really love him but as her possesion. I asked WS this morning,if WS were to have an accident today and end up in a wheelchair,who will be there to "take" him,the W or OW? I guess he knows the answer very clearly but he can not see it as the fog is way too thick...I am not here asking for help( how could anyone help me to get him back except to help me heal, right?) but to pour my feelings out, I must move on, and he will have one less choice to make.WS wants me to Plan B him while he is "Working" his A out???? I don't think he knows what love is..WS also told me that maybe he will be looking for someone younger now, I am 4 years older and OW is 3 years older than him....is it another run away again? I don't think he will seek help from MB for a while as long as he has OW, I bet you all know him by now. I love him for who he was and yearn for the old WS,was-once-honest-and-virtuous- man,I guess he will never come home! Thanks folks for trying to help him, it is never going to work when he never listened or wanted to be helped,most of all.
Peace on earth.

Slow down, slow down please! OK, what have we’ve go here?
- WH has an affair
- He tells you repeatedly that’s it’s done and over
- …. Only to resume contact with her.

OK, so now you made up your mind that you cant take it anymore and want to stop contact. ARE YOU REALLY SURE THAT YOU ARE READY FOR THAT? Do you realise that this is maybe the last silver bullet you’ve got, that while separated you may risk of losing him for good? Can you look into the mirror and say yes, Wangi has done everything she could, she has recognised what SHE has done wrong, she has improved herself? IF the answer to all that is YES, then you are ready to move out & live separate lives. Because then your H will remember you positively, and whilst being separated from you, will make him want you back and give him a taste of what could be – forever.

Now, maybe you are really really at the end of your force and ready to pull off the separation. Which is what I did, after twice failing emotionally. But what you should do is write him a clear nice letter stating the conditions under which you want to come back. Does he know these?

Thanks Nick, I don't know what to feel now, I have a great fear for him failing school, the M is already broken or "loveless" like he always say..I have my pad and I was living there well since end of Feb, I had a pretty positive life w/o being at home seeing him writing her email, her calling him, they went away for almost every weekend, I trusted WS to come around as school started in mid June, now seeing him not studying and still fxxx-ip, my heart breaks, I accepted the fact that he does not or can not feel any love for me or from me, but I was never intended to divorce him except I asked of it once end of 99,he held that against me as I called up my ex-bf I know in my soul that I had only spoken to OM over the phone since I was married, never even seen OM once for I knew if we were to see each other then, I might just had an affair with him,WS caught me calling OM (from my phone bills)& WAs was betrayed and torn by that,truly I had not seen OM since I was married and I know now that is what they call EA! Since the big fight and the last time I ever spoken to OM,I had tried to "confide" in my WS instead...I confided in OM when I faced trouble with WS..thatw as screwed up...since Ws' A, I had woken up and looked at my own problems...still resentful and deeply hurt that I trusted him 200% and even after the DDay,Ws continued to hurt me as if like a revenge to my EA, I told him we are now equal (though his mistake IS bigger) I know if he tried really try, the M can be restored but he is very negative about it and compared his passion for Ow to mine..how could that be a fair comparison? I don't think I am ready nor had I made a good impression to go on Plan B, I just do not want to be in this unhealthy kind of life anymore. I want a simple life like I go to work, he goes to school, we exchange our daily adventures,share the laughter, ease the stress, a cup of tea after dinner, chit chat, he review his books,I paint,I do art craft,play the string,practise dance,read..sound very boring but very healthy, long walk, hike,stroll along the beach, planting flowers etc..we can have fun with friends(which there are no more activities like this since his A was announced, instead many distant themselves as no changes made) I want to take good care of him, be a real good wife. He told me how boring I am, I guess in many ways, I had changed to be more on the quiet side because WS was not as "wild" or "sociable", he went to dance clubs with OW nowadays and he fancy it,I never knew he would get into that, perhaps before we always wanted to stay away from any place that serve alcohol and people usually drinks like crazy in clubs,WS is sober for over 15 years. I respected that...then became a boring woman...but there are so much we can do with life, we both enjoy nature and I AM very willing to change in anyway I can...but now, I don't see I need to do so, he is gone, and he will never be home. Sigh..

as soon as WS asked of me to Plan B him
How does he know what Plan B is all about?
It's not something you generally discuss with a ws or let them know you are going to do it at sometime.

I am so sorry Wangi, I honestly thought that he would not contact the OW. Many of us on this forum tried to convince him that contacting the OW was the worst possible thing he could do.

He was going through the withdrawal and aparently it was too much for him.

But I think the best thing for you to do is a plan b, don't talk to him, don't take his calls. Let him be and don't try anymore. Just take care of yourself.

God knows how hard it is but he is in really deep fog. You can't get him out of it.

Thanks guys, WS bought SAA read it for the first few days and kept talking about plan B should be what's good for me, when he said that I knew he wanted to be back to OW in a heartbeat. Not getting laid seems hard for him now since OW provide him with services so often. His idea of me plan B him is he can go to OW not because he would want me back, he still strongly feel he can live an exciting life with OW. He never cared, STBXWife, when he posted a reply to your Thoughts of WS the other day,he even told me that he posted something good about me, I felt so uncomfortable reading that,if I was really what he said then no reason to be unattracted to me, right? He just tried to say something nice of me for a change since I could only read the cruel truth about how he expressed his love for OW. We all know that he is in deep fog and I also fear that he might end of losing his whatever-amount-of-sanity left. I know I could do a total Plan B though WS strongly believe that I would not last one day without calling him...you know what, I have a great job and I love it, I have too many friends to care about my condition and I am fill with love all over, just that that one man that I married to is unable to love me the way I deserve to be loved. Thanks for all the support. It means a lot. When I am on MB, mostly wanting to see WS' posts...and when I read all the replies, I see so many people that care ( sometimes with frustration)my tears shed most of the time..how lucky of him to have "strangers" to care but not even validate others' thoughts and supports that tear me apart. I had to change my name on MB as I posted a couple of replies on his post and that was a mistake, and then he found me as Wangi..grrr
anyway, I am not hiding anything and I care about others that show me TLC, thanks you all, the survivals.

Chris,My WS asked me to PlanB him because he has been on MB since DDay 6-7-02 (our 5th anniversary)and then quit for many months then started again in April 03, if you wonder, he is the one & only Blah34. My WS knows what is Plan B much better than I do...are you surprise? Everybody knows it is usually the BS ask of it and not WS, our case is just the opposite, sometimes I feel so low..when wanting to salvage the "loveless" marriage quoted by WS in MB....I am just too tired
Thanks again.

if you wonder, he is the one & only Blah34.
Aaaahhh, that explains it. I only read a few of his posts but if I had a 2x4...

Plan B is not for him, about him or anything with him. It is all about you.

Everybody knows it is usually the BS ask of it and not WS, our case is just the opposite,
He simply wants you to do it so he can carry on the affair with your “blessing” because you would have no contact and he wouldn’t have to be “bothered” by you.

I suggest you call Steve Harley.

Chris:

I'm confused. What makes Blah different than other WSes in PLAN B? I'm referring to him being able to carry on with Wangi's blessing.

Blah, sounds so much like my WS it's scary!!

Wangi,

In the long run a WS can't endure here like the BS do. This place is out of their environment. Very anti A place.

Blah did receive a lot of responses. Eventually some of us could not see his progress. Instead I saw his endless attempts at making himself condone the A.

I think we frustrated his quest and he would go into hiding then try another attempt at it. This gets old and tiring real quick.

You though can come here for what this place does best..... support the M and family. So please continue to post. We will help both but the help is only as good as it is received.

You know there is another long time WS that posts here, he has gotten quick twisted over these past few months. This WS went from being a supportive person to one that is in a shell of support. Denial lives one in the dark. Evenually they are alone because no one wants to live in denial with them.

It makes me sad to see someone waste their life away in denial like that.

Blah could be headed in that direction. IMHO, you best bet would be not to follow him there.

Take care,
L.

Understanding a BS

Wanting to love someone(all) for all the right reasons
and failing to love them(all) for all the wrong reasons

Losing your hope and faith
and taking the pleasure as it comes

Being misunderstood
having little understanding

Trying to wrest some love out of life
having a life with less and less love

Letting love and its meaning warp between 3
and being hated by everyone for it

Hoping that your life will get better someday
knowing all that youve done to ruin it

Blah34

goodbye

<img border="0" title="" alt="[Mad]" src="images/icons/mad.gif" />

Geea louise, blah - I've read through a lot of your posts - my friend Lisa in London, whom I have tremendous respect for has tried to help you. Today I log on and for the first time, take time to look through wangi's post, I'm thinking "I wonder if blah34" is her WS? Do you stick out a mile, or what?

What can I say? So grow up already, blah - I think I've only "flamed" someone once in the whole 18 months I've been on this forum, but boy do I feel like it now. All I hear from your posts is "poor me, poor me, poor me". Poor you. Does that make you feel any better? Does it help your life? Poor you, no-one understands how you feel. Get me a hankie while I howl with laughter. EVERYONE on this forum understands from one perspective or the other EXACTLY how you feel and what you are going through, and has tried to help you, but all you want is to feel sorry for yourself as an excuse to get back to the OW.

I had a drunk in front of my house last week, so drunk he couldn't walk or talk - I know him - he's one of a trio I call the Three Musketeers. He drinks because he wants to, so I don't have any sympathy for him, I just want him off the pavement in front of my house. I know he's ill, but I have alcoholics in my family, and I know they can stop any time they want to - they don't want to. Neither do you. When you stop playing these crybaby games, then you might be able to make something out of your life, but in the relationship stakes, until you pull your finger out and start to want to pull yourself out of the gutter, you're just like that guy in front of my house.

I'm sorry, wangi - I shouldn't be saying this - I hope and pray that you get through this.

LIR

Since he knows (at least has read a bit of) MB principles, he is trying ot use them to his "advantage" and make it seem less worse than it really is. Kind of like thinking, "After all, if Dr Harley says it's okay to continue my affair, how can it be wrong?"

Blah,
Did you mean to title that little ode, "Understanding a WS" and not a BS.
bs-betrayed spouse-your wife
ws-wayward spouse-you

I don't think ANYONE hates you for what you have done/are doing. You made a few bad choices (we all do) but you continue on the same path, even though YOU now know it's a bad way to go.

And most here don't misunderstand what you are doing.

Hoping for your life to get better is great. But unless you DO something about it, it's like hoping to win the lottery without buying a ticket.

Blah - sorry for the "flame" - I lost my patience.
Clearly you are going through a difficult time. Hands are held out to help you, but you have to want the help. Right now, I don't see that you want the help.

wangi - if you plan B, it must be for YOU, not for him. His desire for you to "plan B" him is clearly yet another attempt by him to ditch all responsibility for himself. If you "plan B" him, then you are simply doing his job for him. Right now, he is going through withdrawal and he has just fallen off the wagon. He wants you to kick him into the street so that he can say to you "this is what YOU wanted, you did this to me", instead of "I want this, and I'm going to do it regardless of what you feel". Before you go to plan B, think it through and decide on all the particulars, especially your conditions for allowing him to come back. Right now, blah is like an addict who is using every manipulative tool in the book to try to get someone to give him emotional "permission" to have his fix. Please don't give up on your own growth. I think it's too bad he found this forum first, as you are the one who needs the support.

Something he has touched on in some of his previous posts, about loving two people - IMHO, it is "natural" to be attracted to more than one person, to feel sexual passion for people other than one's spouse, meaning monogamy as a way of life isn't necessarily "natural".

Anyone who has raised children also can tell you that it's "natural" to be totally selfish, it's "natural" to be violent, and when it comes down to it, it's even "natural" for people to eat each other if they are starving to death on a raft on the open sea. Does that make it right, or justifiable? No. One chooses, as one grows up, what kind of person one wants to be - selfish or violent, or a betrayer - just because it's "natural" does not mean that it is "OK".

Monogamy is not necessarily "natural" - IMHO its the best choice because its the way towards the most healthy and nurturing way of life, both physically and emotionally. Monogamy is a choice - no-one can "make" you choose to be monogamous. You can choose to be anything you like in this world. But be clear who is doing the choosing. No-one "makes" an alcoholic into an alcoholic except the alcoholic. No-one "makes" a philanderer into a philanderer except the philanderer.

I hope this is helpful.

LIR

Thanks everybody, I feel touched. Sorry I was not around when you all replied. I do not even have a TV in my pad not to mention a computer, a small apartment that I "wsihed" to be temporary while waiting for Blah(3x)to "want" to come home. I went to pick up my belongings after work and he expected me to "have a talk", I didn't, my co-worker was waiting in the car. I thought I should make it clear to him that I do not want to talk or see or write to him, I didn't give him any time limit, I used to tell him that he can take all the time he wants but I am not going to wait around as time and tide wait for no man..you are right, his Plan B is to run back to OW and she takes him back in a heartbeat,she even told me that Blah wants to be engaged and married her, we said some hurtful things to each other over the phone, he still holding lots of resentment about the past(how I didn't love him enough blah blah blah)and I resent his affair,it is because he KEEPS doing it, not facing to solve any problem or try, he kept saying he tried and failed, did you see him trying? Yes, NC is trying, then withdrawal too...before he can gets pass these paths how could he even think he had "tried" to look and work on the marriage with OW sticking around? He had no time on M, he had no feeling for the M, he was too busy worrying about OW with her OM-Bob or any other Doctor she said she could have! I am sorry OW is full of herself,even WS said I am better than her as I have moral and OW doesn't..but he keeps running to the cheater, I told him and all of you did to, that the A is base on deception and they both support each other it is ok to cheat, to betray, I think blondblossom said that? ALL OF YOU have tried to help him but he always run, me too, not to anyone but giving up..He had called me many times last night and left very angry messages that I must have done something to OW that OW was mad at him for some reason( that is very common, he always think I did something to OW whenever she is mad at him, he blames me for OW's behavior towards him)I told you all that I called OW yesterday to make sure OW could "support"(to encourage! No way in hell that OW would ever support him financially indeed OW taught him how to spend $$$)A part of me just saying if Blah really believe that OW is the one and can bring him all the happiness he wants,he is free to go,I was very confuse, therefore I called OW(and a little regret that I asked "favor" from a husband-snatcher)I know as much as I want to particpate in Blah's life(everything except his A) he is not letting me. Anyway, this morning he sent me several email but I just can not reply,he said something like he wished he could make me smile again, a picture from our last trip abroad b4 the DDay,I was still smiling and glowing..talk about that trip, we had 500 plus digital pictures with my family(I had not been home for 11 years, my family came to visit me instead..I had not met some of them for 11 years,total of 4 other siblings plus their offsprings and my mom,22 of them,big loving family with good family value!)as soon as his A was discovered, he erased all of the pictures and not regretting them, they were precious for me, very...even that,I forgave him, for my family stays in my heart. That is Blah, sometimes he hurts others and not even feeling it.
He said things that make me feel lousy in his email but I told myself, really I plan B him for me not for him, I used to be scared that he would go to OW and never come home, hey if that is the case, good luck. A castle that was built on a sandy beach does not stand still..They both deserve each other that will teach OW a lesson not to steal other's husband.(she has two girls, I can see where all her karma would go, I believe in cause and effect.)I went to court house yesterday and I had all the forms and was all ready to file the divorce and I was there wandered for hours and I know some court clerks there as well(I work in a legal firm)Too bad CA is has a no-fault divorce. Anyway, I had it all type just to file it. I do not want to regret it, so I must give some deep thoughts for divorce is NOT what I want,we both agreed until we know we could not work, then agree mutually not because of his A. He loved me, he used to...very honest man then. How could he not feel anything from me? I told him I understand his withdrawal and he must also understand that by going back to OW and give in his withdrawal all so quickly would never helped to restore the M. He said that he might drop out his school, I used to be so concern about his school, but now with all the craziness, I really do not have faith in him that he will even do an C,never mind an A,he used to be an excellent student with outstanding student award given..he ruins his own life,he took 1.5 month off to try to "make decision" b4 school started, you know when he did, it was about 1 week b4 school began,he spent all his waking hours screwing around instead of taking time off(alone) to think, to resolve ...that is him. I feel very sad but I can't help him,UNLESS he wants to be helped.
He is feeling lonely now that OW is on vacation(to Denver, if you are from Denver, watch out for a 4'10"s^*@ with no moral) till 7-5,so he is unable to sleep with OW,bet OW is with OM and her children,OW was, last year in Cancun with OM and children at this time of the year.Blah believes OW?(that is because WS thought so, deep down Ws is still very insecure,how could he? With a husband-snatcher?!)Thanks for trying to help Blah, I only wish he would go to church to seek the man upstair he tends to forget,he used to be "religious"he is gone....
Thanks everybody.

Everyone including you Wangi is right on the money. Blah doesn't want you to Plan B him so he can miss you. It is 1 of 2 things, or it is BOTH THINGS!
1. He wants you to Plan B him so he can run to OW guilt free! So he can say to everyone, "see she wants nothing to do with me, what else was I supposed to do"?
2. "Plan B me so I can miss you and want our marriage (all the while he is still sleeping with OW). The sad part is, he expects that after he grows tired of OW that he can walk back into your life and pick up where you left off with no consequences for his actions. PURE SELFISHNESS! Plan B is for you to protect what love you have for him, because he IS THE ONE THAT IS DESTROYING IT AND HIMSELF. You take care of YOU now, he is a grown man and when he falls and only when he falls will he see whatevery else KNOWS!

Wangi, you've received a lot of good advice and thoughts here, so if you don't mind I would like to touch on your WH's post. There seems to be so much pain, anger and hurt in his words, and I've seen some of this in my DH. Things that have nothing to do with you or the marriage at times, but things that he finds he's unable to express, fix and/or help.

"Understanding a BS

Wanting to love someone(all) for all the right reasons
and failing to love them(all) for all the wrong reasons

Here it seems he wants to desperately to love and be loved, but he feels that he cannot for some reason. That's he's incapable of the beauty of this in life. Why Blah? Something maybe you should ask yourself.

Losing your hope and faith
and taking the pleasure as it comes

It appears to me that here you are point blank telling us you've lost hope and faith. In what though? In life? In love? In happiness? In it all? It appears you have some deep scares that you haven't taken the time to allow to heal. Don't be afraid to face these things, and don't be afraid to let someone stand by you that wants to help you through it. It appears Wangi does.

Being misunderstood
having little understanding

Words all too often reflect the key to understanding. When we don't know how to put words to our feelings we feel trapped. It doesn't always have to be that way though. It's ok to not always have the answer, but it's also important to say that. Try talking and expressing and when you just don't have the words, it's ok to say that too. That can help you to understand better maybe.

Trying to wrest some love out of life
having a life with less and less love

In this I read what I saw above - you don't feel you do/can love and therefore you don't deserve to be loved. It pains me to see you write like this. I think these scars go back far and deep. You do deserve to be loved, and if you allow yourself you can love just as well. Do not be afraid to do that, to the extent of missing the truth of what is in front of you. It's ok to be scared, but know it's also ok to accept the hand offering to help you through that fear as a team rather than asking you to venture it alone.

Letting love and its meaning warp between 3
and being hated by everyone for it

Have you been reading? Wangi does not hate you. Actually, it appears the opposite, she appears to love you dearly. You seem to feel you seserve to be hated and therefore are tyring to create that so you can believe what you are telling yourself. It may be scary to open up to someone your depths, but you can do it if you allow yourself. You have a woman here who is telling you, I accepts your shortcomings, I see and know your faults, but I love you the same, let's walk this path together. That scares you because for some reason you don't feel you have ever had that in life, so why now. Don't be blind, it can be real.

Hoping that your life will get better someday
knowing all that youve done to ruin it"

You comment on "all you've done to ruin it", but it isn't completely ruined here. You have yourself convinced that there is no way around this excpet out. That is not true. All you need to do is try. Maybe effort in the past has proven worthless, so you figure why bother now. However, why cut yourself short if you don't need to.

My friend, forgive me if I'm off on some of this, but I do see a lot of fear and pain in your words. This writing of yours speaks volumes and it goes way back deeper than your marriage and this affair. The affair is only a cover for the deepness of what is going on inside of you. You cannot run from or suppress these things forever because they can and will destroy your very self. My DH I believe had many of the same feelings I see expressed here. He has used them to become the better person. It was me that had the affair and he who held me up through it and accepted me back into his life and our marriage with unconditional love. It is possible to love and be loved, you just have to be willing to take those baby steps.

I wish the two of you all the best. The road ahead is long, hard, full of twists, turns, and many detours, but the journey is far from over. Take care, the both of you. I hope that you can get the help you need, whether it be here, together, through counseling, or however. There are a lot of issues that involve the marriage and extend beyond. They all should be addressed, but not all at once.

All my best. Take care.

Thanks so much Princess and trying24give, I am touched and speechless how many people out there care so much and yet WS is not seeing it.I know OP has tremendous power over any WS, I know that. But you are right, Princess, you are right about Blah, his pains and fears, really if it is JUST his affair, I would have left him already, it is the "in-depth"(unsure if I used the right word, perhaps you know what I mean) of my WS that I know I want to help, to love, to care, to protect, you know he has an abusive father that he lived with for 18 years,he was not loved and cared,mostly rejected and destroyed even as a toddler, how he was forced to cut wood in the winter at age of 4 or younger etc,he had done drinking and drugging,many accidents,almost killed once before he quit drinking,so much fear and pain, I was a battered wife in my first marriage lasted 3 months(also sexually abused, brutally at aged of 24)I ran to US for some stupid reason that back then there was no battered wives survival group support or anything like that but "shame"...I did not want to report to police due to my family reputation I was worrying about etc. Anyway, that was all so stupid of what I did, probably it was how the Asian culture go...it has changed since. Anyway, Blah and I had this one attraction that we were both abused and thought we could heal each other,instead we ended up hurting each other by protecting ourselves not to be hurt, you know what I mean. I have my own couselor dealing with the abuse both physicallya nd sexually...I am stil working on them,I am a good looking woman with a nice body whereas OW is not as good except she is much more "slutty" with WS...I had my fear too therefore I was rather distant from WS, but I had explained to him that his A is "my" wake up call of how I had ignored his needs....to make the long story short, Princess, yes, he has much anxieties and depressions, he is a good man just screw-up,I can help him, but he is afraid, you are right, perhaps there was never anyone for him even after all he has done, many family and friends have distant from him, an uncle he truly loved and respected,more than his own pop,(this uncle was also abused by his dad,hence Blah could relate to him)And uncle is not having "any" relationship with WS anymore, as long as he is still "dysfunctional" as he is in the A, having a 3rd person in our marriage contract,WS has so much pain towards his uncle not talking to him anymore,so WS resents him a bit just to make himself feel better etc,just like when he turns his back on the Lord and trying to seek Buddhism?
I know he has God in him..but he is scare. I am scare too, I know no matter how low he has been and still is, I do love him deeply....he is just not seeing and feeling it......I will write after lunch, thanks.

I am having so much pain, WS will have his midterm tomorrow and he is usually very stress about school. Am I being mean not to support him or speak to him? I am concern about him but then again, he is a grown man, right? He betrays me and continues to betray me...why should I even bother? I know him well, therefore I could not just leave him to wait for him to fall flat on his face,he is vulnerable and almost impossible to see the cruelty of the reality of life of which he is bringing himself and all who love him/us..I believe our M can be restored but he wants an easy way out, someone told me that for him NOT to be screw-up and work on the M is HARD,to be screw-up and being in the affair is easy, so he chose the easy way out, I think my friend is right about it, he is afraid to fail on M but he is not afraid to be continued on the A? I wonder. I see all of you even WS/FWS are very supportive, for you guys believe that a broken M can be rebuild,Blah said some can do it,some just can't, that is him, NO, that is not it, it is the WS himself/herself...it is hard, I never said it is easy, he said hurtful things and the energy he spent on writing love letters/love songs/cell phone etc is 100%stronger than his school, that make me sad,an A is an unknown,our M was not as good but we had survived many hard days together,he chose to look at the bad side but never the good memories throughout the M..will any of you the WS please tell me, how bad can an A be when all the wayward spouses could only get the "needs"(whatever that is)being met by someone who only around in good times? How bad can it be? He always compare what he gets from OP and not from me..but he is not looking deeper. I am concern, I am worry, but what can I do? He chose to live his life in a mess. I guess I can only be good to myself, take care of myself, continue to live well even without the cheater that I still love, life must goes on. Thanks for all your support. Please trust me that my WS is indeed a good man except he is so very screw-up, in deep fog...I understand how his childhood has ruined a big part of his life, I have told him that now he is an adult, he can cure himself, as much as it still hurt so badly,he must want to be helped and FACE the pains or whatsoever he is running from. Pray real hard for him, hopefully he will attend AA and go to church, he had thrown away his Bible and AA Black Book(?)when he began his A or right b4 he began the A? He is torn, I know if he is willing to let go and let God, there is light at the end of the tunnel.**Blah,if you read this, please know I wish you well in your midterm tomorrow, I will think good thoughts of you.
Thanks folks.

I have just looked into our wedding pictures, the smiles really came from within, the altar,the dance, the reception,each picture was so memorable,if I were to keep these pictures at home when WS wanted me out,these pictures would have been destroyed,I have to store all these in a very safe and unknown place to WS. The pictures(we used to travel quite a bit and we loved pictures,therefore we have many abums accumulated throught the years together),wedding video, my wedding gowns,poems that written by WS, all so beautiful and REAL...etc, now they are my memories..I am feeling sad and vulnerable. But then I knew I smiled when I looked at the wedding pictures..what is all these about? I really lost the man I married to and still love deeply.